Broken Dreams

by Rissa Blakeley

  “It’s true. I love you so much, and I can’t live without your love. I need you in my life. I need you to trust me, and continue to love me. I know this is stressful and, frankly, horrible.” I couldn’t look at him while he groveled.

  “Horrible? This is so much more than horrible. It’s a real life, low budget horror flick, Henry! I do love you, and I cannot deny that, but you are lying to me. I hate lying. You know that!”

  “I do. I know.” His whispers were laden with shame. I could see his brilliant green eyes in the near darkness. A couple tears trickled down his face.

  “Then why?” I put my hands on my hips, waiting impatiently for yet another pre-programmed response.

  “I have to protect you.” He sounded defeated.

  “Whatever. I’m done, Henry. We’re done. I can’t handle the lies and the half-truths anymore. I deserve the truth, and I deserve the respect.” I pulled off my engagement ring and held it out to him.

  “Elaina, no...” The tears rolled thick and heavy down his panic-stricken face. I played the stoic, scorned woman. It crushed me to tell him we were done and hand back the ring he worked so hard to buy me. I loved him so much, but I couldn’t allow myself to be lied to another day. He grabbed my arms.

  “Henry, let go of me.”

  “Elaina, please. Don’t do this. I can’t live without you. You are my everything.” I couldn’t look at him. I knew if I did, I would have fallen into him, bawling my eyes out. But I needed the truth.

  “Henry, let go of me before I scream.” He dropped his hands to his side, taking the ring out of my hand. He wiped his face with the back of his hand, but the river of tears still flowed.

  “I love you.” His voice shook with every word.

  “I understand that. I love you, as well, but I can’t do this with you anymore unless you start being truthful.” I picked up the few things of Claire’s that I had already gathered. He stepped aside, and slid down the wall with his face buried in his hands. He sobbed in silence as I left the room. Claire was at the door.

  “Get the rest of your stuff,” I ordered, as I stormed back into Henry’s bedroom. Sophie was still standing in there.

  “Elaina. Let me try to explain…”

  I put my hand up to cut her off. “The only explanation that I want to hear is the truth. I don’t want to hear another false explanation or half-truth. Now, get out!”

  “Just…”

  “No! Go before I do something I will regret.” Admittedly, she could snap my neck in a split second, but she should know better than to cross a woman scorned.

  “Right,” she said with a chill in her voice, and she left the room. She met Claire just outside of the door. “Please talk some sense into her. He needs her.”

  “I don’t blame her for being this angry,” Claire said. “If anyone deserves to know the truth about this situation, it’s her. After all, she would have been married to him by now.” Sophie sighed and went into Henry’s new room. She closed the door behind her.

  I collapsed on the bed and sobbed into Henry’s pillow. Claire sat down next to me and rubbed my back.

  “I gave him back the ring.”

  “Oh no. I’m so sorry, hon. I wish there was something I could do.”

  “I told him I can’t carry on with him, knowing he was lying. He was bawling his eyes out, Claire. It cut me deeply to see him that way.”

  “He loves you so much.”

  “I need the truth.”

  “I know. He does need to be honest with you.”

  “I can’t believe it’s over...” Claire grabbed me and held me until my sobs quieted enough for me to breathe relatively normal.

  While Claire held me, I flashed back to the first time we broke up. It was a killer, much like that day, but I was so much more devastated the second time around. I had more invested in Henry than before.

  -February 2013-

  We pulled up to my apartment building’s front entrance when we got home from Henry’s gym. I was pretty sure I wouldn’t be doing that again. Between me not being in shape and some muscled woman trying to be all touchy feely with Henry, I wasn’t thrilled in the least. There was shit that she just had to tell me, all while wearing a nasty grin on her face.

  He put the truck into park and turned to me. “Listen, I’ve got a bunch of work I have to get done so I probably won’t be coming back tonight.”

  “What?”

  “My boss has been pressing me for some reports, and I have been slacking some since I have been with you. He’s riding my ass hardcore.”

