‘Have you ever made mashed potatoes?’ I asked, then asked myself where the hell that just came from.
‘What?’ he laughed.
‘Sorry. It was a bit random, wasn’t it? I was going to do mashed potatoes to go with the bourguignon as you had the new potatoes with your lunch. They’re easy if you want to learn.’
‘Sure,’ he shrugged, looking totally unsure. I made him sit opposite me at the island and tipped the bourguignon into a large casserole dish and put it in the oven. I then showed him how the potato peeler worked, then how to cut them into small even pieces to cook quickly in boiling salted water. I explained I’d use a potato ricer normally, or a moulin légumes to get the potato really fine and smooth, but today we’d have to settle for a hand held masher. I whisked them up with a good knob of butter, some cream and salt and pepper and put them in another casserole dish into the oven to warm and brown on the top.
‘See, easy and tasty.’ I announced. I scooped some of the left overs out of the bowl with my finger and sucked it clean and dipped again for the last bit but before I had a chance to put it to my mouth, he leaned over and grabbed my hand. I watched in slow motion, holding my breath as he pulled me to meet him half way and gently put my finger in his mouth and sucked it while he looked into my eyes. I felt my mouth drop so I could take in some much needed oxygen as he rolled his tongue around it and made a groaning noise that sounded nothing like enjoyment of good mash. My insides were watering as he slowly pulled back off it and gently placed my hand down on the island.
‘You give good mash,’ he smiled.
‘You’ve no idea,’ I sighed and quickly turned and screwed up my face with pleasure at the thought of the sensations I’d just felt from what he’d just done. ‘Wine?’
‘No more for me, thank you. May I have some water?’
‘You may, I may join you.’ I filled up two glasses and sat opposite him as I swirled my water around. ‘So I have six questions?’
‘Officially you already used two, but yes, go on,’ he replied. I could hear the nervous edge in his voice.
‘What was your job before this?’
‘I worked in IT.’
‘IT? That’s all you’ll give me?’
‘Be more specific with your questions if you want more specific answers,’ he smirked. I frowned, five more tonight.
‘So you worked in London?’
‘Yes,’ he smiled as he gave me his one word answer.
‘Why are you here, on this island, shutting yourself away?’
‘I told you I needed some time to re-evaluate.’
‘That’s not an answer, and besides I already knew that.’
‘Then you should have asked a better question. Last three.’
‘Have you ever been in love before?’
‘Yes.’
‘Dan,’ I moaned. ‘Seriously, a one word answer?’
‘You chose the question, I choose the answer, Ellie. Two more.’
‘Do you see yourself ever settling down with a family of your own?’ I looked down at the island as I asked it and ran my finger over the granite.’
‘No,’ he responded sharply, but it wasn’t the way he said it that pierced my heart, it was that word “no.” This was good though, I needed to know that we weren’t in the same place, that we wanted different things, that we could never work. I couldn’t go back to London fantasising about a life I could have had with him, a life he obviously didn’t want.
‘Are you gifted in bed?’
‘Amazingly.’ I looked up at him and he had a huge grin on his face.
‘Yet you choose to waste that gift?’
‘It’s not midnight Ellie, you’re out of questions.’
‘But you virtually gave me nothing,’ I protested.
‘You ask your questions wrong.’
‘What do you mean? I know what I want to ask.’
‘Yes, but you give me the option to give a one word answer most of the time, like your last three questions.’ I looked at him puzzled. ‘So you, have you, did you, are you? With all of those I can answer with a yes or no. Simple.’
‘So how do I ask you questions where you tell me more?’
‘I’m not going to help you, Ellie. Figure it out and you may get some answers that you’re looking for.’
‘You’re so infuriating,’ I scowled with a pout. He quickly leaned over and pulled my bottom lip out.
‘You’re very sexy with that scowl and pout. But I like your dimples better, sweet cheeks.’ He let go as I took a shocked gasp of air in. ‘I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have called you that, it was a personal name for you and your dad.’
‘I just … no one’s ever called me that other than him.’
