America's Galactic Foreign Legion - Book 1: Feeling Lucky

by Walter Knight

  Suddenly, there were bright flashes coming from space. It was a spider counterattack. Nukes were going off on the horizon and getting closer. We jumped into the spider hole. It quickly took us deep below the surface of New Colorado. And a good thing too, because a nuke crashed down on our old campsite. The hole was sealed shut, so we kept going. We walked for miles. The radio was dead. It wouldn’t work below ground. Or maybe Kool broke it. I don’t know. I hate the dark. It gives me the creeps.

  * * * * *

  #64, habitat tunnel company guard, and his two companions saw the humans approach way too late for an effective ambush. That was the price for not being alert on a boring do-nothing post. There must have been twenty of the human pestilence. They would flash a red strobe light every ten seconds to light their way. #64 pressed himself as flat as he could against a nook in the side of the rock wall. #88 did the same at the opposite wall. #89 pressed flat to the ceiling. The human pestilence on point passed by. If only the other humans would pass, too, #64 would shoot them from behind as he radioed for help. However, the humans stopped a claw’s length away. Come on, just go by, thought #64. God, they are so hideous looking. Monsters!

  * * * * *

  I stopped. The hairs raised on the back of my neck. Total darkness. I could smell the spiders. Just like the one we killed earlier. Smelled like earwigs when you step on them, bitter and pungent. The others smelled it too, but no one made a sound. I clutched my rifle, waiting for the next flick of the red strobe light. Now! I shot the spider on the ceiling, then crashed sideways into another spider to my left. The spider clawed at me as I hit it with my rifle butt and kicked it in the leg. I could hear its leg snap as the spider fell to the ground, its rifle clattering to the side. Bullets ricocheted as Private Williams tore another spider apart. My spider hissed and clawed at me from the ground as I crushed its head with a stomp of my boot. It was all over almost as soon as it started. Then silence. And stench.

  “Anyone hurt?” I called out. Flashlights lit up the area as we checked ourselves and the dead spiders.

  “Just shit my pants is all,” answered Private Green. I hoped he was joking.

  “Got slime and spider guts all over me,” said Private Williams.

  “More Mamelukes,” said Lopez, holding up another diamond on a gold chain. “I think they all wear these diamonds and gold chains.”

  I snatched the two other diamonds. “We might get rich yet,” I said. “Got to love this war.”

  “These spiders just wait here in the dark?” asked Private Ceausescu. “It’s unnatural.”

  “I’ll protect you, sweetie,” leered Private Kool.

  “You can’t even protect yourself,” snapped Private Ceausescu.

  “Check them for food and water,” I ordered. “I’m getting hungry.”

  “Tell me about it,” said Private Kool. “I’m all out.”

  “There’s no food here,” complained Corporal Lopez. “I don’t think spiders eat much. You know, some spiders on Old Earth can go a whole year without eating.”

  “Yeah well, that fat little spider we killed earlier had enough food with him,” I said. “Keep looking.”

  * * * * *

  We didn’t find anything to eat, so we moved on. Walked for a couple more days. Found some water dripping from the tunnel ceiling. Private Williams ate a cricket. Said it was almost as good as back home (Tennessee). Finally we found light at the end of the tunnel, but it was a spider habitat – a huge cavern filled with spiders. Spiders were crawling around everywhere. Others were motionless, doing their spider-in-the-dark thing. There was even a waterfall and swimming pool with spiders swimming and splashing about without a care in the world.

  Everything happened fast. The platoon spread out. Private Williams opened up with the machine gun. The rest of us fired mini-grenades. Surprise was complete. Most of the spiders were unarmed, or had set their weapons aside in stacks. Maybe by instinct, the spiders clustered together in one corner. That just made it easier to mow them down. Just when we thought we had killed them all, half-sized spiders started dropping down on us from the ceiling. One bit Sergeant Lopez on the arm. Using our rifles like baseball bats, we swatted them out of the air and then crushed them under our boots. We chased a few up the walls until the last of them was dead. When the shooting stopped, the cavern was a bloody mess. We killed maybe 300 of them. The spiders were all shapes, sizes, and colors. Not one legionnaire was injured, except Corporal Lopez. And even his arm bite wound didn’t stop him from racing about, looting diamond chains from dead spiders. Even the half-sized spiders wore the jewelry.

