31 Days of Winter

by C. J. Fallowfield

  I’m laughing and also puzzled. What’s WMKWC? I’ll email you about Sunday later, take a look at this and tell me if I’m crazy for thinking it’s too good to be true?

  I attached the brochure and lease agreement and pressed send, then printed off the lease and went through it really carefully, but there was nothing I could see that was anything other than a standard lease. It was owned by a Mr. Oliver D. Davenport whose main residence was listed as San Francisco and he was allowing the agency to act on his behalf with regards to receipt of rent and any issues with maintenance. I would need to pay two months rent in advance, one being a refundable security deposit. If I was going to go for this, it was a good job I had enough in my savings, but I really needed to make a decision on the Captain’s job offer. I’d have enough space here to work from home and the office in the same day if required, a spare room for Brooke coming over and a garage for Maisie. If it wasn’t working out with Captain, a position as Junior Partner would look good on my resume and I could look for something else, all while the income flowed in and I could fit my writing around work. I’d be saving over an hour and a half a day just on travel alone. I needed something strong to drink and I virtually skipped around to the stairs, then bit my lip and ran to the pole and jumped on it and screamed with joy as I slid down and this time made a perfect stop on the soles of my feet. I swung myself around it laughing, like a scene from singing in the rain and popped open a bottle of champagne and headed back up with it and a glass and jumped to hear my facetime ring on my iPad. It was Brooke. I sat down and propped it up on the desk and answered.

  ‘I thought you were at work?’

  ‘I am, keep your voice down since I’m in the supplies closet.’

  ‘You’re not facetiming me while Molly’s doing stuff to you?’

  ‘No, but I can ask her to come in if you want to watch?’ she winked.

  ‘No thanks, but as she’s your boss and you’re screwing, are you really going to get in trouble for hiding in there and making a personal call?’

  ‘Good point. Jesus, what’s going on with you up there? Sex gods in underwear, unBELIEVEable houses being thrown at you? I’m wishing I’d had a month’s break up there instead of you.’

  ‘I know, sex god last, at present he’s the god of ice. The house though, seriously, what do you think?’

  ‘I’m thinking why the hell haven’t you signed the contract already?’ she uttered looking at me as if I were stupid.

  ‘Brooke, it’s too good to be true. Who lets someone have a house like that at this price?’

  ‘Who bloody cares? The offers on the table, take it. I’ll fly up there, ski to the shore, ice skate across the lake and smack you over the head with a frozen fish I caught on the way if you don’t go for it.’

  ‘It’s a loch, not a lake.’

  ‘It could be a bloody gigantic puddle for all I care, Ellie. Ring the agent now and say yes and explain you can’t get a signed copy back to them until you get out of your frozen prison.’

  ‘It means I’d have to accept the job offer.’

  ‘And?’ she gave me another look with a raised brow.

  ‘Well, it’s all going so fast. Less than two weeks ago my life was mapped out, I don’t do change, you know I don’t. Now suddenly I’m stranded at the top of Scotland with a man I can’t stop thinking about, who blows hot and cold with every breath, I’m accepting new jobs and moving house and leaving Zac behind.’

  ‘You’d left Zac behind ages ago, you just hadn’t admitted it to yourself and change can be good, Ellie. You’ve not had it easy with your upbringing and your parents, you deserve this. Why shouldn’t a bit of good luck fall in your lap?’

  ‘I guess,’ I nodded and filled up the glass of champagne and took a sip.

  ‘You guess? You’ve already decided, you’re celebrating,’ she squealed and I laughed.

  ‘I have pretty much decided,’ I laughed with a nod. ‘I just needed my best friend to kick me up the arse and reassure me. What the hell was “WMKWC” supposed to mean about Dan’s picture?’ I asked and she shook her head and rolled her eyes.

  ‘Wet my knickers with come,’ she giggled.

  ‘Brooke!’ I laughed.

  ‘Well I did! I think I had a mini orgasm on the spot just looking at him. Sorry babe, but I’m all horny now, can you send me an email about your fabulous Sunday or save it for when we next facetime? I’ve got to ring Molly and tell her we have a supplies emergency so I can have a fabulous Tuesday,’ she winked.

