“This is only a fuck, Amy. And believe me. I will fuck you. Got it?”
She nods in earnest, her tits bobbing as she takes down her jeans. “What about Calvin?”
Right now, I don’t give a shit if the next door neighbor wants to come and take a look. This isn’t about respect for Amy. This is about pure driven lust and anger. I’m not thinking anymore. My cock has taken over.
“I don’t give a fuck about Calvin. Bend over the fucking couch. No kissing. No touching. Just pure fucking. Got it?”
“Yes, yes!” she says, taking her position at the couch. Before bending, she pulls down her panties, showing me just how wet she already is. All I need to do is slide my cock right inside of her, fuck her until I get off, and hopefully then I can start to calm down.
I stand behind her, my hand on my zipper ready to take down my fly. Amy’s already got her hand in between her legs, rubbing her clit and getting herself off. This is something I would normally enjoy, but standing here now watching her makes me feel disgusted. Not at her. At myself. Disgusted that I’ve allowed myself to get so weak that I’m putting my feelings aside for Caitlin just so I can get my rocks off with a woman I have no feelings for.
“Come on, baby. Fuck me. My pussy’s waiting for you. It needs to be fucked raw.” She moans again, her hand reaching up and down faster and harder as she touches herself.
My cock is begging me to let it out, begging me to fist it in my hands before ramming it into her opening. Begging for that euphoria of me plunging my cock inside her over and over again until I explode. But as I stand there with my fingers on my fly ready to take down my jeans, a thought comes to my mind.
I may be able to do this. I’m free to do it. Caitlin and I are no longer together, so I’m free to fuck anyone I please. But at the end of the day, Caitlin may not physically have me, but she has my heart. If she has my heart, then really she does have all of me. In the back of my mind I know that if I do this, the moment I calm down from my orgasm, I’ll regret it.
“I need your cock inside of me. I need you to feel my walls tightening around you as I come on your cock. I can make you feel good, baby. Please, I need you,” she pants, her hand working even faster around her clit. “I promise this is just sex. We’re doing each other a favor. Just sex. Nothing else. Please, I’m waiting for you.”
Again, I’m frozen, watching Amy with a mixture of anger and lust. My mind is raging war inside my head. My heart is saying no, but my head’s telling me to fuck her. If I can fuck Amy a few times, then maybe, just maybe I can get over Caitlin in time.
With Amy moaning and bucking her hips out at me, I take down my fly. Amy watches, sighing out her pleasure as I fist my cock and watch as a bead of pre-cum forms at the tip. I walk closer to her entrance, my cock ready to plunge into her.
I close my eyes, fisting it one more time before making my final decision.
I’m trying so hard to listen attentively as Brett talks about our History class today, but my mind is elsewhere. I had been sitting indoors so much that Stacey either demanded answers, or I needed to start getting a life. I chose to ask Brett out after college. That’s having a life, right?
Since those text messages a few weeks back, I decided to call Detective Michaels and tell him about what I had received. He sounded pissed that Jack had been let out early, but promised to keep an eye on things from his end. He had since called to say he had put a tracer on the phone, but it was a burner, and the last ping was from Lincoln, when reports have shown so far that Jack hasn’t left Omaha. The moment that changes, he will let me know.
I’m unsure as to how he managed to text me from one place when he should have been somewhere else, but I have a feeling he got someone else to do it. There’s no evidence other than the fact he signed off as J, so it’s all circumstantial. I don’t care as long as I don’t get to see him again. That, and he leaves my parents alone. Those are my main concerns.
Still, the texts have been coming in, making it harder and harder to want to leave my home. I hate that I feel trapped again, wondering when he will next emerge. Dealing with that and the heartache of Jeremy has been quite a lot to bear. It doesn’t help that every time I go to college I’m stared at. Everyone knows now. Jeremy and I went from holding hands to practically breaking up within the space of a day, so of course everyone’s talking. It doesn’t help that Amy’s now “let it slip” to some friends that she’s pregnant with his child. That’s now spread like wildfire—hence the only reason why Brett agreed to go out with me today.
