by Alisa Easton
“Ben is not my boyfriend. It’s just that he happens to be particularly good in bed so I’m keeping him around a little longer than most. I don’t have feelings for the guy and it’s not going to turn into anything serious. We both know that we are still free to see other people and believe me, I will see other men and I will have plenty of sex.”
“Maybe you will. Maybe you won’t. The fact remains that even if you do see someone else, you’re going to be thinking about him in the back of your mind and that does mean something. In your own messed up kind of way, you are in a relationship whether you want to admit it to your best friend or not.”
“I am not.”
“You are too.”
She sighed heavily. “I’m doomed, aren’t I?” she asked as she pushed away her plate. I shook my head. I realized in that moment that my dear friend that I’d always looked up to for having her life so put together was just as confused as I was when it came to relationships. She needed me as much as I needed her. I finished off the last of my own salad and put down my fork.
“I’ll make you a deal,” I said at last.
“What is that?”
“Whatever you think I should do to set things right with Adam, I will trust you and follow your advice exactly but in return, you have to admit that you actually like this Ben guy and agree that you’re going to listen to me once in a while and give this guy half a chance. No running away when things get too intense for you. Okay?”
“I’m not so sure I can agree to that, Alex.”
“You really believe that I have a chance with Adam, right?”
“Yes.”
“And you can help me fix it?”
“You know I can.”
“So just trust me this once. I know what I’m talking about. Well, okay, kind of. I admit that I’m not exactly lucky in love but I have a good feeling about Ben and I like seeing how happy he makes you.”
“I don’t know what you’re talking about.”
“Sylvia, I saw you two together, remember? I’ve never seen you light up the way you do when he’s in the room. There is something there.”
“I don’t know, Alex, it’s scary.”
“Love is a terrifying thing, Sylvia,” I said laughing, “but I am pretty sure we can get you through it. Remember that whole speech you just gave me moments ago about taking risks for greater rewards and blah, blah, blah.”
“Yes, I believe in all that blah, blah, blah.” She smiled.
“Yeah, well, it applies to you too, you know.”
“It was a really nice evening,” she admitted, “and to be honest, Alex, I didn’t really call him for sex. He called me and I think he just wanted to hear the sound of my voice. So I invited him over thinking he’d probably just want to mess around and go home but he didn’t and it was just comfortable and I enjoyed it. I didn’t want to enjoy it but I did and I didn’t want him to leave. When he fell asleep I just lay my head down on his shoulder and I went to sleep too. It was a really nice feeling.”
“Yep, you’re in love.”
“Let’s not get carried away. I’m admitting that maybe I was wrong about a few things along the way but I’m not ready to go shopping for the white dress just yet. Let’s get back to more important matters here anyway. You have to hold up your end of our little deal.”
“Yes, I need to make Adam forgive me.”
“We’re going to get you back into that man’s good graces and make him forget all about that little blunder you made last night. Believe me, Alex, once you follow through with what I’ve got in store for you, he won’t be able to think straight. He’s just going to come crawling back to you for more.”
Chapter 11
I stopped the car about a block away from Adam’s house just to calm my nerves before I could actually face him. Sylvia had run through the scenario with me at least a dozen times so I should have felt confident that I knew what I was facing but the problem was that I didn’t think I could go through with it. I made two stops after my conversation with Sylvia: one at my office to find Adam’s home address, and one at home to prep myself for seeing him.
It did occur to me that I was probably just a bit crazy to show up at the door of a man’s house that I barely knew. After all, Adam and I had really only gone on two dates and that is only if you counted our picnic in the park. Otherwise, I only knew him from the times he brought in his dog for an appointment. I knew that he liked me and after our conversation at dinner, he made it pretty clear the he wanted to know me a lot better. But that didn’t mean he was going to appreciate the fact that I was showing up at his house unannounced wearing not a whole heck of a lot.
Sylvia assured me several times that guys love this sort of thing and maybe in her experience they did, but Adam wasn’t just any guy and I felt like I was taking a bigger risk in having him never speak to me again than I was in making him fall in love with me, if that’s even what I was going for in the first place.
After all, there was someone else. I couldn’t admit my feelings to Sylvia because she’d made it so clear that she didn’t like the idea of me chasing around after a complete stranger and I knew after seeing him in the restaurant that he didn’t have any intentions of knowing me, but a part of me still just couldn’t let go. I wish I could rationalize my feelings in some way or make sense of the pull he had on me. He’d ignited in me a sexual appetite that I hadn’t even known existed. If it weren’t for our encounter, I don’t know that I’d even have had the guts to show up at Adam’s house now.
As much as I wanted to hang on to whatever shred of possibility might exist between Reese and me, I knew that I had to stick to letting him go. Perhaps in my mind he’d always exist as some form of inspiration for the way I’d relate to any man that might become a part of my life now or in the future, but clearly, I wasn’t being sensible in hoping to make Reese part of my life. It didn’t seem to matter how many times I tried to convince myself of this fact, however, I knew that I’d still always wonder if he was out there watching me. Would he approve of what I was about to do with Adam or would be want to keep me for himself? I felt a tingle of excitement at the idea of being in his arms and sighed. I needed to suppress those desires if I wanted to live any semblance of a normal life.
