31 Days of Winter

by C. J. Fallowfield

  ‘So are you going to delete his email?’ he asked as he flexed his neck and I realised I’d just done it again.

  ‘Probably.’

  ‘No. It’s a yes or no response answer, Ellie.’

  ‘Why do you care what I do with it?’

  ‘I don’t want you to forgive him and take him back. I’d hate to see you go back to him.’

  ‘In two weeks you’ll never see me again Dan, you won’t care what I do.’ He frowned at me again as he came to a stop outside the house.

  ‘That’s not true.’

  ‘That you won’t see me, or you won’t care?’ I tilted my head as I waited patiently for his answer.

  ‘You really want to use two of your questions up when you already know the answer to one?’

  ‘You care,’ I whispered as my heart expanded.

  ‘Yes I care, four questions left, Ellie.’

  ‘Five, that was a statement, not a question. It’s obvious you care from your actions, I just wanted to hear it.’

  ‘Why does it matter to you so much?’ he sighed.

  ‘Because I care too, Dan,’ I whispered and I couldn’t stop myself, I ignored the logical part of my brain screaming NO! at me and went with the emotional side that was saying kiss him, kiss him now as you may not get the opportunity again. I only had to move forward a fraction and I felt the heat of his breath slicing through the cold crisp air before our lips met and the contact sent shockwaves through my body. He grunted in surprise before a hand reached up through my hair to clutch the back of my head, crushing my lips on his, making sure I couldn’t change my mind. I vaguely felt him back me up into the glass as he returned my kiss with as much urgency. I held him even tighter as our lips merged, our tongues tasting each other as if for the first time. He let go of my waist and back of my head when he knew I wasn’t going to pull away and cupped my face instead, changing the intensity of his kisses from frantic to tender and gentle. I sagged against his firm chest as we carried on, even if an avalanche started I wouldn’t care, I’d never been kissed like this, like we’d die if we stopped. Just as I thought that he gently pulled away.

  ‘Ellie, what are you doing?’ he whispered as his forehead rested on mine.

  ‘I don’t care anymore Dan, you could be a serial killing, lying, cheating, stealing arsehole just like Zac, but I want you. I need you. I don’t care what your secret is anymore, I just want you in my bed.’

  ‘Ellie,’ he sighed, ‘you can’t say that, you don’t know. I don’t want to hurt you.’

  ‘I’m going in eyes wide open. I’m leaving in two weeks and we’ll never see each other again. It will be a winter affair to remember.’ I kissed him again and he returned it, before pulling away and sweeping my hair back with his hands to look at my face uninhibited.

  ‘Do you have any idea how much I want that? I’ve never wanted anything or anyone more Ellie, b…’

  ‘Don’t say but,’ I interrupted. ‘Please don’t say but. And don’t say it’s not you, it’s me. My ego’s been bruised enough with Zac preferring prostitutes over me.’

  ‘He was a fucking fool,’ spat Dan angrily. ‘He didn’t know what he had, Ellie. I know what he had and I’m an equal fool for not taking you up on your offer, but I don’t want to make it any harder than it’s already going to be when you leave.’

  ‘I’ll handle it, I promise.’ Ellie Baxter you big fat liar. I had a feeling I was going to fall apart getting on that plane as it was, connecting with him by having sex would make it even harder.

  ‘I’m not sure I’ll handle it Ellie, and by doing it with you I’ll lose a large part of my integrity. I’ve already lost too much of it by being weak enough to kiss you back like that, to want you the way I want you. Please don’t ask me to do that.’ He kissed me again, as if that would soften the blow of rejection.

  ‘You were prepared to sacrifice it this morning, in bed.’

  ‘I’d just spent the night with my arms around you, watching you sleep, your body pressed up against mine driving me crazy. I lost all logic,’ he sighed.

  ‘You’re pressing up against mine, making me lose mine,’ I objected as we kissed again.

  ‘I just can’t, please don’t hate me,’ he sighed as he ran a hand over my hair again.

  ‘I don’t hate you,’ I laughed. I love you screamed my inner voice and I froze. O my God, I was in love with him? Was I really only just realising that? I was in love with a guy I’d only just met and hardly knew. I felt my breathing change from excited passionate cantering to panic attack mode. I looked at his face, suddenly wondering if I’d actually said that out loud. Shit he was looking puzzled, had I said it out loud?

