Slipstream

by Leslie Larson

  “It’s a pregnancy test.”

  He turned it over in his hands. A hunk of plastic with two little windows. He was conscious of Carolyn watching him, and for a moment he saw himself as he thought she must: a middle-aged guy with a craggy face and neat hands, the fingernails trimmed and clean. At least there was that.

  His eyelid quivered.

  His reaction was important. Be careful, he told himself.

  “I guess you wouldn’t be showing me this unless you were pregnant,” he said in a measured voice.

  She nodded.

  “And unless it was mine.”

  He winced as soon as he said it, but Carolyn didn’t seem to take it the wrong way. She nodded again. He kept turning the damn thing over in his hands.

  “Unless one of those doves flew in my ear and I’m about to give birth to the Second Coming,” she added.

  “You’re sure?”

  “I did it twice. Plus I know. The way I feel.”

  He nodded.

  She snatched it out of his hands to keep him from playing with it. “You’re making me crazy!” she burst out. “I can’t tell how you feel. Whether you’re happy or pissed off or what.”

  “Neither can I,” he said. Something was welling up from his lower gut, but it got stuck in his throat. Talking was hard. He suddenly felt sleepy, like he’d like to close his eyes and sink into a deep nap. “How do you feel about it?” he asked.

  “God, I don’t know. A lot of different ways. It changes about a hundred times a day. I guess a lot of it depends on how you feel.”

  “Uh-huh. Well,” he said, stalling. “God, I don’t know. I have to admit, I’m kind of stunned. I mean, when you called today, it just didn’t enter my mind that anything like this could have happened. I know that’s stupid, but, God—” Wylie slapped himself in the forehead. Finally he felt something—a rush of anger. “How could I have been such an idiot?” he cried. “We were so careless! What was I thinking?”

  “I just didn’t think it could happen,” Carolyn answered, as if he had accused her. “My period is so irregular, and my age and all that. Even the doctor said it was unlikely. Very unlikely. I just thought I couldn’t. I thought it was too late.”

  “Forty-one isn’t that old,” Wylie said, trying not to sound like he was scolding her.

  “It is, though. Do you know how many people my age want to get pregnant, but can’t?”

  Wylie scratched his chin. His temper was so close to kicking in that for a minute he didn’t trust himself to talk. Instead he walked through the whole thing in his mind: screaming that she’d tricked him, kicking over the table with all the snacks, storming out of the room, slamming the door, peeling out of the driveway. “I’m a little confused,” he said after a minute. His voice was thick with repressed fury. He cleared his throat. “I thought you told me it was okay. I thought you said you couldn’t get pregnant.”

  Carolyn shook her head. “No, I told you what I just said. That it was unlikely. That’s what the doctor said. We were sloppy. Nothing happened this whole year we’ve been sleeping together. But I never told you it was impossible.”

  “Well, I guess I misunderstood.”

  Now Carolyn heated up. “Come on, Wylie,” she said. “Don’t act like I put one over on you. You had the same information I did. For whatever reason, this happened. It just did. That’s what we have to deal with. If you want to point fingers, fine. But it’s not going to solve anything.”

  He’d never seen her angry before, at least not at him. For some reason it calmed him down. “I’m not pointing fingers,” he said in a conciliatory voice. “I’m just surprised, that’s all. I’m kind of in shock, if you want to know the truth.”

  But Carolyn didn’t back down. “If you want to get mad, get mad!” Her face had gone white. Her nostrils flared. “Why don’t you let it out for once? Tell me what you’re feeling. I can’t read your mind.”

  “I don’t want to get mad. You don’t want it, either, believe me.”

  “Is that some kind of threat?”

  “Not at all. I’m just trying to be adult about this. For a change.”

  Carolyn let her head fall back on the couch. Rain hit the windows, harder now. She rubbed her face with her hands. “The last thing I want to do is fight about this,” she said in a tired voice. “Can we just go to bed? I’d really like to be prone. Let’s continue this conversation between the sheets.”

