Love & Light

by Michele Shriver

  “Noah, this is Landon,” I say, introducing them, and watch as my brother’s eyes light up.

  “Is it true you play college baseball for the Panthers?” he asks.

  Landon nods. “Yep. I’m a pitcher. I’ve won my last three starts too.” It doesn’t even sound like boasting when he says it, and I can tell Noah is impressed.

  “That’s so cool.”

  “Yeah, I like it,” Landon says. “Your sister’s been coming to my games. I think I’m turning her into a fan. You should come watch us sometime too.”

  “That would be awesome.” Seeing Noah’s excitement at the possibility of going to one of Landon’s baseball games makes me wish I’d thought of it myself. I know it’s something he’ll enjoy.

  “Kori, do you and Landon want to join us all for dinner?” my dad wants to know. “Or do you have other plans?”

  I look to Landon. I’m going to leave this one up to him. Dinner out with the whole gang might be more than he’s ready for, and if he wants to leave, we will.

  “No other plans,” he says, giving me a smile. “Right, Kori?”

  “Right. Dinner sounds great. Where do you want to go?”

  We throw the names of a few places around and finally settle on Noah’s favorite restaurant. After all, this is his night.

  Landon walks ahead with Noah as we leave the high school auditorium, and I know my brother’s pestering him with baseball questions. He doesn’t seem to mind, though, and it gives me a chance to talk to my aunt a little as we tag along behind the rest of them.

  “Landon seems very nice,” Alison says. “I like him.”

  “I do too. A lot.” It seems natural to admit that now.

  “I can tell he’s good for you. You seem much happier since the last time I saw you. More alive.”

  It sounds like a funny thing to say, but it’s true. I am more alive these days.

  “Aren’t you glad I persuaded you to give him a chance?” my aunt continues.

  I laugh. “Of course you want to take all the credit.”

  “Of course.” She laughs too.

  She’s right, though. I’m very glad she gave the kick in the rear I needed to take a chance on Landon. In a short time, he’s already given me so much.

  CHAPTER TWENTY-SIX

  ~Kori~

  I can’t recall the exact turning point, but it happened. I’ve turned into a baseball fan. I don’t just come to watch practice because Landon wants me to be there or because the weather is nice and my doctor thinks it’s good for me to spend time outside. I’ve become a serious fan.

  I sit with Landon’s parents at all of the home games and I cheer just as loud as they do. I understand pitch counts and fastballs and switch hitters and I could probably give batting averages too. Noah’s come up for a few games and he teases me about being a baseball groupie, if there’s such a thing for a college team.

  Unfortunately, the regular season is over, and the only games left will be in the Little East Conference tournament. It’s the last practice before the team leaves for the tournament, which this year is hosted by Southern Maine. I’d love to make the trip to Gorham and watch the team play, but my dad vetoed that, saying I’ll miss too many days of classes. With finals coming up, he’s probably right that it would be a bad idea, but it’s going to be strange having Landon gone after getting used to spending so much time together.

  Today’s a gorgeous spring day, and there are more people than usual watching practice. It’s so different from the start of the season, when the snow had just melted and the team first moved outside and I was the only the one sitting in the bleachers. Now the team’s doing well, there’s excitement about the tournament, and being a Plymouth State baseball fan is the cool thing on campus. It’s silly, but it makes me feel good that I was here before it became ‘cool.’ It’s probably the first time in my life I’ve ever been cool at anything, and it all happened by accident.

  Even with more spectators in the stands, I still like to keep to myself. I don’t hate people. I don’t deliberately try to avoid them anymore. But I also don’t deliberately seek them out to spend time with them. Today, though, someone seeks me out, and it’s not someone I care to interact with.

  “Hi Kori,” Amanda says, plopping herself down beside me. “How’s it going?”

  Better until you got here. “Pretty good,” I say with a shrug. “How about you?” We’re not friends, and I’m skeptical why she suddenly seems to want to act like we are, but I try not to be deliberately rude to people.

