Hate to Love You

by Ivy Symone

  I actually cracked a smile. “Okay, my mama Filipino and my daddy black.”

  “I knew it was some Asian shit. I can see it in your eyes,” he said. His eyes lustfully scanned me from head to toe then toe to head. They rested on my hair. He asked, “All that your hair?”

  I nodded. My hair was pulled up into a loose ponytail. I rarely wore it down. If I did, it was at home.

  “You pretty, and I think I’ma make you my wife,” he told me with finality.

  My eyes bucked. Then I gave him a frown grin and said, “I’m only fourteen and I’m not looking for husbands now.”

  “You ain’t got to ‘cause I’m that nigga,” he said. “Do you know who I am?”

  I shook my head.

  “I figured you didn’t,” he said. He looked over at everybody at Nikki’s window. “They know.”

  I shrugged my shoulders.

  “What’s that?” he asked with a frown. “You don’t give a fuck about who I am?”

  “I didn’t say that,” I responded quickly.

  “Then what was that for?” he asked shrugging his shoulders, imitating me.

  “Nothing,” I said in a low voice. I wasn’t trying to upset him. I didn’t know him and I didn’t know what he was capable of in that moment.

  “You good though. Don’t be acting all scared and shit. I ain’t gon’ bite you,” he told me. His voice was playful. But my gut told me this bastard was sneaky. He didn’t even care that I was only fourteen.

  “Give me your number.”

  “We don’t have a phone,” I answered hoping that would be the end of our exchange.

  “You ain’t got a phone?” he asked in disbelief.

  I shook my head.

  “Then how will I get in touch with my future wife?”

  I was flattered but I wasn’t talking to him. He must be crazy. “You probably too old for me anyway.”

  He started poking around in the glove compartment but he still managed to mumble, “Age ain’t nothing but a number.”

  “How old are you?” I was curious so I had to ask.

  “It don’t even matter,” he said. He handed me a red transparent pager, a black cellphone—one of the new ones with a clamshell design I might add—and the coiled charger that went to it.

  “What is this for?” I asked.

  “Take it. I’ll hit you up, okay?” he said.

  “I can’t—”

  “Take it, pretty,” he told me with an infectious smile.

  I was trying to figure out why my heart had started beating wildly. I was looking at him, but I didn’t understand. I think that’s when I fell under his spell. It was nothing special but it was the way his eyes twinkled when he smiled at me in combination with the scent of his cologne that emitted from the car.

  He hit Quan on the arm to get this attention. “Vamos lá!”

  “A’ight,” Quan said straightening up in his seat. He hollered at Ranessa as she walked away, “I’ll be back through here later! Oooh got-damn! Shake that ass baby!”

  “Really, nigga,” my guy said to Quan. He looked back at me. “See you, pretty.”

  I was stuck. Even as the truck backed out and they took off, I was still standing there. Corvell and Shameka rushed over to me.

  “He gave you that?” Shameka asked excitedly.

  “Girl, you in trouble now,” Corvell said shaking his head. He took the phone from me and examined it. “This nigga done gave you a damn cell phone.”

  “How am I in trouble? I don’t even want it,” I said. I tried to hand the charger and pager to Shameka. She didn’t take it.

  “Nuh-uh! I ain’t taking it if he didn’t give it to me,” she said. Ladonna, Mia and Jovelyn joined us.

  Nikki hollered from the window, “I gotta go y'all! See y'all tomorrow! And Nephia…You know you done effed up right?”

  I didn’t know I had.

  We said our goodbyes, then Corvell, me and Jovelyn headed out of the apartment complex.

  “Damn, I wish you had asked him to give us a damn ride,” Corvell mumbled.

  “I don’t want anything more from him.”

  “But it’s too late,” Corvell said.

  “How? When I see him again I’ll just give it back.”

  “Girl, are you seriously about to reject the baddest, richest nigga around?”

  “I don’t care who he is.”

  “Let me school you,” he said. “Marcos Delgado Beauchamp has ties to the Colombian cartel. His people got this city on lock. Do you understand?”

  “So,” I said still not getting his point.

  “Whatever Marcos wants, Marcos gets. He marked you.”

