Liquor up the Front, Poker in the Rear

by Mike Hunt

  Amazing Claude

  It was opening night at the Orpheum and The Amazing Claude was topping the bill. Hundreds of people came from miles around to see the famed hypnotist do his stuff. As Claude took to the stage he announced, “Unlike most stage hypnotists who invite two or three people up onto the stage to be put into a trance, I intend to hypnotize each and every member of this audience.”

  The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat. “I want you each to keep your eye on this antique watch. It’s a very special watch. It’s been in my family for six generations.”

  He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting, “Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch...”

  The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface. Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch until suddenly it slipped from the hypnotist’s fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces.

  “FUCK!” shouted the hypnotist.

  It took three weeks to clean up the theater…

  HAPPY ANNIVERSARY

  Three guys were sitting in a bar talking. One was a doctor, one was a lawyer, and one was a biker. After a sip of his martini, the doctor said, “You know, tomorrow is my anniversary. I got my wife a diamond ring and a new Mercedes. I figure that if she doesn’t like the diamond ring she will at least like the Mercedes, and she will know that I love her.”

  After finishing his scotch, the lawyer replied, “Well, on my last anniversary I got my wife a string of pearls and a trip to the Bahamas. I figured that if she didn’t like the pearls she would at least like the trip, and she would know that I love her.”

  The biker then took a big swig from his beer and said, “Yeah? Well, for my anniversary I got my old lady a T-shirt and a vibrator. I figured that if she didn’t like the T-shirt… she could go fuck herself!”

  IT’S THE THOUGHT

  Joe was talking to his buddy at the bar and he said, “I don’t know what to get my wife for her birthday - she has everything, and besides, she can afford to buy anything she wants, so I’m stumped.”

  His buddy said, “I have an idea - why don’t you make up a certificate saying she can have sixty minutes of great sex, any way she wants it – she’ll probably be thrilled!”

  So that’s what Joe did.

  The next day at the bar his buddy approached him and asked, “Well? Did you take my suggestion?”

  “Yes, I did,” said Joe.

  “Did she like it?” His buddy prodded.

  “Oh yes! She jumped up, thanked me, kissed me on the forehead, and ran out the door yelling, “I’ll be back in an hour!”

  The Eulogy

  A woman got married, and had eleven children. Then her husband died. She married again, and had five more children. Again, her husband died. She remarried yet again, and this time had three more children. Again, her husband died. And alas, she herself finally died.

  Standing before her coffin, the preacher prayed for her. He thanked the Lord for this very loving woman and said, “Lord, they’re finally together.”

  One mourner leaned over and quietly asked her friend, “Do you think he means her first, second or third husband?”

  The friend replied, “I think he means her legs.”

  THREE VIRGINS

  A mother had three virgin daughters, all of whom were getting married within a short time period. Because Mom was a bit worried about how their sex lives would get started, she made them all promise to send a postcard from their honeymoons with a few words about how marital sex felt.

  The first girl sent a card from Hawaii two days after the wedding. The card said nothing but ‘Nescafe.’ Mom was puzzled at first, but then went the kitchen and got out the Nescafe jar. It said, Good to the Last Drop.

  Mom blushed, but was pleased for her daughter.

  The second girl sent a card from Vermont a week after her wedding which read, ‘Benson & Hedges.’ Mom now knew to go straight to her husband’s cigarettes, and she read from the Benson & Hedges pack, Extra Long. King Size.

  She was again slightly embarrassed, but still happy for her daughter.

  The third girl left for her honeymoon in the Caribbean. Mom waited for a week, but received nothing. Another week went by, and still nothing. Then, after a whole month, a card finally arrived. Written on it with shaky handwriting were the words ‘British Airways.’ Mom took out her latest Harper’s Bazaar magazine, flipped through the pages fearing the worst, and finally found the ad for British Airways.

  The ad said, Three times a day, seven days a week, both ways!

  The mother fainted.

  JOLT OF CAFFEINE

  An elderly woman went to a doctor and asked his help to revive her husband’s sex drive.

  “What about trying Viagra?” asked the doctor.

  “Not a chance,” said Mrs. Murphy. “He won’t even take an aspirin for a headache.”

  “No problem,” replied the doctor. “Drop it into his coffee, and he won’t even taste it. Try it, and come back in a week to let me know how you got on.”

  A week later Mrs. Murphy returned to the doctor and he inquired as to how things had gone.

  “Oh it was terrible, just terrible, doctor!”

  “What happened?” asks the doctor.