  “Great,” she says, giving me the fake smile. “Busy, of course, with finals coming up, but fortunately we have a great study group with the sorority.”

  The sorority again. Like I care? I nod. “That’s good for you, then.” I don’t really have a study group, other than Landon for Psychology, so I’m pretty much on my own for finals. That’s one drawback of spending half the semester being anti-social and depressed.

  “Are you going to Maine for the tournament?” she asks me, and I shake my head.

  “No. I don’t want to miss classes. Are you?” I’ve heard from Landon that Amanda’s kind of dating his buddy Jaden now, but I’m not sure it’s serious. I don’t care, either, as long as she stays away from Landon. It bugs me a little that he slept with her, but I know it was just a one-time thing and he’s not really interested in her. Still, she’s never going to be my favorite person.

  “No, I’m not that into baseball,” Amanda says. “I just figured you might be going, since you’re such a big fan. And to keep an eye on your guy, of course.”

  Keep an eye on Landon? I frown. “What’s that supposed to mean?”

  Amanda shrugs, but it doesn’t look casual. “Oh, you know. Boys will be boys, and all that. Especially athletes, when they’re away in a different city. Tournament time, lots of girls around from different schools. I’m sure you get the picture...”

  I do, and I can’t say I like it. “Landon’s not like that.”

  “Oh sure. I wasn’t trying to imply otherwise...” She waves her hand as if it’s nothing, but I know better. That’s exactly what she was trying to imply. “You guys seem to be pretty serious.”

  “We are, yes.”

  “Then of course you have nothing to worry about. Landon’s true blue. It’ll be fine.”

  “That’s right,” I say firmly. I’m not going to let her prey on my insecurities.

  She doesn’t say anything else, and we sit there in silence for a few minutes, until it looks like the team is finishing practice. Amanda stands up. “I’m going to go say hi to Jaden,” she says. “It’s been nice talking to you, Kori.” She gives me the fake smile again.

  “You too,” I lie. It’s been anything but nice.

  ~Landon~

  As we’re finishing up practice, I notice Amanda sitting in the bleachers next to Kori. After the last time, I’m always a little wary when I see them together, afraid Amanda might start something again. Hopefully now she’s too focused on Jaden. Things have been going so good with Kori and me that I don’t want to invite or imagine trouble where it doesn’t exist.

  I like where things are with our relationship, which is both serious and progressing slowly. We spend most of our free time together, but I don’t want to press Kori for anything she’s not ready for. I’m happy to be with her in any capacity, and she seems to feel the same way. I love the support she gives me at all our games, sitting in the stands with my parents, and lately her brother Noah has been tagging along too.

  I wish she could come along to Maine when we go play in the conference tournament, but her dad said no to that, wanting her to focus on finals. I understand it, even if I don’t like it. I feel like I play better when Kori is watching, so selfishly, I want her there, cheering me on. I don’t want her to fall behind in her classes because of me, though.

  I breathe a sigh of relief when Amanda leaves Kori to meet up with Jaden. I don’t think they’re serious, rather he just likes the attention, but either way it doe
sn’t concern me. My focus is Kori, and I head over to where she’s sitting in the bleachers. The same place she was a couple months ago, but we’ve come so far since then.

  “Hey.” I give her a soft kiss on the lips, then sit down beside her.

  “Hey, yourself.” She greets with a smile, the same smile I love to see. The one that was so scarce in the beginning, so guarded, but now reveals itself more often.

  “Did you enjoy practice?” I lean back in the bleachers, resting against the row behind me, and link my hand through hers.

  “I guess,” she says. “I still like games better. Your slider’s looking good, though.”

  “Thanks,” I say with a grin. “I’ve been working on it a lot, hoping it’s something the Colonials might struggle with.” Western Connecticut is likely our first game in the conference tournament, and I want to be ready.

  “You guys will do great,” Kori says. “I still wish I could go.”

  “Me too. I think you’re my good luck charm.” I lean over and give her another kiss. “But you’ll be there in spirit, right?”