  “Why can’t you bring your laptop here? Or you could even use mine.”

  “Because you would distract me, my love.” He flashed his Prince Charming smile.

  “Well, what about me coming to your place? I can hang out somewhere in your apartment while you work, and then we can be together afterwards.” Henry rubbed his face with his hands. He looked stressed.

  “That’s not going to work. I may not even go to bed tonight. I have a ton of stuff that I’m behind on.”

  “There’s someone else, isn’t there?” My heart was shattering, and my hands were shaking as I clenched them together in my lap.

  “What? No! I told you already. I’m a monogamist with you. Why would you even say that? I love you.” He was angry, but he sounded more hurt that I would make such an accusation.

  “I don’t understand why you keep me locked out.” I felt the unfamiliar telltale lump rise in my throat. Fuck me. “I want all of you, not part of you.”

  “You have me. I’m not going anywhere.”

  “Then why won’t you let me into your apartment?”

  “Can we not fight about this?”

  “I want to know why.” I crossed my arms in front of my chest and looked out the passenger window.

  “Elaina…I never had my own space when I was a kid.” Blah, blah, blah, and fucking blah. I started to think about the muscled chick at his gym and how she was all up in his grill. She touched him, and it made me want to use her face as a speed bag.

  “What is the deal with Mrs. Muscles at the gym?”

  “Who?”

  “I don’t know her name. The one who was touching you.”

  “Right. Vanessa,” he grumbled.

  “For some reason, she felt it necessary to tell me that you used to fuck one of her friends. And then, when you broke it off with her friend, she hoped you would take her.”

  “Christ.” He rubbed his face again and sighed between his fingers. “I use to see her friend, Rachel. It went on for about a month.”

  “And you fucked her?”

  “Elaina, I don’t want to get into my past sex life. The only one that matters to me now is you.”

  “It fucking matters to me!” Just thinking of him “dipping” his wick into someone else infuriated me. It was somewhat of a double-standard, but what could I say?

  “Okay, fine. I was fucking her. Anything else?” The thought of this faceless Rachel with her hands on him made me furious. The thought of his tongue doing the things he did to me on her made me want to throat punch him, and prison shank that skank whore.

  “How many have you been with?”

  “I don’t know! I don’t have notches on my bedpost. I have never asked you how many guys you’ve been with!”

  “Three, including you! I just want something, Henry. I want you to let me in. You’re locking me out.”

  “Elaina…I can’t do this with you.”

  “Maybe we need some space then.”

  “Elaina…no. That’s not what I’m saying.” I could hear the hurt in his voice.

  “I have to go.” I whipped open the door and slammed it shut. I bolted into the building, while everyone that was milling around in the lobby was staring at me.

  “Shit…Elaina! Elaina!” I heard him yelling my name. I got to the elevator and pressed the up button hysterically, praying that it would open before he got to it. Once the door slid open, I hit the “close door” button, and as so
on as they shut, I began sobbing.

  “Are you alright?” I just about jumped out of my skin. It was my neighbor, Melissa.

  “I’m sorry. I didn’t realize anyone was in here.” I wiped my face with my hand.

  “I was just coming up from the garage. Is there anything I can do for you, hon?” She rubbed my shoulder.

  “No, thank you. I had a fight with my boyfriend.”

  “Well, if there is anything…” The elevator stopped and the door opened. I bolted off, only to see Henry leaning against my door. For a moment I was confused, but then I realized he must have run up the stairs.

  “Elaina, can we talk about this?”

  “Just go, Henry!” I saw Melissa walk past very slow, intending to listen to our argument. She was so fucking nosey. My hands were shaking so much that I struggled to get my keys out of my purse. I couldn’t even unlock the door.

  When I was finally able to get the door unlocked, Henry threw his arm across the door frame before I could dive in. “Elaina…I don’t want to lose you over something so stupid.”

  “It’s not stupid to me. Now, if you will excuse me.” I tried to duck under his arm, but he moved his big body in front of me. I grumbled in frustration. I was seconds from decking him.