“Caitlin, are you okay?”
My head snaps to Brett. Shit, what did he say before that? “I’m sorry, Brett. My mind is elsewhere.”
“I can tell. Want to talk about it?”
“I’d rather not, if that’s okay? I know I’ve been shit company, so I apologize.”
Brett holds his hand up and smiles. “Don’t need to explain. Do you want pie? My grandmother always says that things look better when you eat pie. I’m not sure if that’s true, but you can always give it a try.”
I laugh at the sentiment. “I like your grandmother already.”
He’s about to respond when I sense a huge presence hovering over our table. Brett and I both look up at the same time to find who the monster is. I already know before I see those piercing blue eyes. The ones currently throwing daggers in Brett’s direction.
But, despite the tiredness in his eyes and the aura of a huge weight on his shoulders, he still manages to look good—like, take your breath away good. He has a long-sleeved gray top on today hiding those impressive tattoos. The only hint of them is peeking out around the wrists. The top is loose, but not loose enough to hide what I know is a rocking body underneath. I miss trailing my fingers along his torso, miss kissing the sweet taste of his mouth, miss... everything.
And now I hate him for it.
“What are you doing here?” I ask, my tone annoyed. He can’t just turn up randomly like this when I’m out and expect to interrupt me when I’m with someone. How dare he?
“I need to talk to you about something.” He turns to Brett. “Can you give me five minutes?”
“Yeah, sure.” Brett goes to get up, but I wave at him to sit down.
“Sit down, Brett. You’re not going anywhere. Jeremy wasn’t invited. It’s him who should be leaving.”
I see the hurt in Jeremy’s eyes when I say it, but he has to know he can’t throw his weight around like this without consequence. We’re not together. Fact. He got another girl pregnant. Fact.
I watch as he sucks in a breath, his teeth grinding together before he speaks. “Okay, you really want me to say it in front of Brett? You really want me to discuss your parents and all the shit that’s been going on lately in front of him, huh?”
My heart starts to drum in my chest. I’m angry that he’s delving into my business when he has no right to, but another part of me knows that no matter where his life is heading, he will always try to be there to protect me. It makes my heart hurt even more.
Sheepishly, I glance over at Brett, who doesn’t seem to know where to put himself. I feel bad that I’m doing this to him, but Jeremy’s right. This isn’t something I want to discuss in front of him.
“I’m sorry to do this to you, Brett, but would you mind if you did give us five minutes?”
He shakes head, smiling. “Not at all. I need to call my mom anyway. I’ll be outside.”
I watch as he gets up and walks out of the diner. Immediately, Jeremy takes his place.
“Mommy’s boy,” he mutters under his breath.
“Hey, don’t you dare criticize him. He’s done nothing to you.”
“Except trying to steal you away from me.”
I close my eyes, trying to rein in my anger. “There is nothing to steal, Jeremy. You made your bed and now you must lie in it. You have no right to come here and dictate what I do with my life.”
“But him, Caitlin? You can do so much better than that...”
“What
? You mean someone like you who pursues one girl while getting another one pregnant.”
He winces. “I deserve that. I know I do. I still can’t help the way I feel and I still can’t help but care. And that’s the real reason why I’m here. Brett aside, I’m worried about you. Your mom told me Jack was out. Why didn’t you tell me?”
“Because it’s not your burden to bear.”
His jaw clenches before he rubs a hand over his face. He looks so beaten up. It makes me wonder if he’s slept at all.
“I fucking hate this,” he finally says, closing his eyes. When he opens them again, I see it. The want, the fear, the anxiety, the loss. All rolled into one monstrous package of pain.
“I can’t stand that you’re going through all this and I can’t be there to protect you.”