  “Medic,” I yelled. “Attend to Lopez. He got bit. Green! There’s a bunch of spiders still twitching. Take a detail and finish them off.” I looked about. Spiders were floating in the pool. “And Green, clean out that pool. I want to take a bath.”

  “Yes sir,” said Private Green.

  “Everyone, keep looking for food!” I ordered, as I went around collecting diamond chains from the spider debris. “I’m starving.”

  “What do you think a spider tastes like?” asked Corporal Lopez, holding up a detached spider leg as Private Ceausescu attempted to put a dressing on his wound. “Crab legs?”

  “I don’t know. Maybe,” I answered. “Williams! I want you to cook us up some crab legs. Or maybe boil them like a lobster or something.”

  “Do I look like a cook?” complained Private Williams. “I am not eating spider.”

  “Don’t you give me no crap about cooking up some bugs,” I snapped. “You told me you cooked up lots of bugs back in Tennessee. And I saw you eat a raw cricket earlier in the tunnel.”

  “That was crawdads I ate back home, not bugs,” corrected Private Williams. “Besides, isn’t it unethical to be eating the enemy? Aren’t there rules or something against that sort of thing?”

  “You will be remembered for the rules you break,” said Corporal Lopez. “But Williams might be right.”

  “Does everyone in Tennessee eat bugs?” asked Private Green. “Is that why you are so odd?”

  “Crawdads. Not bugs,” repeated Private Williams.

  “I’ve been to Tennessee,” said Private Green. “I didn’t see anyone there eating bugs or crawdads. What part of Tennessee do you come from?”

  “Erwin, Tennessee,” said Private Williams. “It’s in the eastern part of the state.”

  “And they eat bugs there?” taunted Private Green, laughing.

  “You better stop,” warned Private Williams.

  “All of us learn to write in the second grade,” said Private Green. “Most of us go on to greater things. But you went on to eat bugs?”

  “What?” asked Private Williams. “The Legion is enough for me.”

  “I’m sorry,” said Private Green, still laughing. “Seriously, tell me about Erwin. What is Erwin’s claim to fame? Does Erwin have a statue of General Lee in front of the Court House?”

  “Who? I don’t know. A long time ago they hung an elephant in Erwin,” said Private Williams, in a low voice.

  “No way,” said Private Green.

  “An elephant in a traveling circus killed its trainer. No one in town had a gun big enough to put the elephant down humanely, so they hung the elephant from a railroad crane.”

  “Lynched an elephant?” commented Private Green, shaking his head. “Only in the South.”

  “The townsfolk aren’t all that proud of it,” said Private Williams. “There is still a plaque describing the hanging of Big Mary at the railroad station.”

  “Life is tough,” said Private Green. “It’s even tougher when you are stupid.”

  “Enough!” I said. “I’m so hungry I could eat an elephant. Either find some food, or start cooking spiders.” Looking up at the ceiling, I saw some vents. “Private Kool! Run an antenna up that vent and try to make contact with the Seventh Fleet. Download all our video camera data and send that out too. Maybe the military intelligence geeks can use it.”

  We had a feast that evening. S
pider meat was a bit salty, like sea food. There were lots of leftovers, so we stowed meat in our backpacks for the hike out. I took a shower under the waterfall and felt like a new man. Private Kool finally contacted Seventh Fleet. They were glad to hear from us. I talked to Captain McGee first.

  “Where the hell have you been?” he asked. “I thought you were dead a long time ago.”

  “We had to go underground when we got nuked,” I explained. “We just fought a big battle with the spiders. No one killed. Finally found a vent to run an antenna up to contact Fleet and send data.”

  “Right, we’ve been reviewing your video. God damn, I’ve never seen anything quite like what you have been through,” said Captain McGee. “You want to talk to the press about your experiences? Of course you do. I’m connecting you now.”

  “Sure,” I said, slumping down to sit on the cave floor. “Why the hell not?”

