Maniacs in The Fourth Dimension

by YT Whitemansson

  ''That was a cynocephalus!!''

  ''Ya'', Marco laughed: ''Rilo is good.''

  ''Rilo is his name?''

  ''Name, ya.''

  ''Is it Dutch? He speaks Dutch?''

  ''He doesn't speak. He understands.''

  ''There is a legend about them back home'', said Hubert: ''Legend says that they used to live in far east, before Alexander the Macedonian pushed them to the mountains at the end of the world and closed them off behind an iron gate. It says that when they finally break free it will be the end of the world.''

  ''Hahah! Ya, end of the world.''

  Chapter fifty five

  Al-Miraj

  ''Cleit, are you awake?''

  No.

  ''C'mon Cleit, you've been out for twelve hours, get up, get dressed, I brought your clothes.''

  ...

  ''What are we going to do, Cleit?''

  Ugh!

  ''You're sitting on my leg.''

  ''Oh. Sorry.''

  ''I'm getting up. Jesus. Twelve hours?''

  ''Yeah.''

  ''Where did you sleep?''

  ''I fell asleep inside the diner, with my face on the table.''

  ''Where did you get those clothes?''

  ''Kayla gave 'em to me. It was her boyfriend's. Ex-boyfriend's.''

  ''What's that suppose to be?''

  Some map on his shirt.

  ''Subway map of London.''

  ''Let's go.''

  Through the doors. And another doors.

  ''Jeez.''

  Multitude of people in uniforms. Eating.

  ''Soldiers of Scaramouche. 'Russians from above' that Kayla was mentioning. I will explain later.''

  ''Good god...''

  ''What?''

  ''That table on the left, it's Lempo and Emily, do you see them?''

  ''Jesus! I see. Is that really them? I would never of recognized them, what happened to them?''

  ''Emily saw us, she's looking at us. We can't turn back now, we have to go to them. Walk, Jove.''

  ''Why do I have to go first?''

  ''We're going together, just go!''

  ''You two look like lost backpackers, you're faces are all read and your fragrance suggest shortage of soap-''

  ''Sit down, Jove!''

  I interrupted him, he talks shit when he's nervous. I can feel their heat coming across the table, it's like standing next to a bonfire. They're wearing some strange clothes, some national costumes made from reindeer-like thing. They've changed. Emily's hair is not blond anymore, Lempo's had grown really long. His left ear is gone. Christ, what happend to them?!

  ''How much time passed for you?''

  ''Months'', swallowed Lempo: ''A year, maybe. For you?''

  ''We saw you like, yesterday, man'', said Jove.

  ''How'', uttered Emily: ''How did you get here?''

  ''Thanks to you. A doghead escaping your clutches sucked us in with him and left us here.''

  ''By metathrone...'', said Emily, whatever that meant... maybe I misheard... metronome?, ''Just like that?''

  ''Just like that'', said Jove: ''And then we found this place, we got some food, we slept, and now we're here. And I got this cool shirt from the waitress.''

  Lempo scoffed. Why are you angry, man?! You insisted on going. You were adamant in your intentions to save the world from the delusions of a comic artist. And where did your quest brought you? Where?! To a castle on a hill given to you for your heroic efforts?! One eared typhoid with clothes stolen from a dead Laplandian.

  ''Obvoiusly a lot more happend to you'', said Jove: ''You mind sharing it with us?''

  Neither he or her said anything. Then she uttered: ''It was such an odyssey.''

  Oh, it was?! Just peachie.

  ''What happened with the others?! Did they turn back?''

  ''No'', said Emily: ''They're dead. Except Laszlo.''

  ''They're dead?! You saw them die?!''

  ''No, but there's no way-''

  ''Look, okay, you wanna know where we've been?'', Lempo cut in: ''What we've done? Then listen. All seven of us made it to Jezirat al-Tennyn, and we're looking for our way to Antilia, and the only way is through the gateway, the gateway of Al-Miraj, guarded by Al-Miraj and his armies, unwilling to allow the passage through his teritory to any living being. So we aligned ourselves with warlord Sharukan, his sons, and their army of Metalopods, fueled and controled by pure accumulated energy. We attack the gate, and it all lasts very long, and instead of sticking with us, Laszlo bales out on us, abandons his post, defects to Al-Miraj, he sells us out for the right of passage. The western wing where Kristen, Marky, and Alden are is completely overrun, destroyed, they're gone. Emily and I, we fought our way to the gate, and through the gate, and we're one step behind Laszlo ever since. We have to find him, he must be stopped!''

