by Rebecca Reid
‘Lila,’ she shouted. ‘Come on.’
Lila looked up. ‘I’m trying to make my phone work,’ she shouted back.
‘I’m not retarded. No shit. Come down, we need to go.’
Scowling, Lila made her way towards them, sliding down a section of the hill. Nancy’s stomach twisted as she watched Lila, apparently oblivious to how high up she was.
Hearing Georgia whimper, ‘Be careful,’ Lila laughed.
‘You mean, don’t do stuff like this?’ She stepped closer to the edge, tiptoeing along a piece of rock that jutted out. Behind her there was only purple-yellow sky. Georgia gasped and turned away.
‘That’s not funny,’ said Nancy. Lila was wasting time, and showing off. ‘I mean it.’
‘I mean it,’ mimicked Lila, doing the stupid clipped voice she always used when she was doing an impersonation of Nancy.
‘Come on, Georgia. Let’s go.’ Nancy knew that the only way to deal with Lila was to treat her like a child. She began to walk away, heading back to the clearing. Georgia kept pace with her and, as if by magic, a moment or two later Lila ran up behind them.
‘Hey, guys,’ shouted Georgia, standing in the middle of the clearing. ‘Nancy and Lila and I are going to go up a bit further and explore. We’ll meet you at the camp, OK?’
‘What?’ said Heidi.
Inevitably, Heidi was going to be the problem. She probably thought an overnight camping trip where she got to sleep next to Lila was the greatest thing that had ever happened to a human.
‘We’re only going to explore a bit higher up,’ said Lila. ‘It’s no big deal.’
‘Aren’t we supposed to stay in our assigned groups?’ asked Carmen.
‘I don’t think it matters,’ said Georgia. ‘Honestly, it’s fine. We’ve all finished the task, right?’
Carmen didn’t look impressed.
‘Miss Brandon said we weren’t supposed to go any further than the first base,’ said Heidi resolutely.
‘I doubt you’ve ever been to first base,’ laughed Nancy. The other girls joined in, giggling at the joke. Heidi stuck her bottom lip out. ‘Miss Brandon told us not to,’ she repeated.
‘It’s starting to rain,’ said Katie, looking at Georgia. ‘Mind if we just meet you at the campsite?’
‘Good plan,’ said Georgia sweetly. Nancy decided to forgive her for the inane chat about her brother.
‘We’ll be right behind you,’ Nancy added. They wouldn’t be coming down, obviously. They were going to get ‘lost’ for long enough that Brandon had to call for back-up. But the others didn’t need to know that.
‘Are you sure?’ called Heidi. ‘We’re supposed to stay in our groups.’
All three of them rolled their eyes. ‘Want to take this one, Li?’ said Nancy, under her breath. It was about time Lila did something about Heidi.
‘Just go,’ Lila called down. ‘We’ll be down in like ten minutes.’
‘It’s dangerous,’ whined Heidi.
Nancy felt her frustration building. ‘Tell her to fuck off, Lila,’ she said. ‘She’ll listen to you.’
‘Fuck off,’ Lila shouted across to Heidi, who stood unmoving at the top of the path. Her face twisted with hurt and shock. Nancy realized that in all the years Heidi had been a complete pain in the arse, she’d never heard Lila say a bad word to her. Heidi turned on her heel and fled down the path.
‘Thank fuck for that,’ said Georgia as she watched Heidi’s navy-blue anorak get smaller and smaller. Nancy heard the click of a lighter and her nostrils filled with the comforting smell of smoke. She reached over and took Lila’s cigarette, pinching it between her thumb and finger and dragging on it.
Nancy sat down, back against the steep grassy ground, legs dangling over the side of the path. ‘We can have a little break, but then we need to start walking. We’ll go down the other side of the mountain, and then start walking that way,’ she pointed. ‘It’ll be totally plausible. We only need to get far enough away that it takes them a while to find us. Did you check the map?’
Georgia smiled as she settled on the ground next to Nancy. ‘Yep. She so didn’t want us finding any pubs. It’s got basically nothing on it.’
Lila stepped forward, leaning out over the path, looking at the sharp drop down.
‘Stop it, Lila,’ said Georgia. ‘It’s too high, you’re making me feel sick.’
