Her First Love

by Lorana Hoopes

  Chance leaned back in his chair. “Wow, you’ve already had the kids talk. How serious is this?”

  Israel bit the inside of his lip. He’d probably already said too much, especially since he had no idea where Tiffany stood on their future yet. They hadn’t officially said they loved each other, though it had almost slipped out of Israel’s mouth more than once. “I’m not sure yet, but I could see it getting there quickly.”

  “Right on, man. I’m so happy for you.” Chance’s smile was wide and genuine, and Israel warmed, knowing that Chance was a man of his words and meant what he said. With a glance at his watch, Chance pushed back and stood. “I’d love to chat more, but I have a meeting in ten minutes and my office manager gets testy if I’m late.”

  “Your office manager? Or your wife?” Israel asked with a laugh, following suit.

  “She’s just my manager here, though I have to tell you that working with your wife has its perks,” Chance said with a wink. “But hey, maybe you’ll find that out for yourself soon.”

  Israel shook his head and followed his friend to the entrance. As the childcare room was on his way to his office, Israel decided to stop in and ask Tiffany to the bash before he lost his nerve. Though they’d been dating for the last month, her behavior over the weekend had stirred up a feeling of insecurity that sent his heart thumping in his chest.

  The top half of the childroom door was open when he arrived, allowing him to locate Tiffany in one corner cleaning up toys while another staff member read a story to the kids in the opposite corner. He knocked lightly on the frame, not wanting to just barge in but hoping to get Tiffany’s attention without interrupting the kids.

  She looked up, and he saw the recognition in her eyes, but there was no smile today. In fact, her whole countenance looked sad as she held up a finger to let him know it would be a minute and then finished her task. He stepped to the side of the door, out of the view of the kids inside and waited, wondering what had happened to wipe the smile from her face that generally resided there.

  “Hey, Israel, what can I do for you?” Even her voice was soft and slightly forlorn as she posed the question upon reaching him.

  “Are you okay? You seem like something’s wrong.”

  She bit the bottom of her lip, something he’d never seen her do, and sighed. “It’s just been a long weekend of thinking and little sleep.”

  “Oh.” He wanted to ask if there was more he could do for her, but there was an air about her that said she just wanted to get back to work. “Well, I won’t keep you, but I stopped by to see if you would accompany me to the bash Friday night?”

  He’d dropped his eyes to the floor as he posed the question, his nerves taking over, but he lifted them to her face when he finished, hoping to see her familiar smile, the light in her eyes, something positive. Instead, though he wouldn’t have thought it possible, she looked even sadder than before. He could swear tears glistened in her eyes.

  “Um, I wish I could say yes, Israel, but I can’t. In fact, I don’t think we should see each other any longer.” She bit down on her lip again, causing it to turn red and leading Israel to wonder if she’d bit it hard enough to make it bleed.

  “What? Why? Does this have anything to do with Friday night?” Israel had thought they’d cleared everything up with their texts. He’d expected there might be a little unease between them, but he certainly hadn’t expected this.

  “It’s just not a good time in my life right now. I’m sorry.” Before Israel could say anything further, she turned and disappeared into the childcare room again. He stood outside, blinking for a moment as he wondered what had just happened.

  With a heavy heart and a mind fuzzy with confusion, Israel headed back to the maintenance office to throw himself back into work. Head down and eyes on the floor, he did not notice the woman coming his direction until he collided with her.

  “I’m so sorry,” he said, his words fading as he lifted his eyes to find himself staring at Sofia. Of all the luck.

  “No, I’m sorry. I should have been paying closer attention.” Her eyes raked over his face and then her hand was on his arm. “Are you okay, Israel?”

  He wasn’t, but did he really want to share that with Sofia?

  “Come on. I know you already had a coffee, but you look like you could use another and a friend right now. Let me do that for you.”

  He thought about saying no. After all, he still suspected Sofia had feelings for him, but the look on her face right now seemed sincere, and maybe talking would help. He shrugged. “Okay, sure.”