  Wylie took his time undressing. When he’d taken off his shirt and shoes, he sat at the edge of the bed and massaged his feet, which hurt from standing all day. Carolyn had shed all of her clothes in a heap on the floor and was already in bed with the blankets pulled up to her chin. Wylie could just make out her face in the faint light from the big window that looked out over the trees.

  “Got any beer in the fridge?” he said. When she didn’t answer, he added, “Just kidding.”

  “Very funny.”

  “Lame, I know.” He watched the branches bouncing in the wind. Far beyond, fuzzy in the mist, he could see a line of yellow lights. “Have you ever thought about this? You know, having kids,” he said. “Have you ever wanted them?”

  “I thought about it for a while. Once, in my early thirties or so. But things weren’t right, you know.” From the sound of her voice, Wylie could tell she was looking out the window, too. “I kept thinking later, later, later. I could always do it later if I wanted. I’d see how I felt and how things went. Then, all of a sudden, it was later. There wasn’t any more time. So I thought okay, it’s not going to happen. It wasn’t meant to be. I was a little sad, but mostly it was a relief. I didn’t have to think about it anymore. Then this happens.”

  Wylie nodded in the dark. His feet gave off a cabbagey smell, and he wondered if he should go wash them. The rain sounded nice on the roof. He was reluctant to get into bed.

  “What about you?” Carolyn said. “Did you ever want kids? I mean, you were married and all. Didn’t you ever think about having them?”

  “Twice. I was married twice.”

  “I know. So?”

  Wylie sighed. Continuing the conversation was like forcing himself to run when he was tired, or lifting something heavy. Hard, painful. He searched his mind. There was so much to say, it seemed useless to start. After all this time. Be brave, he told himself. Just launch right in.

  “There was this woman, after I got out of college. When I came out to San Francisco. My first love, I guess you’d call her. Anyway, I fell pretty hard.”

  That got Carolyn’s attention. She sat up in bed.

  “What was her name?”

  “Coral.” It felt strange, a little embarrassing, to say her name after all this time. He saw her perfectly: her crescent eyes, her quick way of moving, her prehensile feet.

  “For real? Or was that a name she gave herself?”

  “It was for real, but I called her ‘Corral.’ For fun, you know.”

  “And the two of you thought about having kids?”

  “No, not really. Well, once she thought she was pregnant. She might have been, in fact. But there was no question, then. I mean, there was no way she would have had the baby. She was going to have an abortion. But it turned out she wasn’t pregnant, or she had a miscarriage, or something. In any case, she didn’t want a baby. I didn’t either, I don’t think.” He scratched his chin. His eyelid flickered and he was glad for the dark. “But the funny thing was, after that, every time I thought about having a kid, I thought about having it with her. Even when I was married. Both times. I guess I was still holding out in some way. She was in the back of my mind, even though I didn’t really know it.” He paused, amazed at the simple realization that Coral was probably the reason that both of his marriages had failed. Well, part of the reason. “With my wives, it didn’t seem right. I mean, I was crazy then. Boozing it up, you name it. I was mixed up. And they weren’t the right people. Besides, I was in no shape to be a father. I’m still not, if you want to know the truth.”

  Carolyn
chose to ignore his last remark. “What happened to her? To Coral?”

  The inside of the window was fogging. Eucalyptus leaves slapped wetly against the glass. Even though Wylie was shivering, cold sweat ran down his sides. He still didn’t want to get in bed.

  “Who knows? We were only together a couple of years. She dumped me. I don’t blame her. I was fucked up then, royally. Unlike now.” He laughed. “I don’t know what happened to her, or where she went. When I picture her, it’s always like she was then. Sometimes I think I see her in a store or something, and I have to remind myself that she’s different now, that I probably wouldn’t recognize her. She must be married to someone else. Maybe she has a bunch of kids with him, who knows?”

  He heard Carolyn swallow in the dark. It couldn’t be pleasant listening to him talk about an old girlfriend this way, but then she was the one who’d asked.

  “What was it about her?” she asked in a flat voice.

  If Carolyn wanted to be a glutton for punishment, who was he to stop her?

