Editing Emma

by Chloe Seager

  Greg offered to come by in his car and drop me home. He said that it was just because he ‘wanted me to get home safe’ but I walk home every other day and he’s never cared before, so I assume he wanted to check I deleted my stupid fake profile. But that’s fine, Leon said hello to me and everything is so gravy that I am swimming in gravy. Bathing in gravy. Drowning in gravy.

  I got in his car and we chatted for a bit, but he was clearly on edge. So I got out Steph’s phone and deleted it in front of him. It was weirdly ceremonial. Greg looked all solemn and I sort of felt like I was taking part in a holy ritual, and at any moment he might say, ‘Bless you, my child, you are cleansed of your blasphemous online promiscuity and can once again be pure.’

  I sort of wanted to laugh at the complete ludicrousness of the situation, but at least the bloody thing is DEFINITELY gone now. I suppose it’s nice that he cares? It might even have been romantic, if Steph hadn’t been looming over the car waiting to get her phone back.

  posted by EditingEmma 18.50

  I’m feeling really guilty, now, about a moment we had in the car.

  ‘You’re in a good mood,’ Greg said.

  ‘Er…’

  ‘You make me happy too,’ he said, then kissed me.

  Oh God. Greg is really nice. How comes he can say things like ‘you make me happy’ and it kind of makes me feel good, but only really in the way that you feel good when someone in the girls’ bathroom says ‘I like your top,’ and then Leon says ‘hello’ and I feel like I’m floating above the clouds? It’s so unfair!!!

  posted by EditingEmma 22.36

  My Mother is Bonkers

  If it wasn’t confirmed before, it is now. I was just going to brush my teeth, when I stumble across something in a plastic bag in the hall.

  ‘Why are you leaving things out in the dark?!’ I yell out to Mum. ‘You could have killed me!!!’

  ‘If I was lucky,’ she shouts back.

  I turn on the light to inspect the mysterious object. I open the bag and see… a head. An actual HEAD. Not a human head, obviously, but the head of a stuffed camel.

  Who am I living with?!?

  I go into Mum’s room and brandish the head.

  ‘Mum, what the hell is this?!’

  She looks sheepish and doesn’t say anything.

  ‘Why have you beheaded your stuffed camel?!’

  Still no answer.

  ‘Are you completely unbalanced? What is this?!’

  ‘Don’t go snooping in my private things!!’ she barks.

  ‘Don’t leave your private things in the corridor!!’

  ‘I had to leave it out to remind me.’

  ‘Remind you what?’

  She goes quiet again.

  ‘Remind you what?!’

  ‘To drop it off.’

  Oh no. She can’t be serious.

  ‘Are you… Are you referencing The Godfather?’

  ‘Olly is half Italian.’

  ‘So this is what… revenge? A threat on his life?’

  ‘Just a statement.’

  ‘You know that they used a horse, right, not a camel?’

  ‘Well, he didn’t buy me a horse, he bought me a camel, so it will do.’

  ‘You’re not… You’re not going to actually put it in his bed, are you?’

  ‘Oh no. Just leave it on his doorstep.’

  ‘Yes… that’s much better.’

  And now I’m in bed. Not sleeping. I feel too guilty about the camel. I can feel it sitting out there in the darkness, mourning its body… Oh God. What did she do with the body? I took a picture of the poor thing.

  Emma Nash @Em_Nasher

  Going to think twice next time before finishing off Mum’s

  fancy yoghurt, that’s for sure

  Steph Brent @Brentsy

  @Em_Nasher OH MY GOD. Did your mum do that?!?!

  Holly Barnet @HoHoHo

  @Em_Nasher @Brentsy Cool

  Friday, 10 October

  posted by EditingEmma 08.01

  Mum drove off with the decapitated camel head in the back of her car. There’s a sentence I’ll never say again.

  I hope.

  posted by EditingEmma 11.20

  Am I a Doormat?

  Earlier on, I saw Leon (and Apple) walking towards me and I smiled, but he just looked straight through me… I mean, what?! I thought we were speaking again?! I told Faith about it.

  ‘Here’s an idea, Emma, why don’t you try speaking to him? Why is it always him who gets to make the rules?’

