by Rebecca Reid
‘I hate this rucksack,’ whined Lila as she dragged it on to her back.
‘Just a moment, girls,’ came another voice. Nancy didn’t need to look up. She knew who it was. Standing in the middle of the path was Miss Brandon. Next to her was Heidi.
‘What are you doing here?’ Nancy asked Heidi. Lila and Georgia stood either side of her. Together they filled the path. Nancy felt a passing sense of gratitude that she wasn’t standing on the outside, with nothing but raw empty space next to her.
‘I’m supervising this trip, Nancy, and Heidi was worried about you,’ said Miss Brandon. ‘What were you three thinking?’
‘I wasn’t talking to you,’ Nancy said. They were already in trouble. There was no point in sugar-coating it or sucking up to Miss Brandon. ‘Heidi, what is your problem?’ Heidi seemed to shrivel. She didn’t answer.
Nancy swivelled her eyes, working out her options. They could turn and go up the path, putting more distance between them. But it was impossible to ignore the distant rumbling noise that sounded suspiciously like thunder, and the rapidly increasing darkness. And Heidi had seen them. She would defend Miss Brandon – tell tales on them.
‘Any chance you girls would like to explain to me where you were going?’ asked Miss Brandon.
‘We were taking a break,’ replied Lila, her voice sweet.
‘Don’t lie to me,’ said Miss Brandon. ‘Heidi told me what you girls were planning to do.’
‘Planning?’ asked Georgia, making her blue eyes even wider than usual. ‘We don’t have a “plan”.’ She made air quotes with her fingers as she said the word. Nancy smirked. It was a nice touch, it implied that Heidi was lying and Miss Brandon was paranoid. Miss Brandon’s eyes narrowed. She looked confused. Like she wasn’t quite sure who to believe.
‘I have no idea what you’re talking about, Miss Brandon,’ replied Nancy. This was fun. It wasn’t as good as staring up at the sky with a cigarette between your lips. It wasn’t even as good as Brandon getting bollocked for losing students on her disaster weekend trip. But they’d got to her – made her doubt Heidi, doubt herself. Miss Brandon was standing so close to them that Nancy could see the faint lines on her forehead. Not so perfect now. The new job was taking a toll, clearly.
‘Like Lila said, we were resting for a while. Nancy was feeling faint. We were planning to re-join the girls and carry on with the trip. You can ask the rest of the groups, if you like?’ Georgia smiled. ‘They’ll tell you.’
Nancy rewarded Georgia with a wide smile. She was good when she tried.
‘If you don’t mind, Miss Brandon,’ said Lila, ‘we’re keen to get down to the bottom before it gets any wetter.’ She picked up her rucksack. ‘Are you coming, girls?’
As if on cue, the wind picked up, screaming through the long grass and filling their clothes with freezing air.
Sad though she was to take her eyes off Miss Brandon, Nancy stooped to pick up her rucksack. The dirt path under her feet was starting to soak with rainwater and Nancy wanted her feet back on flat ground. Immediately. But Miss Brandon and Heidi stood stock still in the middle of the path.
‘You were told to complete the trip in your assigned groups, and you were told to come down once you reached the first level on the mountain. Heidi told me that you pushed the other girls into leaving you up here, and that you were going to go further up on purpose, because you wanted to get lost.’
Nancy turned to Lila, seconds from opening her mouth to berate her for telling Heidi the plan, but she stopped herself.
‘If that’s what Heidi told you then you need to ask Heidi why she’s making up stories about her friends,’ came Georgia’s voice. Her tone was husky, raised over the noise of the wind. The rain was beating down now, harder and harder. Nancy’s legs were sodden, rainwater was creeping into her shoes.
‘Miss Brandon,’ said Nancy, ‘it’s getting dark, we’re getting wet. Don’t you think it would be best if we made our way back down to the bottom of the mountain? You wouldn’t want to put us in any kind of danger, now, would you?’ It was meant to be a threat, but the words came out like pleading. Nancy didn’t care, though. The wind was pushing her sideways, throwing her off balance. She was frightened. Her fear must have been contagious because Heidi piped up in a little voice, ‘Maybe we could talk about this when we get down to the bottom?’