  “I was just fascinated by her, from the first time I saw her. I don’t know what it was. She just seemed so sure of herself. Everything she did, it was perfect. I just watched her, all the time. I couldn’t get enough of looking at her, no matter what she was doing. That was part of the problem, I guess. She always used her feet to do things: pick clothes off the floor, throw paper in the trash. I wouldn’t have been surprised if she could type with them, dial the phone.” He gave a little laugh. “She was like a place I couldn’t leave, even after she was long gone. I never felt like that again. When I got married the first time, it was like we were playing house. Honey, I’m home and what’s for dinner. We had some good times, don’t get me wrong, but it was never in the same class as Coral.”

  Well, he’d done it now. For better or worse, Wylie sat back to see what would happen. He felt a little better, like he’d taken some control over the situation.

  “Is that how it is with me?” Carolyn asked, predictably. “Like playing house?”

  “I shouldn’t have told you all that,” Wylie said, larding his voice with concern.

  “No, I’m glad you did. Really. It’s better.”

  “Really?” Wylie said, a little hurt. Was she trying to get back at him by acting like she didn’t care? No woman could have liked what he’d told her.

  “Yeah, really. It makes it more real, for both of us. I mean, I hear where you’re coming from. And you hear it, too. Besides, the more you tell me about her, Coral, the more real she becomes. As in less powerful. Sounds like she takes up a lot of space in your life, but how long has it been since you’ve seen her?”

  The fluttering eyelid thing was really getting on his nerves. He chewed his lips before he answered. “Twenty, twenty-five years.” Even then he was cutting it short.

  “Right. So maybe you’ll start getting over it if you don’t keep it all to yourself. Maybe you’ll get on with things.”

  “That’s not really for you to say,” he started in. “Like I said, I was wrong to tell you all that—”

  “Oh Jesus,” Carolyn interrupted in an exasperated voice. “Let’s just give it a rest, can we? What are you doing out there? I’m freezing. Get in bed.”

  He took off his Levi’s, folded them carefully, and put them on the seat of the chair. He hung his shirt over the back and placed his shoes underneath. As soon as he slipped between the sheets, she glommed onto him. She threw her thigh over his, her arms across his chest.

  “What’s with the undies?” she said.

  “What?”

  “Take them off,” she ordered, tugging on the waistband.

  “Jesus, wait a minute,” Wylie said, rolling away from her.

  They wrestled a moment, Wylie feeling odd and priggish as he fought Carolyn, who pulled his briefs down to his knees, hooked her toe around the top, and finally stripped them all the way off.

  “Much better,” she said, winding her legs around him again. She pushed her pelvis suggestively against his hip and took his dick in her hand.

  Wylie breathed heavily, but not because he was turned on. In fact, he could hardly remember ever having been less aroused. He forced himself to lie still, though he would have loved to jump up, get dressed, and walk out into the wet, leaf-smelling darkness, to climb into the familiar coffee-scented capsule of his car and drive away. He pulled her insinuating hand away from his numb, flaccid dick and trapped it against his chest.

  “What’s wrong?” she whispered, her lips brushing his ear.

  “I just—I don’t know. This whole thing has been kind of a bombshell, you know. I need to think about it. We need to talk.”

  “We can talk—in a little while,” Carolyn said. She straddled his leg and began licking his nipple.

  Wylie couldn’t help but laugh. “What’s up with you?” he said, taking her head between his hands and bringing her face to his. “Am I that irresistible?”

  “Absolutely,” she said. “Plus I seem to be having some kind of hormone surge.”

  Her lips slipped down from his nipple to his stomach, lingered on the skin just above his pubic hair. She cupped his balls in her hand, nuzzled his penis. Wylie looked at the ceiling, listened to the rain. Even when he was boozed to the gills, this had never happened. He’d always managed, somehow.

  “This is serious, isn’t it?” Carolyn said, lifting her head. Her hair brushed his thighs. “Is it that I’m pregnant, is that what’s freaking you out?”

  He groaned and pulled her up to him. “Shit, I don’t know,” he said. “I don’t think so. My body’s just shut down for some reason. Or maybe it is freaking me out. That something, someone, is in there.”

  “For Christsake, Wylie. It’s as big as a sesame seed. Nothing’s going to happen. We did it last week and I was pregnant then, if that makes any difference to you.”