  ‘I… What do you mean?’

  ‘I mean always act normal with him. Speak to him when he’s ignoring you. Or if he’s been ignoring you, ignore him when he speaks again. Or at least comment on it. You can’t just let him have his own way with you whenever he wants!! Don’t be a doormat.’

  I considered this for a moment. It does sound infinitely sensible.

  ‘I don’t think he treats me like a doormat…’

  ‘He does.’

  ‘No, he…’

  ‘Yes—’ she pointed to a little piece of mud on the floor ‘—that is you, there, getting stepped on.’

  A few minutes later, Steph came over and sat down with us.

  ‘Why are you staring intensely at the floor?’

  ‘I am that piece of mud,’ I replied.

  ‘I see.’

  ‘She’s coming to terms with some realisations,’ Faith said.

  posted by EditingEmma 13.15

  So am I still picking you up at 7?x 13.04

  Why would our plans have changed since the last time we spoke, yesterday?

  posted by EditingEmma 22.56

  Welcome to Adulthood

  I’ve just arrived back from a date where we went to an actual restaurant. Greg and I sat across from each other like actual adults, next to other actual adults. It was kind of nice I guess, but weird. Leon would never have taken me to a weird fancy restaurant. He would have got me a big tub of pic ’n’ mix (and he knows all the ones I like, too) and we’d just sit in his room watching a terrible film with him shoving sweets down the back of my top. I kept thinking about this, all the way through my starter.

  Starter Thoughts

  SHUT UP. You’re not on a date with Leon!! Do you know why? Because he doesn’t like you!! Focus on the date you’re actually on, with the person who does like you!!

  Greg has a little piece of tomato on his nose and I can’t stop staring at it.

  What if he tries to kiss me? What will I do?

  I mean, obviously, I’ll duck.

  After, we went back to Greg’s house. Thankfully the little piece of tomato had mysteriously disappeared.

  ‘So why didn’t you text me back until this evening?’ He lifted his eyebrows accusingly.

  ‘Er…’

  Then we just ended up kissing on his bed. It seems like kissing is the safest thing to do, because whenever we talk we seem to fight. And that’s how I came to encounter a penis.

  The Penis Encounter

  We were just making out all normal and then… he started taking his trousers off. Here’s how it went down in my head:

  Am I supposed to counter-move? Because I’m on my period and my massive sanitary towel will be plainly visible.

  OH MY GOD. I’VE STILL NOT SHAVED MY LEGS.

  Steph was right. I want to be bold and feminist and bare my hairy legs to the world but now it’s come down to it I’m gripped with terror.

  Can I get them out? It felt so much easier in theory! Aghhhhh.

  Well, now we’re just making out with me fully clothed and him in his pants. It’s a little bit awkward.

  THE PANTS ARE OFF. THE PANTS ARE OFF. OH MY GOD. I HAVE SEEN A PENIS IN REAL LIFE AND IT IS TERRIFYING.

  After ten seconds of looking at it, I know, deep down in my soul, that I will never, ever, get used to the sight of a human penis.

  Should I touch it? Oh my God. I haven’t even properly acquainted myself with it visually yet, let alone physically.

/>   Moving nearer…

  It slapped my hand. IT SLAPPED MY HAND. I’ve been rejected by the penis.

  I’m not prepared for this.

  I quickly withdrew.

  ‘Greg, I just don’t think I’m ready.’

  ‘Oh my God. I’m so sorry. I just thought. Because you know. We’d already done stuff, so…’

  ‘Er, yes, I can see why you’d think that. But… no.’

  ‘Of course, I’m so sorry. I’ll just, er, put these back on.’

  Then he put his trousers back on in silence, and we didn’t mention it again for the rest of the evening. I feel like I’ve been through an ordeal. And a little bit confused. It’s not like I definitely didn’t want to. I kind of did. At least, I’ve thought about it before and thought I did. But in the moment I felt all overwhelmed and weird.

  Saturday, 11 October

  posted by EditingEmma 13.46

  The ‘Am I Ready?’ Question

  Steph is round.

  ‘That sounds horrendous,’ she said.

  ‘Thanks, I feel much better now.’

  ‘So… you’re not ready to do stuff with him?’

