My Diary, by Mason Fox (Heart of Stone #8)

by D H Sidebottom

It was then that a choked sob broke from me. Quickly covering my mouth before Ren caught it, I stood up and pulled it free from the piece of chewing gum I’d stuck it to the wall with. Flick’s arm was around my waist, his fingers curled over my hip as we both laughed hysterically, tears streaming down our faces at a joke we’d shared.

  “Listen, I’ll be back in ten minutes,” I told Ren as I stuffed the photo into my own backpack. “Do not answer the door to anyone but me. I’ll knock as usual.”

  She nodded, still trying, and failing, to get Mr Big to fit in beside her colouring book and pencils, Miss Daisy, and thankfully, her toothbrush. “Say bye to him for me.”

  She looked at me with the knowing gaze of an adult, her pain for me as strong as my own. Unable to reply, I clenched my jaw and nodded.

  “Hey Dove,” Flick greeted with his usual huge smile as he wiped his oily hands on the rag that hung from the waistband of his jeans and gave me his full attention, the bore of his eyes piercing my soul, like it did every time he looked at me. He was fixing up a Harley, had been doing for the last eight months, and as I stood and stared at it, it occurred to me that I would never see it finished. I would never get to ride on it, my arms around the waist of the man I loved as we broke the rules and tore over the open roads. Now some other girl would get that privilege. And fuck, did that hurt more than anything. “Baby?” Flick said softly when he saw the devastation wash over me.

  I’d been in love with Flick since I was six. Since he had beaten up Drew Peters when he’d pulled my hair and kicked my shin. But I could never tell him. He was nineteen. What would he want with me when he could have any girl willing to… give herself in that way? I was fourteen, plain and boring. I was tall and lanky, had no breasts and my long brown hair was wild with a mass of unruly curls, not sleek and dyed the latest colour like the girls I saw Flick out with. To him, I was just a friend, a girl that travelled with his kinfolk from place to place, taking over every empty field with our shitty rundown caravans. And strangely, as much as I was in love with him and dreamed of a future with him, I wanted him to get out of this shit. I wanted him to make something of his life, find a girl who was devoted to him. Find a woman to marry, and to live in a big house with lots of children around him. I wanted happiness for him. Even if I had to forfeit my own for him to have his.

  And I could never give him those things. A family. Happiness. Not anymore. For more reasons than one.

  He pulled me into his strong arms when I couldn’t hold back the sobs any longer. Using him, I clung to him, engraining his amazing scent and the feel of him to my memory as his fingers softly rubbed up and down my back. “Dove, what’s wrong?”

  Pulling back, I looked up at him, then lowered myself on to his van steps. “She’s gone.”

  He froze, his gaze probing. Knowing what I was saying, he hissed out a curse and ran his fingers through his thick black hair, then, causing me to jump up, he spun around and kicked out at the Harley with his boot.

  “Flick!” I cried. “Don’t do that.”

  I bent before the bike and scooped up the part he’d knocked off with his furious strength. “Leave it,” he said quietly but I scurried around, picking up the screws he’d knocked loose. He’d need them, he couldn’t afford new ones. “Leave it!” he shouted.

  I flinched, stilling. Remaining on the floor, refusing to look at him, I whispered. “I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.”

  Grabbing my shoulders, he pulled me up and held me to his chest. “Don’t you be sorry for what that bitch does! Don’t you ever, Dove!”

  I nodded against him, hating that I was wetting his favourite t-shirt with my stupid tears.

  “Where will you go?”

  I grabbed on to him tighter. “I’m so scared, Flick.”

  “I’ll come with you,” he said suddenly.

  Rearing back I stared up at him in shock. “You can’t do that!”

  “Of course I can. I can look after you and Ren. I’ll get a job, we’ll find a nice little house somewhere…”

  “But why?” I choked out, “W-why would you do that?”

  He squinted at me as though I’d asked the stupidest of questions. “You know why, Dove.” His voice was gruff as his fingers trailed across my cheek. His brilliant green eyes secured mine. “I love you. I’ve always loved you.”

  I stumbled backwards, my head shaking in denial. “You… you can’t!”

  As much as his words ignited a fire inside me, my heart swelling to bursting point, they also broke every part of my soul. So long I had wanted to hear those words leave his amazing lips, and yet now, now it was too late. Too fucking late.

  He smiled, a gentle, tender smile that ripped every piece of me apart. He took the one step needed to get close to me. My body was trembling, my skin breaking out in goosebumps as he slowly brought his lips to mine. One of his hands spread across the nape of my neck, holding me and refusing my escape as the other sought for my hand, his fingers threading through my own when he found it. The world seemed to shift beneath my feet. My soul was floating somewhere above me as Flick kissed me with an adoration that took my breath away. I was too in love with him to move away. To deny myself this one last thing.

  He devoured the sob that ripped from me as my fingers slid into his hair and I fisted it in my grasp, the softness of it burning its way into my memories. My heart rate was so furious I was scared I was going to pass out and my knees buckled, making his hand leave my neck and wrap around my waist to support me.

  Eventually he pulled away, his large rough hand cupping my cheek. “I’m coming with you.” It wasn’t a request, it was an order.

  As if on instinct, I reached up and drew my thumb softly across his bottom lip, the moisture from our kiss transferring on to my thumb. “Okay, I’ll meet you here at eight.”

  He grinned at me, his eyes lighting up and sparkling like emeralds. “I’ll be ready.” Excited, he pressed his mouth firmly to mine. “I love you, Dove. We’ll be okay, we will. I promise. I’m going to take care of you both.”

  I looked up at him, my eyes moving from the green of his striking eyes, to the deep contours of his heavy cheekbones, to the gruff manliness of his chin, to the soft pout of his lips, and I nodded.

  With everything that was to come, throughout the brutalities I endured to keep my little sister fed, nothing was more painful than walking away from him that day.

  At six o’clock, Ren and I slid from the campsite, our hands clasped tightly and my heart as numb as the frost on the ground.

  And we never looked back.

  She left Mr Big behind.

  And I left my soul with him.