  ‘What’s the matter,’ he frowned. ‘You’ve gone really pale?’

  ‘I’m … I’m … I don’t … I need to go in. I’m cold,’ I stuttered, I took in a pained gasp as he clasped my face again and kissed me on the lips, lingering for as long as he could until he realised I wasn’t returning it.

  ‘Thanks for the amazing kiss. I’m so sorry.’

  ‘It’s fine, please can I get down.’ I unhooked my arms and legs, hoping to quickly slide down between the glass and his body and make a run for it inside, but he caught me with one arm as he rummaged the key out of his coat pocket with his free hand. He unlocked the door, carried me in and gently set me down.

  ‘Ellie, I …’ I didn’t give him a chance to finish his sentence as I kicked off my boots and sprinted across to the stairs, up them and locked myself in the bathroom and sank down the door into a puddle on the floor.

  ‘No, no, no, no, no,’ I groaned. How could I have fallen in love with a guy so quickly? It couldn’t be love, surely? I realised with a heavy heart that that was exactly what it was. These feelings I had for Dan were so much stronger than I’d ever had for Zac, even at the height of our relationship, but to feel like this now? Three weeks ago I was still thinking I was going to marry Zac and was saving for our future. I had to try and get over this and fast, in two weeks I’d be back in London starting a new life, there were thousands of available guys to choose from, that weren’t closed off and hundreds of miles away and obviously unwilling to love me in return. No, Dan couldn’t be the love of my life, love was supposed to be easy and this was far from easy. It was a complicated, messy, obstacles in our way kind of love, and I was frickin’ Juliet except Dan hadn’t realised that he was Romeo yet. I jumped at a knock on the door.

  ‘Ellie, are you ok?’ he asked. O God, just what I needed, him being all bloody caring today and talking to me in his low sexy tone.

  ‘I’m fine, I just need a few minutes,’ I replied then cringed. Great, now he was going to get a seriously unattractive visual of me sitting on the toilet having a shit. I groaned again.

  ‘You’re behind the door, aren’t you?’

  ‘Yes,’ I sighed, at least admitting that was better than him thinking I was taking a dump.

  ‘Did I do something wrong? I was just trying to be fair to you.’

  ‘No, you’ve not done anything wrong, I just shouldn’t have kissed you like that. I’m sorry.’

  ‘I’m not complaining.’

  ‘It was a great kiss,’ I sighed.

  ‘It was,’ he sighed. ‘Are you going to come out, or are we going to keep talking through this door all night? Because I’m still starving and I have a cupboard full of Pot Noodle for company if you’re going to stay in there.’ I chuckled, I couldn’t hide from him forever.

  ‘I’ll see you downstairs, I’ll just get the first aid kit.’

  ‘You know if you’re lying and you don’t come out, I could probably break the door down?’

  ‘I’m not lying.’

  ‘Fine, but I’m kind of insulted that I dragged that big arsed tree in for you and you didn’t even notice it.’

  ‘O God, I’m so sorry,’ I scrambled up from the floor. ‘I promise, I’ll be out in one minute.’

  ‘Fine. Don’t make me kick in a perfectly nice oak door.’ I heard his footsteps leav
ing and headed to the sink and splashed water on my face.

  ‘Pull yourself together,’ I told my reflection. ‘So it will take you a few weeks to get over him when you get home, it’s no big deal.’ Lie two of the day, I was going to need more than a few weeks. I grabbed the first aid kit and ran downstairs to see him sitting at the island.

  ‘Ok?’ he frowned.

  ‘Yes, sorry.’

  ‘So,’ he flicked his head to the corner of the house behind me and I looked around and screamed, all my woes temporarily forgotten. I ran over to the tree, it had to be seven foot tall and it was so full and bushy, I ran my fingers over the pine needles, breathing in the fresh pungent scent and felt my face light up.

  ‘I love it,’ I exclaimed and just prayed I’d just said “it” and not “you”. I turned around to look at him and my stomach flipped over so many times that I nearly had to sit down. ‘Thank you so much.’

  ‘So do I deserve an Ellie special?’ he smiled.

  ‘A what?’ I gasped.

