Under the Influence

by L. B. Simmons

  Grady and Liam rise from their seats as Cassie bolts to her feet and gives me a deadpan expression. “Ya think?”

  Reaching forward, I wrap my fingers around her forearm and tug her in my direction, offering a quick apology to the boys before marching us both to the bathroom. I feel her stumbling behind me, but my feet are undeterred and on a mission. As soon as the door closes behind us, I whirl around.

  “What is wrong with you?” Cassie seethes.

  I’m seconds away from a panic attack. My heart is racing uncontrollably and I bring my hand to my chest as I try to inhale deeply.

  I shake my head. “I’m losing it, Cass. Losing. It.”

  She tightens her stare as I continue taking long breaths in through my nose and exhaling through my mouth. “I’m about to lose it if you don’t tell me what the hell is going on.”

  As though my body is rejecting the idea, my head continues to move back and forth on its own. Only when Cassie makes a menacing move in my direction does it cease.

  After forcing a swallow, I respond. “I just saw Dalton. Well, what looked like Dalton, only not really, but kinda.”

  It’s Cassie’s turn to shake her head. “What? I’m not following. What are you talking about?”

  “Cass,” I hold my hands up, palms out. “Please don’t freak out, but Liam … he looks like Dalton, kinda. In the right light, I mean, I know that’s completely crazy but…” I bounce on the balls of my feet. “Oh!” I add breathlessly. “And he said something outside that made it sound like he knew you. I thought it was odd, but now…” I take a breath and replay the crazy words that just left my mouth. “Okay, I am definitely losing it, Cass!”

  She cocks her head disbelievingly and plants her hands on her hips, giving me a stern look of skepticism. Knowing there’s only one thing I can say that could possibly sway her belief, I void my face and drop my left hand, leaving the right on display.

  “I swear on your Kindle, Cass.”

  She gasps. “Nooooooooo…”

  My eyes widen and I nod slowly.

  “Nooooooooo…” she repeats.

  I continue nodding.

  She opens her mouth again and I clamp my hand over it as I whisper, “Yesssssssss…”

  We both stare until she pivots and darts out of the bathroom with me on her heels. We find the cover of a six-foot plastic plant upon our exit and root ourselves there, Cassie in front and me behind as we peek around it. Disregarding the stares of several gawking patrons, we watch together as Grady and Liam seem to be in deep discussion. Liam’s expression is drawn taut as Grady speaks.

  Cassie squints. “I don’t know, Spence. I mean,” she angles her head to the left, “maybe?”

  “Maybe I’m just losing it. I saw it, but from far away, now I’m not so sure,” I whisper in her ear.

  “No, I can see it. Kind of,” she affirms. “Now that you’ve pointed it out, I mean, I see the resemblance.”

  “What the hell are we going to do?” My voice is trembling as my fingers clench the tops of her arms.

  A waitress passes us, then pauses briefly. “Are you ladies okay?”

  We both turn in her direction. “We’re fine,” we state in unison.

  Her brows furrow into her forehead before she turns away and heads in the direction of the kitchen.

  Cassie redirects her stare to me and shrugs. “What do you want to do?”

  I breathe in deeply as my own shoulders lift. We look back at the table, then at each other. “I guess just have dinner without looking at him? Maybe my mind is just superimposing Dalton’s face on Liam’s as payback for the last five years of useless pining?”

  Cassie scrunches her face. “Highly unlikely.”

  Together, we turn our gaze back to the table.

  After a few more seconds, I gather my wits and press myself off of Cassie’s back, smoothing my dress. “Well, I guess we just go over there and act normal. Like nothing happened.”

  Cassie huffs skeptically as she rises. “Right.”

  I narrow my eyes and we hold gazes. Once my heart rate has finally slowed to normal, I breathe in deeply. After a resolved nod between the two of us, I turn with my friend in the direction of our dates.

  Time to get this show on the road.

  Whatever the hell this show may be.

  “SHE KNOWS.” GRADY’S VOICE is faint, almost inaudible as he lifts the glass of wine to cover his mouth before adding, “Lawson’s gonna shit.”

