Love & Light

by Michele Shriver

  Okay, so it’s Landon that initiated the conversation, not me. I didn’t ignore him or shut him out, though. I engaged. That has to count for something.

  “And now you might have a new friend.” Dr. Morris smiles. “That’s very encouraging, Kori.”

  I shrug my shoulders and stare out the window. “I suppose. Anyway, he’s also in my Psych class and we’re going to study together.” At least assuming Landon still wants to after I cried all over him last night. “Oh, and his mom died a few years ago.”

  Dr. Morris’ mouth opens, then closes. “So you have something in common with him,” he finally says.

  “Yeah, but he’s doing a lot better than me. He seems happy, adjusted. And I’m totally not.” I hate it too. I want to be normal. I want to feel normal. Whatever that is.

  “You’ll get there,” my doctor assures me. “The grieving process takes time. Your friend has had longer. Your pain is more raw. Do you think the medication is helping any?”

  I think about that before answering. I mean, I’m still depressed. I still don’t like being around other people, except maybe Landon. But I’m crying less, at least aside from last night, and I haven’t thought about ending it all for at least a couple months. “I think so. Maybe,” I say. “I seem to be doing a little better.”

  “I’m glad,” Dr. Morris says. “Psychotherapy is still an option, though. Have you given that any more thought?”

  “Yeah, but I don’t want to do it.” My answer is always the same. “I’ve already got a lot going on with school and everything. Why can’t I just talk to you?”

  “Korinne, you can always talk to me. You know that.” He smiles that same kind smile that reminds me a little of my grandfather. “I’m just a small town family practitioner, though. Perhaps you can benefit from seeing someone better trained to help people through grief and loss issues.”

  I’m quick to shake my head. “Not right now. I really do think I’m doing better, and I may have found a new way to cope with things and let some steam off.” I tell him about the boxing lesson Landon gave me last night. “He says it helped him a lot. I’m hoping it will help me too.”

  “I hope so. I’m encouraged by this new friendship, Kori. I think it could be a good thing.”

  “Yeah, me too.” I smile. “And all because you told me to get outside a little bit.”

  I talk with Dr. Morris for a few more minutes and he gives me a refill on my prescription. There’s still time before Landon’s practice starts, so instead of going back to campus right away, I decide to stop by home to say hi to my brother.

  Noah’s fifteen, pretty shy, and having a tough time dealing with our mom’s death. Like, who isn’t? I try to be there for him as much as possible, and he was one reason I wanted to still live at home this year and commute to campus, but my dad got on his kick about me having a regular college life.

  Whatever.

  “Noah? You home?” I call out when I walk in the house.

  “In here,” my brother yells from the living room. Sure enough, he’s playing some stupid video game.

  “How’s it going?” I greet him.

  He shrugs and doesn’t look away from the TV. “It’s going. What are you doing here?”

  “I had to see Dr. Morris, then I thought I’d swing by and say hello.”

  “I’m glad you did,” Noah says, turning around to face me. “You’ll stay for dinner, right?”

  I hesitate. If I do, it means missing baseball practice. This is my little brother, though, and besides, it’s not like I promised Landon I’d be there. He probably thinks I’m a basket case or a freak now, anyway. He’ll probably be relieved I’m not there.

  I reach out and muss Noah’s hair, even though I know he doesn’t like when I do. “Yeah, squirt. I’ll stay for dinner.”

  ~Landon~

  I hate the way I left things with Kori last night. I wanted to walk her back to her dorm, just to make sure she was okay. I didn’t want to pressure her, though, especially if she felt like she needed to be alone. I can totally see why my dad says what he does about crying women, because it sucked seeing Kori that broken up and not knowing how to help her.

  We didn’t have Psych class today, so I spent the whole day kind of restless in anticipation of baseball practice, hoping she’ll show up. I don’t have her phone number or any other classes with her, so it’s my only chance to see her.

  I hurry to change into my practice gear, and naturally Jaden notices.

  “I know you’re one of those guys that doesn’t mind practice that much, but you’re pretty wired today. Is something else going on?” he asks. “Something about that girl?”