I decided that it would be better to leave the car parked where it was. I slipped off my comfortable sneakers and replaced them with the awkward black stilettos that Sylvia had lent me. I’d never get used to wearing shoes like this. It wasn’t natural on my feet. I suddenly worried that I wouldn’t be able to make it from the car to Adam’s front door without twisting an ankle. I stepped out of my car and wrapped my coat tightly around my body. I felt exposed.
What would I do if I knocked on the door and he wasn’t home I wondered as I started walking in the direction of his house and looking at house numbers as I went. Or even worse, what if I got there and he had company? Female company? Just because he’d expressed an interest in dating me, that didn’t necessarily mean that he wanted to be exclusive and I didn’t have any right to expect it.
I stood on the porch for a long time taking deep breaths trying to calm my nerves but it wasn’t helping. Every time I reached out to press the doorbell, my hands froze and I couldn’t move. Was it worth the humiliation all for the sake of having a man in my life again? I’d done that once already and look how it worked out for me. When Ed walked out of my life, I swore I’d never go down that path again. I didn’t need a relationship to make me happy. Why did I let Sylvia talk me into this? I sighed and looked back in the direction of my car, suddenly wishing that I hadn’t parked so far away. I knew I couldn’t follow through with this. I clutched the long coat tightly around me and turned to step down from the porch. I froze when I heard the door open behind me.
“Alex?”
I had two choices. I could turn and face Adam and make up some excuse for why I was standing on his front porch, or I could make a run for the car and hope that he didn’t follow me. I looked down at the high hee
ls that Sylvia had insisted that I wear and I cursed under my breath. Running away was not a reliable option.
“What are you doing here?” he asked. I wished that I could make myself invisible or pretend like I couldn’t hear him but since either of those were likely to happen, I turned slowly to face him and attempted a half-hearted smile.
“Hi, Adam,” I said softly.
“What are you doing here?” he repeated.
“I’m really sorry to bother you. I was just … I was just … I was just leaving.”
“I was just about to make some lunch. Why don’t you come in?”
I remained frozen in place but images of the wonderful sandwiches he’d made for the picnic popped into my mind and I heard my stomach rumble. I hoped that he couldn’t hear it to but I could tell by the smile on his face that he probably had. He stepped out of the house and took my arm to lead me into his home. My feet followed without engaging my brain. I didn’t know what else to do.
“Can I take your coat?” he asked as he closed the door behind us. I panicked.
“No! I mean, no thanks. I’m chilly.”
“Are you sure? I can turn up the heat a bit if you’re not comfortable.”
“Really, it’s fine, thanks. Besides, I can’t stay long. I just came to apologize for last night.”
His expression darkened and he turned away from me indicating for me to follow. I did, stammering for the right words as I went. This wasn’t exactly the way that Sylvia had planned for things to go and I knew if she could see me now she would be shaking her head in frustration. As I followed Adam, I couldn’t help but notice that he was wearing only a pair of jeans. No shirt and no socks. His hair looked wet like he was fresh from the shower. A different kind of hunger twisted in the pit of my stomach. There was no denying the fact that Adam was handsome. He had an earthly quality about him and he obviously kept himself in good shape. My imagination tripped over an image of him and me naked and tangled in his sheets, except that it wasn’t Adam’s face that I saw when he reached down to kiss me. I cleared my throat as he turned to look at me again with those piercing green eyes.
“Alex? Are you okay?”
“Yes, I’m fine, thanks. Sorry, I lost track of my thoughts for a moment.”
“I asked you if I could offer you something to drink? A cup of tea maybe?”
“No, thanks, really, I can’t stay.”
“So you said.” His eyes left my face and trailed the length of my coat, all the way down my stockened legs to the high heels on my feet. I wondered what was going through his head.
“I was hoping you would give me a chance to make it up to you,” I said, “I mean, since I sort of put a damper on things last night.”
“It’s no big deal, Alex. Don’t worry about it.”
“I don’t know what came over me. He was someone that I thought I knew…”
“Really, you don’t have to explain.” He stirred the sugar in his tea and tossed the tea bag in the garbage, motioning for me to sit down at the table. I shook my head quickly. I didn’t want to sit or make myself comfortable. I just wanted to know that everything was okay and then I could leave. So far, he was telling me that it was fine but his body language indicated that it was anything but. Maybe Sylvia was right. Maybe I had to go through with what I came here for. Maybe I had to prove to him that I wanted more. I stepped closer to him as he leaned casually against the counter holding his tea mug and watching me. I was certain he was trying to figure out why I was really here standing in his kitchen.
“I really do like you, Adam.”
“I really like you too, Alex.” Now he looked confused, like I was starting to speak in a language that he didn’t understand. I was worrying him. “I know that things haven’t been perfect in the past for either one of us. There is no need to rush into anything.”