  “I just want you to hear me when I say that I love you more than you could understand, and I will fight for you with every ounce of my soul.” He moved out of the way and headed back for the stairs. I slammed my door shut. After I locked it, I fell to the floor and I sobbed like I had never sobbed before. My chest and my sides hurt. I felt nauseous, and I wanted to curl up and die. In that moment, I realized I was hopelessly in love with him. I didn’t want to exist without Henry, but if I had to, I would.

  The morning after our fight, Claire was returning the movies she borrowed from Henry. She unlocked my door, and it hit me on the side as she pushed it open. She screamed. I have a feeling she thought I was dead. I felt like I was. I wanted to die. I had no idea how long I had been lying on the floor, but I obviously spent the night there.

  That was not like me. I am not that girl. I’m not the girl who can’t live life without her man. Or the one who cries at the drop of a hat, but there was something uncontrollable about my feelings for Henry. It was almost as if I was addicted to him.

  “Elaina! What are you doing on the floor? What’s wrong?” She sat down next to me. I grabbed her and sobbed into her shoulder. “What’s wrong? You’re a mess!”

  “We had a fight…” I choked out. She was taken aback by my sudden outburst of sobs, something she never really saw from me.

  “Oh no. How bad? Well, obviously bad. I mean, look at you.”

  “He won’t let me in. He keeps me at arm’s length and I don’t want that. I want all of him. Yesterday, I told him we need space if he can’t open up to me.”

  “Oh, honey.” She embraced me with the strength that I didn’t have, and rubbed my back.

  “And, on top of that, I think he’s a man whore.”

  “You think he’s cheating?”

  “No… I don’t know. But I have a feeling he has been with more women than Charlie Sheen.”

  “Elaina, all men are whores. Anyone that good looking probably has women throwing themselves at him on a constant basis.”

  “Some chick at his gym just had to tell me he used to fuck one of her friends. Just the thought of him doing the things he does to me with someone else makes me want to throat punch him.”

  “Elaina, you can’t expect him to be a virgin at his age. How old is he, anyway?”

  “I have no idea. I never asked after he told me he doesn’t really celebrate his birthday.” I wiped my nose with my arm. I was a classy kind of girl. My etiquette was stellar. “You should have heard the hurt in his voice when I said I needed space.”

  “He loves you more than you realize. I see how he looks at you. He lights up when you walk in the room.” There was a knock at my door. “I will get it, just in case it’s him.”

  Claire opened the door and gasped. I looked around her legs and saw the biggest arrangement of red roses and pink lilies that I had ever seen in my entire life.

  “Delivery for Elaina Cooper.”

  “Yes. Thank you.” Claire grabbed the flowers and closed the door. “Elaina…these are amazing.”

  “Oh, god.” She handed me an envelope that read, My Elaina. I slowly peeled it open with my trembling hands, and, for some reason, I decided to read it out loud.

  My dearest Elaina,

  I’m so lost, but all I know is that I love you so very much. My heart aches knowing that I may never hold you again. You are the first woman that I have ever cried over. After our fight, I spent the better part of the morning locked in my office, trying to get hold of myself. I’m hoping for the pain to subside in my heart, but I have a feeling it will never go away unless I know that you will be mine again.

  You’ve made me feel things that I have never felt before. You bring me to my knees. You are the first woman that I had ever made love to. The first time we were together, I couldn’t believe what I was feeling after only knowing you for 24 hours. You opened the floodgates for me. I want nothing more than to make you happy. You are everything that I need, and I hope that you will see that I’m everything you need.

  I’m not very good at this whole letter thing so I don’t know what else to say, but I’m sorry and I can only hope that you forgive me. Please call me. I will wait an eternity for you.

  I love you, and I’m lost without you,

  Henry

  “Elaina, no man would write that if he wasn’t serious about his relationship. You need to go to him.”

  “You think he means it?”