  I’m not sure how much to tell him. He may be my best friend since eighth grade, but he’s not above some good-natured ribbing. Especially when it involves the opposite sex. “I’m hoping she comes to practice,” I say. “I don’t like the way we left things last night.”

  Jaden lets out a whistle. “Oh boy. Trouble already? You just met her, Grayson.”

  “It’s nothing like that.” I bend down to tie my cleats. “Kori’s going through some tough stuff, and she was a little upset last night.” Hopefully that’s not revealing too much.

  Jaden’s eyes narrow. “And you don’t have anything to do with that?”

  “Not directly, no.” Maybe a little, because I was the one that suggested the boxing thing, but hey, she didn’t have to agree. Besides, in some way, I think it probably helped her. “Just because a girl’s upset doesn’t always make it a guy’s fault, does it?”

  “I hope not,” Jaden says with a laugh. “Girls might disagree, though.”

  “No kidding.” I put on my ball cap and grab my glove from my locker. “You ready?”

  “Yeah. Let’s go see if your girl showed up.”

  “She’s not my girl,” I say as we walk out of the locker room to the practice field. “She’s just a friend and I barely met her.”

  “Sure thing,” Jaden says. “And that’s why you’re already worried about her emotional state.”

  I can’t deny that. I am worried about Kori’s emotional state, but it’s because I’ve been through the same sort of thing. I can’t tell Jaden that, though.

  Besides, I have bigger concerns. The bleachers are empty. I stop in my tracks, looking at the spot where Kori’s been sitting the past few days. I’ve gotten used to her presence and now she’s not here.

  Jaden gives me a pat on the back. “Relax, buddy. I’m sure she’s fine. Probably just running late.”

  I nod, hoping he’s right, but I’m still worried something is wrong.

  CHAPTER SEVEN

  ~Landon~

  I make sure I’m at Psych class early the next day so I don’t miss Kori coming in. She never showed up for practice yesterday, and even though rationally I know that Jaden is probably right and she’s fine, it still worried me. Maybe because I’ve been through something similar.

  Either way, I’m there early and seated near the back of the lecture hall. I usually try to sit closer to the front, but I’ve noticed Kori usually hangs in the back, so that’s where I am today so I can spot her when she comes in. I’ve got my backpack saving the seat next to me, and I’m thankful Amanda’s not in this class too. The last thing I need is her clinging all over me.

  More and more people file into the classroom, and there’s only a few minutes before class is supposed to start with still no sign of Kori, which only makes me more concerned. I keep turning around, looking at the door, hoping to see her, and finally I do. I hold up my hand to get her attention. “Hey, Kori!”

  She looks in my direction and nods, then comes toward me. When I pull my backpack off the seat I’ve been saving, she sits down beside me. “So now we’re supposed to sit together too?” she asks. She sounds annoyed, and that annoys me.

  “No one forced you to sit there,” I say. Are all girls this moody?

  She gives me a shrug. “I have to sit somewhere, don’t I? I’m running late today.”

&
nbsp; “Is something wrong?”

  “No, just got held up after my last class,” she says. “Why would something be wrong?”

  “I don’t know. You weren’t at practice yesterday.” Now I feel kind of stupid. It’s not like she has to come watch my baseball practices. We’re not a couple or anything, and I know practice is probably kind of boring, especially for someone who’s not even a baseball fan.

  “So you noticed.” Kori smiles, and I can’t help notice how pretty she is when she smiles. “Are you saying you missed me, Landon?”

  I did, but I’m not sure it’s such a good idea to admit that, so I try for what I hope is a noncommittal shrug. “Just noticed you weren’t there, and I know you were upset the night before so...”

  “So you were worried about me?” She’s still smiling, and I’m becoming embarrassed.

  I flip open my notebook, trying to avoid eye contact. “Maybe a little. Is that okay?”

  I expect some sort of prickly, defensive response, but instead Kori says, “Of course it’s okay. I think it’s sweet. You’re sweet, Landon.”