  ‘Your cooking.’

  ‘O right,’ I smiled, slightly disappointed. ‘You sure do.’ I walked over and kissed his cheek. ‘Thank you. It’s an amazing tree.’

  ‘You’re welcome. It’s nice to see those dimples,’ he smiled. I set about making him a cheese, ham and mushroom omelette with sauté new potatoes and bread and butter, and made him a coffee and left him to eat as I started pulling the decorations out. This would take my mind off my completely inappropriate feelings.

  ‘Have you got a ladder?’ I asked.

  ‘No, but you’ve got me.’

  ‘I wish,’ I muttered under my breath.

  ‘What?’

  ‘Nice dish?’ I called, cringing.

  ‘Hmmm very tasty, but as I say you don’t need ladder.’

  ‘You’d better come and help then when you’ve finished.’

  We spent over an hour putting up all the lights and I had to sit on his shoulders to put the star on top of the tree and wobbled and screamed a few times, as I refused to hold his injured hand. He was making it so much harder for me by being all relaxed, happy and jovial. I’d been praying for this Dan since I’d met him, and ironically right now I could do with him being distant Dan. When he finally set me down and I turned off the main lights, my smile returned. It had already gone dark and the tree looked stunning against the black backdrop with the roaring fire and the soft twinkling fairy lights around the support struts, and the fibre optic tree in the kitchen just made it magical.

  ‘Wow,’ he nodded. ‘You’ve made the place come to life.’

  ‘You’re not just saying that? You really like it?’

  ‘I do,’ he nodded.

  ‘This calls for mulled wine? You want some?’

  ‘Sure, I’ll have a glass.’

  ‘Go and sit down and I’ll sort your hand while the wine warms up.’

  I tried not to let my hands shake as I held his and removed the ratty old bandage and cleaned his knuckles again gently. They’d scabbed over which was good, but he was still really swollen. I applied a fresh bandage and went and got a load of frozen peas, emptied them into a food bag and made him sit with them on top of his hand. I filled some mugs, handed him his and went to sit in the armchair close to the fire and saw him frown.

  ‘You’re not sitting by me now?’

  ‘I’m cold.’

  ‘I thought that was my title.’

  ‘Not today, you’ve been really nice to be around.’

  ‘I’ve had a really nice day.’

  ‘Me, too,’ I blushed.

  ‘Have I outstayed my welcome?’

  ‘No,’ I responded quickly. While he was like this I wanted as much time with him as possible, even though it hurt like hell.

  ‘You haven’t written today.’

  ‘No, I’ll have to do some in the week, but I do need to do some work tomorrow.’

  ‘Work?’

  ‘Resumes for my replacement to give my opinion before John interviews.’

  ‘Right.’

  ‘You know we never got to go through the list?’

  ‘What list?’

  ‘Of things you need to sort to keep the renters happy,’ I pointed to the printed list still sitting on the coffee table from last night, which he picked up.

  ‘Flat screen television?’

  ‘Most people like TV, kids especially.’

  ‘Why do you need a TV? There’s an amazing view out there.’

  ‘Not when it’s dark, genius,’ I pointed to glass and he shook his head.

  ‘Welcome folder. What’s a welcome folder?’

  ‘Like you’d get in a hotel. Giving emergency numbers for a start. I don’t even know the name of the village we’re a ten minute drive from. You should list all of the emergency services and any good eateries down and a list of all the attractions around here that visitors could get to.’

  ‘Like what?’

  ‘I don’t know, I’ve left this island once in two weeks. Is there skiing, horse riding, good hill or mountain walks, sailing on the loch, fishing, shooting? You’re the local.’

  ‘Ok, that seems reasonable,’ he nodded. I tucked my hair behind my ear as I watched him reading. When he was concentrating he had an adorable crease between his brows and stuck out his full bottom lip.

  ‘You need board games for kids and ones for adults, and you need a proper dining table for a family to use.’

  ‘Again, sensible suggestions, but a second boat?’ he raised his eyebrows as he continued to scan the list.

  ‘Well, you’re out most afternoons. What if they want to go out on their own, a spur of the moment sort of thing? They need their own access instead of relying on you. Plus, it would give you more freedom to do other things yourself.’