‘I didn’t mean to upset you,’ he said sincerely.
‘I know you didn’t, I just wasn’t expecting it.’ I turned around and gave my locket a caress, wondering what my dad would make of Dan and if he’d have been upset. I served up dinner and we ate in silence until he scraped the last of it off his plate.
‘Impeccable as ever Miss Baxter, though I did prefer the mash off your finger,’ he winked. I smiled and cleared up and heard the scrape of a chair and felt him behind me. He ran a hand along my shoulder and my head automatically leaned onto it. ‘I’ve had a really great day Ellie, thank you. I’m going to leave you in peace so you can have an early night. Call me tomorrow if you want any company.’ I nodded and closed my eyes as he softly kissed my hair, turned and walked to the door.
‘Dan,’ I called as I turned around to see him half way out of it.
‘Yes?’
‘I had a really great day too, thank you. And I love my tree.’
‘You’re welcome.’ He gave me a sad smile and locked the door and disappeared. I wrapped my arms around myself and sighed before turning off all the Christmas lights, covering the fire and heading up to brush my teeth and climb into bed. I was immediately hit by his scent and rolled over and grabbed the pillow he’d laid on last night and hugged it to me, burying my face in it. I could really do with a chat with my best friend now, but she was otherwise occupied and had big decisions of her own to make, without me and my stupidly falling in love with the most complex man I’d ever met.
‘Dan,’ I sighed as I fell asleep.
Dan
I lay in bed with my hands behind my head and a stupid big grin on my face. I couldn’t remember being this happy in forever. Just being around her lit me up, let alone having her touch me or kiss me. The strength I’d had to resist throwing her down on the floor and tearing off her clothes and sinking into her was unparalleled. I’d never held back before. I saw someone I wanted, I pursued her relentlessly until I had her beneath me, pleading with me to fuck her. There again, that very attitude was what had gotten me into this mess in the first place, why I’d spent three years of my life shut away from virtually anyone and everyone. I was sure that Ellie was strong enough now to never go back to Zac, but I hated the thought of her finding someone else, of her soft lips caressing theirs, her fingers stroking the back of their neck in that way she’d done mine, that way that turned me on even more. I knew the longer I spent with her the more I was likely to break, to forget the reasons why I couldn’t be with her, why being with her would hurt her if she ever discovered what I was hiding. Yet I couldn’t bear the thought of staying away. She was only here for another couple of weeks and I wanted to spend as much time with her as possible. Starting with a whole day together tomorrow.
Day Seventeen
Ellie
I sat at the desk, trying to concentrate on the six resumes John had sent over for me to vet and give my opinion on, but all I could think about was my new found realisation that I was in love with Dan. I’d sent Brooke an email, pleaded for an urgent facetime chat as soon as she was free, as I was sure that she’d need to talk to me about her own love triangle situation and hoped that she’d contact me soon. I made myself another coffee and forced myself to focus and make notes on each of the candida
tes for my job, before emailing my thoughts back to John ready for the interviews he was carrying out tomorrow.
I sat back in my chair and looked out of the window at the boathouse. I couldn’t bring myself to contact him, I was too afraid that he’d be able to read my real feelings for him on my face and I didn’t want him to know. I only saw it going one of two ways if he did, he’d shut me out again or it would make things strained between us, and when I only had two weeks left to enjoy being with him I wasn’t prepared for either option. Staying in here, hiding away from him though was self-defeating, I was depriving myself of valuable hours with him anyway. I wondered what he was thinking, we’d had an amazing day together yesterday and then I’d got all weird on him and now I hadn’t contacted him all morning.
I sighed, made myself a coffee and sat at my laptop and started writing again. My novel was based on unrequited love, inspired by watching Dan chopping logs with his muscular body rippling as he worked. I gave myself a wry smile, unrequited love, ironic given that was exactly the position I was in now. I was roused from the concentration of my fingers flying across the keyboard by the phone ringing and let it play for a while as I composed myself.
‘Hi,’ I answered.
