by Susan Lewis
Smiling as he slipped an arm around her, she leaned into his shoulder, and let him hold her as they turned to start back. Yesterday, after the probate officer had given her yet more bad news, Rico had driven her to Fowey to cheer her up, and had wanted to walk like this with her there, but she wouldn't allow it, not only because she didn't want to encourage him, but because she'd felt foolish, a woman her age with a man so young. However, in the privacy of the creek it was different, there was no-one to see them here, and she liked the feeling of warmth he gave her, but once they returned to the car she'd have to tell him that this kind of closeness must end now. The fact that she'd continued to make love with him after Shannon had gone was as mystifying to her as it was shaming, yet she didn't want to think of it that way, for she knew how much it had meant to him, and, in truth, it had meant a great deal to her too.
'Will you come to Italy with me?' he asked, as he drove them back to Shallard's Cross.
She turned to look at him and resisted the impulse to touch him. He'd asked her this question many times over the last few days, but only now was she seeing the similarity between her story and Dona's - neither of them could go with their foreign lovers because of their children. However, the similarity ended there, because she didn't love him the way Dona had loved her pirate, nor did she want to write a sequel that had him taking Josh's place.
'It is a very beautiful country, and we could be very happy there,' he told her, earnestly. 'I
will take care of you, and your children can come .
'You know it can't happen,' she said gently, 'but I'll always treasure the time we've had together.'
He looked so downcast as he said, 'It has been very special for me. The most special in all my life. I have never been in love before.'
Whether or not that was true she had no idea. If it were, the bitter irony of it wasn't escaping her, that she should be his first love, while he was her daughter's. 'If I don't go back to London yet,' she said, 'will you do something for me?'
'Of course, anything.'
She took a breath, knowing she wasn't going to say what he wanted to hear. 'Will you leave here and go back to Italy?'
He glanced over at her in confusion. 'With you?'
'No, not with me. Rico, you mean a great deal to me, but my children, my marriage... They have to come first, and while you're here ... It's not right, what we're doing.'
'But how can it be wrong when I love you?' he protested.
Knowing he already knew the answer to that, she turned to look at the passing countryside, and let her thoughts drift away from him to Josh. She presumed he'd be at the office now, but he could be at a meeting somewhere, or just finishing lunch with a client - or was he with Sylvia, using her to blot out the pain, the way she'd been using Rico? She had far more to fear from Sylvia than he did from Rico though, because he'd already proved how hard he'd found it to give her up, and remembering that Sylvia's new book was out tomorrow,
she wondered if there would be a party, and if there was, whether he'd go.
'I think,' Fen said later, 'if you do go rushing back to London now, you're likely to make things a whole lot worse. It needs time to settle, you all do, so I'm inclined to agree with Josh that you should stay here, at least for a few more days.'
Shuddering at the very idea of how bitter the scenes could be if she forced her way into the house now, Julia lowered her eyes to cover the pain. 'But the children are back at school,' she said after a while. 'I should be there for them.'
'Of course, but they're not babies any more, they can manage.'
It was true, thanks to Josh's mother they could, but it was tearing her apart to think of what Shannon was going through, and to know that there was nothing she could do to make it any better. 'Shannon won't speak to me, or answer my texts,' she confessed. 'I don't even know if she reads them, or if she even discusses it with Josh.'
Since Fen knew the whole story now, she was able to say, 'Obviously it was a shock, and a pretty profound one, but she'll get over it, I promise - and so will he. Once again, we're back to giving it time.'
Hoping with all her heart that Fen was right, Julia gazed down at the small fire she'd made in the kitchen hearth, and tried to think what to do next. 'If I do stay ...' She looked up at Fen. 'I've asked Rico to leave.'
Fen nodded reassuringly. 'That's probably a good idea,' she said. 'He's clearly besotted with you, which we've all known from the beginning,
but as big a confidence boost as it might be, it's not the kind of complication you need right now.'
How right she was, Julia thought, and sighing she pushed her hands through her hair. 'I've been getting these awful feelings of panic,' she said. 'Sometimes I feel so convinced I'm going to lose him, and the children, and everything we have that I just want to scream and scream to blot it all out. It's reminding me of how I felt when my father left, utterly desperate and needy and terrified I'd never see him again. I know that's not going to happen here, because obviously they're not all just going to disappear, but I remember the biggest fear I had when my father went was that he'd never really loved me at all, that it was just a pretence.'
Her eyes moved briefly to Fen's, and seeing how intently she was listening, she smiled weakly. 'I think that's what started happening with Josh,' she said, 'that as time went on, I became more and more convinced that he didn't really love me either, and that sooner or later he would leave me too, so to protect myself I started to withdraw.' She was shaking her head, as though baffled by the disconnect with her own psyche. 'I guess you could say that on some unconscious level I was actually making it happen,' she said, and gave a dry empty laugh. 'It seems I'm succeeding pretty well, wouldn't you say?'
Fen was smiling. 'Only in understanding what you're doing, not in pushing your family away. They love you too much to allow you to do that.'
