I take in a deep breath before starting the car.
“Where are we going?” Amy asks, putting her seatbelt back on.
“I’m taking you to your house to grab some things, and then I’m taking you back to mine. You can stay in my room and I’ll sleep on the couch. Once I can figure a few things out, I’ll sort out something more permanent.”
“Thank you,” she beams back, leaning in to kiss me on the cheek again.
In this moment, Amy looks happy. So fucking happy. I know that happiness will wear off in time, and the reason why I know is... how on earth can I make her happy, when I’m feeling this fucking miserable?
I got a message from Jeremy during my slumber explaining that something had come up and that he couldn’t collect me. He had ordered an Uber for me, but I had told him I was already home with a migraine. He wanted to know if I was okay. I had said yes. But I wasn’t okay. I was far from okay. How can I be when I find out the person I opened my heart and body to had already let me down?
It’s been two days since and although Jeremy has been messaging me to let me know he will be round to see me as soon as he is able, I’ve been in most part ignoring them.
“That’s it. I’m giving up men altogether,” I decide, placing my phone down on the dining table. Stacey looks up from her coffee cup. “Maybe I should become a lesbian. What do you think?”
She rolls her eyes at me. “You don’t just become a lesbian, Caitlin. Besides, I’ve seen the way you ogle Jez when you think no one’s looking. A lesbian wouldn’t do that.”
“I’ll never look at him like that again, that’s for sure. I can’t believe he slept with me knowing Amy was pregnant with his baby. That’s something that should have been brought up in conversation, but maybe he was only thinking with his dick.”
Stacey places her cup on the table, a worrying crease in her brow. “Listen, we don’t know the true facts just yet. Jeremy’s been missing yet again from class and I know he knows this could mean trouble for him. He’s missed so many lectures already and it’s only been two months.” She looks down at her watch. “We better get going or else we’ll be late.”
Grabbing our things, we head out in my car. When we’re parking up, I immediately spot Jeremy by the entrance to the college. He has a lot of people milling around him, as usual. Right now, that’s good for me. I don’t really want to deal with him. Here is definitely not the place.
However, when we get out of the car, Jeremy spots us too and jumps away from all his friends to run toward us. “Caitlin, can I speak with you?”
Stacey and I continue walking. “I’ll be late for class.”
“After then. I really need to speak with you about something.”
Stacey stops dead in her tracks, making both Jeremy and I do the same. “Don’t you think we already know, Jez? How can you expect to keep something this huge a secret?”
Jeremy visibly frowns. “How can you know? No one knows.”
Stacey looks from Jeremy to me. We both shake our heads and start walking again.
“Caitlin, please. I need to explain.”
Now it’s my turn to stop dead. “Explain what, Jeremy? How you got your girlfriend knocked up and failed to tell me so you could get me into bed? How you got her pregnant the whole time you were also pursuing me? How you told me you wanted nothing to do with her, and yet, she somehow still ends up pregnant? Which one?”
“It wasn’t like that. If you can just give me five minutes to explain to you, then I will.”
I look at my watch. I only have two minutes to spare before I need to get to class. I’m actually glad, because I really don’t want to be anywhere near Jeremy right now. It’s already hurting my heart.
“I’m not missing class for this.” I carry on walking.
“After class then. I won’t leave it like this, Caitlin. We need to talk.”
I stop again and turn, this time with tears in my eyes. Jeremy spots them and winces. I hate that he’s seeing me like this. I hate that I feel weak in front of him. I vowed never to look weak in front of a man ever again. It makes me hate him all the more.
“What can you explain? At the end of the day, you got a girl pregnant. No matter how much you try and spin it so it makes you look better, the evidence is there in black and white. Please, just leave me alone.” He opens his mouth to speak, but I stop him. “Remember you told me I would always feel safe with you? That I could trust you?”
He nods.
“Well, you let me down.”
He doesn’t say anything as he bows his head. He knows he’s done wrong, and that’s what hurts the most.
“Respect my decision to be left alone.”
