Little Did I Know

by Mitchell Maxwell

  Anything and everything about being in love.

  For everybody was. Secunda could really sing. He was sort of a Jewish white-boy version of Joe Williams, and Kellie really knew how to play. The room was hot. Boys, girls, and those in between rocked and bumped against each other’s butts. It was fun. It was real. It was outside my ken of comfort, but I took Veronica and three-four-five-stepped with strangers.

  Secunda took it into falsetto and sang to anybody who ever had their hearts go pitter pat or stayed awake thinking of that good night kiss.Then he slowed his song down to where he was speaking in a slow rhythm, and everybody joined in for his final lyric. “I’m in Loooooove.”

  The place erupted in applause and cheers. Secunda held his fingers in a V, hunched over, and said, “I am not a crook” in his best Nixon. Pitchers of beer were passed around as everyone took a break and replenished before the next number, the next dance, the next connection. Secunda called Ellie, JB, and Janet to the stage and Kellie began to vamp “Boogie Woogie Bugle Boy.” The girls came in on beat and performed the jump-jazz number as a sexy trio that made you forget the Andrew Sisters ever sang that particular tune.

  The club began to dance again and, as we found our way outside, the jazz got jumpier and the place seemed to shake with happiness. Maybe you didn’t have to stick anal beads up your ass to find true pleasure.

  It was misting, just enough to cool us off for the next stop, the famous Crown and Anchor, where the music was so loud you couldn’t make yourself heard, the dancing was more a release than an art form, and coupling found a new definition. As we walked up and paid the door charge, there was a clap of thunder and then another. Lighting flashed across the sky. When it began to rain I thought of Capra.

  77

  I watched the bacchanal inside the Crown & Anchor. The smoke was foglike and made your eyes burn. The music was deafening. I was tired and done for the day. I had to work tomorrow and too much fun was worse than not enough. I felt as if I had eaten five pounds of chocolate and needed some air and, more important, some perspective. I was done with excursions outside the norm for the night, for the rest of the summer, and beyond. I’d do my work, live deeper with my girlfriend, and let those with needs I couldn’t understand play that game. I’d pass on the cock rings as well.

  I walked as far away from the chaos as the protective awning would allow, sat on an old wrought-iron bench, and watched the rain fill up the sea. I stared into the night for at least a half a hour imaging that Veronica was inside enjoying the manic insanity that was the dance floor of the Crown & Anchor. The air had been cleansed by the rain; my mind as well.

  I had started my summer thinking that I didn’t want to get lost along the way or fuck up my life before it started. I watched the rain pelt the sand, and it seemed to spell out You‘re Okay, Sammy. Upon closer look, I noticed the words, So far.

  Veronica came out. She smelled of smoke, and her face was sunburned and flushed from dancing, noise, and circumstance. She surprised me by sitting on the other end of the small bench rather than next to me. Her hair was wild, hanging loose across her face. She sat watching the water, the small waves rolling and lapping the shore. It appeared she was looking for something, hoping for a discovery to leap out of the gentle dark blue. We sat in silence for a long time. The music pulsed behind us, but with each passing minute seemed to fade away. Soon it was gone. All that remained was Veronica, myself, and a rain-soaked schooner harbor lit by an unmatchable light. Even in darkness, without a moon or stars, Provincetown had a glow about it that no one could explain. “Are you avoiding me?” she asked.

  “Not at all, honey. Aren’t you having fun?”

  “I am, but I’d have more if you’d come back inside and dance with me.”

  “I think I’m done with partying tonight. Besides, by the look of you, it appears you have already found lots of folks to dance with you.”

  “May I ask you a question?”

  “Of course.”

  “What did Gary tell you about me? Why do you suddenly think he’s a good guy?”

  “That’s two questions.”

  “Okay, may I ask you two questions?”

  “You already have.”

  “Well, then answer.”

  “As to why I think he’s a good guy, that’s simple. He gave me a sincere apology—or at least I believed it to be sincere. If he chooses to betray me, then I am the fool.”