‘Hi,’ he replied. One simple word. One word that with the power of his voice behind it had my whole body feel as if a high voltage current had just run through it. ‘What’s wrong?’
‘What do you mean?’
‘You seemed really distracted last night and you said you wanted to spend today together and I’ve been waiting all day for you to ring me.’
‘I told you I had some resumes to look over for work.’ O God, he had to make this harder by pretty much admitting he’d been sitting by the phone waiting for me to call.
‘How long do they take? It’s already nearly three.’
‘No? Seriously?’ I looked at my watch. God, he was right.
‘You can talk to me, Ellie,’ he sighed. ‘What’s wrong?’
‘Honestly, I’m fine. I’m sorry, I just got carried away with work and writing.’
‘Well, Pete the Pub is sending the snow plough down tomorrow to clear the lane so I can get out. Will you need anything?’
‘But the loch’s still frozen.’
‘I tested it this morning, it’s solid enough for me to walk over to the car once Pete digs it out.’
‘Are you sure?’ I tried to keep the panic out of my voice.
‘Yes.’
‘You’re going to that town?’ I asked hesitantly, it was obvious that since he’d been unable to go he was noticeably more relaxed and happy.
‘No, they’ve not fully cleared the mountain road yet, but some of the farmers have stocked the shop with potatoes and meat, and the bakery’s still producing. If you give me a list I can pick up supplies tomorrow. You could come if you want?’ I could hear the hope in his voice, which only made it harder for me to say no, but I wasn’t quite ready to see him. I wanted to talk to Brooke first, get her opinion on how to handle this damn mess I’d gotten myself into.
‘Sorry, I need to get on with my novel. We agreed that on week days we’d stick with our routines.’
‘Yes, but we’d agreed to spend today together. Were you even going to ring me?’ Now he’d switched to annoyed and I was hit with a pang of guilt.
‘I told you, I just lost track of time.’
‘If you’d prefer not to see me you can just come out and say it, Ellie,’ he snapped. ‘Don’t make bloody excuses.’
‘I’m sorry, it’s just not a good time, I’m in the middle of stuff.’ Trying to deal with my totally inappropriate feelings for you.
‘Then I’m sorry to have troubled you Miss Baxter, I’ll leave you in peace,’ he said coldly and hung up the phone, leaving me feeling worse than I had before he rang.
I carried on writing until seven, headed downstairs and poured myself a glass of wine and lit all the Christmas lights and made a fire. I debated cooking, but I couldn’t face eating. Dan was going to have to make do with his usual Pot Noodle or sandwiches. I grabbed the book I’d nearly finished and picked up where I’d left off. At nine my phone started vibrating and I nearly screamed with happiness to see that it was Brooke.
‘Babe, what’s going on?’ she asked immediately as her face came into view.
‘Brooke, I’ve really missed you.’
‘And I’ve missed you too, but you sent out a distress signal. Talk to me.’
‘You first.’
‘Uh huh,’ she exclaimed with a shake of her head. ‘You’re always dealing with my latest conquest crisis, you hardly ever offload on me about yours. Spit it out, what the hell’s got you all worked up?’
‘You’ll think I’m crazy,’ I sighed rubbing my forehead and wishing I had my iPad so I could prop it up instead of having to hold my phone.
‘Babe, hello this is me, I live in crazy. Me and crazy are seriously old friends,’ she laughed and I raised my shoulders in a silent one. I filled her in on my wonderful day with Dan yesterday and then took a deep breath.
‘He was kissing me Brooke, a seriously amazing and tender kiss and then he said “please don’t hate me” when he was telling me he couldn’t take things further, and I said “I don’t hate you” and then … O God … then … I …’ I stopped at the thought of it.
‘What?’ interrupted Brooke, her face was so close on my phone it was like the scene from the film The Ring, where the scary wet woman crawled out of the TV to attack.
‘In my head I said … I love you.’
‘Noooo?’ she exclaimed with a gasp and sat back.
‘Yes,’ I nodded firmly and covered my eyes with one hand, knowing how preposterous it sounded after two weeks of meeting him.
