In the Stars

by Joan Duszynski

  “I can’t wait to get you back home with me, Caroline. You have me all worked up like a high school kid that can’t keep his dick down.”

  I look down at Kyle’s erection in his pants, and then back up to his eyes. “You might want to get that under control before you hop back up on stage, and all the women in here try and trample over me to get to you to rectify that problem.”

  Kyle winks at me, and then leans in for another kiss. “No worries; as soon as I can make myself let go of you adjustments will be made. This, tonight, up on stage, to me it is all for you. Ok?”

  My face feels like it is going to split into two, because I am smiling so hard. “Kyle, you have no idea what that does to me.”

  Kyle looks down at my chest, and I know what he is seeing. My nipples have perked with arousal. “Oh, I think I have a pretty good idea. I am not the only one who needs to get their body under control, obviously.” He gives me one more kiss, and then winks before hoping back up on the stage.

  I look over at Taylor, and she has a smile on her face, but I can tell it is very guarded. Lee comes walking off the stage next and grabs Taylor up in an embrace, and then takes her mouth to his. They have their own little make out session. Then he pulls away, smacks her ass, and walks back up onto the stage.

  Taylor turns to look at me, and she is now wearing her own face splitting smile and her cheeks are red.

  The place has gotten very crowded now, and I feel someone grab my shoulder. I turn to see Bree from the restaurant standing behind me. “Wow Caroline, I thought that was you. Damn girl, you look hot—no wonder you stole Kyle’s attention. Glad you finally got a chance to come to one of their shows. I am a Tim girl, myself, but Kyle would be my second pick for sure.”

  I smile at Bree, and look down at “The Outfit”. “Yeah, well, honestly, this is the first time Kyle or anyone else for that matter has seen me dressed quite like this. You don’t look bad yourself, Bree. So, you are more into what I am learning to be bad boy, man whore, Tim huh?”

  Bree just laughs. “Yes; I have come to see that about him too, but I just can’t help myself—he is fucking hot. It isn’t like I will ever have a chance in hell, anyway, so why not lust after him for fun?”

  “Don’t sell yourself short, Bree; you just don’t know what might come. You know the good old saying, Never Say Never.”

  Bree shrugs her shoulders and smiles again, and then her full attention goes up onto the small stage. Before I get a chance to speak to Taylor again, I feel myself getting practically tackled from behind. I whip my head around to Raleigh and Tara, and they are both beaming with excitement. I look them both up and down, and notice the boys walking up behind them with drinks in hand.

  Raleigh has on leggings and a short sleeve shirt dress. Adoring her arms are several bracelets of all different sizes. Her hair and makeup look perfect, and quite frankly, she looks just right out hot with the smoky eyes she has done up as well. Tara is wearing a tight skirt and a shimmery cashmere looking tank, with her own pair of what I deem as stripper heels. Adam is standing behind her, and she is now pretty much his exact height with those heels on.

  “Well, hello to you girls, too. You about brought me down to my knees with your football tackle attack. You are looking mighty fine though, so I guess I wouldn’t mind having you on top of me.” I give them both a wink, and they each smack at my arm.

  “Talking about looking fine, Caroline; damn, just look at you. Tara told me she had the perfect top for you, but I don’t think this is exactly what I was picturing. Now that you mention it, I might want to jump on top of you again—I believe you have me contemplating swinging both ways.”

  We all start laughing, and I notice the guys both have very tense expressions on their faces. “I told you the top would work, Caroline. I am glad you decided to stick with it. Don’t think I didn’t realize you took a second outfit for backup.” Tara squints her eyes at me, and I just place my hand on my chest, playing innocent. “You got it all put together perfect, and I love the way you did your makeup and hair with it. You get a two thumbs up.” Raleigh starts to shake her head in agreement.

  Sam walks over to me, and gives me a weak hug. “Well Caroline, I have to say you do look really good. I am a little nervous about hugging you, though. Not sure where the safe to touch appropriately zone is with all this skin showing. I never even knew you had a tattoo—everyone knows now, though.” He gives me a mischievous smile, before going to stand back beside Raleigh.

