Liquor up the Front, Poker in the Rear
Page 1
LIQUOR UP FRONT,
POKER IN THE REAR
A BOOK OF ADULT HUMOR
By Michael Hunt
All Rights Reserved
ISBN 978-0-9817007-7-9
Copyright © 2009 by S&B Publishing
This book may not be reproduced in whole or in part without the written permission of the author or the publisher.
First Printing – February 2010
Printed in the United States of America
www.AllAmericanBooks.com
Disclaimer
The majority of the jokes contained in this book are based upon material which is freely available in the public domain. No information as to who wrote the original versions of these jokes was available to the author. If anyone has a valid claim to the copyright ownership of the root of any joke contained herein, please contact the publisher so that proper accreditation may be given in any future edition.
Laugh…
Because smiling is the second best thing you can do with your mouth!
TABLE OF CONTENTS
The Best Medicine
Voodoo Penis
Medical Condition
Side Effects
Did You Jump?
The Second Time
Flat Tummy
Little Soldier
Poker Player
Christmas Party
Cowboy Up
I Have A Plan
Always Tell the Truth
Family Resemblance
Private Parts
Common Courtesy
Tit For Tat
Final Confession
Night On the Town
Drop the Soap
Sex Frog
True Confession
No More For You!
Frozen Skunk
Moby Dick’s Son
The Rich Hooker
Elder Sex
Sensitivity Test For Men
The Pickle Slicer
Ball Four
Little Blue Pill
Holy Hot Dogs
Two Brothers
Quick Thinking
Close Call
Texas Woman
Jack and Debra
The Toast
The Face Lift
Baby Texan
Sexual Harassment
Osama & the Genie
Firm Up
Newlyweds
Nag, Nag, Nag
All Aboard!
Basic Math
Medical Miracle
Harry
My First Time
Human Kindness
A Good Deal
Lady Golfer
Barbie Doll
Finished?
Sperm Count
The Peaches
The Dildo
Drug Research
Devil of a Deal
Happy Birthday
Cheap Diagnosis
Little Genie
A Fairy Tale
Amazing Claude
Happy Anniversary
It’s The Thought
The Eulogy
Three Virgins
Jolt of Caffeine
Choo Choo!
Fill ‘Er Up
Safe Smokes
Five Secrets to a Perfect Relationship
The Amazing Texan
Cathouse Parrot
Learning To Cuss
Miss Manners
Remember Me?
Teenage Sex
The “F” Word
Logical Deduction
Traffic Stop
Divorce Letter
Frank Feldman
Tee’d Off
Old Cowboy
The Fishing Trip
All That Glitters
Poison Pill
Jungle Sex
String Him Up!
A La Carte Menu
Speak!
Deaf Dog
Stowaway
Two Bags Full
Family Ties
Ding Dong
Hired Hand
The Hotcakes
The Nudist Colony
Repeat Offender
Carmen
A New Plan
All It Takes
Next!
Dad’s Lamp
Overdose
Voices
Sizing It Up
Sex Signals
It Wasn’t Me
Quid Pro Quo
Bang!
Personal Ad
Female Pharmacy
Number Four
A Small Problem
Because He Can’t
Good Job
Wedded Bliss
Reminiscing
Plan B
Don’t Ask Don’t Tell
Fucked Again
Go For the Gold
Far Away
Cut the Schlitz
Gone Fishing
Bad Karma
At the Market
The New Maid
Dead Wood
On Vacation
Chinese Doctor
All Over Tan
Just Relax
Kiss of Life
Proud Papa
Going Postal
Money Talks
It’s Your Choice
THE BEST MEDICINE
Laughter and sex are undoubtedly two of the best medicines for your health. They both help keep you fit and healthy! Several studies have proven that each of them can protect you from heart attacks. After a good laugh, or a good lay, you feel much more relaxed and calm. They recharge your energy, increase your productivity, and enable you to stay focused. Plus they reduce stress, and thus make you feel better!