I stepped closer so that I was only a few inches away from him and looking up into his eyes. I could barely hold my resolve. I could tell he was debating whether he should close the distance and kiss me or move away from me so I made the decision easier for him, reaching up to place my lips against his. He kissed me back tentatively and then pulled away, startling me a bit.
“What’s going on, Alex?”
“Nothing. I told you. I wanted to apologize.”
“Apologize how, exactly?” His eyes moved down to my coat again which I realized I was holding onto so tightly that my knuckles were turning white. I took a deep breath and released my grasp. I unbuttoned slowly as I tried to move closer to him again. This time he took a step away from me without hesitation.
“Alex, what is going on?”
I kept unbuttoning the coat and with a light shrug, I let it fall from my shoulders revealing the black and red lace bra with matching short skirt attached by garters to the stockings. Adam sucked in his breath at the sight of me and froze in place. I took advantage of the opportunity to wrap my arms around his neck and pull his lips back to mine for a more insistent kiss. I let my hands trail along his chest and reach for the waistband of his jeans and was startled when he caught my wrists in his hands and pulled away from me again.
“Alex…”
“I’m sorry,” I said feeling a strange disconnect from reality, “I don’t know what I was thinking.” I tried to pull away but he held me in place by my wrists.
“It’s not that I don’t want to. I’m just confused. What is going on?”
“I thought it was pretty clear,” I said working hard to keep the tears at bay that I felt forming. I was already embarrassed enough. I didn’t need to start crying in front of him to make it even worse. Why on earth did I have to listen to Sylvia?
“A day ago you weren’t even sure you wanted to have dinner with me and today you show up at my doorstep wearing next to nothing and kissing me like this? My head is still spinning. I’m not sure I can keep up.”
“Let me go, Adam.” I struggled to pull from his grasp but he still held me firmly forcing me to look into those green eyes and answer all the questions that were burning there. I could see the lust that he had for me mingled with the confusion. He wanted me but he was too afraid to give in. I just couldn’t understand why.
“What are you doing here?”
“I came here to have sex with you,” I said, annoyed now and trying to cover my hurt feelings with a tough exterior, “but obviously that isn’t going to happen so will you please just let go of me so I can cover myself.”
His gaze trailed over my body again and I felt vulnerable and exposed. I didn’t know if I hoped at that point that he would give in and take full advantage of me or if he would give up and let me go so that I could run away from him and never look back. If I hadn’t already turned him away last night, I sealed my fate today by showing up like this. I’d never be able to look into those green eyes again.
“Oh, I want to, believe me,” he said softly, “but I’m not convinced this is what you want.”
“Why would I show up like this if I didn’t?”
“That’s what I’m trying to figure out.”
We stared at each other for what felt like an eternity, each of us trying to discover what was hidden in the thoughts of the other. I felt like I could barely breathe, not knowing whether he would decide to drag me to his bedroom or let me walk out of his life forever.
“I think I should go,” I said breaking the silence between us. My heart was beating at triple speed and I wasn’t sure how much more I could endure.
He let me go but when I tried to reach for my coat, he stopped me. He pulled me into his arms and kissed me. I resisted the urge to push him away. This is what I’d wanted all along, I reminded myself. This is what I needed. His hands caressed the bare skin of my back and lightly brushing the sides of my breasts. He turned me so that the counter was behind me and lifted me gently to sit on its smooth surface as he positioned himself between my legs. His mouth left mine to cover my neck in kisses while his hands explored my breasts and my stomach.
“Is this w
hat you want?” he whispered breathless into my ear.
I couldn’t think clearly enough to give him a coherent response. I felt his hands on my thighs inching upward toward the hem of the short lace skirt and I closed my eyes. He kissed down to my breasts as his hands moved in circles upward. In my mind I saw the stranger standing outside the kitchen window looking inward, watching us, turned on by the way Adam touched me. He pulled back again and I looked at him in confusion.
“What are you doing?” I asked him feeling suddenly cold without the warmth of his body against me. He ran his hand through his hair and exhaled slowly like he was trying to reset and then looked back at me.
“It isn’t me that you want.”
“What?” I was too stunned to say anything more.
“I want to believe that it is but I know it’s not. I saw the way that you looked at him, Alex.”
I opened my mouth to respond but no words came out. I wanted to deny the claim but it seemed pointless when it was so obvious. I slid off the counter and picked up my coat replacing it with trembling fingers. This time I was going to lose the battle with the tears, I could feel it, but I didn’t know why I was so upset. Was I upset because Adam had rejected me or because he saw through me so easily?
“I’m sorry, Adam, this was obviously a mistake.”
I made my way to the front door without waiting for a reply. Sylvia’s foolproof plan had backfired on me in a major way and I could barely see where I was going through the wall of tears that threatened to spill over. I took a deep breath when the fresh outdoor air hit me and welcomed the breeze. I needed to make my way to the car and then everything would be okay I assured myself.
“Alex, wait,” Adam said. I didn’t dare turn to look at him. I couldn’t risk further humiliation, “This isn’t over.” He caught my arm and spun me around to look at him again but I turned my head and looked at the line of houses across the street instead. “I didn’t mean to make you feel bad.”