  I just give him a smug look, and then smile. Adam walks up to me next, and reaches out for a hand shake. “I have to admit, Caroline, all you girls are looking very hot tonight. I am digging the tat myself, from what I see. I think I am just going to go for the only really safe contact, though; let’s shake on it.”

  I reach for his hand, and pull him to me, making him hug me. “Oh, just get over it, Adam; this covers more than a bathing suit, and I hope I will be seeing you some over the summer too—so deal.”

  Adam’s arms squeeze around me as he pulls me up off the floor and spins me once. As he plants my feet back down on the ground, I can’t stop my giddy laughing. “Just remember Caroline, you asked for it. Don’t go trying to test me; you won’t win.” Adam gives me a wink as he is stepping back over by Tara.

  The boys have started warming up on their instruments, and I turn back to see Kyle watching me. Once we make eye contact a smile comes across his face, but I can see the questions in his eyes. Even though I have talked about them both, he has never actually met Adam or Sam before. He knew they were coming tonight, but I guess he isn’t positive yet that this is for sure them. I give a big smile and mouth their names, hoping he can tell what I am saying. He gives me a smile back, and that oh so hot wink of his, as he runs his fingers through his hair.

  I turn back to the group, and introduce everyone to Taylor. Kyle starts to talk into the microphone, introducing the band and thanking everyone for coming. The first song starts, and the crowd is immediately excited. I watch Kyle with my full attention, and I can’t believe how good they all sound and how intense they all look performing. It is beyond intoxicating, and I feel heat running from my head to my toes. Kyle watches me throughout their performance, and I really feel like he is doing all this for me just like he said.

  Throughout the night, I notice Tara and Adam a couple times getting mighty close, and a few quick touches on the arm or back, but nothing more. Raleigh and Sam try talking off and on throughout the show, and he stays close by her side, but there is no touching at all. We all have a great time watching the band, and take several pictures of them, as well as of all of us, throughout the night with our phones.

  A couple guys stray their way over toward us girls, trying to make their move or just get a feel, but Adam and Sam do a good job at being our look out. The night is almost over, and Kyle speaks into the microphone before they start up their last song. “I have a very special-to-me someone here tonight. She has become very important to me, and I would like for her to become my everything. I can’t speak for her feelings in return, though, and I’m not too sure she can give me an answer of her own. This one is for you, Caroline.”

  There is an ‘awe’ throughout the crowd, and I am suddenly frozen in place, staring directly up at Kyle as he watches me intensely. The music starts, and as soon as the first lyrics come from his mouth I know what the song is, and what he is feeling from me and for me. It is Breaking Benjamin Give Me A Sign. Raleigh’s hand reaches over and wraps around my waist, and then I notice the tear running down my cheek. Without actually full on speaking the words before, Kyle has been letting me know he wants a more serious relationship from me. Yet, I have never committed myself fully back for him. When the song ends, Kyle places his guitar down and hops back off stage, and grabs me up into his arms and takes my lips to his. He is all sweaty and hot, and I can feel his heart racing in his chest. I hear a couple different woman around us saying things like “lucky bitch, how could you not be sure about your feelings w
ith Kyle, etc……”

  I feel his body tense up at their words, and he pulls away from our kiss and looks over his shoulder with an irate gleam in his eyes. Kyle turns back toward me, and his face turns into an expression of wonder and what could be taken as love. He reaches up and wipes his thumb under my eye, catching another tear that has escaped me. I just stare into his eyes, and I still can’t speak. I can feel my hand shaking, as I reach up and run my fingers through the side of his hair and behind his ear. He closes his eyes briefly, and leans into my touch.

  “Sorry, Caroline, if that was too much. I have been trying to ask you where you see this going, and how you feel for me, and let you know that I have completely fallen for you. Music seems to be a good way of communication for both of us, so I went for it.” He shrugs his shoulders, and I feel his fingers digging deeper into where he has a grip on my waist—almost as if he is afraid I will just turn and walk away.