'The children, maybe, I'm just not sure about Josh I think he's fallen much harder for Sylvia than he's admitting, or maybe even realises ...'
'You don't know that,' Fen chided, 'and actually the evidence isn't bearing it out at all, because before all this happened, didn't he tell you he'd ended it with her?'
Julia's eyes reflected the irony in her tone as she said, 'Considering the circumstances he probably doesn't see why he should give her up, and besides, I don't know for certain that he did.'
'But all he's said is that you need a break, not that he doesn't want you back, and you have to agree, it's not such a bad idea, because while you're feeling this afraid and insecure you'd probably end up stifling him.'
Julia nodded slowly as she considered that, and let her eyes drift off to the middle distance.
'You know what I think?' Fen said. 'I think there's a strange sort of serendipity going on here, that it should be your father who's providing you with sanctuary while you sort yourself out.'
Julia smiled. 'It's a nice thought,' she said. 'And God knows I need to do that - and where else would I go?' Then, after a pause, 'I have to be honest though, I don't think I can face going through any more of his things just yet. There's so much else going on with Josh and Shannon ...'
'There's no rush,' Fen reminded her. 'It's your house now. It all belongs to you, so you can go back to it whenever you feel ready.'
'I wish that were true,' Julia responded grimly, 'but now I know what the inheritance tax is going to be, I'll probably have to sell.'
'Surely it won't come to that?'
'It's over eighty thousand pounds, and the only
way I can afford that is either to sell the house or to ask Josh for the money.'
'Have you mentioned it to him?' 'Not yet, because right now the most likely answer will either be a resounding no, or yes, but as part of a divorce settlement. Anyway, I don't even want to think about it, I just need to work out how I'm going to sort out the unholy mess my life is in, and get Hamish Kincaid's manuscript back to him by the end of the month.' 'That soon? Have you made a start yet?' Julia almost laughed. 'I haven't even opened the
parcel,' she admitted, 'but don't for God's sake tell him that, because he's called twice in the last few days wanting to know how I'm getting on.' 'So what are you telling him?' 'I explained that I was prevented from making an early start by my father's death, which he grudgingly accepted, and now he's waiting to hear back from me after I've completed the first read.' 'Which will be when?'
'He thinks by the end of the day tomorrow.' Fen regarded her sceptically. 'Is that possible?' Julia nodded. 'Provided I can restrain myself from visiting any more disasters on my own head, then yes, it should be,' she answered. 'In fact, it could prove an absolute godsend of a distraction if Josh continues to insist we have a break - plus, I've started to have some ideas for a book of my OWN.'
Fen's eyebrows rose with interest. 'Can I ask what it's about?'
Julia laughed wryly. 'Would you believe a woman who's spent most of her life cultivating an
image of cool sophistication, total self-confidence and unshakable calm, while underneath it all she's a hot-blooded whore who's shagged more married men than she's sold hardback copies.' Fen laughed. 'You're basing it on Sylvia?' Julia's eyes rounded in innocence. 'Did her name cross my lips?' she challenged. Then, 'Actually it started out as a plan to make her leave Josh alone - I thought if I threatened to go public with some of the high-profile men she's had affairs with, she might just disappear into the ether, but then I asked myself, why would I do that to their wives? Then the more I thought about it, the more I could see what a pathetic little character she really is, hiding behind her ice-queen image, pretending she's above wanting what other women want, parading her success, using her sexuality, befriending women just to seduce their husbands - can you believe I was so stupid as to think she'd never use that technique on me? It's all a power trip, a game, a charade, because underneath it all she's just a sad and lonely forty-year-old bitch who hasn't found what she's really looking for, what we're all looking for, which is to be loved and appreciated, and to feel that we matter to the one person we love as much as they matter to you.'
Fen was regarding her curiously, though her eyes were starting to narrow as she said, 'As your lawyer, as well as your friend, I hope you're planning to weave in enough fiction to avoid a lawsuit.'
Julia smiled. 'Actually, I'm not really a vengeful sort of person,' she sighed. 'Sometimes I wish I were, but as much as I'd like to give that bitch everything she deserves, when it comes right
down to it I have to ask myself, do I really want to spend the next year focusing so intensely on her? The answer has to be no, but even if I did would I really let it be known that the main character is based on her, in order to make sure it was published?'
'Well, definitely hold onto the thought,'Fen advised, 'because it would be great publicity if you did, which would guarantee sales, and go quite some way towards settling the score.'
Only if she doesn't have Josh,' Julia responded quietly. 'If she has him, then the score will never be settled.'
The following morning, having already spoken to Dan on the phone twice, on his way to school and again at break, Julia finally settled down to make a start on Hamish Kincaid's manuscript. Since she always worked best when there was some kind of music or chatter in the background, she had the radio on low, which together with the sound of the rain outside should have lulled her smoothly into the story, but this morning it wasn't happening. Her head was simply too full of Josh and Shannon, and the fact that neither of them had spoken to her when she'd called Dan first thing, even though they'd both been in the car, nor had Shannon answered her text. Though she couldn't claim to be surprised, the hurt and worry were increasing to a point now where she kept tormenting herself with visions of rifts that went on for years, and resentments that could never be healed.