  What. The. Fuck. Did. He. Just. Said. Question mark.

  ''And what happened to your ear, man?'', said Jove.

  ''Al-Miraj severed it with his horn.''

  ''Oh.''

  ''You have to help us find and stop Laszlo'', said Emily: ''He's a maniac, and he made it this far.''

  ''So?''

  ''So he's overtrowing rulers, destroying cities, all for energy, with each level he crosses, he's growing stronger.''

  ''So that makes him different from you how?''

  ''Cleit, you don't understand. Somewhere along the way his mind got sick, he will not stop until he reaches the final realm, and conquers it.''

  ''He's set with the intention of killing god'', said Lempo: ''The God, The One God, and he is so close, so close to the final realm.''

  ''So, you're saving the world again.''

  ''You have to help us stop him'', said Lempo: ''Did you forget Cleit, that you're the one that got him here?''

  ''You motherf-''

  ''Cleit and I need to go consult!''

  ''Just be quick, we've lost too much time.''

  ''Walk, Cleit.''

  ''They're so full of shit, they're lying to us Jove, right in our faces!''

  ''There is a way to check that. Kayla knows a lot about who is who here, and we need to check Lempo's story with her. Did you remember any names he popped up?''

  ''Ah... Metronome... Methadone?''

  ''That's Me-ta-tron, the leader of angels from three sixty-four. I got that from Kayla, I told you she knows a lot. Let's go.''

  She's in the kitchen.

  ''Kayla!''

  ''Well good morning lost boys.''

  ''Kayla we need to ask you some questions, did you ever heard of some El-Mirage? It's a person, and apparently he has horns.''

  She just laughed ironically to this. I understand her completely.

  ''No? Okay. How about...'', Jove went on: ''Um..'', he looked at me: ''What was that other name they mentioned?''

  I just shrugged.

  ''Sandokan? Sharukan?'', he mused: ''Some guy with an army of... robots?''

  ''Sharook Khan'', she said: ''Is that the name you're looking for?''

  ''Yes! What can you tell us about him?!''

  ''He commands a mechanical army, lives for war, and makes cups and chalices from the skulls of his defeated opponents.''

  ''Jesus!''

  ''So he's real'', said Jove: ''Maybe Lempo was telling the truth.''

  ''Are you going to tell me what's going on?'', she said.

  ''People we started this trip with, they're here, and they want us to go with them.''

  ''Guy that's missing one ear'', said Jove: ''You served him breakfast.''

  ''Jesus. Those people are your friends?''

  ''I don't know anymore.''

  ''What are you going to do?'', she asked: ''I'm not going to kick you out, if you want, you can stay and wait for Gurg, he'll probably take you back when he appears... whenever that happens.''

  ''Thank you Kayla, but... if we stay, I will never know what really happened.''

  ''Is that really so important?'', she said: ''Knowledge isn't happiness. Quite frequently ignorance is
.''

  ''We really should go'', said Jove.

  I shook her hand, thanked her, and said goodbye. Jove was less official. They hugged.

  ''Do you have any message for Jeff, in case we cross paths with him?''

  ''Yeah. You can tell him to go fuck himself.''

  Chapter fifty six

  Space between the ribs

  What is this place? Thewe's only one diwt twack I can follow and nothing else, no signs of life. Except biwds. I have to find some enewgy souwce, so I could catch up with the othews, who knows how faw did they make it. Ow, maybe, they didn't make it at all, maybe, I'm the only one left. Evewything happens with a weason, this twack happened to be hewe fow a weason, and it will lead me to that what I need.

  Ow, is this just a path that animals twamped, and it leads nowhewe, and thewe is no one hewe, no one to help me. No. No, thewe is a vineyawd, thewe must be someone who tends to it. Gwapes awe so souw, I'm not that hungwy. What's this? A lodge is down thewe. The tendew of the vineyawd must be in thewe.

  The entwance is on the othew side. Oh my gosh! Thewe's a table filled with food! Lamb, powk, lots of cheese, fruits! It smells so good. Thewe's only one wooden plate, wooden cup and a jug. Path led me hewe to eat! Thank you! Thank you! Lamb is so good, peaws awe so wipe. So good... Thank you.

  What's that?! Someone's in the lodge. Shit.