  “Look, I’m not saying it’s rational. This is kind of a big thing, you know.”

  “Okay, whatever. Jesus, I’m not going to beg you.” She flopped over on her back, her hands over her head.

  The rain was getting fiercer. For a moment they lay listening to it. A tree screeched and groaned like a boat moored to a wooden pier. Then Carolyn snuggled closer, nestling into Wylie’s side.

  “It’s just that you’re so good,” she whispered.

  “Oh, please.”

  “I mean it. Didn’t I ever tell you that? From the very first time, I wondered where you learned your tricks. Who taught you that stuff?”

  “My second wife, the ball buster,” he answered truthfully. “She told me exactly what she wanted, then she showed me how to do it. She was a taskmaster. Very demanding.” With Coral, he’d kept it simple, he reflected. He’d been such an idiot. Now he wondered. If he’d had his moves down then…

  “Well, I guess I owe her. She should go into business,” Carolyn purred. Her hand sneaked back to his crotch. “For some reason, you being standoffish like this is really turning me on.”

  “Great. I’ll have to remember it for the future.”

  “Really. It’s driving me wild. The more you resist, the hotter I get.”

  “That’s twisted.”

  “I know!” she laughed.

  “Listen,” Wylie said, taking her hand once again and clasping it in his own, where it couldn’t get into trouble. “I feel like a schmuck, but I really think we need to get serious. How long do we have to think about this?”

  Carolyn sighed and pulled her hand away, giving up. “Well, I just missed one period. So we have time, but I guess the sooner we decide, the better.”

  “Okay,” Wylie said, relieved that she’d laid off him. He went on in a reasonable voice. “You know, the thing is that we didn’t plan this at all. We didn’t sit down and decide we wanted to have a kid. We never even talked about it. That doesn’t seem like a good way to bring a new life into this world.”

  “Unless we did it accidentally on purpose.”

  He gave an exasperated huff. She was getting on his nerves in
more ways than one. Deep breath, he told himself. “I don’t think so,” he said in a stern voice. “At least that wasn’t my intention.”

  “So you’re saying no.”

  “I’m not saying no absolutely. I’m just leaning toward it.”

  It was her turn to give an irritated sigh.

  “Why?” Wylie said. “Do you want to keep it?” Something else occurred to him. “Does it matter what I do? Would you want to keep it even if I didn’t?”

  “I thought about that. This is my last chance, you know. It’s now or never. But the thing is, I really don’t want to be a single parent. I know that might not sound fair, like I’m giving you an ultimatum or something. Really, I’m not. But I do have to admit that I don’t want to do this on my own. So it makes a difference if you’re into it or not. That’s just the way it is.”

  Wylie felt like someone had tied tourniquets around both wrists and squeezed the blood to his fingertips, where it thumped painfully. He cursed himself again for getting involved in the whole mess. At the same time a thought flashed across his mind like a fish breaking the surface of the water, leaping, flipping, and disappearing once again. What if ? For a second Wylie pictured a child, his child. Himself as a father. Just as quickly he dismissed the thought. It wasn’t for him, all things considered.

  “It’s just a hell of a lot of responsibility,” he said. “Your whole life changes. I mean, I’m a bartender. You have your own business. We’re both pretty independent.”

  “Yeah, but that’s no big deal. We wouldn’t have to change that much. I own this place. We don’t need a lot of money. We wouldn’t have to get married or even live together.”

  “We wouldn’t?” Wylie said. He didn’t know whether he was relieved or hurt.

  “No, why should we? We don’t have to do things by the book. We could carry on like we have been. There’d just be a kid around, that’s all.”

  “I could never see how people just did these things without thinking,” Wylie said. “Like Logan, my half brother. The guy has never had a real job in his life. He isn’t even forty yet, and he has five kids by three different women. At least five kids. It’s no big deal to him. Years go by and he doesn’t see them. Just like our old man. He was in and out, back and forth. Hang around for a couple of years, then go take a so-called job on the East Coast. In the meantime he got together with Logan’s mother, had him, left them, too. Went back and forth between us. I don’t want to be like that. I couldn’t do it.”