  “Sergeant Czerinski, this is Phil Coen, Channel Five World News. We meet again. Do you realize the news sensation you have caused? The galaxy has been worried sick about you being missing in action after you were nuked. Now our viewers are seeing your battle video as we speak.”

  “Oh?” I said. “How nice.”

  “For a week the world feared you were dead,” explained Coen. “Now, like a phoenix rising from the nuclear wastes of New Colorado, the Hero of East L.A. fights his way through enemy territory and survives! For now, anyway. This is just the good news needed for public moral amongst what has otherwise been a lot of heartache. The world follows your every move, now. You are the Scourge of New Colorado.”

  “Heartache?” I asked. “What’s been happening up there?”

  “A second spider fleet took Sixth and Seventh Fleet by surprise. It was a bloody mess with both sides taking heavy casualties. Both sides have withdrawn, and there is an unofficial truce in place,” said Coen. “We’re waiting for reinforcements.”

  “I want to get the hell out of here,” I demanded. “Put someone on who can get a shuttle down here now!”

  “Sure thing. General Kalipetsis just walked in and wants to talk to you,” advised Coen.

  “Czerinski! You’re doing a hell of a job down there,” radioed General Kalipetsis. “I’ve been viewing your video camera and computer downloads. You do the Legion proud.”

  “General, can you get us out of here?” I asked.

  “Well, you may be cut off for a while. Our fleets had to pull back Your Sergeant Wilson and Headquarters Company of Third Battalion got nuked. The rest of Third Battalion was evacuated. Don’t worry, we’ll get you out, too. Strategically, we are winning. The spiders don’t have a chance. When Tenth Fleet gets here, the remnants of the spider fleets will be crushed, and an invasion of their home world planets will begin. Tell your legionnaires the Tenth Fleet is coming. The spiders are doomed,” assured General Kalipetsis. “Meanwhile, I’m awarding you a battlefield commission to second lieutenant. Promote legionnaires you trust to sergeant and corporal. And one more thing. Listen carefully. When you leave that spider habitat, nuke it. I want it completely destroyed. Set off more than one nuke if you have to. Understand?”

  “Yes sir. Nuke it all. And thank you sir.”

  “We’ll try to send in some commandos to get you out when you get to the surface.”

  “Yes sir.”

  After we disconnected, I turned to Lopez and said, “General Kalipetsis says nuke the place. You know, I don’t really like the idea of nuking this hole until after I get out.”

  “How come gringos always get promoted to officer?” asked Lopez, indignantly.

  “Nothing personal. It’s a Legion tradition,” I explained, enjoying getting Lopez’ goat. “Why, you want to be an officer?”

  “No, but I don’t like injustice either,” griped Corporal Lopez.

  “OK, Zorro,” I countered. “I love you , too. So go forth and fight injustice.”

  “What do you mean by that?” asked Lopez, getting more agitated. “You aren’t even North American. What is a name like Czerinski anyway? You Polish or something?”

  “Czerinski is more North American than Lopez,” I said, getting upset. “My people landed on the coast of Texas in 1854, marched 500 miles to the central Texas hills of Karnes County, and built cities. Their old world churches still stand today.”

  “The conquistadors beat that by hundreds of years,” said Corporal Lopez triumphantly. “My ancestors were in Florida, up and down the Mississippi, and across the Southwest all the way to the California coast.”

  “That’s because they were lost on a pipe dream searching for the Cities of Gold and the Fountain of Youth,” I countered. “And I got more bad news, Lopez. You are promoted to sergeant.”

  “Can’t wait to spend my pay raise,” Sergeant Lopez said with a laugh.

  “You won’t be spending anything,” said Private Green. “We are all going to die in these tunnels.”

  “The General says the Tenth Fleet is coming,” I repeated loudly for everyone to hear. “They will get us out.”

  “If you want to tell the rest of them the Tenth Fleet is going to save us, fine,” said Green. “But don’t you look me in the eye and say it’s going to happen. It’s bullshit. The Tenth Fleet isn’t going to save anyone, and you know it.”