No matter how angry I am at him, I can’t help but soften a little at his admission. Despite my better judgement, I lean forward and grab his hand in mine. His touch is soft as he encases his big hand, carefully wrapping it around my own. Right there, in that moment, is the safest I have felt in weeks.
But, alas, we both know this is a temporary lapse in judgement. We both know that after this encounter, he will go his way and I will go mine.
“I love the fact you want to protect me. I love the fact you want to be with me. I’m sitting here not as your ex-lover or ex-whatever, but as your friend. We were friends once, and that above all else will remain. However...”
He squeezes my hand in his. “I hate however. Can we just leave that however to the side for now and just let me hold your hand?”
With tears in my eyes, I bring my other hand, wrapping it around his. He does the same, leaning his forehead against them. He tenderly kisses one of my hands and in a moment of weakness, I close my eyes.
“It hurts to be with you because I know we were so much more.” He grips my hands tighter as if he’ll lose them if he lets go. “It hurts to think that when I was with you, you were then going off and being with someone else. I know you said you don’t have feelings for her in that way, but there were feelings enough for you to want to sleep with her. I feel blessed that you care so much for my well-being, Jeremy, but you have more important things to think about now.” I swallow a lump in my throat before I say my next sentence. “You have more important people to think about. As long as Jack’s ankle monitor keeps placing him in Omaha, I’ll be fine. Please, just let me deal with my life the way I see fit. Don’t worry about me, worry about your unborn child. He or she needs you a lot more than I do.”
He grips my hands one more time before he glances up. When I see his eyes glistening with unshed tears, it breaks my heart in two. He sniffles before resignedly nodding.
“I fucking hate the position I’ve put us in. I hate myself for not being the man you deserve. I hate that because I fucked up we can’t be together. I’m so fucking sorry, Caitlin.”
A single tear drops down my face as I nod. In my heart, I’ve forgiven him. I don’t feel the hate and resentment I did just a few minutes ago. Now, I’m oddly at peace for letting go. The situation is how it is and I have to accept the fact it cannot be changed. It’s time to move on.
And Jeremy knows it.
“If you need me, please...”
“I know. I promise I’ll call if that ever happens, but I hope I never will.”
Jeremy understands. I’m not being rude. It’s just the way things are.
He gets up then and rounds the table to my side. He leans over, kisses the top of my head, and inhales as he lingers. “Take care of yourself, Caitlin. I love you, baby.”
He quickly walks off, not looking back. I’m a jumbled mess by the time Brett returns to our table. He takes one look at me, his face softening before he raises his hand up.
“Miss, can we have some pie over here.”
I laugh through my tears, causing Brett to laugh with me. “Thank you.”
“You’re welcome. It’s none of my business what’s going on, but I know you’re hurting, and I don’t like seeing people hurt.”
I smile as the waitress comes over to take our order of pie. We stay for another half hour before we part ways at the diner. I don’t find Brett attractive in any way, but I definitely like him as a friend. I think he realizes this now. Whether we will continue as friends remains to be seen, but I certainly hope we do.
As I drive in the direction of home, I’m oddly numb by the events of today. I’m not sad like I was earlier, but I’m not exactly happy either. I’m lost in my own world as I drive in and switch off the engine. So lost in my own thoughts that I fail to realize someone is right behind me as I step out of my car. However, I’m no longer numb when I hear the sound of a male voice calling my name. Instead, I freeze, all color draining from my face when I turn round and see who it is.
I’m a complete fuckup. There’s no other way to describe me. I knew having revenge sex with Amy would completely throw my life in turmoil. I knew following that route would send me down a dark path. I also knew that once I did it, I would continue to do it, because hey, this is my fucking life now, so why not have sex in the process. I needed some enjoyment out of this shitty mess I’m in.
Just an hour ago, I had my dick in my hands ready to plunge it into Amy’s pussy when this sudden question popped up in my mind.
What would Caitlin think of me if she could see me now?