  “I thought you were a don’t-fuck-with-me kinda guy.”

  “You misunderstand me, then. I am not a tough guy, I am just the opposite. I’d rather kiss the girl, watch the game, or sing a song than be tough. I’m not afraid of throwing a punch, but it never seems to solve anything, and the misery usually lingers. Life’s too dangerous and too small for anything but love.”

  “What if you’re wrong about Gary and he’s setting you up for a fall?”

  “Then he wins. What he wins, I’m not certain. But if I catch him in the act, I’ll clock him, and he’ll fall down, scrape his knee, and have to buy a new pair of jeans.”

  “It wouldn’t end there, you know. With Barrows, it never does, and you can’t ever forget that Barrows is his grandfather.”

  Again she watched the water. I saw a seagull swoop down out of the night to find a baby sand crab.

  “What did Gary tell you about me?” she asked after a long, silent minute.

  “Very little. Once he started, I found I didn’t care to know, so he stopped.” “Just like that? He stopped?” She asked this with surprise and dismay.

  “I’m not a welcoming audience for this tale. When no one is listening, why continue to speak? And I don’t care. Something bad happened and you were sad. Very sad. But you haven’t chosen to tell me what it is, or was. I didn’t expect that to happen, but it did. And you’re happy now, so all’s good.”

  I got up and walked to the water and absentmindedly kicked small pieces of leftover lunches and dinners into the sea. The seagulls were grateful, but left no tip.

  Things stilled again. “I am not what I appear to be,” she said.

  “You mean you’re a transvestite and want to confess? If so, this is the place.”

  “Would it bother you if I was?”

  I thought a long moment. Then I answered, “Yes, Veronica, it would. I don’t want to be with a pretty man dressed up like a pretty girl who when she takes her clothes off has a penis. Is that the surprise?”

  “No. I don’t have penis.”

  “Good. Feel free to borrow mine whenever the need calls”

  She didn’t smile or even move. She seemed locked in place and without air.

  “What do you think I need to know? I know enough to believe in your goodness and wisdom and big heart. I think you are delicious, and I am blessed every day you chose me and allow me to feel these things. You make me proud. I think of you as a muse, so in much of my young foolishness I worship you.

  “What did Gary tell you?”

  “Nothing. I stopped him because I simply don’t care.”

  “Then you don’t need to know?” she asked with frustration in her voice.

  The weather, the soft beat from the club behind us, and our positions on the bench all seemed a bit noir for late July. “Only if you need or want to tell me.”

  I waited a long time for her to speak. “Did you ever kill anyone, Veronica? Steal money? Get banged by numerous sailors during Fleet Week? Cheat on a test? Find a hundred dollars and keep it even when you knew who dropped it? Hit a kid? Hurt a dog? Lie to me? Betray someone?”

  With my last two questions I noticed that I’d hit a nerve. Now I was frightened. JB found us right then. Between puffs on her Lucky Strike, she let us know everyone was meeting in forty-five minutes out front to head home. Clearly sensing the tension, she ran off immediately.

  When JB was gone, Veronica spoke. “I lied to you and now I can’
t find a way to erase the lie.”

  “That’s what sucks about lying.”

  She paused several more seconds before continuing. “Did you know that my brother Eddie used to date Lizzy Barrows and that they had planned to get married?”

  “Of course not. You told me she testified against him at trial.”

  “Did you know that Gary Golden had been Eddie’s best friend since the third grade?”

  “No, I didn’t. Where is the lie in this?”

  “It’s one of omission,” she said softly, “which is just as deceitful.”

  “Veronica, you don’t have to say another word. It doesn’t matter to me.”

  I wanted to say something more. Perhaps to say that I loved her, but when that was said I didn’t want it cloaked in sadness. “As the Bible says, ‘from now on.’” I added.

  “Yeah, until you hear shit at a bar or when someone wants to hurt you, and then that sentiment is lost forever.”

  “Do you really think you are the only one that has darkness in your past? The only person with a burden or doubt or actions you wish you could bury?” “No, but mine matter, and I need you to hear me so I can feel we are still together and safe.”

