Scozzari: Deviant #3

by Roberts, Jaimie

  “What about Amy?”

  I stiffen and I know she feels it. “Amy and I always had an understanding. Somehow, what with her brother and everything it kind of went down a rabbit hole. I’ve told her time and time over that I don’t want to take things any further than what we have. I’m going to be honest with you, because I think you deserve that. Amy’s been persistent lately and it’s taken until now to realize that I may have been suckered in. Since your break-in, I’ve avoided all contact with her. She’s still calling every day, though. I think I’m just going to have to tell her how I feel. That I’m with someone else now. Maybe then she’ll stop contacting me.”

  “What about her brother, though?”

  “He’s still not in the picture—for now.”

  “I feel... conflicted. In one sense, I don’t like the thought of you two together, but in another, I want her to be safe. I know it sounds bad, but if we’re going down the honesty route, then there it is. And when you consider the fact I don’t want a serious relationship right now, that makes me sound like the most selfish person on earth.”

  “Remember that asshole who tried to walk you home a few weeks back?”

  “He’s not an asshole. He’s in my class and he’s nice.”

  I stiffen again, causing Caitlin to giggle.

  “I don’t care how nice he is. When he’s trying to get my girl, then I most certainly won’t play nice.” I sigh as she continues laughing. “See. Just the mere mention of him and already I’m gearing up for battle. You talk about feeling things you shouldn’t. Well, that’s not exactly the most mature way to behave, is it?”

  She kisses my arm and just that little tiny touch makes my dick react.

  “It’s also not mature for me to mention that I kind of like you like that. Stupid, when you consider I was in a relationship that started off that way before spiraling, but with you... I don’t know. It’s hard to explain.”

  “You feel safe?”

  She takes a moment to answer and the whole time my throat is in my mouth.

  “Yes, of course I feel safe with you. You’ve never given me any reason not to trust you.”

  I let out a breath I didn’t realize I had been holding. “I’m glad. No matter what happens, I always want you to feel safe. I also want you to promise me something.”

  “What?”

  “If there is ever a time when you don’t feel safe with me, I need you to promise me you’ll tell me—no matter what.”

  She kisses my arm again and lets out a tiny sigh. “I promise.”

  And when she carries on splaying tiny kisses on my arm, my body reacts to every single one. I turn her over, kiss her, and show her just how safe she really is.

  The whole weekend, I never left Jeremy’s bed. The only time we did was to eat and get more condoms. We were insatiable with each other. However, I knew the whole time that behind that smile there was something on his mind. I’m not sure what that was, but there definitely seemed to be something. I had hoped he would eventually share whatever that was, but alas, he never did.

  Still, it didn’t take away the massive high I was on. We were together, but taking it slow. Jeremy understands I need this and for that, I want to be with him even more. My heart is yelling for me to dive right in, but my head knows it needs to be the sensible one. The decision maker.

  After checking in with my parents, I’m about to leave for college when I hear the sound of a car engine revving outside. I take a peek and find Jeremy in his car, his eyes scanning to look for me.

  “Loverboy’s here to see you,” Stacey sings, trying to tease me. I wave at Jeremy to let him know I’m here, before smiling back at her.

  “I have a very sore hoo-ha, what have you got?”

  I see her face flush and smile because it’s exactly the reaction I was after. Of all the things she expected me to say, it certainly wasn’t that.

  “Just go already,” she responds, waving her hand theatrically.

  “Don’t you want to come with?”

  “No, I have Calvin taking me today.”

  She kept that quiet.

  “Oh? Got anything to tell me about your hoo-ha?”

  Her expression is nothing short of exasperated. “Number one, stop calling it a hoo-ha. And number two, just because you and Jez have now gone past the friend zone, doesn’t mean the same has to happen for us.”

  I know when not to push it further, so I leave it there. Instead, I grab my bag and head out to Jeremy’s car.

  “Surprise visit,” I observe as I get in and close the door.