  I fight a smug grin and shrug. “He told me I couldn’t tell her. He said nothing about her figuring it out for herself.”

  He sets the glass on the table and glares at me disapprovingly. “You’re jeopardizing the entire investigation. Five years of work down the drain if your cover is blown. You’re willing to sacrifice that?”

  My face falls serious as I lean forward. “There’s nothing I wouldn’t sacrifice for her. She’s unsafe otherwise, regardless of what Lawson believes. I feel it in my gut, and it’s time for her to know.”

  Grady inhales deeply, glancing to the side before leaning to meet me in the middle of the table. “You’re lucky I trust you. Anyone else would have you extracted, immediately. But you know Silas’s operation better than any of us, and because of that, I will grant you this.”

  I laugh. “And I’m sure your granting me this date had absolutely nothing to do with her very attractive friend. The same friend I knew would be invited to the open class I convinced you to have for that exact purpose.” I tighten my stare for emphasis. “Just another gut feeling.”

  He says nothing but eases back in his seat as I do mine.

  “You’re welcome,” I add just as the girls make their reappearance.

  They’re both blatantly staring at me, shock paling both of their faces. I rise with their approach and offer my hand to Spencer, knowing she’s already figured me out. “Wanna take a ride?”

  My voice is still throaty as it’s been trained to be for the last three years. I clear it as she remains where she stands, and the caution in her eyes fucking slaughters me because I’m the one who put it there.

  Not taking my hand, she breaks our gaze to glance hesitantly at Cassie, who’s still watching me with uncertainty. Spencer glances back at me before stating, “We can take my car?” I lower my chin in affirmation before she turns to Grady. “I’m going to get your license plate number, just in case.” Spencer jabs her index finger in his direction. “Cassie better make it home safely because I know people.”

  Grady’s entire face tightens to suppress his laughter as he concedes with a dip of his head. “She’ll be home by eleven. Scout’s honor.”

  Completely straight-faced, he demonstrates the universal sign by displaying his first three fingers and Cassie notes her objection with a considerable huff as she takes her seat next to him. Spencer turns to me and I watch over her shoulder as Grady winks at Cassie, their faces breaking into equally rebellious grins before I redirect my attention to her.

  I extend my arm. “Keys?”

  “To my car? No, I’ll drive.”

  My palm remains exposed with an opened hand, silently requesting the keys. She doesn’t budge. Our eyes remain locked until Grady’s deep voice states from behind her, “Looks like you’re going to have a fun evening.”

  Spencer twists around and narrows her eyes while Cassie covers her mouth to hide her laughter. Reaching in my pocket, I grab my wallet and toss a couple of hundreds on the table. “Dinner’s on me.”

  Grady glances at the money before turning in his chair to signal the waitress. Once she’s on her way, he faces me and with a shit-eating grin on his face states, “Well then, I’m changing my order.”

  Cassie giggles as I respond with lifted brows of warning, “Then cancel ours.”

  Still smiling, Grady lowers his chin. “You got it.”

  I curl my fingers around Spencer’s forearm and surprisingly, she steps in my direction without me having to haul her ass over my shoulder. Side-by-side, we exit the restaurant in compl
ete silence.

  She takes the lead once we’re outside, digging in her purse in search of her keys as she navigates the way to her car. My eyes slowly graze up her body from behind, starting from the sexy heels on her feet then moving up her long legs to her beautiful rounded ass before finding her long blonde hair dancing in the wind as she walks. I breathe in deeply and my chest ignites as the smell of Love and Happiness fills my nostrils. The bittersweet fragrance reminds me of the times of our youth as well as the many nights over the past five years spent with that fucking perfume bottle glued to my nose.

  Spencer wheels around to face me, and I avert my eyes to the cement under my feet.

  “Which one is Grady’s car?”

  A chuckle works its way into my throat as I point to the grey Nissan Maxima parked a couple of spaces away. She turns back around and as she approaches it, pulls her purse to the side, digs around some more, then removes a pen and small notepad.