  ‘Well, er… I’m ready for him to do stuff to me.’

  Steph laughed.

  ‘I always thought there was either an I’m ready or I’m not ready. How can I be half ready?!’

  Steph thought for a moment, then said, ‘Because you’re a selfish lover?’

  ‘Exactly. That’s what it sounds like, isn’t it? If a guy said that to me, I’d tell him to piss off.’

  ‘Me too.’

  ‘So am I allowed to say that? It’s how I feel.’

  ‘I don’t know. I can tell you what Faith would say.’

  ‘Go on.’

  ‘She’d say, “Emma, that’s OK, but until you feel ready to reciprocate, maybe you shouldn’t do anything at all, because you don’t want to be a user”.’

  ‘Hmm.’

  I’ve thought about this for a while and I’ve concluded that, whilst Steph-channelling-Faith made a good point, I think that Greg seems to want to touch me quite a lot. Therefore, denying him that would be denying us both.

  Sunday, 12 October

  posted by EditingEmma 15.00

  SUCCESS

  I’ve done it!!! I’ve finished the dress that I designed and it looks the same as it did in my head!! I feel so good about myself and I am never buying clothes again. (Only partially because Mum won’t buy me lots of new clothes, but her purse strings seem very loose when it comes to buying me fabrics to make things with.) I posted a picture of it and I’ve never gotten so many likes. Even Mum came in as I was standing admiring it in the mirror and said,

  ‘Oh wow! That looks lovely. I can’t believe you made that.’

  Still not sure how I feel about her praising me. It is alien and unnatural and I felt the urge to hug her, but also to counter it by saying something mean.

  Anyway, I’m going to wear the dress to Gracie’s party. Which is technically under-the-sea themed but I’m sure there must be some kind of black-with-see-through-stripes sea creature I can go as.

  posted by EditingEmma 19.10

  Found it!!! A banded sea krait. Perfect!!

  posted by EditingEmma 19.58

  I Will Never Be a Banded Sea Krait

  Gracie called.

  ‘So, I’ve changed the theme to Great Gatsby.’

  ‘What, noooo! Why?!’

  ‘Don’t you think we’re a bit old for under-the-sea? It is my seventeenth.’

  ‘I think you shouldn’t worry about how something looks, you should just do what you want…’

  ‘Well, what I want to do is Gatsby.’

  ‘But… but… I was coming as a banded sea krait.’

  ‘A what?’

  ‘Oh, never mind.’

  I’ll just put on a feather boa or something, then take it off after five minutes.

  Monday, 13 October

  posted by EditingEmma 08.55

  Sitting on a Wall Near Chapel

  Missed registration. Again. I came panting up to the Chapel, where Dr Penzik was standing ‘monitoring’ the students as they passed. He obnoxiously put an arm out in front of me as I tried to walk in.

  ‘Emma, where’s your blazer?’

  ‘Oh, er…’ I looked at my blazer-less arms. ‘At home on the bannister?’

  ‘You can’t come in without your blazer.’

  ‘Oh, great, thanks, Dr Penzik!’ I said, and ran off to sit on the wall. I’d never have worn my blazer if I knew it was a get-out-of-Chapel-free card. On the way here I walked past Mr Morris.

  ‘Oh, Mr Morris, I’m really sorry I was late today. I promise it won’t happen again! This week, anyway.’

  He stopped, furrowing his brow in confusion and anger. ‘I’m not Mr Morris,’ he said solemnly.

  Has he lost his mind?

  I can hear Chapel going on without me. It’s so satisfying not to have to mouth along to the hymns for once. Faith says that I’d find it less boring if I actually tried singing, and thinking about what the hymns mean, but I don’t believe her.

  posted by EditingEmma 10.15

  In Art

  Sitting next to Faith. We’re supposed to be having ‘quiet sketching’ time.

  I saw a penis 10.13

  She raised her eyebrows.

  What was it like? 10.14

  A worm 10.15

  posted by EditingEmma 11.17

  The Catterfly: True or False?

  I was discussing it with Faith and Steph, when Crazy Holly enlightened me.

  ‘What do you mean it slapped your hand?’

  ‘I don’t know how else to say it.’

