Crystals

by Theresa L. Henry

  If his heart weren't already broken, her plea for understanding would have shattered it. He had had a son. A child he would never know. Would never hold in his arms. He should have been there for her—for their child. And he would have been if others hadn’t interfered in their lives.

  With unashamed tears coursing down his cheeks. Shane tightened his arms around her and pulled her into him. Together, for the first time they both cried for their loss.

  “Tell me. Tell me everything. Please, I need to know everything,” he pleaded his mind in turmoil.

  “Do you believe me, that I didn’t do anything wrong? Please say you do!” She begged through her tears.

  “I know you wouldn’t do anything to hurt our baby, Crys. I would never think that. I just need to hear about him.” His emotions were so overwhelming, Shane felt as though he was stuck in quicksand with no way to extricate himself from its grip.

  “My pregnancy went well. All my checkups said he was growing as he should. There was never anything on my scans that said otherwise.

  He was born in late August with a mighty roar. As soon as they placed him in my arms, he stopped crying. I think he knew who I was.”

  “He did, love. He knew who you were. You’d taken the best care of him for nine months.” Shane wanted to give them both comfort with his words. She needed to believe that their son had recognized her touch. While he needed to know that his baby had felt the love of a parent at the moment of his birth.

  “He was so perfect, Shane. I counted all his little fingers and toes. When we were settled in our room, I couldn’t stop kissing and looking at him.

  My mother stayed with me all through his birth. She was my rock. Never once during my pregnancy did she say or do anything to berate me.

  She must have called everyone because before I knew it, my whole family was there. Aunt Evelyn, Uncle Omar, Fern, Dizzy and even Dara turned up…”

  Her choice of words at the mention of Dara indicated that something had changed in their relationship. But he didn’t comment on it. Dara could wait. For now, he was only interested in his son.

  “I was secretly glad when they all left. I know that sounds selfish, but I wanted him all to myself. I spent hours just watching him. The nurses had to persuade me to go and have a shower while he was asleep. They said that he would be okay, that they would keep an eye on him for me. They promised or I wouldn’t have left him.

  As I made my way back to the ward, doctors and nurses rushed past me. My heart lurched and started to pound in my chest. Somehow I knew all the activity was for my baby. For a moment, I couldn’t move. I saw a closed curtain. I counted and recounted the beds that led to mine, hoping I had made a mistake. But I knew I hadn’t. I didn’t want to have to pull back the curtains. If I did, it would make whatever was going on behind them real. I knew it was bad. I could feel it.” Crystal broke off and even though he held her as tight as he could, she attempted to begin her rocking motion.

  “I’m here now. I’ve got you. You don’t have to bear this alone anymore. I’ll do my part, I promise.” Shane had meant for his words to be of comfort, but they only made her cry harder. “This is too difficult for you. Try to get some rest and we’ll talk later.”

  “No… I have to tell you now. I have to get it all out.”

  “Are you sure, Crys?” Riddled with doubts of her emotional state, Shane had no option other than to accept her nod of certainty.

  “Till the day I die, I will never forget the scene when I pulled back those blue curtains. There were so many hands on him, touching him, pulling at him. I know they were trying to help, but all I wanted to do was scream at them to stop hurting my baby.

  When they noticed me, they tried to pull me away, but I wouldn’t go. The next thing I remember with any clarity was the doctors telling me they were sorry. That they had tried everything, but my baby was gone. As stupid as it sounds, my first instinct was to ask gone where? But at the same time, deep down I understood they were trying to spare my feelings with their choice of words.”

  As gently as he could, Shane turned her around so they were face to face. “What did he die of, Crys?”

  “I don’t know. I couldn’t let them perform a post mortem. I couldn’t let them cut him open.”

  After she had answered what he knew was a hard question, she broke eye contact. It was almost as though she was afraid of how he would react to the decision she had taken.

  “I get that. If I’d been there, I don’t know if I could have allowed them to do that either.”

  “Thank you for saying that. From what I was able to find out, his death probably had something to do with some form of birth trauma.”

  “What does that mean?”

  “It was a long, difficult birth. They were about to take me for a caesarean section when he came in a rush. In fact he was born so quickly, I remember one of the nurses screamed. From what they said, the suddenness of his delivery could have had something to do with why he…”

  When she trailed off, Shane jumped in. “I think I understand. I’m sorry I let you down. Can you forgive me?”

  “I think I may have hated you back then. But you didn’t even know I was pregnant, so there’s nothing to forgive.”

  Shane placed a finger below her chin and raised her face, but she avoided his gaze, as though she were having difficulty facing him. Resting his head on his bent arm, he used his free hand to brush against her face.

  When she finally looked at him, he didn’t try to hide the grief for their loss. It was on full display. He wanted her to see that knowing about their child was enough for him to love and grieve for him. And he thought about how much worse it must be for her. To have carried their son securely under her heart for so long only to have him snatched away so abruptly.

  Shane used his thumb to brush away her tears. “I want to share everything you feel. I can’t bring our boy back, but I want to share the weight of his passing.”