  I reach up with my other hand, and wrap both my arms around his neck. “Kyle, I…. I don’t want to be unfair to you. You have become very important to me, too. I think we might be on different levels, though. Can I… I mean, can we….”

  Kyle’s finger reaches up, covering my lips. “Shhhh, it’s ok; not right now, Caroline. Let me get things straight here, and then take you home with me. No matter what, I want you home with me tonight; please.” I shake my head up and down, and kiss his fingertips. He hugs me tightly, and then hops back up onto the stage, helping the guys get everything straight.

  I turn back toward my friends, and I see many different expressions throughout them all. I take notice to several pissed off looking girls staring at me, and I have no idea who they are, but I realize I am suddenly the enemy. Raleigh and Tara both walk up to me and take me into their arms. I lean into them, and try and hold the tears back; now is not the time for an emotional breakdown.

  I pull back, and they both look at me, trying to read my thoughts. If they are able to succeed in this, then they are true psychics, because I can’t even fully tell what I am feeling right now. I am all over the place, and I really need to leave this building. Kyle wants me with him tonight, though, and no matter what final decision I make, I will give him all of me now. Tonight, I am Kyle’s alone, and I pray this doesn’t make matters worse.

  Kyle and Lee come walking back over to us, and I wrap my arm around Kyle’s waist as he leans down, kissing my head. I introduce him to Adam and Sam, and everyone let’s Lee and Kyle both know how much they loved the show, before we all head our separate ways.

  I WALK INTO my door on Sunday night, and go straight for the fridge to pull out two of the beers we still have left from when Adam was over. I twist the cap on one and walk to my bedroom, dropping my bags onto the floor. I was supposed to work tonight, but I called in sick for the first time ever since I started working there. Tara is off for some Sunday dinner that she and her family tries to have as much as possible. I grab my hoodie, IPod, and blanket, and head back out the front door and walk over toward the side of the house where things are darker and I can see the night sky better.

  I put my ear buds in, and pull my hood up over my head. I lay the blanket out on the grass and sit down, wrapping the rest of it around me and leaving my hands free. As the music starts playing, I lean back on my arm, while tipping back my beer with the other.

  The memories from last night start swimming through my head. The feeling of Kyle walking up behind me in his room and releasing the tie on my shirt, as his lips lightly pressed across my shoulder and up my neck. The way he actually shuddered when I reached back and undid his pants, so I could slide my hand inside. His hands reaching up, grasping both my breasts as I gripped him in my palm. It was the slowest, most gentle removal of clothes I have ever had. Every kiss more intense than the ones before. Both of us studying and memorizing every inch of one another from the outside in. Kyle didn’t fuck me last night; Kyle made love to me. I let him, and gave him all of me in return, before we wrapped up into each other’s arms with my head on Kyle’s chest as his steady breathing put me to sleep.

  Nothing was said during the night about what he wanted from me, and what I wanted in return. We were just there together. Two people who cared about one another sharing a special moment. Feelings different or not; at that moment we both just wanted and needed one another, and we gave it all.

  I am looking up into the stars, and have already finished my first beer. The tears start running down my face as I open the other bottle. Memories of this morning coming to me now. Waking up on my side with Kyle beside me, and his fingers lightly caressing my back. I’m not sure how long he had been awake, watching me, but I could tell when I looked back at him that he hadn’t slept well, and his eyes looked like they were glistening with tears.

  I roll to face him, and reach my hand up to his cheek. Kyle’s lips slightly perk, but he can’t bring a smile to them as he leans into my palm. “Caroline, I will never regret you coming into my life. I am sorry for whatever it is that is holding you back, and I hate that you won’t be mine, but I will never hate or regret you. Last night, what we had….. that was goodbye for you; wasn’t it, Caroline?”

  Tears well up in my eyes as I lean in to kiss Kyle. He closes his eyes tightly and parts his mouth, letting me give him this one last part of me. When he pulls back, a single tear falls, and I reach up to wipe it away. “I never meant for this to happen like this, Kyle. I still can’t even explain to you, or myself, why I can’t give myself fully to you. You are perfect, and you have been nothing but what I would call a dream come true to me. Something in me is being pulled somewhere else, and I can’t be so unfair like that to you. I will never ever regret you either, Kyle, and I am so sorry that this has to be goodbye.”