However, eventually, after reading the first few
pages several times, she found herself starting to let go of her turmoil and even registering some of what she was reading, until finally she became so engrossed that it was gone midday by the time she looked up again. Almost immediately she wished she hadn't, for suddenly reconnecting with reality caused a painful twist in her heart. Since there still hadn't been a call from Josh, she gave up reading for the moment and went to make herself a coffee while she decided whether or not to call him. The trouble was, she had nothing in particular to talk to him about, and she desperately didn't want to get into another row, or be any more hurt by the coldness of his manner, but nor did she want this silence to drag on for much longer.
In the end, though it was against her better judgement, she decided she had to call him because she couldn't stand this waiting any more, but even as she turned towards the phone it started to ring. Hoping and praying it would be him she quickly put down her coffee and reached for it.
'Hi, it's me,' Rico said.
Her disappointment was so intense that it sent a flash of anger through her. 'Hi, how are you?' she said, somehow managing to sound friendly, though she was already preparing an excuse to ring off.
'I am fine,' he answered. 'I am ringing to let you know that I will fly back to Italy tonight.'
Her relief was quickly swamped by a horrible surge of guilt. Brief as their love affair had been, it had clearly affected him deeply, and now he was doing this for her, even though he obviously didn't want to. 'I'm really sorry,' she said softly, 'I didn't
mean to hurt you, I just - it's ... If things had been different if I weren't married and perhaps a little closer to your age ...'
'Please don't say those things. I care nothing for them. I love you and I want you to come with me, so that we can always be together.'
'You know I can't,' she responded gently.
'Not now, but maybe later you change your mind.'
Feeling for him in his despair, while not wanting to lend him false hope she said, 'You must try to forget me now, Rico ...'
'Please let me come to say goodbye,' he interrupted. I want to look at you and hold you and kiss you one more time.'
'No, you mustn't do that,' she said. 'It'll only make it harder, for us both.' 'You can't stop me coming,' he said stubbornly. 'I know, but I'm asking you not to.' There was a long pause, then she heard the terrible anguish in his voice as he said, 'I will not give up hope, Julia. In my heart I know you are mine. You have made me so happy and so sad, maybe soon you will make me happy again.'
'No, someone else will do that,' she said softly. 'A beautiful Italian girl...'
'I don't want to hear you say those things. Please, don't say them, just tell me that you love me a little too.'
'It would be wrong of me to do that,' she replied.
'I will call you again when I get to my home,' he said abruptly. 'Please don't tell me not to, because I must.'
'OK,' she answered, not having the heart to refuse him, even though she knew she should.
'I go now,' he said, and before she could respond he'd put the phone down.
As she rang off too, she was imagining him in his room over at the house, packing and crying and knowing all the torment she was feeling in herself, and a very strong part of her wanted to go and comfort him. But it was for the best that he left now, without them seeing each other again, and before his feelings became any deeper, because there really never could be a future for them. She had much to thank him for though, not least the way he'd accepted her need for him to go.
If only Sylvia were so easily removed from Josh's life, she was thinking, as she continued to stare down at the phone. As the dread of what might be happening between them, even right now, this minute, took hold, an overwhelming panic started to seize her. It was so black and despairing and consuming that she could feel herself being sucked in deeper and deeper, so that it was hard to breathe and her whole body was shaking. Josh, please, please, she was crying inside. Don't do this. Don't leave me.
It took a while to steady herself, to make herself accept that she was creating scenarios that had no basis in reality. She had no idea where he was now, he might not be with Sylvia at all
, and he could well be feeling just as bad about what was happening as she was. She wondered if it would make her feel any better if he asked about Rico, even if only to demand she gave him up, or to find out if he was still there, but since the day
Shannon had gone back, Rico's name hadn't been mentioned between them again - and now she was unable to stop reading all sorts of things into that.
Deciding that it really wouldn't be a good idea to call him while she was still so on edge, she started back to the table, telling herself that he might call first if she left it a while longer. She gazed down at the manuscript, trying to find the will to go on, then registering the voice on the radio behind her she quickly spun round, intending to cut the programme dead. Instead she froze as she heard Sylvia laugh airily and say, 'Oh yes, he's very special. Very special indeed.'
'Have you known him long?' the interviewer asked.
'Actually yes, but it's only recently that we started to fall in love.'
Julia stared at the radio in horror.
'So if you won't tell us who he is, what will you tell us about him?' the interviewer probed.
'Oh, let me see. Well, he's very handsome, and very successful, and he knows exactly how to handle me.' She laughed playfully.
'What does he do exactly? I mean as a profession. I take it he is a professional man?'
'He is, but right now I'll go no further than that.'
'Then when can we expect the big announcement?'
'But you've just had it,' Sylvia protested with a laugh, 'I'm in love with the most wonderful man, and he's in love with me. Isn't that enough?'
'But at some point, if, as you say, you're going to settle down with him, we'll have to know who he is, so why not now?'
'You're rushing me,' Sylvia chided.
