Unveiling Ghosts

by Jeannine Allison

  We were a sweaty, panting, heaping mess. And I loved it.

  I loved him.

  He pulled my face from his neck, and held it as he looked into my eyes. We were both daring each other to say those three little words we were both thinking. And then, together, we just smiled. We knew. We’d always known. We didn’t need words, not when we finally had everything else.

  Hunter’s hands ghosted over my skin as we lay there, curled around each other. We were chest to chest, the sheets crumpled at the end of the bed. I could still feel the sweat on us, but we’d yet to get cold.

  “Can I see?” he asked. One of his palms stopped and rested against the tattoo I knew he’d seen over the last few hours of sex.

  I nodded before moving back and turning around.

  He was quiet for a few minutes. I cleared my throat. “It’s—”

  “A phoenix,” he murmured, cutting me off. I felt him trace over the small tattoo of a bird rising from the flames trying to consume it.

  No one knew about it. Not even Derek. I had it done almost a year ago. It was small and simple, located on my back where I could keep it hidden underneath my bra.

  “I know it’s kind of a cliché.” I laughed nervously.

  I barely felt the whisper-soft kiss Hunter placed over the ink before he turned me around and gently held my face. “There’s not a single thing about you that’s commonplace. I think it’s perfect,” he whispered.

  “Me too.” I looked down at my hands resting on his knees. “I hate that it’s so perfect.” My voice cracked at the end, and I crumbled against his chest and cried. I cried for him. For me. For my parents. For everything we’d ever lost.

  When I finally calmed down, Hunter pulled me back to look at my face. He helped me wipe away my tears while giving me a small, reassuring smile.

  “Sorry,” I mumbled. “It’s probably not too good for your ego to have a girl crying after sex.”

  He laughed. “Babe, there’s no need to worry about that.”

  Without another word, we got ready for bed. I turned off the light while he grabbed the sheets. We settled in the middle of the bed, his arm wrapped around my waist, and the covers tucked up to my chin. I felt perfectly cocooned, safe in a way I hadn’t in years.

  We had missed so much time, and even though we’d discussed a lot, he had only been back in my life for three days. Was this too fast?

  The out of context answer would most definitely be yes. Except it didn’t feel fast, it only felt right. And I think, at the end of the day, that was the only thing we could really worry about.

  Maybe it was idealistic to believe in the power of a soul mate, and naïve to think our victories would outweigh our struggles, and perhaps it was just pure optimism to think love would conquer all. But that was all they were… maybes. So how could I compare a maybe to a definite? I couldn’t—I wouldn’t—and it didn’t matter if no one else understood.

  I definitely loved him, and for right now that was all that mattered.

  Sherry woke up gasping for air, tears clinging to her eyelashes as she took in her surroundings.

  “Sherry?” I asked, quickly turning on the light and keeping it to the lowest setting. Turning back toward her, I grabbed her shoulders and pulled her into my chest. “What’s wrong?”

  She shook her head against me and pushed her fists hard into my back.

  “Was it a nightmare?”

  “No.” Her hiccups jolted both of our bodies for several minutes until she calmed down. “No nightmares. Just dreams… memories.”

  I frowned. “And that’s a bad thing?”

  She pulled away and leaned against the headboard. “The nightmare usually comes when I wake up.”

  “I don’t understand,” I pleaded.

  “For the first year or so after…” She trailed off and cleared her throat. “I had the best dreams. My mom taking me shopping, my dad taking me to basketball games, you”—she smiled as she traced my lips with her fingers—“kissing me.”

  I grabbed her hand and brought it to my chest, rubbing my thumb along the back. “And that made you sad?”

  “No, but eventually I woke up… alone, all of you gone.”

  “The nightmare,” I whispered, my hand tightening on hers.

  “Yeah.”