He keeps his head bowed and slightly nods. I know he’s hurting, I can see it coming from him in waves, but he’s hurt me too. I had one guy in my life who did that in the worst way possible, but even that doesn’t seem to come close to what Jeremy’s done.
When I know I’ve gotten through to him, I leave him standing on his own and go to class. All day I go through the motions, listening and taking in as much as I can. At the end I’m assigned a huge essay to complete within a week. Something right now I’m not looking forward to.
I’m walking toward my car when I spot Jeremy standing in front of it. I hate myself for secretly liking that he waited, but at the same time I’m pissed he never abided by my wishes. I’m about to open my mouth to tell him as much when he places his hand out to stop me.
“I know you don’t want me here and I respect that. I just couldn’t leave things the way they were. I know you’re not looking for an explanation. There is more to the story than you think, but you’re right. I need to take responsibility for my actions now and the last thing you need is the baggage I’m accumulating. I just want you to know that... I love you, Caitlin. I don’t think I’ve ever stopped. I just need you to know this before I walk away.”
I see the sad expression in his eyes; the deep blazing blue I’m used to seeing seems dull and lifeless in comparison. He looks... broken. But then, so am I. And there’s no other way to roll this. Jeremy did this. He did it to us. And now he has to pay the consequences for his actions. However, no amount of shouting and screaming is going to get us anywhere. I need to be the bigger person. I need to move on.
I’m about to tell him to take care of himself when the said cause for all of this mess comes skipping over to Jeremy, a huge smile on her face.
“There you are,” she sings, grabbing his hand. When she clasps it tightly in hers, I see Jeremy stiffen. He’s watching me. Watching when my eyes drift from him to their hands together before meeting his eyes again.
“Hi, Caty.” The sound of her voice makes me to want to crawl into a hole and never surface. I don’t correct her this time. She knows she’s won.
“It’s Caitlin,” Jeremy corrects, gritting his teeth.
“Can we go home now? Our baby’s hungry. Maybe we can order Chinese tonight.”
I watch Jeremy’s expression go from irritated to nuclear. His teeth are not only clenching, his whole body is. His jaw ticks with displeasure and I’m assuming I know why.
They’re living together.
This is way too much. I can’t stand here for another second.
“Goodbye, Jeremy,” I say softly before walking around to the driver’s door of my car, but not before catching the look of horror on his face. He knows this isn’t just a flippant goodbye. This is permanent.
I don’t watch as they walk away and no doubt get into Jeremy’s car. I don’t watch as they drive away to take her home—his home.
As I start my car, I receive a text message. Thinking it’s from Jeremy, I ignore it for now and start making my way home. I get call after call, but I ignore them all for now until I reach my home. I switch off the engine to see who’s been calling when a message from an unknown number makes me frown. I open it and almost drop my phone.
Unknown Number: Miss me? Don’t worry, I’ll be in touch soon, sweetheart. Love J. xx
/>
Nausea instantly erupts in my stomach. I clasp my hand over my mouth to try and not be sick, but the more I read the message over and over again, the more I want to vomit.
I’m about to see who’s calling me when my phone rings again. It’s from home. I answer to my mom’s voice on the line.
“Caitlin, darling. There’s something you need to know. Jack’s been released from prison early on good behavior.” She hears the loud suction of air. “Now, now, dear, don’t worry. Although he’s out he has to wear an ankle monitor for the remainder of his sentence. He’s going to stay with his sister and can only leave the house to visit his probation officer and do selected chores. If he leaves the state, they will know.”
I close my eyes, knowing this means little to Jack. Good behavior. That’s rich. He’s like a chameleon—adapting to his surroundings and behaving in a way he knows will please others. He knew what he was doing with me from the start, carefully orchestrating everything so he would have me in the palm of his hand.
“I can’t believe they let him out.” Suddenly terrified, I glance around my surroundings like he’s going to pop out at me from nowhere.
