All of You

by Jenni Wilder

  “Lincoln, I’m going to take a lot of work. I want to be with you, but I’m incredibly terrified. I can’t promise I won’t freak out again.”

  “If you want to be with me, then nothing else matters, Princess. We’ll make it work. We’ll figure it out. I know how strong you are. I know you are strong enough overcome all the pain in your past. I will help you fight whatever you’re afraid of. And I will do whatever it takes to make you happy, baby, because you deserve it. You just have to be honest with me, okay? No more hiding. No more running. Okay?”

  “I will never be able to tell you what an incredible man you are, Lincoln.” I lifted up on my toes and tilted my chin up. He wrapped his arms around my waist and brought his lips down to mine. We kissed briefly before Lincoln suggested we head back.

  I climbed back on the snowmobile and wrapped my arms around his chest once more. As Lincoln drove us back to his house, I thought about how terrified I had been last night at the thought of him discovering my scars. Now he knew about them. I wondered how he would react when… if… he finally saw them. Knowing him, he would act like they didn’t matter. He would still tell me he thought I was beautiful. I was smart enough to know that wouldn’t be the truth. I sighed to myself and clutched him tighter. I was going to have faith in him and trust him. He deserved as much.

  ~~~~~~~~

  “What time is your flight tomorrow?” I asked Lincoln as I walked into his man cave after changing clothes. We had returned from our outing, and he hadn’t made any indication that it was time for me to leave.

  He had given me some old sweatpants and a T-shirt to wear so I would be comfortable after I changed out of his snowmobile clothes. I had to pull the drawstring on the pants as tight as possible and cuff the hem at least four times. The T-shirt sleeves came to my elbows and the neckline hung off one shoulder but it worked. I liked wearing his clothes. It made me feel close to him even if we weren’t there yet physically.

  “Baby, are there any clothes you don’t look beautiful in?” he asked as he saw me for the first time wearing his sweats. He had changed into flannel pajama pants and a T-shirt, and I wondered what we were doing for the rest of the night.

  I blushed and tugged on the bottom of the shirt. “They’re a little big,” I said stating the obvious.

  “I’ll get you some that fit better,” Lincoln said.

  “Oh, you don’t have to do that,” I objected.

  “Jillian, don’t argue.”

  I relented, rolling my eyes. He grabbed my hand as he walked to the couch. He collapsed into it and pulled me down to sit sideways on his lap, draping one arm over my legs and winding the other one around my lower back.

  “So what time is your flight?” I repeated and snuggled into his chest.

  He tightened his grip on me. “Early,” he said sounding uncomfortable.

  “How early?”

  He sighed. “Seven.”

  “Your flight leaves at seven a.m.??” I asked, pulling back to look into his eyes. He nodded. “What happened to you not being a morning person?”

  “Oh, I’m still not a morning person, but I didn’t want to leave tonight.”

  “Was that an option?” I asked, confused.

  He nodded. “Most of the team left tonight, but I didn’t want to leave you.” I looked at him with confusion. “Jillian, you weren’t answering your phone. I had a moment of panic. I wasn’t going to leave you if you were thinking about kicking me to the curb.”

  “You’re getting up at the butt crack of dawn tomorrow so you could spend the evening with me?” I was astounded.

  “Don’t leave. Stay with me tonight. I’ll behave myself. I just don’t want to be apart from you yet.” His eyes pleaded with me.

  My heart clenched. He looked at me with such hopeful yet sad eyes. I touched his face with my fingertips, and I was overcome by how much this man seemed to care for me. Staying the night seemed like a big step, even if we were going to behave ourselves, but I could see how much Lincoln wanted me to stay and I couldn’t deny him. Despite how I felt this morning, I didn’t want to be anywhere else right now.

  I nodded, and Lincoln smiled at me with relief on his face. I knew he was content with just having me here tonight, nothing more. He had promised to behave himself, but I needed him to know I wanted him. I wished I had to words to tell him how wonderful a person he was and how much I already cherished him. I thought maybe I could show him. So I leaned in and kissed him, pouring all my feelings for this man into the kiss. It was a deep, passionate kiss. My arms wound around his neck and I pulled my body as close to his as I could despite my awkward angle.