  For endless minutes, they laid on their sides and looked into each other’s eyes. Her hand reached up and brushed away his tears before she stroked his jaw to offer him comfort. With each tender caress, he knew that with time, they would both be okay. But first, they needed to mourn their son together.

  They said nothing more for a long time. They just exchanged light touches and kisses whenever moved to do so.

  Shane watched Crystal’s eyes open for the third time as she resisted the healing slumber of sleep. On the fourth occasion, they remained closed. For long moments, all he did was stare at her.

  They should have had a life together. No parent should have gone through what she did alone. He didn’t know if his son would have lived had he been there. All he knew was that he would give up everything he possessed to have just one minute with his child—to hold him in his arms. To feel that new life nestled against his heart.

  Her eyes flew open as though even while she slept her mind remained active. “I have pictures. Do you want to see photos of Finn?”

  “You remembered?”

  “I hope you don’t mind.”

  “Of course I don’t mind.”

  “I remembered the story you told me about our son’s namesake. Even though you only met him once, I think he made a huge impression on your life. In my silent moments after our Finn died, I hoped your great grandfather would find our baby and look after him for us.”

  “Ah, love, of course, he found him. And I know he’s keeping our boy safe.”

  When she finally fell asleep, this time in earnest, Shane watched her for hours even though his mind raced with a thousand questions.

  Needing a distraction, he slowly eased himself from the bed, dressed and made his way down the stairs.

  His gym was one of the few completed rooms in the house and that was where he went. He needed to vent some of his pent up emotions. If he didn’t, he might well do something rash.

  An hour later, sweat dripped from his body and his injured leg shook from over exertion. It was exactly what he need
ed, but it hadn’t taken his mind off what he had to do.

  Taking a shower in the changing room off the gym, he dressed and made his way to the kitchen. For him, cooking was a form of relaxation. Plus, Crystal would be hungry when she woke up. Even though his mind was in turmoil, her well-being was his first concern.

  Setting out the ingredients necessary for a stew, Shane stood looking down at them with unseeing eyes. Walking to the phone attached to the wall, he punched in two digits and waited for an answer.

  “Get over here now and don’t bring the dogs!” Not waiting for a response, he disconnected the call.

  In the midst of chopping vegetables with more forcefulness than they warranted, the door opened and Emmie hurried in. Shane made her wait, not acknowledging her until he finished what he was doing and the stew was in the oven. When he finally glanced her way, her look of apprehension was clear.

  “I trusted you.”

  Emmie didn’t pretend misunderstanding of his accusation. “I’m sorry. I tried to make things right as soon as I could.”

  “Is this supposed to compensate for the way you interfered in my life?”

  “No, I guess not. But please let me explain.”

  “What makes you think there’s anything you could say that would make this right. You will never know what I’ve lost because you decided not to tell me Crystal tried to contact me.” Unaware of what he was doing, as he spoke, he repeatedly dug the point of the knife into the chopping board.

  “I’m sorry, Shane.”

  “Fuck ya sorry!”

  “Shane!” Emmie gasped.

  In all the years he had known her, he had never raised his voice to her. But then she had never so completely broken his trust.

  “What I’ve lost I’ll never get back!”

  He could see he was scaring her and he didn’t care. She deserved to be afraid of him. The way he felt, all she needed to do was say one word to annoy him and he might just wring her neck.

  “What. What have you lost?” Emmie asked in a whisper.

  “My son. I lost a son that I’ll never know. All because you decided not to tell me Crystal had tried to contact me!”

  Her expression of shock was real but it meant nothing to him.

  “Oh God, Shane. I’m so sorry!”

  “What’re you sorry about? The fact that you took away my choice—or because I lost my son?”

  “Both. You know I mean both. I didn’t know about the baby,” Emmie shook her head as though attempting to convince him with more than her words.

  “If you’d known, would you have told me?” She hung her head and Shane had his answer. “Why Emmie?”

  “Ollie.”

  Before the name left her mouth, he already had a sinking feeling of what her response would be.

  It was then he knew he had to revise his thinking. Gwendolyn had her faults, but she had nothing to do with his attack. He had spent so much time and energy holding Crystal’s mother accountable when he should have been looking much more closely at his partner, and so called friend.

  A sound caused them both to look at the door. Crystal stood on the threshold watching Emmie with a blank expression. Glancing between the women, Shane wondered what thoughts were going through their minds.

  “I’m so sorry for your loss, Crystal.”

  Crystal stared at Emmie for so long, Shane though she wasn’t going to acknowledge her offer of condolence. Finally, there was an inclination of her head before she looked away.

  “Are you hungry, Crys?”

  “I’ll make you both something. How about a sandwich and some coffee?” Emmie asked already moving towards the kettle.

  “No thank you,” Crystal politely declined and left the kitchen.

  “She hates me, doesn’t she?” Emmie asked staring at the place the other woman had stood only moments before.

  “Nah, Crys doesn’t do hate. Or at least she didn’t in the past. So, why don’t you tell me something that will stop me from hating you?”

  Throughout her summation of what had taken place almost five years ago, Shane listened without interruption. He understood now. Emmie’s mother had died just before his accident. Ollie couldn’t hurt her anymore.