“We can’t either. Detective Michaels is just as dumbfounded and ruffled as we are. We all know what kind of person he is, but for some reason he has led them to believe he will no longer be a threat to anyone on the outside.”
“I’m worried about you.”
“Dear, you don’t worry about us. We’re fine. The main thing is you’re safe and Jack can’t get to you. I hate you being so many miles away, but as long as I know he is too, then I can sleep safely at night.”
I haven’t told my mom about the dead flower, the break-in, and I’m not going to tell her about this message either. I hope he does stay put and not attempt to leave Nebraska, but something tells me he’ll find a way.
We end the call soon after with promises to keep in touch at least twice a day. I grab my bag and lock up the car before going into my house. I hear a message from my phone again and when I retrieve it from my pocket to read it, all the color drains from my face.
Unknown Number: I guess now you know I’m back at home. I have a couple of things I need to take care of, but I will be coming to see you. And when I do, I’ll make sure it’s a night we’ll both never forget. Take care for now, sweetheart. J. xx
It’s been three weeks since I last saw Caitlin and I’ve been nothing short of miserable. I haven’t secured a place yet, so that means three weeks where Amy’s been sleeping in my bed while I’m on the couch, and Calvin grumbling about girly shit all over the house. I could have easily found somewhere for us, but if I did reality would hit big time that this is truly happening. Amy’s about to have my baby and I have to take care of her. It doesn’t help that she won’t stop plaguing me for sex. She says she’s constantly horny and because she’s already knocked up it means we can have sex as many times without consequence.
I’ve gone from finding her attractive, to mildly putting up with her, to finding her almost repulsive. Yes, I sound like a fucking prick for saying that, but that’s the truth of the matter and I can’t help the way I feel. I’m also sick and tired of her antics. I tried booking her a doctor’s appointment in the last two weeks as no matter what, I want to make sure the baby’s okay. We’ve cancelled three appointments so far because every time it comes up she says she feels too sick and tired. Today, I’ve booked her another appointment, but I haven’t told her. She only knows I’m taking her somewhere in over two hours’ time. She’s now in my bedroom deliriously happy, singing “Woman Like Me” by Little Mix at the top of her lungs.
“I saw Caitlin around Stacey’s the other day.”
I’ve gone from slouched on the couch to upright within a nano second. My full attention is on Calvin now. “And? How did she seem? Is she okay?”
“She’s quiet. Real quiet. Stacey says all she does is go to college, come home, study in her room all day, and then repeat the cycle. At the weekends she doesn’t go out. Stacey says it’s like she’s afraid to. I don’t know what the fuck’s going on there.”
My mind starts to wander, thinking all sorts of things. I haven’t heard from her parents in a while, but that could be because I’ve deactivated Facebook in the last few weeks. I’ve been too depressed to deal with other people’s happy fucking lives. Go post about your “I’m so in love with my boyfriend” crap someplace else. I don’t want to read that fucking shit.
My assholery has definitely reached its summit.
“I’ll have to switch on my Facebook account again and message her parents.”
“Have you told Amy yet about Joe Maddox?”
I shake my head. Since we saw him a few weeks back, he’s watched the tapes, spoken to some people, and wants to put me in touch with a potential manager. They’re interested in me in a professional level. Joe said I could be the next best thing since Mike Tyson. My meeting is scheduled tomorrow. To say I’m not shitting myself is an understatement. I’m nervous about how well it will go. Nervous that if it goes so well that they want to sign me up, how my parents react when I tell them. I haven’t gotten round to telling them about Amy yet. If I drop both bombshells on them, they’ll kill me.
“She’s too invested in the baby right now, but I know I need to tell her. At the end of the day, if I get signed this is a big fucking deal. The baby will be set for life. I will never have to worry about where the finances are coming from. It’s a win-win situation. I’d be a fool to turn it down.”
“You’re worried about your folks, huh?”
“Not so much my dad. I think he will understand. I think Mom will be disappointed, but when I tell her about the baby, I’m sure she’ll understand. She won’t like it, but she’ll understand.”