  “I was thinking it would be a waste us both using the car to get to college, so why not go together? It saves on gas. Besides, I just want an excuse to drive the sexiest girl in the whole of Virginia.”

  “Just Virginia?” I tease, causing him to laugh.

  “I knew you would say that. Of course I mean the world, but I only wanted to keep that nugget of information to myself.”

  “Ah, a romantic at heart.”

  He grabs my hand, setting it on the gear stick. “Only when it comes to you.”

  “Have you got many classes today?”

  “Just the one, but I want to come back and pick you up again after you finish—if that’s okay?”

  I roll my eyes. “Well, considering you’re taking me, so I have no car means I really don’t have any choice. But I’m kind of guessing you meant the outcome to be that way.”

  “Aww, shit. I’ve been busted.”

  We both laugh and it’s in that moment I realize this is the happiest I’ve been in a very long time.

  Once we arrive together at the college and Jeremy grabs my hand, all eyes are upon us. Not only are there stares, there’s also whispers. I guess it’s to be expected when the unobtainable Jeremy Scozzari suddenly starts holding hands with a girl. As far as I’m aware, Jeremy has never held hands with Amy, so I can’t help the little imp in me that’s happy with this thought.

  I lean over to whisper. “They’re staring.”

  Jeremy shrugs. “Let them. I don’t give a shit. The whole world knows you’re mine now.”

  Well, not quite the whole world, but a sense of pride at the thought still swells in my heart.

  At the entrance of the college, Jeremy suddenly swings me around to face him and grabs the back of my head. Our lips touch, setting in a hunger I’ve become familiar with now that we’re already used to each other in an intimate way. Before when we kissed, all I had was my imagination. Now, I know what it’s like to feel Jeremy inside me. I know what it’s like to have that all too consuming desire satiated in a way I never knew possible.

  As we’re kissing, I can hear the giggles and whispers, but I drown them all out, not letting it perturb me. When we do part, our breaths are ragged, but our smiles say all there is to say.

  “See you after school, baby.”

  I bite my lip, trying ever so hard to suppress my smile, but it’s useless. “Okay,” is all I say back.

  We part ways, him going to his class and me to mine. I feel on top of the world, hardly taking in anything my professor’s telling me. It’s during my small break that things take an ugly turn. I’m in the toilet, having a little refresher to kill some time between lessons when Amy suddenly appears from nowhere and approaches the mirror to put some lipstick on. Immediately, I’m on edge, because I’m feeling she must know by now that Jeremy and I are kind of a thing. Word would have gotten out, and Amy definitely would have been involved in that word. To make matters worse, she doesn’t speak for a moment as she’s touching up her lipstick. All I can do is stand there and wash my hands, feeling the most awkward I’ve felt in a long time.

  “Caty, right?”

  “Caitlin,” I correct. I know she knows my name. For some reason she wants to be childish, but I refuse to take the bait.

  “How’s college life in Virginia?”

  I have a feeling she doesn’t give a shit, but there’s a reason why she’s making small talk. I have yet to find out the re
ason why.

  “I’m liking it so far, thanks. How about you?”

  She sighs drastically and puts her lipstick back in her purse. “It’s been going great, but I may have to drop out.”

  Frowning, I turn to her. “Why?” I thought she really wanted to be a beautician, or something.

  “Last Friday, I found out some news I wasn’t expecting. At least something I wasn’t expecting for a few years to come. It’s bad timing, but sometimes these things happen.” She rubs her belly for special effect, smiling down at it adoringly. “Jez and I are having a baby.”

  My head starts to pound. At first I want to ask her if this is some kind of joke, but I know if I do, I’ll end up making a fool of myself.

  “How long?” is all I can ask. My head’s spinning with the news. Does Jeremy know?

  “I missed my period two weeks ago, so the doctor estimates conception would have been around four weeks ago.”