  Lincoln kept his hands still, not wandering this time. I was grateful he seemed to understand I didn’t want him near my scars. Not yet. We continued to kiss, our tongues dancing and sliding against together. I let out a whimper, and I could feel Lincoln ball his hands into fists at my hips. I could tell he was desperately trying not to touch me.

  I sat up, breaking the kiss. I pushed against his chest and moved my legs to straddle him and sat back down on him. I leaned into him and kissed him again. I had never been so clearly in control of our passion like this before and it was obvious Lincoln was enjoying it. He moaned, and I felt his bulge hardening under me. I rocked against it and felt tingles of pleasure at my core.

  Lincoln’s hands were still at my hips but when I moved to rub against him again, he gripped my hips to stop me. “Jillian… if you keep doing that, I’m not going to be able to behave myself.”

  I looked at him with a naughty grin and rocked against him again. He gave a small groan. “You can behave yourself.” I kissed him on his neck and then whispered into his ear, “That doesn’t mean I have to.”

  His face looked torn. I could tell he was conflicted. He didn’t want me to stop, but he didn’t want to push me. It was only last night I had freaked out on him when he tried to touch me.

  “Baby…” he said before I covered his mouth with mine. I kissed him deeply, and he gripped my hips tightly while kissing me back. I rocked against him again and moaned into his mouth. He felt so good against me. “Jillian…” he moaned my name as he broke our kiss. I moved my mouth to his neck and began kissing and sucking on his soft skin below his ear.

  I let my hands drift down from around his neck. I skimmed over his shirt and felt the outline of his chest muscles. I drifted my hands farther down and slipped my fingers under the waistband of his pajama pants, caressing the ridges of his abdominal muscles. I moved my mouth back to kiss him and pushed my tongue into his mouth.

  I slipped my hand farther into his pajama bottoms and felt the coarse hairs at the base of his shaft. He automatically flexed his hips up toward me and moaned. I let my fingertips linger over him, touching him lightly before clasping him in my hand and gently stroking him up and down. I could hardly believe the pleasure I got just from being able to please him.

  He flexed his hips underneath me again as I continued to stroke him. I pulled back to look at him, and he let his head fall back against the couch and opened his eyes to meet my gaze. He let out a jagged breath. I gave him another naughty smile and stroked him again. He closed his eyes before I kissed him quick on the mouth and removed my hands from his pants and stood up. He looked at me with confusion until I dropped to my knees on the floor in front of him. His eyes flew open wide as I settled between his legs, running my hands up his thighs to his waistband. I began pulling his pants down when Lincoln grabbed my hands and stopped me. He looked down at me with a pained look on his face. “Jillian, stop. You don’t have to…”

  “I want to,” I told him and tried to pull my hands free from his.

  “Princess... “ He breathed, releasing my hands and shifting his hips so I could remove the obstructing clothing. His shaft stood hard and firm, free of obstacles and I admired it as I grasped him and ran my hand up and down. He groaned softly. I had never seen anything so arousing as Lincoln being pleasured. I wanted him inside me, but for now, I would settle for havin
g him in my mouth.

  I had never done this before, but I wanted him to feel good. I looked up at him, and I lowered my head. I ran my tongue from the bottom to the tip. He closed his eyes and dropped his head back against the couch again with a loud groan. I took the tip of him between my lips, and he flexed his hips, encouraging me to take him in my mouth.

  Concentrating on the gasps of pleasure that Lincoln was making, I slowly took more of him into my mouth. I sucked as I pulled back, and I heard him curse and groan. Encouraged by his noises, I did it again. He thrust into my mouth and placed a hand on the back of my head, fisting my hair. I didn’t feel like he was holding my head down, but I took it as an indication of his loss of control and surrendering to his pleasure. “Oh God, Jillian. That feels amazing.”

  I bobbed my head in his lap repeatedly, concentrating solely on giving him the most pleasure I could until he attempted to push me away. “Jillian… stop… I’m going to…” he managed to stutter. But I wasn’t going to stop now. I took his hard, thick shaft as deep as I could.