  The doows opened. What?! It's some old man in a long, stained Santa coat. And that's the only thing on him! His genitals awe showing. Disgusting. His old penis looks like an upside down mushwoom. I will not look at it.

  ''Bon appetite'', he said.

  ''Thanks.''

  He pouwed wine in the cup, took a piece of bwead, teawed it to pieces, and thwew it in the cup. That he ate with a spoon. Dwunkawd. His eyes awe full of wed capillawies, his beawd is shaggy, he looks misewable.

  ''What's your name, boy?'', he said.

  He sounds like Nick Nolte.

  ''Mawky.''

  ''Mark?!''

  ''Yes.''

  ''Are you a Jew or a Greek?''

  ''Neithew, I'm a... I'm a Catholic.''

  ''I'm Bacchus, the deity of strong booze.''

  Deaw God! A madman!

  ''You heard for Dionysus?! God of wine?!''

  ''Yes.''

  ''Well that's me.''

  ''What's with the wed coat? Awe you also Santa Claus?''

  ''In fact, I am.''

  ''We can be whatevew we choose to be in ouw imagination, huh?''

  ''NO! NO! I AM DIONYSUS OF THEBES! THE ONLY THERE IS!''

  Jeez!

  ''Okay. Okay. I believe you.''

  He took a book out of his pocket. 'Santa Claus through centuries'. He opened it to 'Contents' page and gave it to me. Second chaptew and its subchaptews awe undewlined.

  '2. Historical, mythological, and literary figures that inspired modern image of Santa Claus

  2.1 Saint Nicholas

  2.2 Ded Moroz

  2.3 Odin

  2.4 Father Christmas

  2.5 Ghost of Christmas present

  2.6 Sinterklaas'

  ''Not only that I didn't get a chapter, but my name wasn't even mentioned in the whole fuckin' book! And not only in this book. Not a single book that deals with Christmas gives me the credits I deserve!''

  Pathetic bum. He took the book back.

  ''Listen to this. 'With great certainty it can be said that the idea of a benevolent deity that visits homes and brings gifts to its residents on a certain day of the year is ancient, maybe even prehistoric. The first giftbringer was most likely the spirit of a notable ancestor, a role that later went to supreme god of ancient religions.' You hear this?! And nobody remembered me! I was the first traveling deity widely known and worshiped! All around the antique world people celebrated my holiday, and welcomed me in their homes! I traveled around the Mediterranean and beyond with my retinue of Sileni and Maenads, which later tradition turned into little elves, for some reason. Gifts! Gift that I bestowed upon the people was fertility, fertility of vineyards, of fields, of orchards, of cattle, of women! I don't know how that got mixed up with toys. I AM SANTA CLAUS!!''

  He smacked the book upon the table. This man is obviously sewiously dewanged. But his enewgy is stwong. I can feel its pulsating. Path led me hewe fow a weason. Fow this weason.

  ''A pop-cultural icon stole my glory. But I don't care, all I want is recognition. Maybe nobody celebrates my name anymore, but people celebrate everything I represent. Intoxicated frenzies will always exist. And if I wanted glamour, I would of stayed with the Olymipians. But, I couldn't stand them, and their egos so big, it's no wonder they named planets after them. No, here I have everything I need. Pan is the only god whose company I enjoy. That goatfucker. He's a good guy, always ready to help. Did you know it was him who tought you humans to jerk off?''

  Oh, God...

  ''Everybody remembers Prometheus and what he did for Man, but nobody remembers Pan. Bet ya didn't know ya yank that little pecker of yours, because Pan shared his favorite pass time activity with your ancestors?''

  ''I don't do that.''

  I slipped the knife fwom the table in my pocket. Blade is not shawp, not shawp enough to slit his thwoat. I will have to go fow a stwong stab at his chest. I have to hit his heawt. I have to hit that space between the wibs, or othewwise, it will not wowk.

  ''Me neither. These forests are full of beautiful nymphs, and I can't stand their singing without me between their thighs.''

  ''Why awe you saying things like that?!''

  ''Like what?''

  ''Vulgaw things. Please stop, it makes me uncomfowtable.''

  ''Well, sorry, I was just being honest. But, those nymphs are really sweet things, they bring all this food for me, they dance around me, they tease me, I can never resist their sexy hooves.''

  ''Nymphs don't have hooves!''

  '' 'Nymphs don't have hooves!' You don't know nymphs, boy. What part of the female body you relish the most?''