  I found this amusing and confusing. “‘Cause he gave me a damn pager and phone?”

  “He just wouldn’t do that to anybody, Nephia.”

  “But why me?”

  Corvell let out an aggravated groan. “Girl, have you looked in the mirror lately?”

  “But I’m only fourteen. How old is this Marcos?”

  “I think he’s twenty-one or twenty-two,” Corvell answered.

  “Oh no! He’s too old for me anyway.”

  “And you think somebody like Marcos cares?”

  “He should,” I said.

  “Well, I’ll tell you what. When he call that phone, don’t answer and see what happens.”

  “What’s gonna happen?” I wanted to know.

  “You’ll see.”

  Chapter 3

  When Jovelyn and I made it back home, our mother was there. She was sitting on the couch with a cigarette in her right hand, staring back at us.

  “Where you been?” she asked in her accented voice. Lailani was a very petite lady. She was very thin, the same size she was at the age of 12. At one point she was beautiful and it was understandable why men were drawn to her exotic looks. Remnants of her beauty remained but life and drugs had tried their best to destroy it all.

  Despite the streets, Lailani was still a soft woman. I didn't always like her, but I didn’t hate her; I was just disappointed in some of the choices she made. She knew it. She knew I still loved her but the shame and guilt ate at her. It was in her eyes and in her posture.

  “I had to get us something to eat,” I told her. I walked in the kitchen and was stunned silent. I turned around to question her about the food on the kitchen table and counters.

  She was standing there smiling displaying her discolored teeth. “I brought food. See?”

  I smiled back. Jovelyn’s eyes grew big with excitement. “We got more food!”

  “How did you get all of this?” I asked. Lailani waved her hand dismissively. “No worry. You and Jovi put them up please. Jovi, you take bath for school. I go to sleep.”

  I nodded and started putting away the groceries. Jovelyn quietly helped me. I assumed Lailani had one of her ‘Johns’ to take her grocery shopping. There was no way she could have carried all of those bags on the bus. Maybe he gave her enough money for a cab.

  Well, I got my answer when Kenneth Hunter walked in the kitchen wearing a white wife beater, navy Dickies with the button undone and he was only wearing socks like he was comfortable at home.

  “Daddy!” Jovelyn exclaimed wearing a grin. She could barely contain her excitement.

  Kenny, on the other hand, didn’t appear as excited to see his daughter. Halfheartedly he draped his arm around her as to give an unwelcoming hug as he rummaged through the refrigerator. “Hey, baby girl.”

  “Are you back for good, Daddy?” Jovelyn asked.

  I really hoped he wasn’t.

  Retrieving a can of beer, he answered, “Yeah, I’m back. Y'all get this stuff up ‘fore it spoil.”

  He left out of the kitchen without even acknowledging me. I didn’t like him and even though my mama was out there in the streets while he was in prison, I still liked a life without him in it.

  I tried many times over the years to let my mama know that Kenny was abusing me sexually but she either didn’t get what I was saying or she was
just too weak in her own shit dealing with Kenny. He used to beat on her just because he felt like it. We lived in fear of him because many nights he would have us in the dark, playing eenie meenie miney moe with a knife up to our throats; even to his own flesh and blood Jovelyn.

  He didn’t molest me like fondling here and there. He did things to me that a child shouldn’t know about until they were of age. Even with my mother available, an abled-body woman with a grown woman’s vagina, he would creep into the room with me and Jovelyn. She would be in her twin bed asleep and he would get in the bed with me and do things to me until he was satisfied.

  When I was younger he would have me miss school while my mama went to work at temporary services. He would make me look at porn with him and tell me that what I was watching was what he was gonna do to me. Then, he would play this game with me allowing me to get a head start to hide from him. If he found me he would get to do those things we watched on the porn. There was never a good place to hide in our two bedroom housing unit. I tried them all and he would always find me. He would lay me down and remove my panties and perform oral sex on me while penetrating me with his fingers. He would then slather my opening as well as his stinky dick (it was always strong smelling) with Vaseline and try to penetrate me with it. I would cry and try to get up. He would make me be still and try again. I was too small back then. So he would just settle for sliding his dick in and out of the space where my thighs met at the junction of my vagina. He would cum and shoot the white sticky substance all over me. And it smelled too. I would feel so disgusted and dirty.