  ‘Why was it moving?’

  ‘I don’t know!!’

  ‘Was it hard?’

  ‘Kind of.’

  ‘What do you mean kind of? Isn’t it either hard or… not?’

  ‘No… I mean… That’s what I thought too. But obviously not.’

  ‘Maybe Greg just has a weird penis.’

  Then Holly came ambling over. ‘Excuse me, ladies, I couldn’t help but overhear your conversation. I think what you’re talking about is a phenomenon I like to term the catterfly.’

  We stared blankly.

  ‘If a caterpillar is changing into a butterfly, what is it?’

  ‘Er… a catterfly?’

  ‘Exactly.’

  More staring.

  ‘So, the catterfly in question is neither a caterpillar nor a butterfly. It is in a transitional stage.’

  ‘Holly, what are you talking about?’

  ‘A semi-erection.’

  I’m still absorbing this new information. That is, if it’s true. Can I really trust what Crazy Holly says? She did go out with that guy who was in prison. But I’m not sure they ever actually met.

  posted by EditingEmma 13.11

  The Catterfly: True

  Looked it up on the internet. Apparently it is a real thing!!! Why do they never teach you these things in sex ed? What did I even learn that was useful? All I know is how babies are made and I don’t want a baby. Oh my God. Why did he only have a semi?! Do I not merit a full erection?

  I was walking around with Faith.

  ‘Faith, you’re so lucky you’ll never have to deal with this.’

  ‘Why, because I’ll never be with anyone ever?’ she sighed.

  ‘No, because when you DO start seeing someone, which you WILL, you’ll already know what to do because you’ve got a vagina.’

  posted by EditingEmma 13.45

  A Revelation

  ‘Did you notice anything weird about Mr Morris today?’ I asked Steph.

  ‘No,’ she said absently, closely examining her chipped nail polish, ‘why?’

  ‘He seems to be having an identity crisis. He stopped in the middle of the corridor and said, “I am not Mr Morris.”’

  ‘That is weird.’

  I looked out the window and saw him walking across the courtyard.

  ‘W
ho knows what’s going on inside that bearded head… What trauma he’s dealing with…’

  Steph looked up from her fingernails. ‘That’s not Mr Morris.’

  ‘What?’

  She started laughing really, really hard. ‘That’s not Mr Morris!!!’

  ‘What are you talking about?!’

  ‘That’s Mr Grant! He teaches Physics!’

  ‘No… What?! You’re lying!’

  She was laughing so hard she couldn’t even answer. Ten minutes later, she was still laughing and had turned a deep shade of red.

  ‘All this time… You saying Mr Morris was ignoring you…’ She sputtered.

  ‘I’m still not convinced.’

  ‘I should have known when you asked whether I thought Elijah Wood would ever be able to move on from Harry Potter.’

  posted by EditingEmma 23.00

  Still stressing over my inability to engender a full erection. I suppose it was only the first time… Maybe I shouldn’t be too hard on myself. (Haha, ‘hard’ on myself.) All good practice for if I ever go there with Leon. DON’T THINK ABOUT THAT. NO. Get out of my head, Leon. Get out get out get out get out get out. Maybe I should write lines or something?

  You will never touch Leon’s penis. You will never touch Leon’s penis. You will never touch Leon’s penis. You will never touch Leon’s penis. You will never touch Leon’s penis. You will never touch Leon’s penis. You will never touch Leon’s penis. You will never touch Leon’s penis. You will never touch Leon’s penis. You will never touch Leon’s penis. You will never touch Leon’s penis. You will never touch Leon’s penis. You will never touch Leon’s penis.

  Tuesday, 14 October

  posted by EditingEmma 11.15

  I came in this morning and walked slowly past ‘Mr Morris’ at his desk. (Could it be Mr Grant? Who knows?)

  ‘Good morning, Mr Morris…’ I said sceptically.

  Steph burst out laughing on the other side of the room.

  Now I’m stalking the staff room to see proof that Mr Morris has a double… And there they are. The twins. Standing by the biscuit table with their barely discernible features.

  Who knew?

  posted by EditingEmma 13.50

  I Am Not a Doormat

  I was walking around the grounds with Faith, and two figures came into view ahead.