‘You’re in love with him?’ she asked.
‘Yes,’ I whispered still too embarrassed to look at her.
‘In love with the guy who won’t have sex, commit, talk about his past, and may as well live in North Alaska for the distance between there and London?’ her voice full of disbelief. I nodded and finally dropped my hand to let her see that I knew it was ridiculous. ‘Shit, babe,’ she sighed with a shake of her head. ‘I mean, I know he looks … like he does, hot with a capital H, but damn, his kissing and oral technique must be off the charts if he can make you fall in love with him from those two things alone.’
‘You say you’re in love with Molly after a few days Brooke, besides it’s not just his face, body and all that other stuff. Sometimes I see glimpses of the guy he really is under all that armour and he’s the sweetest, most caring and protective guy I’ve ever met. And when he’s not infuriating me with his closed off side, he makes me feel so good about myself. Being around him makes me stronger and have more belief in myself.’
‘You haven’t told him have you?’
‘Hell no, I’ve fallen inappropriately in love not had a lobotomy,’ I replied with a seriously? look at her.
‘So how are you handling it? Well, obviously you’re not handling it as he won’t let it get that far …’ she faltered with a dazed look on her face. ‘You’d need two hands to handle that and maybe some snake wrestling training, even in his boxers it looks a lethal weapon. He should name it Riggs after Mel’s character.’
‘Brooke,’ I laughed, ‘so not the time for inappropriate discussions, this is serious.’
‘I know, but seriously, can you imagine what it would be like?’
‘O trust me, I’ve imagined plenty of times,’ I groaned as I felt my core ignite at the mere thought of him. ‘But that doesn’t help with my current dilemma. I’ve been so embarrassed and worried he’d find out that I’ve hidden from him all day and he rang earlier to see if I was ok and sounded really hurt, then put the phone down on me when I said I was busy.’
‘Come home. You can’t stay up there with him like this babe, it’ll be torture for you and him by the sounds of it.’
‘I can’t come home, Brooke. The only way we can get off the island is by walking across fro
zen ice, which I’m not doing, let alone lugging my case behind me. Even if we got across the main roads are shut and at the moment there are no flights until Saturday the fourth, which I’ve already changed mine to, but that’s if the weather’s cleared up. I’m stuck here,’ I groaned as the realisation of how hard this was going to be hit me. Another two weeks of avoiding him wasn’t going to work.
‘What do you want out of this, Ellie?’ she asked, suddenly turning all serious. ‘Where do you see this going with him?’
‘I don’t know Brooke, all I know is I’ve developed really intense feelings for him and I want to get to know the man inside better, the man he thinks I’ll run screaming from. I don’t care about the distance thing, I mean I’d sacrifice seeing him for weeks at a time if I knew I could spend one weekend with him like the few good days we’ve spent together.’
‘You say that now Ellie, but when you’re back in London and you’ve got a new life to focus on, a new house, new job, things may change. Maybe you’ll fall back into life in the city and forget all about him, he’ll just be that almost winter fling that you’ll look back on fondly and you’ll find someone more emotionally and physically available.’
‘Maybe,’ I sighed, ‘but I don’t see it happening. Even if I did try and move on, I just have this feeling that every guy I looked at I’d compare to him and none would come up to scratch. I’m going to die a lonely spinster and be eaten by my cats.’
‘Don’t be ridiculous, you don’t even have cats,’ she smiled, trying to lighten the mood. ‘You’d die from gluttony after gorging on ice cream and chocolate to fill the void in your life.’
‘Thanks, Brooke.’ I gave her a half-smile.
‘God Ellie, I wasn’t sure you were serious, but you are, aren’t you? You’ve really fallen for him.’
‘So hard my arse is bruised, possibly even broken,’ I nodded.
‘You’ve just got to get through the next two weeks and then you’ll be home and we can start trying to get him out of your system. I’ll use his picture to start vetting guys for you that match up to his level of hotness, but I’m telling you I have my work cut out for me.’
31 Days of Winter Page 27