  He gasped and pushed uncontrollably into my mouth as he called out my name. I heard him grunt gutturally a second before feeling him explode in the back of my throat. I sucked and swallowed repeatedly, feeling all the tension release from his body.

  He let go of my hair, and I pulled away from him, sitting back on my feet. His eyes were closed, his head back. He was breathing heavy, and his arms were out to the sides, palms up. He looked utterly spent, and I smiled to myself. I loved that I was able to give him that much pleasure. I loved that I could make him happy. I loved that he cared for me, and I wanted to return those feelings to him. A worry crept into my mind once again, telling me it was too soon to have these feelings for him, but I pushed it aside and tried to enjoy this moment.

  I stood up and sat next to Lincoln’s semiconscious body on the couch, still smiling to myself. He opened one eye and looked at me. “That was incredible. I don’t think I can move,” he said. I giggled and felt proud of myself.

  Despite what he just said, Lincoln reached down and pulled his pajama pants back into place before grabbing my arm and pulling me up next to him. I cuddled against his chest. He rubbed my back and asked, “Have you ever done that before?” I blushed and shook my head and attempted to hide my face against his chest. “No? Mm… well, that makes it even better.” He moved quickly and leaned me back against the couch until he was lying down on top of me, holding his weight on his forearms. He rubbed his nose against mine and asked, “Shall I repay the favor?”

  He didn’t give me time to answer. He covered my mouth with his and kissed me deeply. Our tongues teased and caressed, and I moaned. My body melted against his and I felt desire pool in my stomach.

  Lincoln moved his mouth to my neck and I gasped as he kissed and licked me. He found a sensitive spot on my neck, and when he brushed it with his tongue, my insides quivered. “Mm… Lincoln, that feels so good.”

  He moved a hand down to cup one of my breasts, and I gasped again as he rubbed my nipple through my shirt and bra. He was sending shocks of pleasure straight down to my core. He moved his mouth up to my ear. “Let me make you feel good,” he whispered and gently squeezed my hard nipple before moving his hand to my waistband.

  I clamped my hand around his wrist that was so close to my scars and pushed away from him. Ice-cold fear pushed any feelings of warm desire from me.

  “Please don’t. Please stop,” I said frantically, and immediately Lincoln sat up and retreated to the opposite side of the couch.

  I tugged at my shirt, pulling it down, even though nothing was exposed. I remained on my back and threw an arm over my face. “I’m sorry. I’m sorry,” I repeated to him with my face hiding in the crook of my elbow. I was so embarrassed.

  “Please don’t apologize, baby,” Lincoln said from across the couch.

  I didn’t move.

  “Please look at me,” he begged.

  I took a calming breath and sat up sideways on the couch, crossing my legs under me. I slowly lifted my eyes to meet his and found him looking at me with concern.

  “Don’t leave,” he pleaded.

  I shook my head. “I’m not. I won’t. I just…panicked for a second.”

  He slid down the couch, closer to me, watching with cautious eyes as if I might bolt at any second. “Can you tell me why?” He placed his hand on my knee and gave it a squeeze.

  I looked down and thought for a moment. I didn’t know how to phrase my excuse in a way that didn’t make me sound pathetic. “Lincoln,” I began and then stopped to clear my throat. “The last people to see my scars were Mackenzie and the bitches that helped her. And for weeks after their stunt, everyone on campus laughed at me and called me a freak show. I’m not proud of my scars. I would give anything to not have them. Then I could be normal and complete. I know you think they don’t matter; you think they won’t affect you. But to me they are embarrassing and ugly, and it terrifies me to think about you seeing them.” I hung my head in my hands and I felt him massage my knee.

  We were both quiet for a long while. I thought he must have been feeling helpless. I cleared my throat again and dropped my hands. “After the fire and after freshman year, I talked with a therapist. I’d stopped going the past few years, but I’m going to call him on Monday and see if I can talk to him again.”

  “Can I go with you?” Lincoln asked without even pausing. I looked at him with surprise. “I want to know what you’re thinking and feeling. I want to know how to help you.” He rubbed my knee again.

  “You’ve already done so much, Lincoln.”