  “Good god, woman! Yes! Go clean yourself up, get in your car, drive to his office, and make that man’s pain go away. Look at you. You obviously feel the same. I will take care of these flowers and lock up for you. Now go!” I jumped up from the floor and ran to the bathroom.

  After I cleaned the tear stains from my face, I ran out of my apartment and ran to the elevator. I impatiently pounded on the “garage” button until the doors closed. I was nervous and antsy. The twenty minute drive would be the death of me. As soon as the doors opened, I bolted out to my car and drove like a lunatic to his work.

  I pulled into the blood bank parking lot, and saw that Henry’s truck was there. I thanked my lucky stars because I had the thought that, just maybe, he wouldn’t be there. I haphazardly parked my car next to his. I left my car in haste, and blew through the doors of the facility. There were a lot of people lounging in the waiting area.

  “Can I help you?” Jennifer, the receptionist, asked as she looked at me like I was crazy.

  “Where’s Henry?” I asked in a panic.

  “He’s in the draw room.” She pointed to the door on my right. “Give me a sec and I…” I left the desk, and she was yelling at me, telling me I couldn’t go in there, but fuck her. I had a man to make up with.

  I blew through that door, as well, and walked down the hall until I heard his voice. It was like music to my ears. I paused for a minute to try and gather myself.

  I walked to the door of the draw room. He was just coming out from around the curtain, taking off his gloves and throwing them in the trash. He paused for a moment, like he sensed me. He turned toward the door and saw me standing there.

  “Elaina?” He took a hurried two steps and met me at the door.

  “I got the flowers and the note.” My voice cracked, and then I shattered again. Ugh, only he could do that to me. He grabbed me and held me. “I’m so sorry, Henry. I’m so sorry.”

  “Love… Oh, god. I can’t even tell you. I was so afraid…”

  “I had no idea you felt that way.”

  “I’m sorry. I should have told you.”

  “I knew you loved me, but I didn’t know it was like that.”

  “I would give my last breath to you, and I’m not just saying that. I mean every last word.” He pulled me so close, I felt lik
e we were one. He loosened his grip, and I looked up at him. He held my face in his cool hands. “God, I love you.” His mouth came crashing down on mine. We heard someone clear their throat behind us, and we pulled apart.

  “Hey, bossman. I’ve got this handled if you need a few minutes.”

  Henry nodded. “Right. Come on. Let’s go talk in my office.” He looked back again. “I’ll let Jennifer know when I’m available.” His employee nodded.

  Henry walked me to his office. I had never been there before. It was pretty nice for an office. Nice clean lines, everything was neat and tidy and not one piece of paper was out of place. He closed and locked the door behind us.

  “So is this what the boss’ office looks like?”

  He smiled. “Yup. Pretty swanky, eh?” I laughed. “Give me a sec.” He hit the intercom on his phone. “Jennifer…?”

  “Yes, bossman?” It made me laugh a little that everyone called him that.

  “Hold my calls. I will let you know when I’m available.”

  “Alright.”

  “Thanks.”

  “You got it.” He hit the button and turned to me.

  “Come here, woman.” I shyly walked up to him. He ran his finger down my cheek. “You know the best part about fighting?”

  His voice had that sexy growl that made my inner core come alive, and made my panties want to drop to the floor. I shook my head with an innocence that I never possessed. Of course I did know, but I wanted to hear him say it.

  “The make-up sex.” Ding, ding, ding! We have a winner! That was exactly what I was thinking. He pulled me into him, and I felt his arousal.

  He kissed me with desperation. “I thought I lost you forever,” he whispered into my ear as he kissed his way down my neck. He picked me up and sat me down on his desk. I stiffened in a moment of worry that I wasn’t the first girlfriend to be taken on his desk.

  He stepped back for a second and cocked his head to the left slightly, sensing my recoil.

  “I’ve never brought anyone in here before, if that’s what you’re thinking.” I smiled and reached for him. He kissed me deeper, and started pulling my t-shirt off. I wrapped my legs around his trim waist.