  14

  Tiffany

  Tiffany pushed the food around on her plate. It had been four days since she’d broken up with Israel, and the misery she felt didn’t seem to be lessening. She’d thought when she broke up with him that at least she would feel relief. Relief that she wasn’t ruining his life or his chance at the family he wanted, but all she felt was sadness and guilt.

  “Okay, what is going on with you?” Holly asked, setting her fork down and folding her hands under her chin.

  Holly had been working late the last few nights so they’d hadn’t had much time to talk, but she’d convinced Tiffany to have dinner with her at the restaurant tonight. Tiffany hadn’t really wanted to, preferring the misery of her lonely room and bland food, but Holly had insisted. “I broke up with Israel.”

  “You did what?” Holly’s face was a portrait of incredulity - eyes wide, mouth open, shocked expression.

  “I broke up with him.” Tiffany hoped the more she said the words, the easier they would become, but so far that wasn’t the case. Inside, she was just as shocked at herself as Holly was. Why was she throwing away a good thing just because of a diagnosis? She twirled a noodle with her fork, keeping her eyes locked on her plate. Normally, everything Holly brought out was amazing, but she’d barely tasted anything the last few bites. In fact, she’d tasted so little, she had no idea what she was even eating.

  “But why? I thought you were okay Friday after we talked.” Holly grabbed her glass and took a sip of her water.

  Tiffany swallowed the lump that was building in her throat. “We were, but I took your advice and went to the doctor on Saturday.” She glanced up at Holly.

  “Okay, so what?”

  Tiffany chewed on the inside of her lip. Could she say the words out loud? They would certainly feel more final if she did, but who was she kidding? They were final. “She said I have endometriosis and a bad enough case that I may never have children.”

  Holly’s face folded in compassion. “Oh, Tiffany, I’m so sorry, but that’s not why you broke up with him, is it?”

  “Of course it is.” Tiffany grabbed her own water glass, but instead of drinking it, she turned it in circles on the table. How could Holly not understand this?

  “But why?” Holly pressed.

  “Because I’m broken. I can’t have kids, Holly. I can’t have a family.”

  Holly reached across the table and grabbed Tiffany’s hand. “Now, you listen to me.” Her voice had taken on an authoritative tone, the kind Tiffany was sure her employees had heard, but one she never had. “You are not broken just because you may not be able to have kids. It doesn’t make you any less of a woman, and it doesn’t mean you can’t have a family.”

  Tears pressed against Tiffany’s eyes. “But he wants a big family, and I can’t give him one. He’d never be happy.”

  Holly shook her head, but her tone was softer when she spoke again. “Have you asked him?”

  Tiffany squirmed and shifted her gaze to her lap. “Well, no, but we talked about kids before, and I know he wants a houseful.”

  Holly sighed. “Okay, but did he ever say the only way to do that was through natural childbirth? Or is it possible that he might be okay with filling that house through an alternative way? There are other ways to have a big family, you know.” She began to check them off on her fingers. “There’s adoption, there’s fostering, there’s fertility treatments. If he loves yo
u like I think he does, then where that family comes from is less important than who he creates it with.”

  Could Holly be right? Tiffany had been so sore with emotion and upset that her dreams could never come true that she’d naturally concluded no one else would want her, but could she be wrong? Israel had never said he would only want a large family naturally, and she did know other people who found joy in adoption.

  She lifted her glass for a sip and sighed. “Maybe you’re right, but it doesn’t matter now. I turned down his invitation to the dance and said we shouldn’t see each other again. I’ve been avoiding him for the last four days. If I try to go back now, he’ll just think I’m crazy.”

  “Well, you were a little crazy, but it’s understandable,” Holly said with a kind smile. “Look, your world was thrown upside down. It’s hard knowing it won’t turn out exactly the way you planned, but Israel seems like a kind and understanding man. I’m sure if you explain the situation, he’ll be open to trying again. If not, you can always claim hormones made you do it. That’s worked for decades.”