  “Absolutely. And following the game on the radio, or online, or whatever.”

  I believe her, because she’s become my biggest fan and supporter over the past month. “You’re the best,” I say, kissing her again. I want more, but I also know she’s not ready, so I’m not going to push. “Besides, I need someone to take good notes for me in Psych class while I’m out of town.”

  I mean it as a joke, but Kori’s smile fades. “Hey, is something wrong?” I ask, suddenly concerned. “Did I say the wrong thing?”

  She shakes her head. “No. It’s not you. It’s me,” she says. “I just have a lot on my mind lately.”

  “Sure, I know that.” After all, finals are coming up, and even though she doesn’t like to talk about it, also the anniversary of her mother’s death. It’s a lot of pressure for her. I stretch out, then stand up. “I’ve got to go shower and change, but do you want to meet up later?”

  It’s basically a formality at this point. We always get together at the dining hall, then go do a little boxing, shoot some pool, or study. This time, Kori shakes her head. “Not today. I’ve got a project I need to work on for my Economics class.”

  I frown. “Are you sure everything’s okay?”

  “Of course. It’s fine. I just need to work on this project.” She leans in and kisses me. “Go hang out with your friends, and I’ll see you tomorrow, okay?”

  .

  CHAPTER TWENTY-SEVEN

  ~Landon~

  We make it to the championship game of the conference tournament before losing to UMass- Boston six to two. Although it’s disappointing to come so close to making it to the NCAA Championships and falling short, it was still a successful season. We accomplished more than I expected from my freshman year, and I think all the guys are feeling optimistic about what we can achieve next season.

  With the season over, I pour myself into studying for finals as soon as I get back from Maine. Kori and I meet up in the library to study for our respective exams, and to go over all of our notes for the Psychology. Fortunately, she did take good notes while I was gone, and I feel pretty confident heading into the final.

  I wish I felt as confident about where things stand with Kori, but she’s been different since I got back. We’re still talking, still hanging out together, but something seems off. She’s not smiling at all, and it’s hard to engage her in conversation. It reminds me a lot of when we first met, before she started to open up to me. I’m hoping it’s just stress from exams and once we get this out of the way, she’ll be back to being the fun, playful girl that I’m now used to.

  The Psych final is our last one, and I’m anxious for it to be over. I want to take Kori out to celebrate finishing our first year of college. I even made reservations at a nice restaurant in town. First things first, though. We have an exam to take.

  “Are you ready to ace this thing?” I ask Kori as we take our seats.

  She smiles, but I can tell it’s forced. There’s no light in her eyes and no optimism in her voice as she says, “I hope so.”

  “Hey, we’ve got this,” I say, trying to reassure her as the exams are being passed out.

  She doesn’t respond, and I chalk it up to stress. We just need to get through this last exam and everything will be fine. It has to be.

  I finish early and I feel good about how it went. Kori is still finishing the exam, so I wait outside for her. I know she likes to take her time, and there’s only a few minutes left in the test period when she comes outside.

  “Hey. What’d you th—” I start to ask, then stop when I see the look on her face. She’s pale, her mouth is tight and she looks like she might cry. “What’s the matter, Kor?” I reach out and try to put an arm around her, and she jerks away.

  “I bombed it. I completely bombed it. I forgot the whole concept of social facilitation, and fight or flight and I’m sure I failed it.” She’s talking so fast I barely make out the words. “Now I’m going to flunk out of school and lose my scholarship.” She starts to shake, and I’m afraid she might fall, I put my hand on her arm.

  “It’s okay.” I say. “It’s just a couple of questions, and you did so well on the other tests that you can bomb this one and still pass the class. You won’t flunk out. You won’t lose your scholarship. It’ll be fine.”

  “No, it won’t be fine! Why do you always say that?” She jerks away from me again. “Maybe it is for you, because everything comes easy. Baseball, school, getting over your mom’s death. All of it. Everything’s so easy for you. Great. I’m thrilled. But it’s not for me, and it never will be. I’m just a pathetic, depressed loser who can’t cope with life. No wonder you probably found another girl when you were in Maine.”