  ‘Bye, Brooke,’ I smiled with a shake of my head. ‘Thank you. Love you.’

  ‘You too, babe,’ she grinned and planted a kiss on the screen before switching off. I chuckled to myself and sent an email to the Captain.

  Hi John, hope you’re keeping well and keeping the Crank out of the office? I’ve had a serious think about your offer and I’d like to verbally accept, I’m happy to still come and see you if you want to discuss in more detail when I get home. I’m snowed in and can’t post a signed copy for now, but I would like a small alteration. I don’t need a company car. I’ve left Zac and I’m about to sign the lease on a property near to the office, so while I’d rather work from home as agreed, I’ll be able to call in for meetings at short notice if required. I could start again from Tuesday 7th January. If you can let me know if this is acceptable to you? Many thanks, Ellie.

  I went to pick up the phone to ring Dan, but decided a polite email in the vein of his was probably the best way to go.

  Dan. I would like to thank you for your email and all the effort you have gone to on my behalf. The property is exquisite and as you rightly say, well out of my price range. I have scoured the tenancy agreement trying to find some loophole as the offer seems too good to be true, however I can find nothing. I wish I was in a position where I could decline your friends generosity, as I feel that I am taking advantage, again, but I need somewhere to live and it couldn’t be more perfect in terms of style and location for me, so I am going to accept. I’ve also accepted the job offer from my firm, so there will be no issues with my being able to afford the rent, in case you’re worried that your faith in me may have been misplaced and may backfire on you. Once again, I thank you for your assistance. Miss Baxter

  I rang the agents and confirmed that I wished to take the lease and was advised that there was no rush with returning the paperwork. They provided me with the bank details for an Oliver Davenport and I did an interbank transfer immediately. His name was bugging me, I was sure I knew it from somewhere. I set up another spreadsheet with my savings balance at the top and then started listing everything that I’d need to start my new life over, so it would deduct from the balance and give me an idea of where I stood. Pretty much all of the major appliances and furniture came with the house, so I listed bed linen and towels, preferring to have my own new ones, then all my Dualit kitchen worktop appliances that I’d need for my cooking. I could see if Brooke would mind me ordering online to be delivered to hers and I could move into the mews on my return and see what other soft furnishings and bits I’d need then. I heard my email ping and looked to see it was Dan on the boathouse email again.

  I’m glad you’ve agreed, it is a good deal, both are. Are you ok?

  Fine thank you, I replied.

  Do you need me for anything? Came his immediate response.

  No, thank you.

  I felt bad being cold with him, but it wasn’t like he’d left me with much of a choice. I spotted Zac’s email that I’d not opened yet.

  Reason Three. You’re an amazing cook. Zac xx

  I burst out laughing. This was his idea of wooing me back, telling me I was a great cook? That was a bonus for him, not for me. I took my iPad and the champagne downstairs and lit a fire, I was nearly out of logs, but no way was I asking Dan for any. I cooked some rice and ate my casserole on my lap on the sofa and finished my book, before plating up Dan’s and heading down to his. He opened the door immediately again and I swallowed really hard, even though I
was angry with him, it was so nice to see his face. Not that I could see much of it under the extra lengthy stubble he was sporting.

  ‘Ellie.’

  ‘Miss Baxter, Dan,’ I corrected. ‘Here’s your dinner. Chicken and bacon casserole and rice. Make sure you heat it up really well as reheated rice can cause stomach upsets.’

  ‘I will. Thank you, it smells delicious.’

  ‘It is.’ I commented, echoing some of his confidence in his statements he’d made to me. ‘Well thanks again for the rental assistance. Good night.’ I turned to go and he stepped out and caught my arm.

  ‘Don’t go.’

  ‘I have things to do.’

  ‘You’re being cold. This isn’t you,’ he sighed. I frowned at him over my shoulder.

  ‘I’m giving out what I get Dan, and just because we’ve spent some time together, don’t presume to think you know me. Enjoy your meal. Goodnight.’ I shrugged off his hold on me and started walking and bit my lip really hard to try and suppress the wave of tears that were battering the back of my eye balls. What the hell was wrong with me? I was never this emotional before I met him.

