Insatiable

by Val

  Since then we’ve seen each other on several occasions, during which he has taken it for granted that I’m eventually bound to fall into his arms. He wants me to understand quite clearly that he is very sure of himself in that respect, and that sooner or later it will happen. I am starting to like him more and more, but I haven’t been to bed with him yet, as I usually do. This time I prefer to wait.

  We agreed to meet today just to talk. Jaime said he wanted to tell me all about his life, because he didn’t want to have any secrets from me. He told me the story of his marriage to his ex-wife, who now has breast cancer, and confessed that he had really loved her, but could never manage to stay faithful, and one day she had had enough and left him.

  He wanted to show me his weak points one by one, like someone going through a manual. That was also part of his elaborate strategy. And the way he told the story meant I could not stay unaffected. He still spoke with great authority, but it was as if he was very sorry for what he had done. I could feel myself being gradually seduced by his personality – by his failings above all, by the way he treated his women, all mixed together with an unconsciously paternal attitude. He told me that for seven years he had been in a relationship with an ex-model, Carolina. He said his passion for her had known no bounds, and that this relationship too had come to an end because he was unfaithful with another woman – who turned out to be none other than Carolina’s best friend. I soon realized the message he was trying to convey with every word he spoke: will you be the woman who can tame me? That was how he lured me: now he is a challenge for me.

  He also talked a lot about his two children, whom he only sees at weekends. I found his pride at being a father very touching. I suppose this was because it was a facet of his character I had not known until now, and also because as I approached thirty my female hormones were pushing me towards being a mother.

  25th June 1998

  Today I made love to Jaime for the first time since I met him. He came to my flat, which I welcomed him into with open arms, and we made love on the kitchen table. There was nothing out of this world about it. He seemed very tired, and I can understand that however much we’d like to be, we’re not always a hundred per cent. I must admit though I was rather disappointed. I thought it would be much more romantic. It only took five minutes, and for four of them I was trying to convince him to use a contraceptive.

  ‘Do you think a man of my age uses a condom? It’s total crap!’

  In the end, he gave in. But I know it didn’t exactly please him.

  Our Love Nest

  3rd July 1998

  IN THESE FIRST months of our relationship, Jaime is behaving like a perfect gentleman. Everything is going marvellously. Yet just occasionally, I can see and detect some odd things. Perhaps it’s only my imagination. I have never interfered in anyone else’s life before, but now I find myself looking into his diary, and feeling terribly guilty about it. I found coded entries, a sign that he is hiding something from me, but as yet I have no proof. In the end I chose not to worry too much about it, and we have gone on seeing each other. Then today at noon he asked me to go and live with him.

  15th July 1998

  We have to find somewhere to live together. We have already agreed on the district we would like: Barcelona’s Olympic Village, mainly because you can see the sea from there. Both of us adore the sea. I’ve always dreamed of living in a huge loft facing the sea and the beach, and now at last with Jaime this can become a reality. With some difficulty we eventually found a flat of a hundred and twenty square metres looking onto the beach, with private parking and round-the-clock security. I insisted the flat should have at least three bedrooms, so that we can have his children to stay. When I explained why I wanted so many rooms, Jaime was in complete agreement, but I was surprised that the idea didn’t come from him. I think that he probably wants to cement our relationship before he mixes it with his family.

  This morning we went to sign the rental agreement at a very demanding estate agency. Jaime had to bring half a million pesetas in cash to cover the deposit and the first rent payment. I went with him because we had said we would put the agreement in both our names; I thought this was clear, but then at the last minute Jaime asked if I had a problem with using just my name.

  ‘I thought we were both going to be on it. Is there something wrong?’

  ‘No, don’t worry. I’ll pay the rent, but if it’s all the same to you, I’d prefer not to have my name on the contract. I don’t want my ex-wife to find out. If she did, she’d only ask me to pay more for the kids.’

  At that moment, I picked up on an important detail. The kids, as he calls them, are adults, and each of them lives with their own partner, works, and is completely independent. The payments for them must have been agreed more than ten years ago, so his explanation did not really stand up.

  However, I was so excited at the idea of living with him in this fantastic apartment I did not want to cause any problems, so I accepted that only my name should be on the rental agreement.

  We told the agency all this, and that although I did not have steady employment, I had more than enough money to pay up to two years’ rent. The agency said that the owner did not wish to rent to anyone without a fixed job. I was devastated, because I could see our dream home slipping away from us.

  Yet again, Jaime said he would deal with everything, and this afternoon we went back to the agency, he gave them some papers, and I signed the contract. As we were leaving, I said how surprised I was that everything had been sorted out, and Jaime told me that he had showed them my bank statements and that had been sufficient. It was only later that I found out he had given them my latest ‘payslip’, which he had drawn up in his office without saying a word to me, signing it with his name and putting his company stamp on it.