  My eyes closed as my head fell. I might never know the true depths of how much I’d hurt her, but I was willing to spend the rest of my life making up for it. Moving next to her and leaning against the headboard, I spread my legs and patted the spot in between. Sherry immediately crawled over and settled with her back against my chest. My arms easily came around her, my chin resting on her shoulder and my lips at her ear.

  “Sherry, you’re not alone anymore. I’m here, and I’m never leaving you again. I promise.” She stiffened, and I knew she was thinking about the last time I said those words.

  “I promise,” I repeated. She relaxed some, leaning her head against my shoulder and closing her eyes. Taking care to jostle her as little as possible, I reached over and turned off the light.

  I pressed a light kiss to her shoulder before smiling against her skin. “You wanna know the first thing I thought when I saw you? I’m not talking about your birthday. I’m talking about when I really saw you for the first time. There’s a difference between seeing and looking. And when I was a kid that was all I was doing… just looking. But when I first saw you, I didn’t know how I missed it for so long. Just how incredible you are.” I felt Sherry’s throat bob as she swallowed roughly. I paused, twisting my head to look at her. She was staring down at our entwined hands.

  “You were the first person to show me kindness. To make me feel joy when all I wanted was to cry.” I cleared my throat as some of the bitter memories tried to sneak through.

  “I always knew you were special, but there was this one day in particular where I truly realized how irreplaceable you are. It was a random day; I think I was around fourteen. Honestly I don’t even remember what we were doing, I just remember feeling overwhelmed by you.”

  I didn’t know if our relationship was sweeter because we had been friends first, because we fell in love in the purest way possible before we felt anything else. But what I did know was that I was never going to find out if it was any different with someone else. Sherry was it. The end. There was no one else, and there never would be, and I really needed her to believe that right now.

  “I know I shouldn’t put all my happiness on one person,” I started again. “But I can’t help it. You’re what my heart has decided to love more than anything else. You’re who I was meant to live for.

  “When you were crying on the roof the other day, I stared at the gaping distance between us, the one I started and the one I let grow into a chasm over the last four years, and it seemed impossible to get back to each other. I still can’t believe it’s only been days and you’ve given me this chance.” Closing my eyes, I buried my face in her hair, breathing in the scent of her conditioner, the scent of being home, before lifting my head.

  “And although some things have changed, you’re still as beautiful as you were in high school. Like so damn beautiful I can’t breathe. Like stop-whatever-I’m-doing-and-think-about-how-beautiful-you-are beautiful. And it isn’t about your long, wrap-it-around-my-wrist-as-I-fuck-you hair, or your flawless skin with those innocent freckles that make me want to lick each one. It isn’t your eyes or your lips or your body—even though those are all incredible and have me hard in a minute.” She chuckled and it brought a smile to my face.

  “You’re so beautiful because I look at you and I see everything that’s good in the world. I see the best part of humanity in you. You’re the rose in a world full of thorns, and the rainbow at the end of a storm. You’re the light people crawl through darkness for. You’re the good that balances out all the bad. You—”

  Cutting me off, she quickly turned around and grabbed the back of my neck before smashing her lips against mine. It was probably a good thing, because I had been fla
t-out rambling at this point.

  There was nothing innocent or tender about it. She shoved her tongue in my mouth and my hands landed on her ass. Her fingers gripped my shoulders as she ground down on me. Almost as quickly as she started, she stopped.

  “Hunter, I forgive you. Okay?” Sherry implored. “I have no choice, because you’re what my heart has decided to love more than anything else, too. Without you, what would I have left? I don’t want to live like I have been for the past four years. You may have hurt me, but I also think you’ll save me.” Her lips met mine in a soft kiss. “And by the way, even if I had a choice, I would still choose you. I’ll always choose you.”

  She was smiling now, and I felt everything inside me shift and settle into place.

  “It’s kinda crazy to love someone this much,” she whispered, her voice giddy and light.

  “Yeah. But that’s what it’s all about, right?”