  “Well I did as you advised and slipped it in his coffee. The effect was immediate. He jumped straight up, swept the cutlery off the table, at the same time ripping my clothes off, and then proceeded to make passionate love to me on the tabletop. It was terrible.”

  “What was terrible?” asked the doctor. “Was the sex not good?”

  “Oh no doctor, the sex was the best I’ve had in twenty-five years, but I’ll never be able to show my face in McDonald’s again!”

  CHOO CHOO!

  A mother was working in the kitchen, listening to her five-year-old son playing with his new electric train in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son saying, “All of you bastards who want off, get the hell off now, ‘cause we are runnin’ late! And all of you bastards who are getting on, get your ass in the train, ‘cause we’re going down the tracks real soon.”

  The horrified mother went in and told her son, “We don’t use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and stay there for two hours. When you come out you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language.”

  Two hours later the son came out of his bedroom and resumed playing with his train. Soon the train stopped, and the mother heard her son say, “Attention please. All passengers who are disembarking the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for travelling with us today.” And she heard the little boy continue, “For those of you just boarding, we ask you to store all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today.”

  As the mother began to smile the child added, “For those of you who are pissed off about the fucking TWO HOUR delay, please direct your complaints to the fat bitch in the kitchen!”

  FILL ‘ER UP

  There was a gas station in redneck country trying to increase sales, so the owner put up a sign which said Free Sex With Fill-up.

  Soon a redneck customer pulled in, filled his tank, and asked for his free sex. The owner told him to pick a number from one to ten, and if he guessed correctly he would get his free sex. The buyer guessed eight - and the proprietor said, “No, but you were close. The number was seven. Sorry, no free sex, but maybe next time.”

  Some time thereafter the same man, along with his buddy this time, pulled in again for a fill-up and again he asked for his free sex. The proprietor gave him the same story and asked him to guess the correct number. The man guessed two this time, and the proprietor said, “Sorry, it was three. You were close, but no free sex this time.”

  As they were driving away t
he driver said to his buddy, “I think that game is rigged. He doesn’t give away free sex.”

  The buddy replied, “No, it ain’t rigged. My wife won twice last week!”

  SAFE SMOKES

  Two elderly ladies were outside their nursing home having a smoke when it started to rain. One of the ladies pulled out a condom, cut off the end, put it over her cigarette, and continued smoking.

  The other lady asked, “What's that?”

  “A condom,” she responded. “This way my cigarette doesn’t get wet.”

  “Where did you get it?” the other lady asked.

  “You can get them at any drugstore.”

  The next day the first lady hobbled herself down to the local drugstore and announced to the pharmacist that she wanted a box of condoms. The guy looked at her kind of strangely (she was, after all, over eighty years of age), but politely asked what brand she preferred.

  “It doesn't matter,” she replied, “as long as it fits on a Camel!”

  FIVE Secrets

  To A Perfect Relationship

  1. It’s important to have a lover who helps out at home, cooks, cleans up, and has a job.

  2. It’s important to have a lover who can make you laugh.

  3. It’s important to have a lover you can trust and who doesn’t lie to you.

  4. It’s important to have a lover who is good in bed, and who likes to be with you.

  5. It’s very, very important that these four people don’t know each other!

  the Amazing Texan

  A traveling salesman visited a small town in the Midwest and saw a circus banner reading Don’t Miss the Amazing Texan.

  Curious, he bought a ticket. The tent went dark. Suddenly trumpets blared and all eyes turned to the center ring. There, spotlit in the center ring, was a table with three walnuts on it. Standing next to it was an old retired cowboy.

  Suddenly the old man unzipped his pants, whipped out a huge penis, and smashed all three walnuts with three mighty swings!

  The audience erupted in applause, and the elderly Texan was carried off on the shoulders of the crowd.

  Ten years later the salesman visited the same little town and he saws a faded sign for the same circus and the same event… Don’t Miss the Amazing Texan.

  He couldn’t believe the old guy was still alive, much less still doing his act - so he bought a ticket.

  Again, the center ring was illuminated. This time, instead of walnuts, three coconuts were placed on the table. The Texan stood before them, then suddenly unzipped his fly and smashed the coconuts with three swings of his amazing member.

  The crowd went absolutely wild! Flabbergasted, the salesman requested a meeting with him after the show.

  “You’re incredible,” he told the Texan. “But there’s something I just have to know. You’re older now, so why the switch from walnuts to coconuts?”

  “Well,” said the Texan, “my eyes just ain’t what they used to be!”

  Cathouse Parrot

  A woman went to a pet shop and immediately spotted a large, beautiful parrot. There was a sign on the cage that said the price was fifty dollars.

  “Why so little,” she asked the pet store owner.

