Syn: Sex Is Syn, Love Is Pain

by J Peach

  “Cool it with the threats and that bitch word, it was an accident,” I tried to reason with him.

  “I don’t give a fuck,” he yelled at me.

  I had never seen Parker lose his cool, he was always so calm and collective when we were back at the club. At that moment, though, he was anything but that.

  “Can you calm down for a sec? It ain’t even that serious. If Peaches really wanted to shoot you, she would’ve. This was an accident on her part. But you can’t come out of the blue grabbing and snatching on me when you ain’t supposed to know me. Parker, they don’t know we know each other, so talking to me the way you did and pulling on me ain’t gon’ fly with them. We look out for each other so they reacted normally. Calm down—”

  “Syn, shut the fuck up before I beat yo ass for that stupid bitch doing that shit,” Parker snapped.

  I looked at him like he had lost his mind. “Nigga, you ain’t gon’ do a mothafuckin’ thing to me without catching one. I don’t know who the fuck you think you are, talking to me like you fuckin’ stupid. I’m not none of these little bitches you fucks with so don’t come at me like I am. It was a fuckin’ accident, get over it because yo ass ain’t gon’ do shit to her,” I had to let him know.

  “Yo damn huffing and puffing ain’t scaring no fuckin’ body, it’s only making you look dumb,” I went in on him. “Steady going on when it’s over, damn! If you gon’ flip like this then I’d prefer you take yo ass over there and let them know who the fuck I am because this ain’t gon’ work. I’m not about to be dealing with no bipolar ass nigga. Standing here looking like the fuckin’ hulk on steroids, big ass ain’t scaring no fuckin’ body. You done came across the wrong bitches because all that,” my hand gestured towards his bulging muscles, “ain’t scaring me.”

  I couldn’t lie, the way his muscles flexed, looking as if they were about ready to burst from his shirt was intimidating as hell. But I wasn’t going to let him know that.

  My damn, he was sexy as fuck standing there pissed, looking like a damn wild beast ready to tear some shit up. The deep, angry, red cut above his right eye and on his left cheek had him looking so damn sexy.

  “Are you cool now?” I asked him, the mug still covering his face.

  “Hell n’all I ain’t cool, that mothafucka shot at me. How the fuck you want me to be cool with that?”

  Smacking my lips, my eyes rolled up in my head. “Yo ass,” I mumbled to myself.

  A loud squeak suddenly left my mouth as Parker’s thick hand grabbed a hand full of my short black hair. I swear my feet left the ground as he jerked me to him.

  “Yo ass ain’t gon’ keep talkin’ to me like you fuckin’ stupid. I ain’t these niggas you use to fuckin’ with. Yah hear me?” He asked angrily.

  I wasn't fazed by his angry face or his words, it only made my insides tighten. My tongue flicked over his bottom and then top lip.

  “Daddy, you know I like that rough shit. This right here ain’t doing nothing but turning me on,” I bit into his lower lip.

  Parker’s head reared back, the angry red mark above his eye moving up as he stared down at me. My arms crossed at the back of his neck as I pulled myself up on him, wrapping my legs around his waist and locking them at the ankles.

  “Let my hair go. I already don’t have none as it is, you gon’ pull the little shit I do have out.”

  His lips twitched a little before he let out a laugh. “Yo little black ass gon’ be trouble, I can see that now.”

  “You wanna get out of here? We can sneak off,” I smiled.

  Licking his lips, Parker’s tongue rubbed against mine. “N’all, I ain’t here on no fuck shit. When I’m done doing this business, I’ll call you.” Kissing me, Parker placed me back on my feet. “I’ll get up with you later, tho, i’ight?” With that, Parker walked off, leaving me there slightly confused. Now if that was Leon, we would’ve been off somewhere.

  Parker was confusing.

  I watched as he walked over to Blaze. He whispered something to him which had Blaze getting up and both of them walking off to the parking lot.

  “Forget you, too, then,” I mumbled to myself.