  20th July 1998

  I feel happy because this morning we moved in. We did it all in a few hours, as I have so few things. Jaime only brought clothing from his mother’s house, where he stays, and some paintings which he says were left him by his father from his private collection, and which are extremely valuable. It’s not much for such a huge flat, and I can see we’re going to need lots of furniture.

  This afternoon we went on a tour of all the local furniture shops. When we had chosen what we wanted, Jaime insisted on paying for it all despite my protests, because I wanted to share the expense.

  25th and 26th July 1998

  Jaime has told me he has a chalet outside Madrid, and that he often meets up with his children there at weekends. I was delighted at the idea of spending my weekends there too, but he said he would first have to explain to them that he now had a serious relationship with someone. But I would need to be patient because his son, although he is almost the same age as me, gets very jealous when he sees his father with women who are not his mother. I could understand that, and told myself I would just have to be patient and understanding. Above all, I wanted them to accept me. After all, I’m going to be the stepmother of a boy and girl who are already grown-up.

  As today is Friday, Jaime caught the shuttle to Madrid to meet his children. He called me soon afterwards to find out how I was, and our conversation on the phone was very affectionate. We seem to have a marvellous and happy future ahead of us. Curiously, now we are living together, we will probably see less of each other than when we lived apart.

  I only see Sonia occasionally. She knows about my relationship with Jaime, but thinks I rushed into living with him.

  ‘You hardly know him! And besides, he doesn’t even spend a single weekend with you. Doesn’t that seem odd?’

  ‘Listen who’s talking!’ I said ironically. ‘You were always looking for your Prince Charming, and now you’re saying I rushed into it when I met mine!’

  ‘That’s not what I’m saying, Val! I’m simply suggesting you were being a bit hasty in leaving your flat and going to live with a man you don’t know at all well. Has he introduced you to his family at least?’

 
; ‘Not yet, Sonia. He needs time. You can understand that, can’t you? He has two children and an ex-wife who has cancer. With that situation in the family, just think what would have happened if I turned up out of the blue. It would be adding insult to injury. I don’t think it’s right. Not for now at least.’

  ‘OK! I agree. You’re right, it’s too soon. But don’t you think it’s odd that he has this luxury chalet outside Madrid, and that before he met you he lived with his mother?’

  Sonia was starting to make me feel nervous. At first I put her suspicions down to the sort of jealousy all women feel when one of us gets what we have all dreamed of. It’s only human.

  ‘He bought the chalet when he was going out with Carolina, a former girlfriend he met in Madrid. That’s where they lived. In those days, Jaime also had an office in the capital. Whenever he came to Barcelona, he stayed with his mother. It seems perfectly normal and logical to me. There’s nothing odd or mysterious in wanting to see his mother.’

  ‘All right, but tell me just one thing. If his children live in Barcelona, why do they all have to go to Madrid to see each other?’

  I had no answer to that. I could see that Sonia was very concerned about me and the new life I had chosen. She’s also a bit put out because ever since I got together with Jaime, we see less of each other.

  ‘You’re right, Sonia. But you’ve been with your boyfriend a lot as well. Anyway, I promise to ring you more often from now on. With the apartment and the move and everything, I haven’t had a moment to myself. I hope you can see that. Oh, and by the way I was thinking of organizing a small dinner party next Thursday so you could meet Jaime. What do you think?’

  ‘Of course, I’d really like that.’

  ‘That way you can make it up to him,’ I said with a laugh.

  ‘OK, that’s great.’

  ‘You can bring your boyfriend if you like.’

  Her face fell a hundred feet.

  ‘We broke it off last week.’

  I had really put my foot in it. Now I understood why she was so suspicious of Jaime. A man had dropped her, and she was angry with all males.

  ‘He had another girlfriend he hadn’t told me about. I found out by accident and told him I had had enough.’

  ‘I understand, sweetheart. I’m really sorry. But just because it happened to you with that bastard doesn’t mean all men are the same, Sonia.’

  ‘Don’t worry. I’ll get over it. By the way, Bigudi really misses you.’

  Hearing that made me very sad. Above all, I would like to have Bigudi back with me, but I had been forced to leave him with Sonia because Jaime can’t stand cats. So for now the poor creature would not be welcome at home.

  I Find a Job

  27th July 1998

  WHEN JAIME GOT back from his family weekend, I told him about the proposed dinner on Thursday.

  ‘I’d love to, sweetheart, but I have to spend the whole week in Malaga with Joaquin, visiting clients. I’m leaving early tomorrow, and on Friday I’m going straight to Madrid by car.’

  This plan didn’t exactly thrill me, but I tried to hide my feelings.

  ‘So we’re not going to see each other until Sunday?’