  Sweet. I’m not sure I want to be sweet. “Gee, thanks,” I mutter.

  “I meant it as a compliment,” Kori says and takes out her own notebook. “And I’m sorry I worried you. I actually planned to come to your practice, but I had an appointment with my family doctor down in Ashland, and then my little brother wanted me to stay for dinner. I would have sent you a text, but I don’t have your number.”

  So that’s it. She wanted to have dinner with her dad and her little brother. I feel like an idiot now for worrying, even if she did say it was sweet. “We’ll have to fix that,” I say. “About the number.” I can’t say anything else, though, because Professor Hollis strides into the room.

  ~Kori~

  I don’t usually mind Psychology class, but today it kind of drags. It’s not the subject matter. I just want the hour to pass so I can talk to Landon some more. I might have embarrassed him, or maybe offended him by calling him ‘sweet’—which I guess is maybe a word guys don’t like too much—but I do think it’s sweet and kind of adorable that he worried about me when I didn’t come to practice yesterday.

  It was strange not being there, but it was nice to have some time with my brother. I wonder if Noah might want to meet Landon, and vice versa. Even though I try to be there for Noah, I’m not sure how much help I am since I’m pretty messed up myself. And maybe Landon being a guy might be able to help more. I’m probably getting ahead of myself, though.

  Finally, Professor Hollis ends the lecture and I start to pack up my stuff.

  “Let me see your phone,” Landon says.

  “Huh?” I give him a puzzled look, but hand him my phone.

  He takes it from me and taps at the screen a few times, then hands it back. “Here you go. You have my number now. I’m in your contacts.”

  I look at my contacts screen, and sure enough, he’s there. “Thanks. Next time I’m going to miss practice, I’ll let you know,” I say. “Don’t want you worrying about me, after all.” I’m teasing him now, but I think he can handle it.

  “It’s just because you were upset the other night.” He swings his backpack over one shoulder and we walk out of the lecture hall together. “I wanted to walk you back to your dorm and make sure you were okay.”

  I nod. “I know you did, but right then, I needed to be alone.” As we get outside, I take a look around, in case the clingy girl from the other day is hovering nearby, but she’s not, which makes me happy. Even though Landon said she’s not girlfriend, I bet she’d probably like to be.

  “I’ll make it up to you,” I say, since we appear to be alone.

  Now it’s Landon’s turn to look puzzled. “What do you mean?”

  “I’ll let you walk me to my dorm now.” I tuck a strand of hair back behind my ear. “If you don’t have anything better to do.”

  He smiles. “No better offers. Lead the way.”

  “I’m in Grafton Hall,” I say, and we head in that direction. “What about you?”

  “Geneva Smith. So we’re close.”

  I can’t tell for sure if he thinks that’s a good thing. “Separated only by the dining hall,” I say, and immediately feel like a dork. One more reason I try to avoid talking to people. I’m not very good at it.

  It’s a short distance to Grafton, and before I know it, we’re standing outside and I’m not sure what to say. I finally settle on, “Thanks for walking me back.”

  “Anytime,” Landon says, and jams his hands in his pocket. “We have a home game tomorrow at two. We’re playing Keene State. You know, if you’re interested.”

  “I might be.” I already know I’ll probably go, but I’m not quite ready to commit to it.

  “Great. Hopefully I’ll see you there.” He shuffles his feet. “Later, Kori.”

  “Yeah. Lat—” I start to say, then stop. “Hey, if you’re not doing anything right now, do you want to come in? We can start talking about the Psych test, or maybe play some pool? We have a table here.”

  He hesitates before answering, and I wonder if I’ve overstepped or moved too fast, which is probably silly since he’s the one that suggested we study together in the first place and also just said he hopes I go to his game. “Sure thing,” he says after a few seconds. “That sounds good.”

  CHAPTER EIGHT

  ~Kori~

  I try not to second-guess myself as I lead Landon up to my dorm room. Sure, I barely know him and all that, and I think about the things my mother would caution me against if she were here. She’s not, though, and everything I know about Landon so far tells me he’s someone I can trust.