It is very important to laugh out loud several times a day in order to minimize the effects of stress and maximize fun and humor in your life. It is equally important to have regular sexual encounters… but a word of caution. Don’t do them both at the same time… or your partner may develop a complex!
VOODOO PENIS
A businessman was getting ready to go on a long business trip. He knew his wife was a flirtatious sort with an extremely healthy sex drive, so he thought he’d better buy her a little something to keep her occupied while he was gone.
He went to a store that sold sex toys and started looking around for something special to please her, and started talking to the old man behind the counter.
He explained his situation. The old man said, “Well, we have vibrating dildos, special attachments, and so on, but I don’t know of anything that will keep her occupied for weeks, except…” and he stopped.
“Except what?” the man asked.
“Nothing, nothing.”
“C’mon, tell me! I need something!”
“Well, sir, I don’t usually mention this, but there is something called the Voodoo Penis.”
“So what’s so special about this Voodoo Penis?” he asked.
The old man reached under the counter and pulled out a very old wooden box, carved with strange symbols and erotic images. He opened it, and there lay an ordinary-looking dildo.
The businessman laughed, and said, “Big damn deal. It looks like every other dildo in this shop!”
The old man replied, “But you haven’t seen what it’ll do yet.” He pointed to a door and said, “Voodoo Penis, the door!”
The Voodoo Penis miraculously rose out of its box, darted over to the door, and started pounding the keyhole. The whole door shook wildly with the vibrations, so much so that a crack began to form down the middle.
Before the door split, the old man said “Voodoo Penis, return to box!”
The Voodoo Penis stopped, levitated back to the box, and lay there quietly once more.
“I'll take it!” said
the businessman.
The guy took it home to his wife, told her it was a special dildo, and that to use it all she had to do was say “Voodoo Penis, my pussy!”
After he’d been gone a few days the wife was unbearably horny, and remembered the Voodoo Penis. She undressed, opened the box and said “Voodoo Penis, my pussy!”
The Voodoo Penis shot to her crotch and started pumping away. It was absolutely incredible, and was like nothing she had ever experienced before. After three mind-shattering orgasms she became exhausted, and decided she’d had enough.
She tried to pull it out, but it was stuck in her, still thrusting. She tried and tried to get it out, but nothing worked. Her husband had forgotten to tell her how to shut it off!
Worried, she decided to go to the hospital to see if they could help. She put her clothes on, got in the car, and started to drive, quivering with every thrust of the dildo. On the way, another incredibly intense orgasm made her swerve all over the road.
A police officer saw this and immediately pulled her over. He asked for her license, and then asked how much she’d had to drink.
Gasping and twitching, she explained, “I haven’t had anything to drink, officer. You see, I’ve got this Voodoo Penis thing stuck in my vagina, and it won’t stop screwing me!”
The officer looked at her for a second, shook his head, and in an arrogant voice replied, “Yeah, right... Voodoo Penis, my ass…!”
MEDICAL CONDITION
A wealthy hospital benefactor was visiting the new wing she had financed when, during her tour, she passed a room where a male patient was masturbating.
“Oh my God!” screamed the woman. “That’s disgraceful! Why is he doing that?”
The doctor who was leading the tour explained, “I am very sorry, but this man has a serious condition where the testicles rapidly fill with semen. If he doesn’t do that five times a day, they’ll explode and he’ll die within minutes.”
“Oh, well in that case, I guess it’s okay,” commented the woman.
In the very next room they saw a female nurse performing oral sex on a different male patient. Again the woman screamed, “Oh my God! How can that be justified?”
The doctor replied, “Same illness… better health plan!”
SIDE EFFECTS
A woman went to her doctor for a follow-up visit after the doctor had prescribed testosterone for her because she was a little worried about some of the side effects she was experiencing.
“Doctor, the hormones you’ve been giving me have really helped, but I’m afraid that you’re giving me too much. I’ve started growing hair in places that I’ve never grown hair before.”
The doctor reassured her. “A little hair growth is a perfectly normal side effect of testosterone. Just where has this hair appeared?”
“On my balls!”
DID YOU JUMP?