  ‘It’s my work, darling. Try to understand! We’ve got contracts with clients in the south of Spain, and we have to see them this week. I’ve been putting the trip off for far too long as it is. We’ll be together afterwards.’

  He took me in his arms, and we settled on another date for the dinner with Sonia.

  After what he had told me about his marital infidelities, that night I decided to tell him about my sporadic relationships, and how easy I had always found it to take whatever man I fancied in bed with me. I wanted to be honest with Jaime, and not to hide anything. He had already warned me that, as he put it, I had to give up any other boyfriends I had hanging around. I didn’t find that difficult to accept, because I haven’t had any new ones for some time now, but it was hard work convincing him. Jaime is a tremendously jealous person. He promised to be faithful to me. I am twenty-nine, and although he is twenty years older than me, we have met at the same point in our lives. We are both sick and tired of the lives we were leading. I no longer even look at anyone else. I must admit, this change has surprised even me, but I suppose it’s because for the first time in my life I’m really in love, and so any sexual desire I feel for anyone apart from Jaime has vanished. I’m going to be faithful to him from start to finish, and even months afterwards, should our relationship come to an end.

  At night we made love. Our lovemaking has got steadily better since we no longer use contraceptives, but Jaime has a strange way of only thinking of himself. He doesn’t wait for me to get any satisfaction. Sometimes he’s like an animal. But I don’t care. It’s not what’s most important to me in our relationship. Curiously, for me sex has faded into the background.

  28th July 1998

  Jaime has left for Malaga with Joaquin as planned. I said my tender goodbyes, urging him to be careful on the roads. As I’m going to be completely on my own for a few days, I decided to use the time to find a new job.

  I’ve already had several offers (my advert continues to appear in the newspaper from time to time) and there is one that looks very promising. It was from a foreign multinational clothing company based in Barcelona. They are looking for a woman to keep them informed of all the latest trends. That would mean travelling to the most important fashion fairs all over the world, sniffing out the market, and seeing what the latest fashions are each season. It’s not directly linked to advertising, but I’m really attracted to the idea of working in that area. And besides, I have no problems about travelling, especially as Jaime does so much anyway.

  So I went for the interview. It was all very quick, and they told me I can start in a week. I felt very happy, because it means our income will increase significantly. I’ve no idea what Jaime earns (he’s never mentioned it), but I can see that he lives well. He always carries lots of cash on him, never checks what he’s spending or appears to worry about money in any way, not even when it comes to renting an apartment in such a high-class building. On the contrary, he always insists he wants the best. Despite all this, I want to be able to help with our household expenses.

  Jaime has only called a couple of times, to tell me how busy he is. Whenever I’ve tried to call him, his mobile has been switched off. In order not to seem untrusting, I did not ask him for his hotel number.

  30th July 1998

  When Jaime got back today he looked tired and anxious. As soon as he had taken his shoes off, he shut himself in the bathroom for more than an hour. I listened intently for any noise, and when I heard nothing, I asked him through the door, ‘Is anything wrong, Jaime?’

  ‘Leave me in peace!’ he snapped back.

  ‘Is there anything I can do for you, darling? Perhaps it would do you good to talk. I don’t know: is something worrying you?’

  ‘Leave me in peace!’ he repeated. ‘You don’t have the faintest idea of the problems I’ve got!’

  When he came out an hour later, his eyes were all puffy, and he spent all afternoon and most of the evening chain-smoking, without saying a word to me.

  When he came to bed, he didn’t even touch me. Until now, whenever we have spent the night together, we’ve made love. This was the first time he had refused.

  2nd August 1998

  Jaime left early for his office. I wasn’t even able to tell him I was starting my new job today, when everyone else is going on holiday. Just in case he arrived home before me, I left him a note in the kitchen explaining everything. That’s exactly what happened. When I got in this evening, worried about the way he had been yesterday, I found him watching TV in the living room.

  ‘You could have told me you were starting work today,’ he said reproachfully.

  ‘I know, Jaime, but yesterday you were impossible. You didn’t want to talk, and you were so closed in on yourself it seemed you had some difficulty or other.’


  ‘I had a problem I didn’t want to talk about. What’s this about work?’

  I explained how I had found the job, and what it implied.

  ‘So you’re going to have to travel?’

  I could tell just by looking at him that he was angry.

  ‘Yes, occasionally.’

  ‘On your own?’

  ‘No, with my boss. He’s American. In September we have to go to a show in Italy, and . . .’

  ‘American? Another one who’ll want to fuck you!’

  This unexpected reply left me speechless. Jaime was obviously in the same mood as yesterday.

  ‘What are you talking about?’

  ‘You heard. He wants you to travel with him so he can fuck you. You’ll see. You’re still too young. You don’t know how things are.’

  I was astounded. It didn’t seem right to me for him to judge in that way someone he had never met.