‘Do you really think she’ll get in trouble for losing us?’ said Lila, sitting down.
‘One hundred per cent,’ said Nancy. ‘You know how anal they are about their reputation. Even if it only makes the shitty local news, it still makes them look stupid. They’ll be furious.’
Lila sighed loudly and threw her head back. ‘Guys, look at the sky. It’s amazing.’
‘You’re so gay,’ replied Georgia.
‘She’s right,’ said Nancy. ‘When was the last time you were this far away from everything?’
‘It feels like a whole different world,’ said Lila, lying down on the ground, her rucksack a pillow. ‘I wish we could stay here forever.’
‘How long d’you reckon we’d last?’ asked Georgia.
‘Depends,’ Nancy replied. ‘How many cigarettes have you got?’
Lila laughed. ‘Two packs. Had to keep space for the vodka.’
‘George?’
‘One pack. Don’t forget the coke, Nance.’
‘I still cannot believe that you brought coke on a school trip,’ Lila laughed. ‘You’re my actual hero. I love you.’
A silence settled between them as they sat, watching the sky. Nancy knew they should move. They needed to get going, the sky was angry and it was getting darker. But there was something so raw about sitting here, so completely free of everything that had felt oppressive back at school, that it was hard to make herself move. The others felt it too, she knew they did. So they sat. They sat and watched the clouds change and the sun taint the sky, and they spoke without saying anything, because that was what it meant to have spent every waking moment together for the last five years.
NOW
Nancy
‘Hey, sweetie,’ said Nancy, sitting down on the bench next to Lila. The bench was cold on the back of her legs, dampness seeping through her tight trousers. Great. Now she’d get to enjoy a wet arse for the rest of the evening. Georgia hovered in front of them, looking nervous and goose-pimpled. Georgia never had been able to handle the cold. She had still worn vests underneath her school uniform until she was embarrassingly old, and spent most of the winter term swaddled in cardigans that her mother had knitted for her. At least she’d had the foresight to bring a bottle of wine outside with her. She caught Georgia’s eyes and looked pointedly at Lila’s hand. Nancy leaned over, topping the half-empty glass up, almost to the top. It was what they used to call a ‘Lila measure’, back in the days when getting blackout drunk was still acceptable. Nancy could sense Georgia’s disapproval at the top-up, but now that they had Lila alone, Nancy wasn’t going to give Lila a hint of an excuse to go back inside, not until they’d talked to her. Not until Nancy had got the truth out of her.
Lila brought the glass up to her lips and slurped noisily on it. It left a red ring around her mouth. God, she was a mess. There was something seedy about her that hadn’t ever been there before.
‘What’s going on with you, Li?’ said Georgia.
‘Nothing,’ she slurred. ‘I’m fine.’
‘You don’t seem fine,’ said Nancy. ‘Georgia says you haven’t for a while.’ She leaned forward and looked into Lila’s face.
‘Is that why she’s here?’ said Lila, talking to Georgia.
‘No,’ Georgia replied, too quickly. She hadn’t expected Lila to clock anything suspicious about Nancy’s visit. Couldn’t she take a holiday and visit her friends without an ulterior motive?
‘I’m here because I wanted to see you both. And I wanted you to meet Brett,’ said Nancy.
Lila snorted. ‘Sure.’
‘It’s true.’
‘You’re here because she told you she didn’t like the way I was acting. She couldn’t deal with it so she told tales.’ Lila looked up at Georgia. ‘Right?’
Georgia looked embarrassed. ‘I told Nancy I was worried about you, yes. You’ve been so low. It’s because I care, Li. It’s not like I told tales on you.’
‘We’re a team, remember?’ said Nancy, copying the voice Georgia was using, low and gentle. It wouldn’t do for Lila to spook and run inside, or even worse, leave. She needed this over and done with so that she could go back to Boston with Brett and get on with her life. ‘We’ve always been a team, ever since school. If you’re down, we’re down. That’s how it works.’
Lila was drinking greedily from her glass again. ‘We’re thirty-three, Nancy; this isn’t like a sleepover.’ She hesitated before adding: ‘And you can’t do anything anyway.’