  I then reached in my bra and took out the baggy with the pills in it. I quickly popped them all in my mouth and swallowed them dry as I walked over to the table with the liquor and made myself a drink. Once I had my Ciroc and pineapple juice, I went to the dance floor and began to gyrate on random dudes as I slowly started to lose myself and everything around me became one big blur.

  Chapter 11

  Two Weeks Later

  Angel

  With my criminal procedures book in front of me, my eyes slid from the page I was reading to my phone as I tried to call Martell for the fourth time that day. But just like every time before that, I got his voicemail.

  “Damn, I would think this nigga would jump to answer the phone when I call,” I stressed to myself.

  Thanks to Blaze, I had all of Martell’s money plus some. Now all I wanted to do was pay the nigga off and be done with him, but it seemed like he didn’t want his paper.

  Sighing, I ended the call and dialed his homeboy Mook. He didn’t answer the first time, so I hung up and dialed him back.

  After the fourth ring, he answered. “Yeah, who this?”

  “Hey, Mook, this Angel.” I paused after my introduction to see if he remembered who I was. It had been a long time since I called his phone.

  “Angel? Angel?” He repeated as someone in his background mumbled to him. “Martell’s girl?”

  My eyes rolled up in my head at that, I was not his damn girl. Even though I thought that, I didn’t voice it out loud. “Yeah, Martell’s girl.”

  “Oh, what’s up, ma?”

  “Where yo boy at? I’ve been trying to get a hold of Martell for the past couple of weeks but ain’t heard nothing back,” I put the phone on speaker as I stretched out more on the sofa.

  “Oh, shid, Lexi got his ass hit with a domestic. When the laws got him he had some work on him so Martell gon’ be sitting in county for a minute. Shid, they bullshitting him around. They ass ain’t even trying to set him up a court date,” Mook replied.

  My head shook. “Damn, that’s fuck’d up.” I thought out loud. Lexi was Martell’s main lady, had been for the past ten years. I didn’t understand why she continued to deal with his lying, cheating, abusive ass. To hear that Lexi had called the police on Martell wasn’t a surprise, though. That was an every other week or month thing for them. Regardless of all the fighting, cheating, and abuse, neither one of them was going anywhere apparently. And that was something I just didn’t understand.

  “Yeah. Shid, his lawyer trying to get him a hearing, but like I said, they bullshitting him around.”

  “Alright. Well when you talk to Martell, tell him I called and he has my number if he needs something.”

  “That’s what’s up. Good looking out, baby girl,” Mook ended the call with that.

  “They asses crazy,” I mumbled to myself as I turned my focus back to my book and began to glance over the pages once again.

  “Angel! Open this gotdamn door and give me my shit!” Kelley’s loud, demanding voice echoed from the other side of the door.

  Once again, I looked away from my book to the front door. “This bitch done lost her mind,” I thought out loud. I didn’t move from my position as I continued to glance at the door. It had been two weeks since I took Kelley’s shit and gave it to Blaze. I knew damn well her ass hadn’t been off her rock for that long. Then again, I wouldn’t have put it past her to get high off somebody else’s shit before going to her stash.

  “Bitch, open this gotdamn door!” She screamed louder. “Angel!” Kelley hollered desperately.

  My eyes slid to the backpack with Martell’s money in it. I quickly jumped off the couch and grabbed it as well as the extra money Blaze had given me. I stuffed it into the book bag and snatched my keys off the table. I was not about to make the same mistake again and forget to put this money in t
he bank.

  “Angel!” Kelley continued to holler from outside.

  I set my newly installed alarm and then opened the front door. “Get yo ass away from my house before I beat the shit out of you again.” I pushed her back and locked the top and bottom lock of my door before I shut my screen door, locking it as well. Kelley was not about to get into my shit again.

  “Angel, give me my shit. How the fuck you gon’ come in my shit and take my stuff?” She shoved me in my back.

  I stopped walking and looked at her like she had lost her mind. “How can I? Bitch, the same way your ass did! Now get the fuck away from here.” I turned and continued on to my car.