‘Yes,’ shouted Lila, having to raise her voice so the words weren’t lost to the wind. ‘Let’s do that.’ Lila took a step forward, bringing herself even closer to Miss Brandon and Heidi. The lack of space between them looked wrong. Why wouldn’t Miss Brandon just step backwards?
‘Come on, let’s go,’ said Nancy, at the same time that Georgia shouted, ‘We need to start walking.’
They were all talking over each other, all saying the same thing but with different words.
‘Stop it,’ shouted Miss Brandon. ‘All of you, stop talking – I need to think.’ Her voice was different, higher pitched than Nancy had ever heard it. She ran her hands through her hair and wiped the rain away from her face, smearing her mascara. She looked so young. Anyone who saw them would think they were a group of friends, not a teacher and her pupils.
‘This is ridiculous,’ shouted Nancy. ‘We need to go.’
If Miss Brandon wouldn’t move, she would push past her. Focusing on the ground below her feet she steered her eyes away from the sheer drop below them. She tried to walk around Miss Brandon, stepping off the path and on to the sloping bank at the side. Her foot slipped on the sodden earth. She yelped and grabbed Georgia, who caught her arm.
‘See?’ shouted Georgia. ‘Please, Miss Brandon.’
Miss Brandon had stopped replying. She was completely silent, looking into the distance.
‘What’s wrong with her?’ asked Lila. Nancy shook her head. ‘I don’t know.’
Things had gone too far. It was too high and too dark and too frightening to keep playing this game. The rain was coming from every angle, the wind was driving it into their faces. Nancy could hardly hear her friends speak.
‘Miss Brandon, seriously, we’ll go back to our groups,’ Georgia was saying. ‘Let’s go back. Please. It’s slippery.’
Georgia’s voice seemed to revive Miss Brandon, who pulled herself up to full height. Heidi was frozen next to her, her face ashen. Nancy wondered if Heidi understood what she had done. If she realized that this would be the final nail in the coffin of her sad little ‘friendship’ with Lila.
Miss Brandon took another faltering step forward, closing the last inches of distance between them. She was so close to Georgia now, their noses were almost touching. Nancy watched Georgia, trying to catch her eye, willing her to step backwards, to give Miss Brandon more space. But Georgia wasn’t moving. It was like she didn’t want to lose face.
‘Miss Brandon,’ said Heidi, reaching her arm out, ‘Miss Brandon, I think we should—’
Miss Brandon’s voice was thick with anger as she spoke over Heidi: ‘You three will do exactly as I tell you – all three of you are going to listen to me, right now. I have had enough. Am I making myself clear? I am—’ Miss Brandon turned, seemingly determined to address all three of them at the same time. Nancy watched as Miss Brandon’s walking boot found the edge of the path, as the loose gravel moved underneath her foot.
A rip of thunder.
A scream.
Nancy looked over to Georgia. When she looked back, Miss Brandon was gone.
NOW
Lila
Lila’s hand hadn’t stopped bleeding. She shoved it between her legs, hiding it. It couldn’t bleed for much longer, not if she squeezed it really hard. If she told Georgia and Nancy about it they’d start doing those faces again and Nancy would say that Georgia was right, Lila was a mess. Georgia already thought she was drunk and stupid, and she’d love another excuse to tell her off. She was picking up the last bits of glass and putting them in a pile on the garden table. She was such a drama queen.
At least Nancy was being nice. Georgia always talk
ed about Nancy like she was evil, like she hated them, and Lila had started to believe it. But Nancy was being way nicer than Georgia tonight. Maybe it was all backwards, maybe Georgia was the mean one and Nancy was the nice one.
‘I like your boots, Nance,’ she said, trying to change the subject. It was true. They were nice boots. Theory, maybe. Or Zadig & Voltaire. Expensive boots. She couldn’t have boots like that because when she bought stuff Roo asked her what value she thought she was bringing to the home. No value at home. No value to her friends. Not after this, anyway.
Georgia picked up a watering can and started washing away the broken glass on the floor. Lila couldn’t help laughing. The watering can was clean and cream and probably cost, like, a hundred pounds from an interior design shop. Stupid Georgia, spending all her money on tacky watering cans. All Charlie’s money. Lovely Charlie.