  “Okay, then talk with me. I promise when we stand up together to leave, all will be well.”

  We sat together on the bench yet she remained as far away as the surface would allow.

  “Gary is the grandson of Barrows.”

  “I know that.”

  “Gary was Eddie’s best friend and Lizzy had been Eddie’s girl since when they were in high school.”

  I listened and nodded slightly.

  “The four of us used to spend time at the Barrows estate during the summer. Using the pool and the deck. Running the speedboat. We’d all stay for dinner often. Gary always had money, even if it was just the crumbs Barrows threw his way. But for the three of us, it was all new, and seductive, and hard to turn your back on.”

  My stomach churned and the anvil was slowly moving into place. “Barrows would join us by the pool sometimes, have the staff bring drinks.

  We’d small-talk, it was all fine. He was old and harmless. He talked about trusts he controlled that might help with my education or how he might invest in Eddie or send Lizzy off to Smith College. She’d been fantasizing about it since she was thirteen.”

  The rain had slowed. It was still steady, but with no wind. As the rain hit the bay water, now smooth as glass, it splintered the quiet calm of the inky sea. “We believed him. We all did. Even Gary. We asked Gary why his grandfather would be so generous to us, and he told us it was because he was lonely and had more money than he could ever spend. The visits came more often and then invitations, first in Plymouth and then Boston and New York. Eddie wouldn’t let Lizzy go on these out-of-town trips and he urged me to turn them down as well. He felt there was an implied expectation, and soon Barrows would call his marker, even though I was only seventeen and it would all lead somewhere very ugly.”

  We sat a few moments. Veronica was holding back tears and I let her compose herself. I ran inside quickly and found some napkins on the bar near the door.

  “I knew Eddie was right, but I didn’t care. I liked all the attention, the money. So I ignored the butterflies in my stomach and betrayed myself. Finally he asked, and I traveled to Boston with him. He had meetings that day and he gave me money to shop while I waited for him to finish his appointments. I feigned rejecting the money and said I was there for his company and the dinner that evening, nothing more. He found my protests amusing and played along, convincing me to enjoy myself and spend the money. He expected to see the outfits I was going to buy when we met back at the hotel at five.

  “I was so confused. I wasn’t stupid, I knew the day was taking me to places I never thought I’d ever face. I wanted to take the bus home, but I was afraid of offending him, and Gary getting angry with Eddie, so I continued on and bought some nice things—real nice, almost a thousand dollars worth.

  “Then I waited back at the hotel. He had arranged a two-bedroom suite where there was a sitting room and two private rooms off to each side. I was there earlier than him, so I mixed him bourbon and I had a glass of wine and put on one of the sundresses I’d bought. He arrived shortly after and was in a wonderful mood. He drank the bourbon and another, and I did the same with my wine. I changed from outfit to outfit and it was all so much fun . . .”

  She hesitated. I did nothing to help her over the hump.

  “It was fun and . . . until he called in his marker. He told me it was time for us to have sex. I was shocked, even though I had no right to be. Eddie had predicted this would happen, and I knew as well. I just never believed it in my heart. I thought I’d escape the cliché and move on unscathed.

  “I was afraid. I felt stupid and embarrassed. I told him I couldn’t have sex with him, that it wasn’t part of our arrangement. But my protestations rang hollow. I stopped talking and waited to hear what he would say or do. He sat on the sofa in this glorious opulent suite, and I knew then and there that I was a whore. I was a stupid young girl who’d convinced myself that an old, rich man wanted to be with me simply because my conversation was so scintillating. All the while, I did it for things. Stuff I never needed.

  “He sat a while and then got up with anger creasing his face. He grabbed the last piece of clothing I held in my hands and threw it to the floor. He slapped me across the face and shouted, ‘Who do you think you’re kidding?’ He took money from his wallet and threw it in my face. I should have run away, but I didn’t. Instead I slowly picked up the bills from the floor without saying a word. It amounted to nearly three thousand dollars. My mother makes five thousand in a whole year. I poured myself another glass of wine, and without his asking, I gave him another drink. I sat on the sofa across from him holding back tears. I drank my wine in a room filled with silence. It was surreal. I kept thinking if I walked out bad things would happen, even though I knew by staying I would stain my life.