  Four weeks ago was when Jeremy was pursuing me. Four weeks ago was when the break-in happened. Four weeks ago was when I started to realize that my feelings for Jeremy were only going to get stronger.

  When we were being honest that night with each other, I had hoped he told me everything. For some reason, he let the fact they'd slept together four weeks ago amiss from the conversation. If he had told me, I would have been pissed, but at least he would have been honest. I had always trusted Jeremy, now I’m not so sure.

  “Did Jez not tell you?”

  This is just getting worse. Did Jeremy sleep with me this whole weekend knowing he had gotten another girl pregnant?

  “No, he didn’t,” I reply softly. I feel as dejected as I probably look. Knowing this, I straighten my back. I can hazard a guess that Amy has come in here for a reaction, and so far I’m giving her one.

  “I suppose it is quite soon. That’s why I’m here. We said we’d meet up after his class and talk some more about the baby and stuff. Of course, we both want the baby, but I suppose he’s going to have to ask me to marry him now. It’s what his parents would want.”

  But is it what he wants?

  I thought my head was banging because of the news, but now it’s turning into a fully-fledged migraine.

  “Anyways, he’s waiting for me outside. I just needed the ladies’ room a minute. You know... to freshen up. I want to look my best for my baby daddy.” Her posture straightens and she does a little wave. “Anyway, bye.”

  All I can say is “bye,” back before I watch her turn and leave. For a moment, I stand there in silence, trying to control my beating heart. One thing’s for certain, I have to find out if she’s telling the truth. I have to see it with my own eyes.

  Not caring that my next lesson is in five minutes, I walk in the opposite direction toward the exit. When I reach the door, I pull it open and my heart breaks with what I see.

  Amy’s running toward the car and I watch as Jeremy pulls the door open for her so she can get in. When she does, she leans over, kisses him on the cheek, and shuts the door. They drive off after that and my heart sinks that little bit further.

  “Jeremy. What have you done?”

  Tears well in my eyes, but that only makes my preceding migraine that much worse. With class already in procession, I decide the best thing to do is just go home and go to bed. I know I won’t be able to concentrate. Not with the news Amy delighted in telling me.

  I leave on the spot, deciding to walk the three miles to home. Considering Jeremy took me to college this morning, it’s left me with little choice.

  With only the thoughts of Amy, this potential baby, and Jeremy on my mind, by the time I reach home, my migraine’s decided to worsen to the point I feel sick. The moment I’m through the door, I throw up.

  Once I clean myself up, I take two strong Advils, turn my phone off, and head straight for bed.

  Text message.

  That’s how I find out that Amy’s pregnant. Via text on the last twenty minutes of my class. I had no other choice. I had to make an excuse to leave, upsetting my professor—yet again, and call Amy. I told her to meet me in the parking lot and left to go get my car. I was waiting twenty minutes before I saw her walking away from my college. I opened the car door for her and she got in, all smiles and kissed my cheek. I had to rein in my frustration of the situation. First of all, I needed answers.

  “What were you doing coming out of my college?” I ask, as I pull away.

  “Well, since last week I’ve been nonstop peeing. I guess even the tiniest of babies make you pee a lot.” She giggles, but nothing about this situation’s funny.

  I make sure we’re out of sight from the college before pulling over onto a quiet side road and facing her. “Amy, I need answers. How can you be pregnant?”

  She shrugs. “I don’t know. I think it was that night when we smoked that funky weed. I don’t remember much, but I do remember small bits. I was in my room asleep, but I think I heard you calling my name. When I got to your room, you were lying naked on my bed and you were really... well, let’s just say it was obvious what you were after.” She giggles again and all I can do is place my hand over my face. This can’t be happening. Please, God, tell me this isn’t happening.

  “I vaguely remember sucking your cock and then you asked me to ride you. I told you we didn’t have condoms, but you were insistent. I was too high to argue, or even care. I just remember how good it felt, but then I didn’t seem to remember anything when we woke up the next morning.”