Nancy was doing that voice again, like she was trying to calm down a frightened animal. It was annoying.
‘It’s OK,’ was what she kept saying. ‘You don’t need to feel guilty.’
‘But I do,’ she slurred. Words were all sticky. They weren’t behaving themselves. ‘I feel so guilty, all the time.’
‘You know what happened wasn’t our fault. The school told us that afterwards. They apologized.’
She did remember. But she remembered the other thing too, and it was too loud in her head to turn down.
Brandon had asked her to come to the study before lights out. It had been tuck shop that day, when the desk was covered with boxes and boxes of pick-and-mix sweets and the whole room smelled of sweet, sharp sugar. They were allowed to spend seventy-five pence each. You were allowed to count your own sweets. Everyone cheated.
Lila had been nervous. Every time she’d seen Miss Brandon she’d got in trouble. But she’d offered her tea and sat on the sofa. Lila had tucked her legs underneath herself in her armchair, feeling weird about the fact that she was wearing pyjamas in front of someone who was fully dressed.
‘I wanted to talk to you about Heidi,’ she had said. Fucking great, she remembered thinking. I bet that bitch has complained.
‘You’re a very important support system to her,’ she had said. Lila hadn’t been able to hide her surprise, but Brandon had gone on to explain that Heidi’s doctors thought she had made a huge improvement since the beginning of term. ‘They think that’s because of you,’ she said. ‘You should be very proud.’
Lila hadn’t felt proud. She had felt a bit sick.
‘Does this mean I have to keep sharing with her?’ she had burst out, forgetting to sound sympathetic. Brandon’s face had clouded. ‘No, that’s not what I’m saying. I’m trying to say that you’ve done a good thing by being so kind to Heidi. You’ve made her feel happier and safer, and it looks like she’s on the mend. All I wanted to ask was that you keep an eye on her. If you see that the scratching or the sleepwalking is starting again, I need you to let us know. And just keep doing what you’re doing – being kind and supportive. That’s all we need from you. OK?’
‘Lila?’ Nancy’s voice pulled her back.
‘What?’
‘You’ve gone quiet. What’s going on?’
She stood up. Maybe it was cold out here. Her glass looked empty-ish. Too close to empty to be good. She wanted more. It was nice red wine, soft and fuzzy and it made her head feel quieter. Her throat felt acidic and her teeth were numb. Roo would want her to stop. He would make that angry face at her across the table and tap his own glass and people would pretend not to notice, but they’d talk about it later.
‘Let’s go inside.’
Neither of them spoke. God, they were being annoying this evening. Their eyes were wide and serious and they were all panicky. Like kittens. They scattered every time you reached out towards them.
‘I want to go inside.’ She stepped forward, feeling wetness under her toes. She’d forgotten to put any shoes on, and now she couldn’t feel her toes properly. Were they wet or cold? She staggered forward. It was hard to walk with her toes all funny and numb. She stumbled.
‘I want to get another drink and I want to see the boys.’
They probably thought they were being really clever and discreet, the way that they were giving each other surreptitious looks. ‘I can see you doing that,’ she said.
‘Doing what?’ asked Georgia. God, that voice was annoying. ‘We’re not doing anything.’
‘Christ, Lila, why aren’t you wearing any shoes?’ Nancy demanded.
‘You’ll cut yourself,’ said Georgia. She was doing a shocked face now too.
As if she cared.
‘It’s fine. I don’t need them. It’s not cold.’
Lila turned to face Georgia. ‘She’s gone all American. They don’t like it when it’s really hot or really cold. They’re wet,’ she spun back to Nancy. ‘You’re wet. Wet and American.’