  ‘You haven’t asked me a question for two days,’ he called after me, the hope evident in his voice.

  ‘What’s the point? You never answer the ones I want you to anyway.’

  Dan

  I watched her leave and nearly chased after her. I knew I was being unfair, jerking her around, hot one minute, cold the next, but every time I got close to her something in my memory fired. Something that reminded me why she was better off without me, something that reminded me why I couldn’t be with her. She’d had enough crap in her life without getting involved with a guy like me. She needed someone dependable, someone who would make her his number one priority in life, someone who wouldn’t lie to her. I didn’t want to lie, I’d gone through life trying to never lie, but if she found out my secret she’d never look at me the same way again, the way that warmed me from the inside out. Ellie Baxter was falling for me and she may not have realised it yet, but I was falling with her. I’d screwed hundreds of women, thousands maybe, but other than my mother I’d only ever loved one woman in my life, Rebecca. I set my dinner on the table outside and slumped down in a chair, covering my face with my hands. Ellie reminded me so much of Rebecca that it was heart-warming to see her smiling face, but sometimes incredibly painful too. Every time Ellie and I spent time together, time I enjoyed, I’d have nightmares about Rebecca. As if she were disapproving of me trying to move on, of leaving the memory of her behind me. Her and our child, our beautiful son who died in childbirth along with his mother. Part of my heart had been buried in Rebecca’s coffin, part of my soul in my sons.

  I’d vowed never to fall in love again, if I didn’t love or get attached, I’d never experience that level of pain again. Their death had been a catalyst for my change, after wallowing in my grief for months, I’d turned to drink and an endless stream of meaningless encounters, anything to keep me moving and not looking back. Until fate struck me another cruel blow and carved me into the man I am now, the man that Ellie and the rest of my friends and family know. No, Ellie Baxter didn’t need me in her life. I was as toxic as they came, I fucked up every relationship I ever had, hurting people immeasurably. While I yearned for her, wanted to come clean and confess, to be comforted by her and lose myself in her, Ellie wasn’t going to be another damn statistic in the fuck up that was my life.

  I needed to try and stay away from her, every minute I was around her my fortitude wilted, the selfish man buried deep inside me tried clawing his way out, recognising that she was my perfect match, that she stirred feelings inside me that had lain dormant since Rebecca died. Maybe I should tell her why I can’t be with her, where I disappear to every day, she’d definitely run from me and do us both a favour. This way she’d be spared the prolonged dance we were performing and wouldn’t end up getting hurt when the music stopped, as she’d invariably be if she got involved with me. With her leaving early, it would prevent me from becoming even more attached to her than I was now, at least then I wouldn’t experience the pain of losing another amazing woman. I stood up and took a deep breath as my subconscious battled with itself and I looked up at the house, wondering what she was doing, but the thought of telling her and having her think of me the way that she thought of that poor excuse for a man she was engaged to made me feel sick. Plus I was too weak, I had her here for another twenty days, twenty days where I could admire her from afar and try and build up her confidence again and ensure she didn’t ever go out with a loser like Zac and myself ever again.

  Day Thirteen

  Ellie

  Because I couldn’t run in the seriously deep snow, and refused to pleasure myself to the thought of Dan, I decided on a new routine. Get up, make coffee, go back to bed with a book and enjoy a lie in and lack of responsibilities for the first time in forever. Get up at about ten and have scrambled eggs on toast with sausage or bacon. Write until two, then have a light lunch. Write until about five and then do some exercise, crunches, planks, stair running and yoga. Prepare and cook dinner for three, Dan being two of the portions. Eat by the fire, drop off his meal and come back and read and relax. Perfectly organised and constructive.

  I opened another email from Zac wondering what stupid reason he would come up with this time.

  Reason Four. You’re amazing in bed. Zac xx

  I snorted my disapproval. If I was that good in bed, he wouldn’t have paid hookers and ignored me for nearly twelve months. What was wrong with him? Question of the year when it comes to both men in your life, Ellie, I silently reminded myself. He thought telling me superficial things that he loved about our relationship was going to have me running back to him? Were men really that clueless as to how to romance a girl? I laughed out loud at that statement, they really were when it came to him and Dan.