  My grin breaks free as she jots down his license plate number before storing the items safely within her purse. As though memorizing the car’s appearance, she gives the car a lingering look then pivots on her heel, heading back in my direction. She bypasses me without meeting my eyes, and I have no choice but to step in line behind her once again.

  After cutting through a couple of rows, her steps begin to slow as she approaches a blue vintage Mustang coupe, and the corners of my lips lift in appreciation. “This yours?”

  She twists back in my direction and nods, a proud smile on her face. My fingers linger on the rear of the car before I lift my eyes in question.

  “’67?”

  Spencer shakes her head and points toward the rear lights. “’68. You can tell by the side marker lights. The ’67 didn’t have them. They were installed the next year due to federal safety regulations.”

  Nothing sexier has ever come out of her mouth, and my cock stirs with thoughts of taking her on the hood of this’68 Mustang. I shift in my pants. “You seem to know a lot about cars.”

  She sighs as her eyes remain on the rear lights. “Yeah, well, I had a friend who had his own restored muscle car back in the day. I couldn’t help it. I fell in love.”

  At that, her stare slices to me and the outright resentment displayed in her expression pierces my fucking soul. Words fail me, and as though she senses it, she clears her throat. “Look, I know I said we could take my car, but that would leave you stranded in case you need to leave.”

  Another gut punch landed.

  She continues. “So maybe you should just follow me.”

  I debate telling her I didn’t bring a car, but I get the feeling she needs some time to process everything before we begin this lengthy discussion. I don’t blame her. Plus, my Rubicon is parked three spots over.

  Snaking my keys from my pocket, I head toward my jeep as the glorious growl of her engine fills the air. I grin as I slide into my driver’s seat, then turn the key and shift into reverse before pulling directly behind her.

  We make the fifteen minute drive to the apartment that she’s shared with Cassie since moving back to Fuller in December. Two and a half months of regular surveillance at this very location. Once parked, I exit my car and follow her to the front door. She unlocks it and steps inside, leaving the door open for me to enter as she tosses her purse on the couch and heads straight for the kitchen.

  “You should set the alarm,” I remark, eyeing the unused security pad as I shut and lock the door behind me.

  Spencer sets a freshly poured glass of wine on the counter, then bends at the waist, hooking her finger in the strap of her heels before tossing it aside. Stepping her bare foot on the wood floor, she switches to the other. “We were in a hurry.”

  I fight the urge to lecture her about the importance of safety and remain silent as she rises. Once standing, she sighs while looking at the glass in front of her before finally bringing her eyes to mine. “I’m going to change, and then we can talk.”

  Silently, my eyes follow her path as she crosses the room until she enters the hallway. After her door shuts, I head over to the living room window and move the beige curtain aside. Noting the unmarked vehicle is stationed where it should be, I pray they haven’t called Lawson with news of my appearance here.

  A slight shuffling sound alerts me to Spencer’s reemerging presence, and I lower the curtain before turning to face her. Wearing a simple Led Zeppelin tank top and baggy grey sweatpants, she still manages to steal my breath, no matter how many times I’ve seen her through the years. I’ve watched from afar as she’s grown from a beautiful young girl into the striking woman who stands before me.

  But that isn’t the reason I struggle to breathe.

  The reason is that for the first time since I was forced to leave, she sees me. She’s fully aware that I’m here, right in front of her, and the knowledge of that renders me completely breathless.

  Her steps are slow and deliberate as she warily watches me, her eyes never breaking from mine until she turns to enter the kitchen. After grabbing her glass of wine, she downs half the glass in one large gulp before lowering it and refocusing a narrowed stare on me.

  “Am I seeing things? Because you sure as hell resemble someone I used to know. Someone I haven’t seen in a very long time.”

  Ripples form in the wine, her hand trembling almost as much as her voice as she speaks. As much as I want to comfort her, I remain where I stand. I clear my throat and attempt to regain the use of my normal voice.

  The sound is foreign to my ears as I reply, “You’re not seeing things. It’s me, Spence.”

  The glass within her grasp begins to quake as she closes her eyes and tilts her head backward. She inhales deeply, then lowers her glistening stare onto mine. “Why? Why now? After all this time?”