  ‘What other things?’

  ‘Please, you’re telling me you don’t get bored stuck here waiting for me to ring you with my demands?’

  ‘On the contrary, I look forward to your demands,’ he winked.

  ‘Well, I’m not sure you’ll get another guest quite like me,’ I smiled.

  ‘I very much doubt it, Ellie,’ he sighed softly and I leapt up and grabbed his mug and headed back to the kitchen.

  ‘More wine?’

  ‘Please. You seem on edge.’

  ‘I’m fine.’

  ‘I may have been out of the game for a while, but when a woman says she’s fine, that tends to mean she’s not,’ he stated as he stood up and came over, holding the temporary ice bag to his knuckles. Not fine? Why did those words seem important? O God, I suddenly remembered I hadn’t had the results of my STD tests, they were supposed to have emailed them to me.

  ‘My test results,’ I uttered. ‘They should have been in. Did you pick up my iPad from yours?’

  ‘No. I thought you had it. I’ll go and get it for you.’

  ‘No, I’ll get my phone.’ I ran upstairs and found it next to my laptop and sat in the chair as I double checked my inbox, but there was nothing from them. I frowned, she’d said a few days and I’d been so distracted I’d forgotten. I quickly checked my junk box and scanned through the dozens in there and spotted it.

  ‘Is everything ok?’ Dan called.

  ‘It’s in my junk box, I’m not sure I can face opening it.’

  ‘Do you want me to?’

  ‘No!’ I snapped back. Let the guy I’d fallen in love with find out if I had some horrible, possibly incurable disease? No thank you! ‘Sorry, I didn’t mean to snap.’

  ‘You’re stressed. It’s understandable, but I’m sure you’ll be fine,’ he called.

  ‘How can you be, when even I can’t?’ I put the phone on the desk and put my fingertips to my forehead and stared at the header. I knew Zac had said he was clean, but his words didn’t really hold much weight nowadays. I suddenly felt my chair being pulled back and Dan grabbed my hand and pulled me up, then handed me the phone.

  ‘Come on. If you’re going to stare at it, at least do it in front of the fire with a mug
of hot wine and me to hug you if you need it,’ he ordered as he firmly tugged me behind him. He made me sit on the sofa and handed me the freshly filled mug off the coffee table and sat next to me with his. ‘So, I looked at the rest of the list you made.’

  ‘You did?’ I asked, still distracted.

  ‘It seems to have its merits.’

  ‘You’ll let him see it?’ I clutched the mug with both hands and drank and kept drinking until it was empty.

  ‘Ellie, you’ll make yourself sick again,’ he scolded.

  ‘Want more?’

  ‘No thank you, and I don’t think you should,’ he frowned at me.

  ‘Please don’t do that serious frown, it’s sexy.’ I stood up and put my phone on the coffee table and went to the kitchen to pour the last of the wine in my mug.

  ‘You’re fine, all the tests were clear,’ he announced and I turned around to see him looking at my phone.

  ‘You just read my personal email?’ I snapped, furious with him.

  ‘Well, you were obviously too scared, and you’re going to make yourself ill drinking to avoid facing it, so now it’s done. Stop torturing yourself, slow down on the drink and relax. You’re fine, every test was clear. Look,’ he waved the phone in the air and I stormed over and snatched it off him with a glare.

  ‘Unacceptable,’ I hissed and went to sit back in the armchair.

  ‘Isn’t that what a friend would do if you were too scared to look? Wouldn’t Brooke have done that?’ he asked, looking confused at my reaction. I scowled at him again, trust him to use logic, reasonable logic. Yes Brooke would’ve done that, it’s just I didn’t want him too. I’d have been mortified if I’d had something, especially after he … after he’d done stuff to me. I looked down at the screen and read the attachment, he was right every one said negative next to it. I heaved a sigh of relief.

  ‘I’m sorry I snapped, it’s just personal, and that wasn’t for you to see,’ I advised, without looking up at him.

  ‘Then I’m sorry I over stepped.’

  We sat in silence for a while until he got up and crouched down by my feet in front of the fire and put some more logs on. His skin looked luminous in the glow of the flames and I wanted to reach out and touch him. He suddenly turned his head and looked straight at me and sent my wits scattering across the polished oak floor.