  I lost her after the mention of her riding me with no condom. It was a dream. I swear it was all a dream.

  But how can I swear it was all a dream if it took place exactly how Amy said it? I know we normally start sex off after she sucks me for a while, but I can’t get away from the fact it may have happened.

  Shit. I’m such an idiot. I let my approach to care too much get in the way of my own feelings. I knew I shouldn’t have gone to Amy that night. I knew that in doing so it may jeopardize any possible relationship with Caitlin, but it just took Amy to mention she needed me because she was scared, and I had answered her call.

  If only I had listened to my gut.

  Hindsight is a motherfucker.

  “Are you sure it happened that way? Could it be someone else?”

  She gasps at my question. “Jez, how could you? You know it’s only ever been you. I would never sleep with anyone else. You should know that by now. This baby’s yours, so now the question is, what are we going to do about it?”

  My head hurts with it all. I’m going to be a father. I always knew I wanted kids, but not this way. I was going to eventually fall in love, settle down, and have a family in say ten years’ time. Not while I’m in college with only my fights from the gym as my savings.

  “Do you want me to have an abortion?”

  I snap my head to her. “No, that’s not what I want. Unless you do?” She knows my feelings about this, so I’m surprised she’s even asked.

  A lone tear falls down her face and I watch as she wipes it away. I should console her, but right now I’m selfishly thinking about how this all affects me.

  I know. I’m an asshole.

  “I want to keep our baby. I already love him or her. I want us to be together, Jeremy. You know it’s what I’ve always wanted. I know it’s not the life you thought you’d want, but I promise you, if we try and make this work together, we can be happy. It just needs your say so for it to happen.”

  Immediately my mind goes to Caitlin and how this will all affect her. We had only just gotten together when this piece of news crashed down on me like a ton of bricks.

  “I wanted to tell you something...”

  “You’re seeing Caitlin. I already know that. I didn’t intentionally set out to hurt you, Jez. I don’t know. Maybe we can have some sort of arrangement. We live together as a family, but I’ll be willing to let you see Caitlin every now and then. I don’t want to be completely unreasonable.”

  Fuck me. Can this get any worse? Not only does she want
us to live together, she’s also willing to let me fuck Caitlin on the side like she’s my dirty little secret. Caitlin will never, nor will she ever be my dirty little secret.

  “I won’t do that, Amy. Not only is it not right, I would never be able to do it. Caitlin would never go for that idea either.”

  “Then what do you want to do?”

  “I don’t know!” I say, a little harshly, making her wince. Now I really do feel like shit. “I’m sorry. This is a lot to process.”

  She squeezes my arm slightly. “I know. It was a lot for me to process too when I found out. All I know is I’m pregnant and it’s yours, and I want to keep the baby.”

  I nod, resigned to the idea. What choice do I have? I don’t remember what happened that night, but it was still my decision to go there and stay the night. It was still my choice to get high to the point I can’t fucking recall anything, and what I do recall I thought was all a dream. I was stupid, and now I need to man up and take responsibility.

  “Okay, we’re keeping the baby. But I need some time to figure some shit out.”

  “I don’t want to stay at my house anymore. Not with my brother and everything. What if he decides to come home and harms me and the baby?”

  I close my eyes. Fuck. I never thought of that. It’s not just Amy to consider anymore. It’s our child.

  Our child.

  I’m fucked. Completely and utterly fucked. The only good thing I had apart from my family and love of boxing was Caitlin. She was that one shiny, beautiful cherry to put on top of my perfect cake. And now, just as we were starting to progress, I’m going to lose her.

  For good this time.

  How can I ask her to wait for me until I sort something out? How can I ask her to be there for me still when I got another girl pregnant? How can I ask her to continue to be there for me all throughout Amy’s pregnancy and when she gives birth? And also, how the fuck can I ask her to be a second mother to a baby when she’s not even nineteen yet? Caitlin will never want to be tied down to a man who already has baggage.

  And it would be unfair of me to ask her.