  “Stop.” Tiffany rolled her eyes. “I’m not going to lie to him, but I will consider talking to him and explaining.”

  “You should.” Holly took a bite of her food, pausing long enough to chew and swallow before pointing her fork at Tiffany and continuing, “Girl, he’s the best thing that’s happened to you in ages. You’ve been nothing but smiles the last few weeks. Don’t let this news ruin that. Let him show you he’ll be beside you through the good and the bad.”

  Tiffany thought about that as she chewed on her own forkful of food. Maybe Holly was right. She certainly had felt happier in the last few weeks, and she knew Israel was a big part of that. Plus, she hadn’t given him the chance to decide for himself. Maybe he would be okay with cutting his losses and running, but maybe, just maybe, he’d be okay with adoption or fostering as an option. “Okay, I’ll talk to him first thing in the morning.”

  “I’m not sure I’d wait that long, but you do you,” Holly said with a small smile.

  Tiffany shook her head. It was already evening. Israel was off work and at home. What could possibly go wrong before she had a chance to talk to him in the morning?

  15

  Israel

  Though he tried to keep a smile on his face, every day since Tiffany had broken up with him felt like the longest day of his life. He missed greeting her in the morning, he missed having lunch with her, but mostly he missed their evening devotionals. He’d tried to continue them on his own, but every time he sat down to read, tears would blur his vision, and he’d have to settle for praying to God and hoping He would forgive the lapse in reading His word.

  He didn’t see Tiffany during the days at work, but that didn’t keep him from thinking about her, and weirdly, though he never would have thought it possible, his daily chats with Sofia felt like the only thing getting him through.

  Since Monday when she’d bumped into him in the hall, she’d stopped by for a few minutes on her way to work just to check in on him. Though most of the time, it was a simple “how’s it going today?”, a few times it had turned into a longer conversation, making him realize that Sofia wasn’t just the “tag chaser” he’d assumed she was originally. She was no Tiffany, but she was capable of offering a listening ear and sympathy. She’d even started dressing more modestly as well.

  She stood outside the maintenance office, a drink in hand, as he approached. “How are you?”

  He shrugged, unlocking the door and stepping into the quiet office. Dustin had taken to coming in a little later since the birth of his baby, so it was generally just Israel for the first few hours in the morning unless he was swamped. Then he would call Josh in to help. “About the same as yesterday, I guess.”

  “I’m sorry.” She placed the drink on the desk. “I know you said no more free coffees, but I thought you could use one today.”

  “Thanks.” He didn’t have the energy to fight her, nor did he see the point any longer. She knew how he felt about Tiffany even though they weren’t together any longer, and she’d made no attempts to flirt with him the last few days.

  “I was thinking,” she said, pulling a chair over to sit across from him. “I know Tiffany said no to going to the bash with you, but attendance is encouraged for employees. I don’t have a date either, so how about we go together? As friends.”

  Israel glanced up at her, expecting to see her wink or smile at him like she had before, but she appeared sincere. His initial impression of her was changing with the latest interactions, but he still wasn’t sure he would be good company for anyone at the bash. “Thanks, Sofia, but I hadn’t really planned on going. From what Chance says, it’s supposed to be a festive event, and I certainly don’t feel festive right now.”

  “I know, but you also can’t stay home for the rest of your life. At some point, you have to get back to living, and this bash might be just the way to do that.”

  She was right. At some point he would have to get back to living, but he wasn’t sure he was ready yet. “I don’t know, Sofia, I don’t want to give you the wrong idea. I am in no way ready to date again.”

  “And I know that too,” she said, placing a hand on his arm. “Honestly, I just think it would be good for you to get out and be surrounded by friends. Sitting at home and wallowing in your misery only makes it worse.”

  He bit the inside of his lip as he thought about it. Every part of him wanted to decline, but he would just be spending another evening at home and miserable which sounded about as much fun as getting a root canal. He sighed before looking back up at her. “You promise it will be just as friends?”