  The man of the hour was sitting outside on his veranda waiting for me when I arrived with his evening meal this time. I was a creature of reasonable habit and had been coming at 8 p.m. for the last few nights and he’d worked that out already.

  ‘Miss Baxter.’ His outside lights weren’t on and it was too dark for me to see his face properly, but I felt his smile light up the whole loch. He was really happy to see me this time, me on the other hand, I was unsure how I felt.

  ‘Mr. Complex. Your dinner.’ I placed it on the table next to him. ‘Have a good night.’

  ‘That’s it?’

  ‘I made you two portions as usual.’

  ‘Not that. You know what I meant.’

  ‘I’m not sure I do. You have a rather changing temperament and it’s hard to keep up. Bye.’ I started walking, but this time he strode after me, overtook me and blocked my path.

  ‘You haven’t told me what my dinner is. You tell me every night.’

  ‘Pork chops, apples and button mushrooms in a cider sauce with rice. May I go now?’

  ‘You have three questions you can ask me.’

  ‘I can’t even think of one I’d like to ask you at the moment, other than please will you move so I can go home?’

  ‘Ellie, please don’t be like this.’ He reached out his hand to brush my cheek and I jumped back as if I’d been struck by high voltage. I was getting by keeping my distance and playing it cool, getting by fine. I didn’t need another reminder of the Dan that I’d fallen for so hard, not when he was only around twenty-five percent of the time and left me feeling like I had a gaping void in my life when seventy-five percent Dan showed up.

  ‘I’m being how you wanted, Dan. Professional. I’m the guest, you’re the help. No flirting, no touching, no leading you on. So please may I leave?’

  ‘As you wish,’ he sighed and stepped aside.

  ‘I do wish,’ I replied haughtily and stalked off as well as I could, given I had to do a virtual ridiculous looking Hitler walk to move my legs in this damn deep snow.

  I’d also rationed myself to one glass of wine a night, in case I ran out
and to avoid any more awkward drunk dialling, so I took it into the cinema room and watched A Christmas Carol, trying to get myself in the festive spirit with Christmas only being a week away. So much for all my Christmas cards I’d written, they were stacked up on the desk upstairs along with Dan’s wrapped presents. I took a hot chocolate, a bar of chocolate and my iPad to bed with me and snuggled down and checked my emails.

  Hi babe, how are you? Still keeping the Great Wall of Dan up to protect yourself? Bloody crazy, just fuck him already. So actually getting a bit nervous, Saturday night is 3sum night. I know I’ve done them before, but never with my favourite boyfriend and girlfriend at the same time. What if it all goes pear shaped and I lose both of them? Xx

  That wall is as intact as the day they built the original in China, Brooke. Until he tells me his deal I’m desperately trying to stay strong. Don’t do the ménage if it doesn’t feel right, make a decision Brooke, who do you like best? Choose and stick with it. Surely one relationship’s going to be a whole lot easier than two simultaneously?? And just in case, please don’t let onto Zac about the job and the house. I owe it to him to tell him in person that we’re definitely over. LYMY like crazy. xx

  I finished my drink, killed the lights and fell asleep.

  Dan

  I’d stayed away from her all day, making calls and doing emails, having a work out in the gym to punch out my frustrations before relaxing in the sauna. Every time I closed my damn eyes though an image of Ellie naked on the bed, flushed from the orgasms I’d given her, popped into my mind. Her perfect breasts, the gentle swell of her stomach, her vivid green eyes pleading with me to bury myself into her and take her to heights she’d never yet experienced. I’d had to masturbate left handed to the thought of her, my right hand still being out of action with this damn bandage she’d strapped on. She was everything I’d have ordinarily looked for in a woman, even that Rebecca had been too and possibly more. I had a feeling that if I fell in love with Ellie and lost her, she’d take the remains of my heart with her. They wouldn’t just be buried, they’d be placed in concrete shoes and sunk to the bottom of the ocean. I resolved to be cool with her if I saw her, to keep her at arm’s length, but damn me if I wasn’t sitting on the veranda waiting for her at seven-forty-five, like a damn lovesick teenager, desperate to see her smiling face and trying to get her to stay and talk to me.