  “Wait a minute. What the hell?” I can’t help raising my voice. I have no idea where that accusation came from and I want an explanation, but I forget all of that when Kori’s knees buckle and she sinks to the ground.

  “Kori!” I go to my knees and wrap my arms around her, and this time at least she doesn’t move away from my touch. “I’ve got you, honey, and it’ll be okay. It really will.”

  She doesn’t say anything, instead rests her head against my shoulder as the tears come.

  ~Kori~

  I don’t know how long we stay like that, crouched on the sidewalk in front of Rounds Hall, me crying in Landon’s arms. I’m sure we’re quite a spectacle, but I don’t even notice. Finally, I manage to pull myself up, and with Landon’s arm around me as we walk to my dorm.

  When we get to my room, I splash cold water on my face, trying to wash away not only the tears, but the hurt and pain as well. It’s the second time I’ve fallen apart in front of Landon, and I expect him to want to run, but as I turn away from the sink, he’s still there, sitting on my bed, his expression concerned.

  “Feeling better now?” he asks softly.

  “A little, yeah,” I say, then choke out a single laugh. “I guess maybe it wasn’t such a good idea to go off my depression meds, huh?” It’s a lousy attempt at a joke.

  “You went off your medication? Why?”

  “Because I thought I was better,” I say, but the words sound hollow and false. I didn’t really think I was better. I just wanted to be. “I wanted to be better. I don’t want to be a basket case all the time. I don’t want to be depressed and sad. I want to be normal.”

  “You are normal,” Landon says. “It’s completely normal to be depressed after what you’ve been through. It’s nothing to be ashamed of.”

  “Yeah, right...”

  “It’s not,” he says, looking me right in the eye. He pats the spot on the bed next to him. “Come here. Come sit beside me.”

  I do, and he puts his arm around me. It’s immediately comforting. “I always feel better in your arms,” I say, hating how weak and pathetic it sounds.

  “Then stay here and let me just hold you,” he says. “I’ll hold you as long as you want.” />
  “Why are you being so nice to me?” I want to know.

  “Because I care about you,” he says. “Because you’re special to me.”

  I want so much to believe that, just like I want to be better. Healthy. Happy. “I don’t need your pity.”

  “Is that what you think it is?” he asks, sounding incredulous. “Because you’re wrong. Completely wrong. I don’t see pity when I look at you. I see a beautiful girl who’s hurting.”

  Hurting. There’s that word again. “Don’t you get it? I don’t want to be hurting. I don’t want to have to take a pill to help me get through the day. I bet you didn’t have to do that.”

  “This isn’t about me. It’s about you,” Landon says, not really responding to what I just said, which is all the answer I need.

  “Do you think this has all been easy for me?” he asks.

  “Hasn’t it?” The words come out like an accusation.

  “No. Do you want to see how easy this hasn’t been for me?” Landon shakes his head. “Fine. Tomorrow, I’ll take you and show you. Tonight, I’m just going to hold you.”

  CHAPTER TWENTY-EIGHT

  ~Kori~

  Landon makes good on his promise to hold me, and I fall asleep in his arms. I’m surprised when I wake up and it’s morning already. The sun is peeking through the window of my dorm room, and everything already seems a little bit better. A new day, sun shining, and Landon holding me. I still feel down and I’m still worried about how I did on the exam, but things don’t seem as bleak as they did last night.

  The tilt of my head to look at the window causes Landon to stir too. “Hey,” he says. “Is it really morning?”

  “Yeah.” I sit up and stretch. “Hard to believe.”

  “Am I going to get in trouble for staying here all night?” he asks.

  “No,” I say, shaking my head. “Though some of the girls on the floor might have something new to gossip about.” I chuckle at the thought. Here everyone thinks I’m this moody, anti-social freak, and now I’ve got a starting pitcher on the baseball team spending the night in my room.