  The second beer is already empty now, and I lay back flat on the ground, looking up, pulling the blanket tighter around me. I keep looking up and praying inside for the answer to what the hell it is I am doing, and if I have totally just thrown away the path my life was supposed to be on.

  When I left Kyle’s, I went to Raleigh’s, and she held me tight as I told her all I was able to get out. I left her place with intentions of going to work, but once I started driving I knew there was no way I could go there tonight. Now here I am, drinking and crying alone in the dark, waiting on some nuclear fusion mass in the sky to give me all the answers. What the fuck is wrong with me? I close my eyes as the tears start falling again.

  I’m lying back, feeling numb and entranced, when I see headlights pulling in toward the house. I try and pull my hand out from my blanket cocoon and reach for my ear buds, when I hear two voices yelling. As I am about to sit up, strong arms reach under me, lifting me from the ground and pulling me tightly against a very firm body. My ear buds are now out, and I start pushing away with my hands against the firm chest of Eric, speaking frantically at me, as Tara comes into view behind him, speaking the same way.

  I try pulling down with my legs to get out of his grip, as I look very confused between the two of them. “What the hell happened, Caroline; are you hurt? Fuck, is everything ok?”

  I push against his chest again, with no luck. In Eric’s arms is not where I need to be right now after the confusion and hurt I have already just caused. Even though he isn’t aware of it, I have come to realize Eric is the pull that won’t let me be. “Put me down, Eric—what the hell? I’m fine.”

  Eric’s eyes squint tightly, and his mouth goes flat as he looks over my face, taking in my current state. He pauses for a moment more before placing my feet back down on the ground, and then Tara grabs me up into a tight embrace. “Son of a bitch, Caroline. What are you doing? You scared the shit out of us. Think about it—we pull into the drive to see what appears to be a body wrapped up in a blanket over in my lawn. How do you think that would make someone react?” I look down at myself, and then over at the driveway.

  Somehow, in my trance-like state I have been in today, I didn’t even notice Tara’s car was still here. She must have ridden with Eric to thei
r parent’s house for dinner. I’m sure seeing a cocooned body lying in your front yard isn’t exactly the most comforting thing to come home to. “I’m sorry, Tara, Eric. I just came out here for some thinking time, while looking at the night sky. I didn’t mean to freak anyone out.”

  Tara has taken a step back, but her hands are still resting on my shoulders as she looks me over. Her mouth falls to a slight pout, and she just nods her head, knowing what my decision must have been. She wraps her arm around my waist, and starts to lead me back toward the house. Eric steps back for us to pass as he watches me, looking straight into my eyes as I walk by.

  Once we walk in the door, I untangle myself from the blanket and kick off my shoes. Tara reaches out to take the blanket from me, and as her hand touches mine she pulls back quickly. “Caroline, you are freezing; your hands feel like ice. I’m going to get you a warm blanket.” I hear rustling around in the kitchen behind me, but I can’t bring myself to look back at Eric. I ball up on the couch, and pull my hood down off of my head. The air around me suddenly smells like coffee, and Tara is back in front of me, placing a fuzzy purple blanket over top of me.

  I pull up on the blanket, nuzzling it up to my chin, realizing now how cold I really am. It is amazing how the mind works, to the point of you go so numb you can’t even feel the cold that you hate so much. I look up at Tara, and give her the best smile I can manage. “Thank you for the blanket, Tara. I really didn’t realize how cold I actually was. I’m very sorry for freaking the two of you out. I wouldn’t have thought anything good if I pulled up to that scene, either. When I have a lot going on the stars seem to be my go to place.”

  Tara smiles back at me as she tucks her hair behind her ear. She walks over to the chair across from me, and curls her legs up underneath her. “Caroline, just know I am here for you. If there is ever a time you need a listening ear, or a shoulder to lean on, I am here. Think of what you did for me that day, and you didn’t even know me.”