  “I want to do more. I want you to trust me.”

  “Oh, I do trust you. I just... “ I paused. “These are my issues. Since I was ten years old, I’ve had to deal with how I look in the mirror. That’s a lot of years of negativity and self-doubt. And while you’ve been amazing—like seriously amazing, Lincoln—this is just something I will always struggle with. You can come to therapy if you want, but you might not like what you hear.”

  Lincoln grabbed my hands and pulled me against his chest before wrapping his arms around me. “I will do whatever it takes to make you realize you are my beautiful princess. I would like to go to therapy with you, if you feel comfortable with that.”

  I nodded against his chest and silently wished for strength. Strength to go to therapy with Lincoln. Strength to be able to trust myself. And strength that, someday, I would be comfortable in my own skin. I had something to fight for now. I wanted to be strong for Lincoln. He deserved it.

  Chapter Fifteen

  When I woke up the next morning, Lincoln was sitting on his bed, leaning over me. He was dressed in a suit and tie and looked delectable. I immediately sat up, confused and panicky. “Shh…. shh… go back to sleep,” Lincoln said, putting his hand on my shoulder and rubbing it comfortingly.

  I had spent the night. After my freak-out on the couch, Lincoln and I cuddled and talked more. Not about my scars or my messed-up issues of self-doubt. We talked about our childhoods and fun times with our siblings. We talked about trips we had taken as kids and places we wanted to go. I was feeling even more smitten by this man. Our personalities meshed so well together, and by the end of the night Lincoln had me crying with laughter over a story involving a family vacation at a hunting resort and a stuffed moose scaring Carter so badly he refused to go in the lodge.

  When it finally came time for bed, Lincoln made no hesitation when I crawled into his bed. He immediately wrapped his arms around me and pulled me close to him, tangling our legs together. We kissed briefly before saying good-night and the last thing I heard was Lincoln whispering to me how glad he was that I stayed. I fell asleep feeling happy and completely contented.

  “What time is it?” I asked Lincoln when he woke me. I subconsciously checked my clothing, making sure my scars were covered. It wasn’t an action I thought about. It was so engrained in me to hide my scars it had become involuntary.

  “Shh… it’s early. I
have to go, but you should go back to sleep.” Despite being freshly showered and shaved, Lincoln looked utterly exhausted. My heart clenched again as he pushed my hair back from my face. He was braving an early morning for me—his least favorite thing.

  “Oh. No. I should get up. You have to take me home,” I argued and began pushing the covers back.

  Lincoln grabbed my hands. “Stop. I want you to go back to sleep.” I looked at him with confusion. If I went back to sleep now and he left, I would be stuck at his house. I didn’t have my car here, and even if I called Rebecca to pick me up, Lincoln’s house was so hidden in the woods I was sure I wouldn’t be able to give my sister directions. “Go back to sleep,” Lincoln said. “And when you wake up and want to go home, call Kennedy. She’ll come get you.”

  My heart softened as Lincoln’s concern for me became obvious. “Oh, Lincoln. She doesn’t have to do that. I can go now. Besides I don’t have her number.”

  Lincoln leaned in and kissed my forehead. “I put her number in your phone. She’ll be waiting for you to call. I want you sleeping in my bed. I want you to sleep in and get a good amount of rest. You need it. Okay? Don’t worry about anything.”

  My emotions welled up. He made me feel completely cherished; I had never felt that before. I sat up farther and wrapped my arms around his neck, hugging him tightly. “I’ll miss you,” I said softly.

  His arms wrapped around me, and he pulled me tightly against himself. “Princess…I’ll miss you too. The last thing I want to do right now is walk out that door.” He pushed me down onto the bed and covered my body with his.

  He moved his arms up and propped himself up to look down at me. “I’m counting the hours until I get to see you again,” he said, and he kissed me deeply until the passion between us got to be too much. He pulled his lips away from mine and looked down at me. I could see the desire in his eyes. He took a deep breath and sighed. “I’ll see you later, baby.” He kissed me once more briefly and crawled off me. I felt such sadness at seeing him walk away from me, but as he got to the bedroom door, he turned and winked at me causing me to smile big before he left.