A young man joined the Army and signed up with the paratroopers. He went though the standard training, completed the practice jumps from higher and higher structures, and finally went to make his first jump from an airplane. The next day he called home to tell his father about it.
“So, did you jump?” the father asked.
“Well, let me tell you what happened. We got up in the plane, and the sergeant opened up the door and asked for volunteers. About a dozen men got up and just walked out of the plane!”
“Is that when you jumped?” asked the father.
“Um, not yet. Then the sergeant started to grab the other men one at a time and throw them out the door.”
“Did you jump then?” asked the father.
“I'm getting to that. Everyone else had jumped, and I was the last man left on the plane. I told the sergeant that I was too scared to jump. He told me to get off the plane or he’d kick my ass.”
“So, did you jump?”
“Not then. He tried to push me out of the plane, but I grabbed onto the door and refused to go. Finally he called over to the Jump Master. The Jump Master is this great big guy, about six-foot five, and 250 pounds. He said to me, ‘Boy, are you gonna jump or not?’”
“I said, ‘No, sir. I'm too scared.’ So the Jump Master pulled down his zipper and took his penis out. I swear, it was about ten inches long and as big around as a baseball bat! He said, ‘Boy, either you jump out that door, or I’m sticking this baby up your ass!’”
“So… did you jump?” asked the father.
“Well, a little, at first...”
THE SECOND TIME
After his exam the doctor said to the elderly man, “You appear to be in good health. Do you have any medical concerns you would like to ask me about?”
“In fact, I do,” said the old man. “After I have sex with my wife, the first time I am usually hot and sweaty, and then, after I have sex with her the second time, I am usually cold and chilly.”
After examining his elderly wife, the doctor said, “Everything appears to be fine. Do you have any medical concerns that you would like to discuss with me?” The lady replied that she had no questions or concerns.
The doctor then said to her, “Your husband had an unusual concern. He claims that he is usually hot and sweaty after having sex with you the first time, and then cold and chilly after the second time. Do you know why?”
“Oh that crazy old fart…” she replied. “That’s because the first time is usually in August, and the second time is in January!”
FLAT TUMMY
A little boy walked into his parent’s room and saw his mom bouncing up and down on top of his dad. The mom heard her son come in and quickly dismounted, worried about what he had seen. She dressed quickly and went to find him.
When the boy saw his mom he asked, “What were you and daddy doing?”
The mother replied, “Well you know your dad has a big tummy, and sometimes I have to get on top of it to help flatten it.
“You’re wasting your time,” said the boy.
“Why is that?” asked his mom, puzzled.
“Well, when you go shopping, the lady next door comes over, gets on her knees and blows it right back up!”
LITTLE SOLDIER
When a man walked into a supermarket with his zipper down, a lady cashier walked up to him and said, “Excuse me sir, your barracks door is open.”
This is not a phrase women normally used, so he went on his way looking a bit puzzled. When he was about done shopping, a man came up and said, “Hey, your fly is open.”
He zipped up, finished his shopping, and intentionally got into line to check out with the lady was who had told him about his “barracks door.” He was planning to have a little fun with her.
When he reached her counter he said, “When you saw my barracks door open, did you see a soldier standing at attention?”
The lady thought for a moment and said, “No, no, I didn’t. All I saw was a disabled veteran sitting on two old duffel bags…”
POKER PLAYER
Two couples were playing poker one evening when John accidentally dropped some cards on the floor. When he bent down under the table to pick them up he noticed that Bill’s wife, Sue, wasn’t wearing any panties under her dress!
Shocked by this, John tried to sit back up again, but hit his head on the table and emerged red-faced. Later, he went to the kitchen to get some refreshments.
Bill’s wife followed and asked, “Did you see anything that you liked under there?”
Surprised by her boldness, John courageously admitted that, yes indeed, he most certainly had.
She said, “Well, you can have it - but it will cost you five hundred dollars.”
After taking a minute or two to assess the financial and moral costs of this offer, John confirmed that he was interested. She told him that since her husband Bill worked Friday afternoons and John didn’t, he should be at her house around two o’clock at the end of the week.