  I lean my hip against a table by the window and cross my arms. “Truth?”

  “You owe me that, yes. I think I deserve an explanation.” Her tone is as sharp and cold as ice as she sets the glass down on the counter. And her stare rivals it.

  Drawing in a long breath, I begin. “I was there the night Rat was killed. The night he and his sister were murdered.” My throat constricts as the agony of the memory resurfaces. I clench my fists and swallow deeply as the pain runs its course. “It was the night of your birthday as you remember, I’m sure.”

  Spencer’s lips pinch tightly, but she remains quiet, allowing me to continue. “I had just pulled out of your driveway when several of Rat’s texts came through my phone. Something had gone wrong with a meeting he had with Silas, so I went straight to the warehouse. As I was pulling up, I saw Rat in the backseat of one of Silas’s cars, so I followed them. We all ended up in the middle of the woods, where Rat’s sister was shot and subsequently so was Rat. I tried…”

  My throat is almost completely swollen shut. No matter how many times I’ve covered this night in therapy, the pain of not being able to save him is still so fresh in my mind.

  “I tried to save him, but I couldn’t. I…” I shake my head. “I wasn’t fast enough. So I jumped the person who shot him, held a gun to his head, and started to pull the trigger.”

  Spencer’s sharp gasp cuts through the air, ripping off the scab of a wound that’s never really healed. I can’t bring myself to meet her eyes because I know what I will see. Pained horror will be staring back at me as she slowly begins to grasp the full extent of the monster I once was.

  And I can’t handle that right now.

  “Lawson saved me from making the worst mistake of my life. I didn’t kill anyone. I wanted to, but I didn’t. Lawson’s people apprehended the man and Lawson stashed me somewhere safe until we could figure out what to do next. Because I made Rat a promise that night as he laid dying on the ground in front of me that I would make it right. That Silas would pay. So that’s what I set out to do.”

  I find the courage to lift my gaze only to find her nervously nibbling her lip while drumming her fingers on the counter.

  “Lawson? As in Kirk Lawson? T
he man who’s been dating my mother for the past five years? Who’s become like a father to me? The same man who’s made absolutely no mention of any of this to either of us during that time?”

  I feel the conversation start to turn, so I reassure her in a steady voice. “He couldn’t. Telling you could possibly jeopardize everything we’ve worked so hard to put in place over the past five years.”

  Spencer shakes her head impatiently and silences me as she slams her palm down on the counter. “And what would that be? Because I still haven’t received any definitive answers to my original question? As harsh as this sounds, I don’t want to know what happened that night. I need to know why.” Her anger is undeniable as her voice trembles with her questions. “Why did you choose to leave? Why did you cut me completely out of your life? And why, after all this time, have you decided to come back?”

  I pin her with the sincerity of my stare. “First of all, I was forced to leave, Spencer. It wasn’t my choice to make.”

  The knot expands further in my throat, and I attempt to clear it before continuing to speak. “I had to go into hiding because it was the only way I could get out from underneath Silas safely. I had to go missing. I had to break ties. I had to cease communication. I had to completely disappear, leaving absolutely no trace. And I had to do it for years, in order to give us ample time to create a way for me to infiltrate his organization. I’m the only person who knows the intricacies. And I’m the only one who knows Silas well enough to predict what move he will make next.”

  “So, the hair, the beard, the eyes …. You’re undercover?” she concludes out loud before inquiring, “The voice?”

  “Lengthy vocal cord training,” I respond. “With Lawson’s recommendation, I attended and completed Lankston Police Academy in 2011, and was able to go straight into undercover work, setting up the connections necessary.”

  Her blue eyes widen and I know it’s because of the close proximity. Only four hours away.

  “It was far enough to keep me out of Fuller, but still close enough to use my knowledge of Silas’s customers in order to begin infiltration on the outside to work my way in. I acted as a small time distributor until I was recruited by Silas’s people to come back to Fuller as I knew I would be. We made sure my points of sell were widely dispersed, giving me an extensive range of distribution, one I knew he would want to claim for himself.”