  The owner looked at her sheepishly and said, “Look, I should tell you first that for years this bird lived in a house of prostitution, and sometimes it says some pretty vulgar stuff.”

  The woman thought about this, but decided she had to have the bird anyway. She took it home, hung the bird’s cage up in her living room, and waited for it to say something.

  The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said, “New house, new madam.”

  The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then thought, “That’s really not so bad.”

  When her two teenage daughters returned from school the bird saw them and said, “New house, new madam, new girls.”

  The girls and the woman were a bit offended, but then began to laugh about the situation, considering how and where the parrot had been raised.

  Moments later the woman’s husband came home from work. The bird looked at him and said, “Hi, Frank!”

  learning to cuss

  A six-year-old and a four-year-old were upstairs in their bedroom.

  “You know what?” said the six-year-old. “I think it’s about time we started cussing.”

  The four-year-old nodded his head in agreement.

  The six-year-old continued, “When we go downstairs for breakfast I’m gonna say something with ‘hell,’ and then you say something with ‘ass.’”

  The four-year-old agreed to the plan enthusiastically. When the mother walked into the kitchen and asked the six-year-old what he wanted for breakfast, he replied, “Aw, hell, Mom, I guess I’ll have some Cheerios.”

  WHACK! He flew out of his chair, tumbled across the kitchen floor, got up, and ran upstairs crying his eyes out - with his mother in hot pursuit, slapping his rear every step of the way.

  His mom locked him in his room and shouted, “You can stay there until I let you out!”

  She then came back downstairs, looked at the four-year-old, and asked with a stern voice, “And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?”

  “I don’t know,” he blubbered, “but you can bet your ass it won’t be Cheerios!”

  MISS MANNERS

  A teacher trying to teach good manners asked a student, “Michael, if you were on a date, and having supper with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?”

  “Just a minute, I have to go piss.”

  The teacher replied, “That would be rude and impolite! What about you, John, how would you say it?”

  “I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom. I’ll be right back.”

  The teacher responded, “That’s better, but it’s still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the table. How about you Peter, are you able to use your intelligence for once and show us your good manners?”

  “I’d say ‘Darling, may I be excused for a moment, I have to go shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I hope you’ll get to meet after supper.’”

  The teacher fainted.

  REMEMBER ME?

  A man who was standing in line at a checkout counter of a grocery store was surprised when a very attractive woman behind him said, “Hello!” Her face was beaming.

  He gave her that ‘who are you?’ look, and couldn’t remember ever having seen her before.

  Then, noticing his look, she figured she had made a mistake and apologized. “Look,” she said, “I’m really sorry, but when I first saw you I thought you were the father of one of my children.” She then walked out of the store.

  The guy was dumbfounded and thought to himself, “What the hell is this world coming to? Here is an attractive woman who can’t even keep track of who fathers her children!”

  Then he got a little panicky. “I don’t remember her,” he thought, “but MAYBE.... during one of the wild parties he had been to when he was in college, perhaps he did father her child!”

  He ran from the store and caught her in the parking lot and asked, “Are you the girl I met at a party in college, and then we got really drunk and had wild crazy sex on the pool table in front of everyone?”

  “No,” she said with a horrified look on her face. “I’m your son’s second grade teacher!”

  Teenage Sex

  The mother of a seventeen-year-old girl was concerned that her daughter was having sex. She was worried the girl might become pregnant and adversely impact the family’s status, so she consulted the family doctor.

  The doctor told her that teenagers today were very willful, and any attempt to stop the girl would probably result in rebellion. He then told her to arrange for her daughter to be put on birth control, and until then talk to her and give her a box of condoms.

  Later that evening, as her daughter was preparing for a date, the woman told her about the situation and handed her a box of condoms. The girl
burst out laughing and reached over to hug her mother saying, “Oh Mom! You don’t have to worry about that! I’m dating Susan!”

  The “F” Word

  There are only ten times in all of history where the “F” word has been considered acceptable for use. They are as follows:

  10. “What the fuck was that?”

  -- Mayor of Hiroshima, 1945

  9. “Where did all those fucking Indians come from?”

  -- George Armstrong Custer, 1877

  8. “Any fucking moronic idiot could understand that!”

  -- Albert Einstein, 1938

  7. “It does fucking so look like her!”

  -- Pablo Picasso, 1926

  6. “How the fuck did you work that out?”

  -- Pythagoras, 126 BC

  5. “You want WHAT on the fucking ceiling?”

  -- Michelangelo, 1566

  4. “Where in the fuck are we?”

  -- Amelia Earhart, 1937