  Just from looking at her, I could tell she wasn’t high. This was the first time in a long while that I’d seen her sober and it surprised me. As I was watching her, Kelly grabbed my arm and stopped me, her eyes pleading. I jerked away from her.

  “You right, baby girl, I’m sorry. I had no right.”

  I glanced down at Kelley’s five foot frame and just shook my head at her. Pathetic, I thought to myself. No matter how hard I tried, I just couldn’t find any sympathy for her. Not after how she had done me countless times when I was younger. All I saw when I looked at her was a fiend, a weak-minded fiend. She didn’t even have the strength to want to get better. Then again, even if she did, I still wouldn’t have been able to see her as anything other than a fiend.

  “I don’t have your stuff, I threw it away. Kelley, leave me the hell alone and don’t come back here. I don’t have shit for you and even if I did, I wouldn’t give you shit. Why don’t you do us both a favor and overdose? I promise I’ll find you a nice box—”

  Her hand shot out and she slapped the hell out of me. Hurt filled her eyes as she stared at me. “Don’t you ever talk to me like that? Bitch, I am still yo momma.”

  I wasn’t even messed up about her hit. The hurt that showed in her eyes was good enough for me. “A junky, fiend, crackhead, prostitute, whore or slut. Any one of those you may call yourself, but a momma you are not. Just because you gave birth to me doesn’t make you a mother. Look up that word before you decide to use it toward me. Now do us both that favor and overdose.”

  I jerked opened my car door and slid in, starting it up. Not once did I give her another glance as I pulled out of my parking spot and began driving to the bank.

  ***

  “Hey, momma. Can I come over and talk to you for a sec?” I sat outside the red brick house looking at the front door.

  “Sure, you already know you’re always welcome. Where you at?” She asked.

  I felt kind of embarrassed to admit it. “Outside your house.”

  The line fell quiet for a second before I saw the living room curtains move and then her face. “Girl, why the hell you sitting yo ass out there? See, you being real dumb right now. Get yo ass in this damn house,” she hung up on me. A laugh left my mouth as I got out of the car and made my way to the front door. “Now, why the hell yo dumbass sitting outside in the car for?” Bianca fussed before she gave me a hug.

  I shrugged into the hug. “I don’t know. I was still debating if I should come in here or not,” I told her honestly.

  “I don’t know why I’m not used to yo crazy ass doing that stupid shit by now. You hungry? I got breakfast from this morning left?” She led me into the living room.

  “N’all, I’m good,” I sat on the loveseat.

  Bianca sat beside me. “What’s up? I know you well enough to know when something’s wrong. Come on, tell me what’s up.”

  Ever since Peaches introduced me to Bianca, I was immediately drawn to her. Bianca’s motherly characteristics were what I had been longing for. It was something I never had and something I never thought I would get. I’d given up on my momma a long time ago. In fact, I never even looked for her to be a parent to me. She had always and forever would be Kelley the junkie to me.

  For the past year, though, Bianca had been every bit of a mother to me, more than Kelley had ever been. And the fact she was not judgmental about anything and that she kept it straight up with me was something that I loved.

  Once I was comfortable, I pulled off my shoes and folded my right leg underneath me. “Kelley came to see me today,” I started saying.

  Bianca sat up straight and looked at me. “And what happened?”

  I took a deep breath and told her everything that had happened in the past two weeks. From Kelley breaking into my house up to the foul shit I spat at her earlier that day, I told it all.

  “Angel, you did not tell her to kill herself,” Bianca stared at me with disbelief in her eyes.

  “Yeah, I did and I meant every word I said,” my eyes rolled hard into my head.

  “Sweetheart, that anger you feel toward your mother, you have to let it go. Otherwise you’re going to always be this angry, bitter person. Besides, you gave up on her, remember?” She asked.

  Again my eyes rolled. “I did.”

  “Shut yo dumbass up. You sound stupid as hell right now,” she snapped at me. I looked at her with raised eyebrows because of the way she was speaking to me. “Do you hear yourself? You gave up, yet whenever she pops up you get into a funk and wanna fuss about how you gave up. Your mother is an addict. That disease has full control over her and she’s not responsible for what she may do.” Bianca shook her head as she grabbed my hand.