Calvin lifts his hand and pats my back a couple of times. “I hear ya. You’ve got a responsibility now. You have to think of the future.”
“Exactly. No matter what, I’m not going to let my kid go without. I know my parents won’t either, but it’s not their responsibility. It’s mine. And I take care of what’s mine.”
“I’m ready!” shouts a familiar chirpy voice. I look up. Amy’s standing at the doorway, her blond hair tied up high in a ponytail, her makeup fresh, and jeans so tight I don’t know how she can even move in them.
“Is it safe for you to wear such tight jeans?” I know Amy’s fishing for a compliment, but that’s all I can think about right now.
She rolls her eyes and steps toward me, her arm immediately draping over my shoulder. “I love it when you care about the baby so much. You do realize he or she is only the size of a cherry right now? Wearing these jeans is hardly going to harm it. He or she is safely tucked in here.” Grabbing my hand, she immediately places it on my belly.
“That’s my cue to leave.” Calvin gets up, quickly walking toward his room. “Have a great day.”
Once he’s out of sight, Amy immediately gets up and straddles my lap. She grabs both my hands and places them on her hips.
“Amy,” I groan, trying to get her off me.
“Before you take me off, just listen to me for one second. Please.”
I fix her with my eyes and take a deep breath, trying to make my body relax. Amy senses I’m calm, so she reaches her hands up to cup my face.
“You know you said a couple of weeks back that you would take care of me because to take care of me means taking care of the baby?”
I nod. I did say that to her. Whatever it takes to make sure the baby’s okay.
“Well, the last couple of weeks have been torture, Jez. Do you know how horny women get when they’re pregnant?”
My body instantly tenses. “Amy, please. Not this again.”
She grabs my shoulders, trying to hold me in place. “Just... give me a minute. Okay? Let me talk, hear me out, and if I can’t persuade you, then I’ll drop it. Promise.”
I close my eyes for a moment. “Okay.”
“You haven’t had sex in ages. I know you’ve never gone t
his long. I haven’t either. I know you don’t want us to be a couple, but, at the end of the day, we both have needs. You’re single. I’m single. We’re not tied down to anyone or anything. Why not use each other? You’ve always said you hated condoms, but you always use them. This time, you’re free to fuck me—and I do mean fuck me anytime and any place you want. No boundaries to get in the way. I’m already pregnant with your baby, so why not? Besides, I’m so horny, it’s painful, Jez. I need your cock so much I’m going to explode.”
I’m not attracted to Amy anymore, but all this talk about sex, coupled with the fact I haven’t had any in over three weeks is making my cock twitch. Amy can sense it. She’s right on top of me. I see the ghost of a smile on her face when she realizes. Try as she might to hide it.
When I don’t say anything, she lifts up her T-shirt and her bare breasts are right in front of me. She takes my hand, making me cup one of them. Then she takes the other hand and does the same with her other breast. Her head goes back on a moan and when she thrusts her hips forward on my crouch, I close my eyes. I don’t want to have sex with Amy, but all this talk of fucking with zero consequences has made me so aroused. I keep my eyes closed and feel as Amy dry humps me through my jeans, squeezing her hands on mine to make me touch her breasts. My cock jumps to life when I think of Caitlin. All I can do is picture how she made me feel when we had sex that time. I imagine my cock inside her, thrusting my way into her tight pussy. The way she moans my name when she comes for me.
But then I get angry. I get so fucking angry that if it wasn’t for this situation I’m in now, I would still be making love to her.
And arousal and anger do not mix well.
When I feel her kissing my neck and sliding her crotch along my shaft, I’ve had enough. “Get the fuck off me now and take down your jeans.”
At the mere mention of me telling to her undress, she’s off my lap and immediately complying. I can see the narrowing of her eyes; nothing but lust fills them. Her mouth parting as her breaths come away from her in sharp bursts. Her nipples are erect and waiting for my touch, but I won’t be touching them. This is not for me to devour her like a goddess.
Scozzari: Deviant #3 Page 20