  She made the sign of a cross over her chest. “I promise.” Then her eyes lit up. “Oh, I’m so glad you said yes. I was not looking forward to going alone, but this will be great.”

  Israel had his doubts that it would be great, but it was for a good cause and it would get him out of the house. He just hoped he could get through the night without thinking about Tiffany.

  16

  Tiffany

  The next morning, Tiffany rehearsed what she was going to say as she pulled into the parking lot of the resort. Nothing sounded quite right, but she’d just have to go with what felt best. A simple, “I’m sorry, can we talk?” was what she had decided upon, and she just hoped that he would accept her apology and allow her to explain.

  Grabbing her bags for the day, she locked her car and headed for the maintenance room. It was empty when she glanced in, and she wondered where he had gone. Since she still had a little time before Lucas and the other kids showed up, she dropped her bags in the childcare room and decided to walk the main floor to see if she could find him. There was a chance he’d taken an early job and could be fixing one of the rooms, but she hoped she would run into him before she had to go back.

  He was not down any of the hallways or at the front desk. Tiffany was about to head back when she remembered the coffee bar. She was not a coffee drinker, but she knew Israel had some on occasion though she didn’t expect to find him there because of Sofia. Suddenly the thought of Sofia made her pause. Had Sofia found out they broke up? If she had, would she be making her move on Israel now? If she was, would he accept? And if he did, what did that say about his feelings for her?

  The weight of the questions froze her feet for a moment, and she was no longer sure she wanted to check the coffee bar for him. What if she found him in there? How would she react? She shook her head to clear the thoughts. She was overreacting. It had only been four days since they broke up. There was no way he’d be dating anyone else already, especially not Sofia.

  She continued toward the door, convinced he would not be here either, but that thought died when the door opened before she got there, and Israel stepped out. She swallowed her disappointment, telling herself he could have just been in there for a coffee. It didn’t have to mean anything more. She pasted a smile on her face as she approached him. “Oh, good, I found you. I’ve been looking
all over for you.”

  “Here I am,” he said, his voice hesitant.

  “Yes, here you are.” She hated that he sounded hesitant to talk to her and even more that his eyes looked fearful as if afraid she would wound him again. “Look, I wanted to apologize about the other day. I got some news that shook me up. I’d like to talk to you about it, but I also wanted to tell you that I’d love to go to the summer bash with you.” She smiled hopefully at him, praying he would give her another chance. “If the offer still stands.”

  The color drained from his face, and he glanced back at the coffee bar before looking back at her. A sick feeling erupted in Tiffany’s stomach.

  “I would love to talk with you,” he said, “but I can’t take you to the bash. Sofia heard that you said no and she asked me to go with her this morning. I told her yes but just as friends.”

  Friends. Right. Tiffany pursed her lips together. Sofia, the beautiful Latina who had been hounding Israel for weeks. She probably should have expected that Sofia would make a move as soon as Israel was free, but she hadn’t expected that he would say yes. He’d assured her that Sofia’s attention made him uneasy. “I see. Well, I hope you have fun, and never mind about the chat. It doesn’t matter anymore.”

  “Tiffany,” he called after her, “I didn’t know you would change your mind.”

  While he was right about that, he’d certainly wasted no time in going after the girl he claimed he had no interest in. It had only been four days; how could he have changed his mind so quickly? But then, maybe he hadn’t changed his mind. Maybe he’d liked Sofia the whole time and had been lying to Tiffany when he said he didn’t.

  As a tear slid down her cheek and she wiped it away, she realized how unfair she was being. He hadn’t asked Sofia out or proposed marriage; he’d simply agreed to a date with the girl, and he’d done it after Tiffany said no to him. Rationally, she knew he wasn’t to blame, but she didn’t feel like being rational right now. Being angry felt so much better though she wasn’t sure if she was more angry at Israel or at herself. Once again, her lack of faith in people had made everything worse. Would she ever learn?