  “Why didn’t you come to me?”

  “You didn’t see those photos of Mum. He had images of her leaving her house, walking through the supermarket. God, Shane, he even had pictures of her house at night with only her bedroom light showing! I was scared. How was I supposed to live with myself if he’d hurt her?”

  A stillness overcame him. He had only ever felt this way a handful of times in his entire life. Shane was glad Crystal was still in his house and needed him. Otherwise, he would get into his car, find Ollie and commit murder.

  “I understand.” He knew she wanted to hear him say that everything was all right, but that would be the biggest lie of his life. A part of him had lost something that would never be replaced, and his anger was still too close to the surface. “I think you should leave now.”

  “Are you firing me?”

  “Did I say that?” Shane snapped giving her a sharp look.

  “Not in so many words, but…”

  “Go back to the cottage, Emmie. You’re not my favorite person right now, but I understand why you behaved in the way you did.”

  “Shane,” Emmie called as she held open the door to leave, “please tell Crystal how sorry I am.”

  “Do you think that will help?”

  “No, maybe not. But please tell her anyway.”

  He could blame Emmie all he liked, but one fact ate away at him. He could have contacted Crystal, but his ego had stood in the way. In this, he was as much at fault as her—and he would have to live with that regret for the rest of his life.

  With Emmie gone, Shane checked on their meal and made Crystal a cup of tea. Then he went in search of her. He found her in the sitting room, perched on the window seat, looking out the window. She appeared lost in thought, her computer forgotten beside her.

  “Did she leave?” Crystal asked without looking away from the window.

  “She’s gone back to the cottage. Here, drink this,” Shane said handing her the cup. She accepted it and he watched as she took a sip.

  With a nod, he moved away and added more logs to the fire. Slowly the embers caught the larger pieces of wood and flames began to dance in the grate. He sat down on the rug and turned to look at Crystal only to see her watching him.

  “Join me?”

  In silence, she sat down the cup, got up and reached for her tablet. Without seeming thought, when she reached him, she pulled his legs apart and sat between them. With her resting against his chest, Shane encircled her in his arms.

  “How are you feeling?”

  “Better, now that you know.”

  Shane nodded and dropped a kiss on her neck. “What are you doing with that thing?” He asked raising his chin in the direction of the computer.

  “I had loads of missed phone messages from my family. They worry about me when they can’t reach me. I couldn’t face the barrage of questions I knew I had coming, so I sent them emails.”

  What she said troubled him. He didn’t want to ask the question, but he knew he had to. “Did you try to hurt yourself when Finn died?”

  “What? No, of course, I didn’t!”

  Shane stared at her attempting to detect anything that would indicate she wasn’t telling him the truth. He found nothing. Just her usual open, honest expression.

  “If you’re up to it, I’d like to see those photos of Finn that you told me about.”

  Crystal smiled and turned her attention to her computer. Moments later he looked at the image of their son for the first time. As she moved through photo after photo, Shane made no attempt to stem his tears as he took in one of the most beautiful sights he had ever seen.

  He knew that he would forever mourn the child he would never know. But, having never been given that opportunity didn’t prevent him from loving him.

 
“He looks like me, doesn’t he, Crys?”

  “Yes, just like you. Look at all that black hair!”

  When the images came to an end. Shane asked her to start over. Each time he viewed another photo, he found something new to comment on. That was how they passed the rest of the afternoon. Together—just the three of them.

  Chapter 14

  That night as they lay in bed, Crystal closed her eyes and attempted to put herself in Shane’s place. At least she’d had the opportunity to hold their son. He hadn’t, and yet his sadness was no less than her own. Not liking the direction of her thoughts, she opened her eyes.

  Pulling out of his arms, she turned over to find Shane awake and his gaze steady on her. His eyes were still so sad that she brushed her hand against his now clean-shaven cheek, and she knew he was still unable to find rest.

  “I want to make love.”

  “Are you sure, Crys?”

  “Yes, I’m sure. But there’s something I have to ask you first.”

  “Of course. You can ask me anything. I’ll always be honest with you.”

  “I don’t know if I really believe that.”

  “Where’s this coming from?” Shane frowned.

  “Yesterday, when we made…”

  “Tell me.”

  Taking a deep breath, she realized she had been fooling herself. There would always be something between them. Defining that intangible emotion was where things grew difficult. Her only certainty in a sea of ambiguity was that if they were to move forward, whether, as friends or lovers, they had to be completely honest with each other.

  When they had made love the night before, she had done so as a form of closure. Yes, she had missed him and the way he made her feel. But she had gone through too much to put herself in a position where she could be hurt again.

  Being with him like this was almost as though they had rolled back the years. In the deepest part of her heart, she would always choose Shane. But, she wouldn’t hesitate to walk away if they couldn’t find a common ground.

  “When we made love… when we had sex, I–”

  “Why did you change your words?”

  “Because although it felt wonderful, I don’t feel as though you were making love to me. I could feel it—tell the difference. At first, I didn’t understand. Then earlier today, when I told you about Finn, those emotions were real. You didn’t hold anything back from me. Yesterday was different. I may not have understood then—but I do now.”