Laid in Chelsea
Page 19
9. No More Arguments
When you’re with friends, you don’t need to argue. You can have a wonderful time summering in Tuscany, without a single fight to be had. But when your partner’s there you end up in a ridiculous heated slanging match about the colour of fireflies, which escalates into a week-long sexless vacation. If you hadn’t outwitted them with your extensive knowledge of insects you’d have been fine – but at those times it’s impossible to resist. You don’t have to worry about that anymore!
10. Friends and Parents-in-Law
When you’re in a relationship, suddenly you find you haven’t just gained a potential future spouse but an extra set of critical parents who, from day one, are watching every move you make. There’s also a new set of friends, who, let’s be honest, are ever so slightly on the time-stoppingly boring side. Now that you’re single you can spend your days comfortably in your own company or with your own friends, who won’t stop time.
So good luck to you all on the road to love! As for my own road – well, who knows where I will be three years from now? Not too long ago I was working the door at a nightclub, attempting to appease drunken members of the aristocracy. The next adventure could be anything, anywhere.
But one thing is certain: I love you all and I promise I’ll see you all soon. Thank you all for changing my life!
xx
Me, aged one. I’m already perfecting my photo face.
Me and my sister Amelia as kids. Check out Postman Pat on the left. He’s never looked so terrifying.
Milk? Pass me the bloody champagne! Obviously my taste for Chelsea life started young.
My wonderful mum and dad. Yes, I know, I look nothing like them. Perhaps Dad should get a spray tan?
Excited about my first day at school, aged four. Am I wearing ballet pumps?
On holiday in Vale do Lobo. This photo is solid proof that the infamous Hattie Clarke and I were friends (and it’s still got Blue Tack on the back!).
Dressed as Superman at that party. I’m grateful the photo doesn’t show the red thong, stuffed with a cricket box!
Aged 18, at the beginning of my long hair phase (and ridiculous facial expressions).
A CD Dorset Girl made for me. I can’t understand why she put ‘You’re So Vain’ on there. Or ‘Swing Low’, come to mention it …
With Shakespeare, my post-Dorset Girl break-up rabbit. I have never looked uglier.
My school report for Design and Technology – clearly a career in woodwork wasn’t for me.
Enjoying a barbecue with friends on a beach in Cornwall, aged 19. Cornwall will always have a special place in my heart.
Mine and Pugsley’s initials scratched into a bench in Port Quinn, Cornwall. Yes, they’re still there!
Double the fun! Me hanging out with the cardboard cutout I made for London Girl. Perhaps not one of my sanest ideas.
Cowes Week, where I first met Richard Dinan (second from left). Clearly, the sea air was doing wonders for my hair.
The front cover of Richard’s magazine, Ammunition, for which Millie did the make-up. My friend Antalya is wearing the short gold dress and her brother Alex, my old flat mate, is holding the flag.
Rocking a headset while working the door at Maggie’s, a nightclub in Chelsea.
A night out with Richard (far right) at 151 on the King’s Road, my second home.
Working the door at 151 (left) and hailing a taxi on my way home (right). Pretty much a standard evening at work.
With my girls, Binky and Cheska. What would I do without them?
The first night Gabriella and I met – and those hair extensions.
With Binky, Cheska and Gabriella on a skiing holiday the week before Gabs and I broke up.
At the Harry Potter premiere. Don’t believe the smile, I was bloody terrified! (Ian West/PA Archive/Press Association Images)
Living the dream – with Jennifer Saunders at the BAFTA after-show party. Jennifer, the offer to be in Ab Fab still stands!
Hanging out with Verne Troyer. How surreal my life has become.
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First published by HarperCollinsPublishers 2013
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© Ollie Locke 2013
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