It was then everything became clearer. My anger and lust paved way for rational thinking. I started to wonder about her, worry for her. I knew I had to find out what was happening and I had let Amy—once again—manipulate the situation. She knows I’m highly sexed—knows by now what buttons to press. I just didn’t see it until that moment of clarity.
I put my dick back in my jeans, told Amy to get dressed, and then disappeared into the bathroom. I was still rock-hard when I got my phone out of my pocket and re-activated my Facebook account. However, I wasn’t hard for long once I saw I had a message from Cathy. It was sent days ago and I hadn’t fucking read it. I have been so wound up in my own shit that I failed to see what was going on around me.
No more.
Cathy Summers: Hi, Jeremy, I hope everything is good your end. I suppose you know by now that Jack’s been let out early on good behavior. We were always skeptical about letting her go to college all those miles away from us, but now I’m glad—especially as she has you. I know you will be there for her, but I just want to ask it regardless. She needs a friend right now and I know you’re the best man for the job. Take care. xx
I’m a fucking asshole.
Without so much as a goodbye, I grabbed my keys—not caring we may be late for Amy’s appointment, and took to the road to find Caitlin. I had grumbled that I would be back as soon as possible and that I was taking her to the doctor come what may. I didn’t stay long enough to hear Amy’s response. My levels of asshole are growing exponentially with each passing day. Why anyone puts up with me at this point is anyone’s guess.
I went straight to Caitlin’s only to find out that she wasn’t in. Stacey delighted in telling me that she was on a date with that fucker Brett again. I got angry and then I got angry at myself for getting angry. I had no right. I was jealous to a point that I didn’t care that I didn’t know where she was, I was going to find her. That’s what drove me. Jealously and a need for answers. Jealously and this undying need to make sure she’s okay. To make sure she’s safe. I don't care that I have no business meddling in her affairs, and I don’t care if she tells me over and over again that I have no right. I still care. I can’t stop that no matter what. It’s just in my nature.
Now, I’m sitting in my car outside my house with the engine still running. My phone has been ringing nonstop, but up until now, I have been ignoring all the calls. I’m about to switch off the engine and start tending to my responsibilities when my phone rings again. I look down to see that Amy’s calling me. I answer hello on a sigh and the first thing I hear is her sobbing.
“Amy, what’s wrong?”
/> “Where have you been? I’ve... been... trying... to... call you,” she responds, through her sobs.
“Are you at home?” It’s only then I look over and realize her car’s nowhere to be seen.
“I’m at the hospital, Jez. I lost the baby. I’m so scared. I need you.”
Closing my eyes, I feel like the worst scum of the universe. Here I am just back from chasing another girl when Amy’s been suffering.
“Are you sure you lost the baby?”
Another sob wracks from her and feel like shit that I’m not there for her right now when she needs me.
“After you left, I started bleeding. I tried to call you, but there was no answer. I took myself to the doctor and he confirmed it ten minutes ago. My car’s parked in the lot, but I can’t drive right now. I’m shaking too much. Can you come get me?”
Gripping the steering wheel, I then put the car in Drive and speed away from the kerb. “Hang in there, Amy. I’m on my way.”
I’m not sure how long I stood there frozen for. At first, I didn’t recognize him. I was thinking maybe it was one of Jack’s friends to come and taunt me, but then recognition set in.
“Caitlin, isn’t it?”
All my muscles tense as I glance from him to my front door. I wonder for a moment if I can make it there in time before he reaches me. As if reading my mind, he steps forward, placing his hands out in front of him. I immediately flinch, so he backs off.
“I take it you recognize me, but please, hear me out. You need to hear this. Well, Jez needs to hear this...”
“So, why not go to him?”
His eyes widen at the thought. “Did you see what he did to me? He put me in hospital. I nearly died!” Barry’s tone instantly sets me on edge. When I jump, he notices and takes in a deep breath. “Look, I know what you think of me, but please, hear me out. I’ll stay right here, I promise. I just want you to listen to me. Just give me five minutes, please.”
Scozzari: Deviant #3 Page 21