‘You’ve been through something incredibly hard,’ Nancy went on. This wasn’t going the way she wanted. Not at all. ‘We understand.’
‘No you don’t.’
‘I do, actually,’ came Georgia. ‘I’ve been there.’
Lila looked up. Her face was nasty. ‘You can’t get pregnant. That’s not the same.’
Nancy tried not to let the surprise show on her face. It wasn’t like Lila to talk to Georgia like that. Or to anyone like that.
Georgia looked like Lila had thrown a drink in her face. She was young and healthy and fit. Her hips were designed for childbearing and she’d been talking about baby names since she was twelve. And Georgia didn’t fail at anything.
‘I know it’s not exactly the same, but I’m just saying, I get it. Whenever a cycle doesn’t take, it’s like a loss every time—’
Georgia had said ‘whenever’ – which meant there had been multiple cycles. Which explained the hidden pregnancy tests and ovulation sticks under the bed and the sad, secret box of baby clothes in the wardrobe.
‘It’s not the same,’ shouted Lila. Her voice was wrong in the soft quietness of the late-night garden.
Nancy studied Georgia. The increase around her waistline and the slight puff to her face made more sense now. How many times had she tried? And why hadn’t she said anything? Nancy knew doctors. Experts. She could have given Georgia advice. Set her up with the best people in the world. She could have helped.
‘You know why you can’t have one, right?’ said Lila, quiet again. ‘You know why I lost mine?’
Neither of them said anything. ‘It’s because of what we did.’
Nancy felt a sensation akin to falling.
So Georgia was right. Things were that bad.
Without needing to hear another word she knew exactly what Lila had done. The story that she had concocted in her mind. A fairy tale. A children’s story. Stupid, childish Lila had written herself a myth and now she had convinced herself it was true.
Georgia had been right. Right about all of it. Now everything that Nancy had tried to squash down inside herself was spilling out, into her bloodstream, pumping around her body. For the last few weeks, ever since she had read Georgia’s email, she had repeated the same thing over and over inside her head. ‘It’s ridiculous, she’s overreacting,’ had become a kind of mantra. She said it in the cab in the morning, in the bathrooms at work, in the dark kitchen of Brett’s apartment at three in the morning.
But it wasn’t ridiculous. Georgia wasn’t overreacting. It was true.
Lila wanted to talk.
‘It’s because of what we did. That’s why. And sometimes …’ she paused. Nancy held her breath, willing herself not to say anything. ‘Sometimes,’ Lila went on, ‘I think we should tell someone.’
‘About Miss Brandon?’ asked Georgia, her voice almost too quiet to catch.
Lila’s head slopped from side to side. ‘We’re being punished.’
A sharp noise caught Nancy’s attention. She and Lila simultaneously looked up. Standing in front of them, looking horrified, was Georgia. She had dropped her glass.
‘Sorry,’ she stammered. ‘Sorry.’
Nancy watched as she crouched down, hurriedly picking up shards of glass and casting glances back behind her to the kitchen, like she was worried someone would come out.
‘Shit,’ Georgia winced. She’d stood on a shard, bright in the orange lights of next door’s upstairs windows. Nancy looked at Lila’s bare feet. She’d always wondered if the shoeless thing was natural or whether it was an affectation. It had been so long that it might be both by now.
‘I’ll help,’ swayed Lila, stumbling towards the pile of broken glass.
‘No,’ yelped Georgia, holding an arm out, protecting her little pile of treasure. ‘You’ll hurt yourself.’
‘You’ve hurt yourself,’ said Lila. ‘I’m not as shit as you think I am,’ she slurred.
‘I don’t think you’re shit.’
‘You’re acting like I’m a baby.’
‘If the shoe fits,’ Georgia said. She lowered her voice but no one was stupid enough to think that she was trying to stop Lila from hearing her.
‘What?’ asked Lila, resolutely picking up shards of glass with her bare hands.
Nancy knew she should intervene. She should interrupt their stand-off.
The jagged stem of the wine glass had rolled underneath the bench. Lila crawled forward and picked it up, getting unsteadily to her feet. Nancy contemplated confiscating it and was reminded, for the hundredth time, why she didn’t want children.
‘Give me that,’ said Georgia, but her voice was empty of authority.