  “He spoke as if nothing had happened. He told me about the restaurant where we would have dinner after we went to bed. It was as if I had no choice anymore. Finally, I stood and walked into the bedroom, the bed was a four-poster with a canopy. I removed my clothes and waited for him under the covers. After a while, he came into the room and walked into the dressing area and modestly changed from his suit into an expensive silk robe. Then he got into bed, removed the robe, and lay naked next to me.

  “I was crying silently, tears running down my face. He kissed me, and he tasted like age. I didn’t really respond, but I also didn’t stop him. He was annoyed by my just lying there and insisted I do better. I obeyed, and we had sex. It seemed to last forever, and when he was done, he rolled over and went to sleep. I stayed in the bed because I was too cold to move.

  “Finally, I got up and took a hot shower to try to wash it all away. I decided that I could never do this again, no matter the consequences. I got dressed and folded all the clothes I’d bought that day and set the money on top of them. I went into the parlor of the suite and called Gary at home. He answered on the third ring, and I quickly and without emotion told him what had happened. I asked him if he would come and take me home. He spit in my face through the phone line. He was furious and told me I had crossed a line that his grandfather would never allow to be forgotten. He said, ‘Finish the deed. Fuck him for a while and then break it off. At least the consequences won’t be as severe.’ Then he hung up on me.

  “I sat in that suite for an hour and didn’t move. I had to leave, but I needed some money to get home. I went quietly back into the bedroom and grabbed the money—every single bill. Barrows was sitting up in the bed as if waiting for me to return. I told him how I felt and that I had to remove myself from this situation and that it was over. He barely moved, but he stared me down and made me afraid. Quietly he said, ‘Get back in the bed, Veronica. Don’t be stupid and thr
ow your life away. We live in a small town and I own it. I can make it very hard on you and your family.’ I told him that whatever he did to me could never be worse than what I’d already done to myself. Then I walked out. I was young and stupid, but I knew enough to know that I hadn’t heard the last from Barrows.”

  Veronica was severely damaged, and the healing was not going to begin on the back deck of a club that doubled as a brothel in Provincetown Bay. I swooped her up into my arms and her face found my welcoming shoulder. Height has its advantages. She cried for many minutes. I stroked her hair and whispered that it was all right, that I would make it all right, and that I cared for her more than ever before. “Let’s get you home,” I said.

  I left her there for a brief minute while I found Secunda inside. He was wild, dressed in a gladiator outfit, sword and all. I pressed the key to the van into his free hand and swapped for his Alpha.

  “Have fun,” I said. “I have to get Veronica home. The party’s over.”

  I put my arm around her shoulder and walked her to the car. We headed back to PBT. She sat next to me looking out the window. The night had cleared, but there were still wisps of low-lying fog that whipped across the road like rabbits dodging our headlights.

  Eventually, I broke the quiet. “Veronica, I have done some things that haven’t made me proud. You’re not alone.”

  I wasn’t sure she heard me or wanted to listen. For now there was nothing more to be said. But I knew that over time there was a great deal more that needed to be heard.

  78

  We pulled into PBT at just past three with dawn waiting in the wings. The place was alive with light and music. While some of us had gone to the edge for the day, many of our coworkers had stayed home to “knit and play bridge.” Simplicity and comfort championed themselves this early morning.

  Veronica and I had spoken little on the drive back. We needed a rest from the drama and stuck to trivial things when we did say anything. In Casablanca, Bogart told Bergman that “the lives of three people don’t amount to a hill of beans in this crazy world.” Veronica and I were a pair. Nevertheless, I more than agreed with him. Tomorrow we’d all go back to work, sing our songs, and put on our shows. Additionally, the next few days would add a bit more spice to our stew. My parents.