  “Baby, it’s always easy to blame the person instead of the disease. Believe me, I know how you feel. I’ve been with an addict before and everything you are feeling, I felt about him. But you know what I did?” When I didn’t respond she continued. “I let go. I knew I couldn’t help him because he didn’t want it. So I moved on and made sure like hell that he couldn’t get back to me,” the look on her face was a serious one.

  “Angel, either you accept who your mother is and try to help her, which isn’t going to be easy, or you really let go. Move on with your life. Whichever you choose to do I’ll support you one hundred percent. It’s no right or wrong answer and either one you choose is understandable. Now, what do you want to do?”

  A heavy sigh left my mouth as I processed everything she’d just said. I thought about it for a little bit and realized that she was right. If I let it go then it shouldn’t piss me off every time she popped up into my life. I needed to let her go fully so that the hatred that burned inside of me toward her would leave as well. Because with the way I had been feeling toward her lately, I feared I was going to kill her.

  “I wanna let her go. I need to, Bianca.”

  “Then that’s what you’ll do and I’ll help you. First, you need to make it hard for her to reach you. Meaning, you have to move, otherwise she’s going to keep popping up in your life and you don’t need that.” She grabbed my hand and gave it a slight squeeze. “Are you sure this is what you want to do?”

  My head nodded. “I’m positive this is what I want and need to do. If moving is going to help then I’m willing to do that.” Hell, where I lived wasn’t the best neighborhood anyway. There was always something happening whether it was constant break-ins or killings. It was about time I left that area.

  “Okay, you need to start looking at apartments or houses. Like I said, I’ll help you. Matter of fact, I’ll talk to Boon later on about apartments. Now that we have that settled, how’s school going?”

  “Stressful as ever, but I’m excited about it. I have another year before I can apply for a job. I’ve been trying to find another assistant job for a law firm, but I’ve been thinking about applying for the Special Victims Unit. Given everything I’ve been through growing up, I would love to help kids growing in the same abusive situation I grew up in, you know?” That was something I’d always wanted to do, stripping was only a temporary thing.

  “That’s amazing. I don’t see why you can’t do it. Shid, I say go for it,” Bianca let out a sigh before her look became serious.

  I knew it was something. “What I do?”

  “If you want to take this serious, those pills yo
u’re taking, you need to stop. Baby, that’s not healthy at all. The last time you came by here, you were high.” Her head shook. “I don’t want to see you like that, Angel. Taking those pills is another way you try to erase your mother. Have you ever noticed that whenever she does something to you the first thing you do is pop a pill?” The expression on her face told me that she had been paying close attention.

  “You can deny it if you want,” she continued, “but I’m not stupid. For the year I’ve known you, I picked up on that cycle of yours. I feel that once you let your mother go, you won’t have a problem letting that substance go. It’s no point in saying nothing back. I’m not judging you, but I care and I don’t want to see you falling off because of that. You have done amazing with taking care of yourself when you had no one else to do so, don’t let that one little thing be your downfall. Okay? Just let that go. That’s what I really want you to do.” Her voice was almost pleading.

  I didn’t say anything back because I didn’t feel like I had a problem, but the fact that she was calling me on it had a part of me feeling bad. As of late, both Leon and Parker had said something about me popping pills as well. If that many people noticed it…

  “I hear you. And you’re right, doing them makes every pain I have go away for a moment,” When I was high, I could forget all the bullshit that has happened to me. It’s not on constant repeat in my head. And I didn’t feel empty, that void inside of me would sometimes leave when I was high.

  “That’s just like a fiend. One hit makes whatever inner battle they have go away for a moment. Until it becomes too much and they need another. Don’t say nothing back, just think about what I just said,” Bianca patted my leg and stood up. “You want something to drink?”

  My head nodded in reply as my mind considered what she’d just told me. That’s why I was so drawn to Bianca, she always kept stuff real with me regardless of how I may have felt. And she was always right.