‘I’m going to put it in the bin,’ said Lila, holding the sharp end in her hand.
‘You’ll cut yourself,’ said Georgia.
‘No I won’t.’
‘You will,’ retorted Georgia, her voice rising. She reached forward, trying to snatch the stem from Lila’s hand. ‘Look at you – you’re a mess.’
Lila looked shocked. Nancy registered the surprise on her face and realized that perhaps Lila didn’t know, maybe she had no idea what a mess she had become. But how was that possible? Didn’t she see how they all looked at her? Georgia said that Lila and Roo couldn’t get a social invitation to save their lives, after all the drama and mess they’d caused at dinner party after dinner party.
‘You always act like I’m so shit,’ said Lila, her voice rising. ‘And I’m not. I’m not.’
Nancy should step in. Take the lead. Be the grown-up. That was what she’d been summoned for, after all. But after years of making their decisions for them, she wasn’t sure they deserved any more help.
‘Just give me the glass,’ Georgia was insisting. She seemed to be trying to sound like a grown-up but Lila’s coldness about the IVF had clearly rattled her.
‘Fuck off,’ Lila shouted.
‘You’ve cut yourself,’ said Nancy. A trail of blood was leaking out of Lila’s closed fist. The stem clattered to the ground. Both Georgia and Nancy were inspecting her hand in seconds.
‘It’s not deep,’ said Georgia, the relief dripping from her voice. The last thing they needed was for Lila to bleed out on the patio.
‘I’m sorry,’ said Lila, tears running down her cheeks.
‘It’s fine,’ said Nancy. She tried to inject as much sympathy into her voice as she could as she pulled a tissue from her pocket and pressed it to the tear in Lila’s skin.
‘Georgia’s right,’ said Lila, looking from one friend to the other. ‘I’m a fucking mess.’
‘I didn’t say that,’ Georgia replied.
‘Why aren’t you two like me?’ asked Lila, swaying. ‘Why don’t you care? Why don’t you feel guilty about it? Why don’t you feel anything?’ She shouted the last word and Nancy felt her patience fraying. A window slammed shut somewhere above them and Nancy watched as Georgia, predictable Georgia, searched for which one it had been, which one of her neighbours might now think that she was less than perfect.
‘It wasn’t our fault,’ Georgia said. ‘We were kids, and we didn’t do anything wrong. Remember?�
�
Jesus. If that was the most convincing line Georgia could think of, if that was all she had to silence Lila with, then it was very lucky that Nancy was here.
‘Let’s sit back down, Li,’ said Nancy conspiratorially. ‘Come sit next to me, OK? We want to talk to you, we want to sort this out. We love you. And we want to make things better. But you’ve got to work with us if you want us to help you. OK?’
Lila looked from Georgia to Nancy, her eyes wide and her lip wobbling. It was the face of a child, a child who desperately wanted to believe what she was being told.
‘OK,’ she whispered.
THEN
Nancy
It was a bit like getting out of bed. They all knew that it had to happen eventually, that they had to get back on to their blistered feet and trail up the narrow path, up the mountain, to get ‘lost’. It was the plan. It was how Miss Brandon was finally going to get what was coming to her. But every stolen moment, every moment they put it off, felt like a treat. Nancy wasn’t sure how long they had been there, but something inside her shifted. She stood up.
‘Come on. It’s almost dark. We’d be stupid not to.’
Georgia sighed a long sigh, the kind which usually irritated Nancy. For some reason, today it didn’t. ‘I wish we didn’t have to go. I wish we could just stay here.’
‘Me too,’ said Lila. As if on cue, a bead of rain landed on the bridge of Nancy’s nose.
‘I know,’ she said. ‘But we need to stick to the plan. Back on the path, and up we go.’
Georgia looked around them. ‘You’re sure about that, Nance? It’s not that light any more. You don’t think it’s too dangerous?’
Nancy quashed the voice in her head which agreed with Georgia, the voice that said they should go back down, put their safety above point-scoring over Miss Brandon. ‘It’ll be fine,’ said Nancy, trying to sound sure. ‘We don’t need to get very far to get lost anyway.’
‘OK,’ said Georgia. It was gratifying how easily Georgia seemed to believe her.