  “What is?” Sherry drew small, soft circles on my bare chest.

  “Life.” I paused to drop a kiss on her forehead. “People may not understand us. They may make fun of us. But they’re the ones who are missing out. They’re the ones I pity. Not everyone gets this, Sherry. And I’m damn certain even less get a second chance with it.”

  She grinned as she leaned back a little, her bright green eyes dancing over my face. “You’ve become quite the sweet talker, haven’t you?”

  I didn’t answer her with words; instead I laid her down and showed her. It was early in the morning and we were blanketed in darkness, and when we finally succumbed to our desires, it felt sweeter than it had hours before.

  We were silent as we resumed our positions from earlier, my body wrapped around hers. And I wanted so badly to turn her over and tell her everything, to divulge the last of my secrets, but it seemed like it would hurt more.

  Everything felt different in the dark. Sounds were louder, love was sweeter, and heartache became almost crippling. Maybe because we didn’t have our eyes and we were forced to use one less sense, opening us up to the truth of humanity. Like I said earlier, looking and seeing were two completely different things, and feeling, not looking, was the only way to truly see.

  I wasn’t sure what she would see if I told her now. This night had been perfect, and I wanted that perfection to last just a little bit longer.

  So I stayed silent and let her fall asleep in my arms, and all the while I whispered assurances that I would be there when she woke up.

  Sherry immediately noticed my mood the next morning, but didn’t bring it up until breakfast. We were still in my hotel room, eating the room service I’d had delivered while she was in the shower.

  “Is everything okay?” she asked softly. I guess my silence lasted too long because she blew out an exasperated breath. “Hunter, if this is going to work we need to be completely honest with each other. There are things we both kept secret in order to protect one another.”

  My head snapped up.

  What had she kept from me? Was it about my father?

  She must have seen my panic because she shook her head and laid her hand on my leg. “Calm down, it’s nothing too terrible. I just think we need to really clear the air. Be completely transparent—that’s the only way we can move forward.”

  Nodding, I rolled the sausage along my plate with my fork. She was right, of course she was. But I was still terrified of how she would react once she knew what I did. However, now I was too curious about the secrets she was hiding. “Nothing too terrible” still didn’t sound good to me.

  When I looked up, her green eyes were waiting for me. “You’re right. Where do you wanna start?”

  “The beginning of the end.”

  17 years old

  SHE WAS GONE.

  I came home one day and all of her stuff was no longer there. Her car wasn’t in the driveway. Her shoes weren’t lined up by the front door. There were no fresh-cut flowers on the kitchen table, and the floral scent of her perfume wasn’t lingering throughout the house.

  As I slowly walked to my parents’ bedroom, my heart was beating fast, already knowing what I’d find. Sure enough, Mom’s half of the closet was empty, and like a cliché in a movie, two of her dresser drawers were haphazardly hanging out, like she was in too much of a hurry to close them.

  Dad’s business had been getting better and he’d even talked about moving into a new house. Something bigger and better; more fit for the queen my mother was, was how he pitched it to her. But my mom didn’t want to move. She liked the house and the friends she had in the neighborhood.

  I remembered a fight, which as of late, was unusual in our house. My father hadn’t hit me in years. I was too big, and his life was too good apparently. He didn’t need a punching bag. So I’d largely been ignored, which was fine by me. So an argument was a pretty big deal, because my father never fought with my mom. When I was younger, I was grateful he never laid a hand on her. I hated the thought that I couldn’t protect her if he ever changed directions. But he never did, and that gratefulness slowly gave way to resentment as I watched her have no trouble letting him hit me.

  And while he’d still never hit her, it was rare for him to even yell at her. So their screaming match had me paying attention. It wasn’t normal, even if it had always been my normal.

  “Richard.” She sounded tired, and I heard the clink of her wineglass as she set it on our kitchen table.

  “What, Cathy? What do you want me to do?”