  “This is it,” I say as I unlock the door to my room. I go inside and toss my backpack on the desk.

  Landon follows me and takes a look around. It’s not much. I have a few pictures of my family tacked to a cork board, but that’s it. No posters of celebrities or anything like that. “You have a single room?”

  I nod. “Yeah, why? Is that weird?” I know a few people in the dorm have this idea that I’m some sort of anti-social freak because I like my privacy. Okay, maybe I am a little anti-social, but I’m not a freak. Not really.

  Landon shakes his head. “No. I think you’re lucky. I mean, my roommate and I get along okay, but sometimes I think it’d be cool to have my own space all to myself, you know?”

  I’m relieved that he doesn’t think I’m weird. Either that or he’s just being nice, but I don’t think so. I think he gets it. “It was a compromise with my dad. I didn’t want to live on campus, especially since home is so close, but he thought it would be better for me to experience dorm life. I agreed, on the condition that I could have a single room. I’ve got enough to deal with without a roommate from hell too.”

  “Roommate from hell, huh?” He lets out a laugh.

  “Hey, they’re out there,” I counter.

  “Yeah, I don’t doubt it. I guess I did okay in that department. Lucas is pretty cool,” he says. “So do you ever get lonely being by yourself, or do you have a lot of friends?”

  Friends? Now I almost laugh, although it’s not funny at all. “I have enough,” I lie. “And now you. We’re friends, right?” I hate the uncertainty that creeps into my voice and I realize just how badly I want him to say yes.

  “Yeah,” he says. “We’re friends.” He looks around the room again. “So should we try to get some studying done? I know you mentioned pool, and it’s tempting, but the test is in less than a week.”

  “No kidding.” I let out a sigh. “How about we hit the books for a little bit, then reward ourselves with a little study break?”

  “Works for me,” he says, and sits down on the floor and pulls out his psychology book and a notebook. “I think I take pretty good notes, and I’ve never missed a class.”

  “Neither have I. Couple of nerds we are,” I joke. “We should be able to figure this out.”

  The material for our upcoming test is mainly about right brain an
d left brain differences and memory, and even though some of it’s kind of confusing, it’s interesting enough too, and we get into a good discussion. Landon’s right that he has good notes, and some of the stuff that confused me, he seems to understand and vice versa. He’s definitely not just some jock out to coast by on my notes, and I think we make a good team. After an hour, though, my brain’s getting foggy.

  “Are you ready for a break?” I ask, stretching my arms out. “I’ll challenge you to a game of pool now.”

  “Challenge me, huh?” His eyebrows arch up and he smiles. “I’ll have you know I’m pretty darn good.”

  “Oh yeah?” I get up and set my books on the desk. “Then let’s go. Show me what you’ve got.”

  ~Landon~

  Kori’s challenge surprises me a little, but maybe it shouldn’t. She’s already proven to be pretty unpredictable in the short time I’ve known her. I think maybe that’s one reason she intrigues me. I always know exactly what I’m going to get with Amanda, and lately it’s all annoying and clingy.

  The pool table in Kori’s dorm is pretty basic, nowhere near as sweet as the antique one we have at home, but it will do just fine. “Do you play a lot of pool?” I ask Kori as she’s racking the balls.

  “I don’t know about ‘a lot,’ but I like to play,” she says casually, and I wonder if she’s understating it so I take her skills for granted or something. “So you think you’re pretty good, huh?”

  Now I wish I wouldn’t have said anything. She might think I’m cocky, and I won’t be able to sneak up on her. “Yeah, I suppose,” I say with a shrug, trying to minimize things a bit. “I haven’t played in a while, though.” It’s true. We don’t have a table in my dorm, and I’m not sure who I’d play with. Neither Jaden or my roommate Lucas are much into pool.

  “Do you want to break?” Kori asks, and I shake my head.

  “No, you go ahead. Why don’t you show me what you’ve got.”

  What she has is a more powerful shot than I expect, and it results in a good break, pocketing one of the balls. “Nice,” I say. “Maybe I do have my work cut out for me.”