  “All I know is we’re nuking this place and getting out as soon as possible. And Green, you’re promoted to corporal. So shut up.”

  “I know one thing,” said Sergeant Lopez. “We better not get captured.”

  “I wasn’t planning on being captured,” I said. “Besides, I don’t think they take prisoners.”

  “I’m serious,” said Sergeant Lopez. “The spiders will kill us real slow.”

  “What?” I asked.

  “Think about it. We killed over 300 spiders here today. Big spiders, little spiders, all kinds of different spiders. And then, we ate them. We cooked them and we ate them. They’re going to be real pissed off about that,” added Sergeant Lopez. Lopez then took out a small satchel of looted diamonds and handed them to me. “And another thing. I don’t want these anymore. You keep them.”

  “Private Nesbit!” I called out. “Bring me your nukes!”

  “You can have all three,” replied Nesbit, handing the nuclear grenades over. “I’m tired of carrying them around.”

  I set the timers on all three nukes. I placed one nuke on the pile of dead spiders. Another nuke I put in the middle of the cavern. I kept the third nuke. “Corporal Green, you’re taking point. Men, we are moving out.”

  “I get promoted to corporal, but shit still rolls down hill to me,” complained Corporal Green. “Ain’t that a bitch.”

  “The spiders let our last point man walk right by,” I explained. “I’m hoping they won’t see you in the dark.”

  “That’s not funny,” muttered Corporal Green as he checked his equipment. “That’s not funny at all. Hero of East L.A.? I don’t believe it. Tenth Fleet? I don’t believe that either. They’ll promote any Polack right off the street to officer. We’re all going to die. This is a bunch of shit. I’d rather face Bubba Jones than do this shit.” Corporal Green disappeared into the tunnel still muttering. We followed. The tunnel seamed endless.

  * * * * *

  My communications pad beeped. I had mail! Usually my E-mail box was empty, but now it was full of fan mail. I scrolled through the messages until I found one of particular interest. It read, ‘Hey, Joey C. I saw you on TV and I think you are so hot. Imagine my surprise when my sister Patty told me she met you, and you wanted to meet me. I am so mad at her for chasing you off. I really want to meet you. Attached are some photos of me. Do you think my tattoos are sexy? When you get back to Mars, let’s hook up. I can’t wait. Hugs and kisses, Lisa.’

  I had a bad feeling about this tunnel. Green was going real slow, and I could sense his anxiety. I could smell the spiders again. Maybe they weren’t here now, but they had been here recently. The darkness was unnerving. I immediately replied to Lisa’s E-mail. ‘Dear sweet Lisa:
I loved your photos and so did everyone else. Your photos made my day. Your tattoos are especially sexy, and I want very much hook up with you. However, I don’t think I’m getting out of this alive. I want to give you something. There is a top floor suite at Harrah’s Casino on Mars that has a huge stuffed grizzly bear at the window. Hidden inside the grizzly’s foot is a money card. The card has a substantial amount of money on it. It’s all yours. I love you, Joey C.’

  CHAPTER 10

  Corporal Green walked quietly in the dark. His equipment, secured to his body, made no sound as he deliberately took one cautious step at a time. His light and heat detecting goggles helped show the way. But Corporal Green never saw what hit him. A spider jumped from a crevasse in the rock wall and sprayed Corporal Green with nerve agent. Corporal Green dropped immediately and was bundled up in web.

  Flash-bang grenades went off at my feet, followed by the sounds of gunfire. I was disorientated. All I could do for a few seconds was drop to the ground in a fetal position. Then a gas grenade went off. I yelled a warning of gas to the platoon as I pulled on my mask and rolled to the side for cover. The mask was not helping. I started convulsing. The last thing I remembered was sticking myself with atropine. That didn’t work either. We were now prisoners of war.

  * * * * *

  I awoke gradually, opening my eyes to find myself trapped underground inside a square cage sitting on bare dirt. I looked over with a start and saw a huge spider staring at me with its buggy eyes protruding from its ugly head. Shit! Keeping a close eye on the spider, I got up and patted myself down, checking for injuries. I seemed to be okay.