  I heard her pick the wineglass back up and I could only imagine the large gulp she took. “I want you to quit this shit. Get out of the game while you still can.”

  “You know that isn’t how it works, baby. Besides, it’s good money. Really good money. Can you deny that?”

  A breath left her; she was defeated. “No, I can’t. But is it worth it? You’re never home and when you are, your head is still there. I’m not happy anymore. You’ve become obsessed.”

  “Cathy—”

  “No,” she said sharply. “I don’t want this life. I don’t want to constantly be looking over my shoulder or worried about you.”

  It didn’t escape my notice that my safety, or existence for that matter, wasn’t a concern.

  “You have to choose, Richard. Me or this life.”

  It seemed he chose, and it wasn’t her. Or maybe she got tired of waiting for him to make a choice. I didn’t know, and honestly, I didn’t care.

  No part of me loved them anymore. Maybe I’d loved them when I was really young and didn’t know any better. But ever since I met Sherry and hung out with her and her family, I saw what love really was. And it wasn’t the shit I saw at home.

  So even though it made me a horrible person, I didn’t care that she was gone. What did concern me was that my father was miserable. Nothing ever went well for me when he was sad or angry.

  He was spiraling, completely lost without her. That was one positive thing I could say about my father; for as much of a bastard as he was to me, he loved my mother. He treated her well and loved her fiercely. And this broke him.

  The tiniest part of me felt bad for him. I couldn’t imagine losing Sherry. It would completely crush me, and I was so glad I’d never have to worry about that.

  I’d yet to tell her my mom was gone. I knew the reaction she would have, and I didn’t want her to worry. Logically I knew I couldn’t keep it from her forever; she’d notice eventually, but I was struggling with how to tell her. Not with everything else going so well.

  We’d been going strong for almost a year and a half, had just started our senior year, and were looking at colleges to apply to. I couldn’t have asked for anything more.

  Right now we were lounging around in her room as I thought about how to tell her. I must have been making a face, because all of sudden Sherry was hovering over me, her expression pinched with concern.

  “What’s wrong?”

  “Nothing, Sher bear.” I reached up and ruffled her hair. Apparently my smile looked as forced as it felt becau
se her eyes narrowed.

  “Don’t lie to me. I can see it all over your face.”

  “What are the chances I can get you to drop it?”

  Her frown deepened. “Is this about your mom?” Sherry asked after a moment of silence. “I saw her leaving a couple of days ago; her car was completely packed. I was just waiting for you to tell me.”

  I brought her closer, kissing her on the forehead before wrapping my arms around her. “I didn’t want you to worry.”

  “Too late,” she mumbled. “Your dad…”

  “Nothing has happened in years, Sherry.”

  She pulled away. “That was because he was happy, and he had your mother. You don’t know—”

  “Sherry, please,” I begged. “I’m barely home as it is. I have photography, this place, and hey—I didn’t tell you yet, but I got a job. Working as a busboy over at The Well.”

  Her lips were still downturned.

  “It’s only one more year. Less than that, and then we’ll be free of him—forever. I promise.”

  Her head was shaking, her fingers drawing hearts on my chest. “We should have said something years ago.”

  “Hey.” I lifted her chin until our eyes were locked. “I’m not worried, and I don’t want you to either, all right?”

  “But—”

  “No worrying,” I whispered before I placed a gentle kiss on her lips.

  “Promise you’ll come to me if anything starts to feel amiss.” She pulled my hand up to her chest. “I know you think because you’re bigger now that he can’t do harm, but… I’m still nervous. He makes me nervous.”

  “I promise,” I responded solemnly.

  Her nod was hesitant, but she still leaned forward and kissed me. I eased her down, letting her cheek rest against my heartbeat as I rubbed her back.

  I’d be turning eighteen in a couple months, and Sherry a few months after that. But there were days when I felt a million years older. Days when I actually felt the decisions I was making like weights on my shoulders.