Nancy’s face was so cross that it was funny, so she laughed, casting her eye towards the kitchen. The boys were still sitting around the table, they weren’t laughing. They looked quiet. They wouldn’t have anything to talk about. Roo wasn’t having fun. She could see from the way his jaw and his neck were, even from outside. It would be time to go home soon. He would want them to go home. Whenever they had an invite to Georgia and Charlie’s house, he got pissed off. Maybe it was because Charlie and Georgia lived in Notting Hill and they couldn’t afford a proper house there. That was the sort of thing Roo minded about. He would tell her off on the way home for being embarrassing. That’s what happened last time, when she was sick down the side of the taxi and they had to go to the petrol station and buy bottles of water to wash it off because the driver wanted them to pay fifty quid for cleaning, which they didn’t have to spare. Tomorrow, when he wasn’t cross about the drinking any more, he would complain that Charlie talked about work all evening and Brett was boring and it was obvious why Nancy was seeing him (and then he’d do a wink just in case it wasn’t obvious to her, even though it was).
‘Let’s go back inside,’ she said. She should go and save Roo. ‘Come on.’ The words had come out much louder than she intended. They sounded a bit like shouting. The boys had turned to look at her, so it must have been quite loud. She waved. Why were they staring?
She followed Georgia and Nancy back into the kitchen, aware of the black smudges her feet were leaving on Georgia’s pristine stone floor. She’d probably wait until they’d all gone home and then get on her knees and start scrubbing.
‘Lila, why don’t you go and sit with Brett?’ said Nancy. ‘He’d love to chat to you.’
Lila knew they were trying to get rid of her. The second she sat down they’d be off together, talking about her, about how she was a mess and her hair looked shit and wasn’t Roo a saint for putting up with her. But it was fine. It didn’t matter. She’d just go and sit and talk to Brett, lovely Brett who didn’t judge her and hate her and make her feel guilty because she was the only person who actually wanted to have fun at a party.
NOW
Georgia
Nancy’s grip on Georgia’s arm was tight, painful even. God, she was strong. Georgia followed as Nancy steered her into the downstairs bathroom and spun the porcelain tap, filling the sink with a rush of water to cover the sound of whatever she was about to say, and then sat down on the loo seat. Georgia watched the tap flow. It would be so nice to be in water. She slid her finger under the stream, back and forth, enjoying the feeling of droplets splashing on her skin. It would be good to have it on her face, too. But that would ruin her make-up.
‘What the fuck is wrong with her? She can’t seriously think she’s being punished?’
Nancy’s panic was frightening. It was like seeing your parent lose control, a sudden rush of fear underpinned by a realization that the person you trust to have their shit together was, in fact, human. If Nancy started losing it then they were all fucked. Lila would just have to pretend to be calm. Act like it didn’t matter.
Georgia shrugged. ‘I don’t know.’
>
‘Well think. We can’t leave her out there on her own with the boys for long. Fuck knows what she might say.’
Georgia allowed herself a split second of triumph. Nancy had seen it. Nancy understood.
‘Why is this happening now? Why is she suddenly so obsessed with the Miss Brandon thing?’ asked Nancy impatiently.
Georgia felt she could have reached out and taken handfuls of the air that stood between them. They did not talk about this. Ever. There was nothing to be gained from it.
She tried to calm herself. The thudding in her chest was making her skin fizz. ‘I don’t think it’s the Miss Brandon thing.’ She steadied herself, one hand on the basin. It had to be said: ‘I think it’s the Heidi thing.’
She would never be able to erase the expression on Nancy’s face from her mind. It was twisted. Ugly. It transformed her perfectly symmetrical, probably surgically altered beauty into something truly grim.
Panic didn’t suit Nancy.
It went against her character. It was the kind of character that only someone with money could have. The kind of character which came from knowing that she could buy her way out of anything, that there would always be someone who could make a problem go away.
That was what had always made them different.
‘We can’t let her tell anyone,’ said Nancy, stating the obvious.
Georgia nodded. ‘She won’t. Not if you talk to her. She’ll listen to you, she always does.’
‘Did you hear her out there? That “joke” at dinner earlier? She’s lost it. She thinks she’s fucking cursed, Georgia. Cursed.’
‘I heard her. I’ve been here for the last few weeks, trying to stop her from doing anything, OK? You’re the one who’s been living on the other side of the world. You didn’t even tell me about the miscarriage, which is clearly what’s caused all of this.’
‘It’s not my fault!’ Nancy’s pitch rose.
‘I’m not blaming anyone. I’m saying that I get it. We can’t go on like this. OK? We have to fix this. We have to do something. We need a plan.’