  Now, I didn’t know if he planned to stay here or not, but I refused to stand by and let him beat on my mama again. I was older now. Watching her go through that I always vowed that I would never let a man beat on me like that. I vowed I would always protect my children if I ever had any. But I never said anything bad about him in front of Jovelyn because that was her daddy and she loved him. When she was old enough she would see things for herself.

  After making me and Jovelyn some store-bought pizza, I made her take a bath. I took mine shortly after she finished. Once I prepared myself to lay down in my twin bed across from her, I heard a ringing. It startled me at first because we didn’t have a phone so I wasn’t used to the noise. Then I remembered I had put the phone Marcos had given me earlier on the table next to my bed.

  I looked at it and contemplated answering it. Marcos was a nobody to me. Not only was I too young for him, but I was too young to be caught up in any boys. I had plans. I was focused. I wasn’t making straight A’s for nothing. In the fall when I started high school I would be in all honor classes. I already had a high school credit in Algebra that I aced with straight A’s. I had dreams. I had ambition. I was going to college and I needed a full scholarship to get there. Boys were not on my agenda.

  Deciding against answering it, I placed my head on my flattened pillow and said a quick prayer to the All Mighty. Perhaps I could get Cory to give Marcos his things back.

  _______

  It was Thursday and I was looking forward to Friday so I could do absolutely nothing for the weekend. I was a loner and I was okay with it. While everyone else would return to school on Monday talking about what went down over the weekend, I had nothing to add to it. I did a whole lot of nothing during the weekend.

  “What are you over there daydreaming about?” Corvell asked me. He sat on the right of me in our last class for the day. It was Science and nobody paid much attention to Ms. Daniels. She was a homely white woman that wanted to be cool but she didn’t have enough bass in her voice to scare anyone. In our period, however, Corvell, Nikki and I respected her and we tried to get everyone else to follow suit. It didn’t always work though.

  “Wishing it was Friday,” I mumbled absently.

  “Hey, Nephia,” Nikki said from behind us. “My mama having a card party Saturday. They gon’ be sellin’ fish plates and stuff. You wanna come over?”

  “I’m coming!” Corvell interjected. He turned around to face Nikki and her class partner, Montoya Gooch. “Why you ain’t invited me anyway?”

  “I was going to,” Nikki said. She looked at me. “Are you coming?”

  “Do I gotta walk over there?” I asked.

  “I can get my mama boyfriend to pick you up and we can take you back home. Oh! Why don’t you just spend the night?”

  That sounded tempting since Kenny was at the house now. I didn’t like him being there, but what about Jovelyn?

  I guess the concern was written on my face because Nikki added, “Jovelyn can come too, and keep my little sister company. I’ll tell my mama when I get home.”

  “We gotta get our steps together for the end of school rally,” Corvell said.

  “I got mine down,” I told him. I forgot to mention that that was another reason why we were considered cool nerds. We danced on the school’s half-timers team. Corvell was the captain and when I tell you he could dance his ass off; he could dance his ass off, and sing!

  I laughed and pointed behind me, “She’s the one that need help.”

  I could feel Nikki giving me the eyes in the back of my head. “I’m not that off, Nephia.”

  Corvell cut his eyes back at her. “We gotta work on you, honey.”

  “Whatever,” Nikki mumbled.

  Ms. Daniels walked down the aisle looking at everybody’s assignments on their desk. She got to our desk and asked, “Are y'all complete with the assignment. I hear a lot of—”

  Corvell held up our team assignment close to her face, “Done, baby!”

  “Corvell Armstrong, I am not your baby,” Ms. Daniels said with a red flustered face.

  Corvell smacked his lips and dug in his fresh s-curl fade, “Ms. Daniels, it ain’t nothing but a figure of speech, dang. If I don’t call you baby who else will? You ain’t got a man.”

  This caused a few around us that heard to snicker.

  “Corvell, my personal life shouldn’t concern you!” Ms. Daniels said curtly.

  “It do, when you ain’t happy. Cause when you ain’t happy, we don’t get happy assignments,” Corvell said.

  I nudged Corvell and whispered, “Will you stop?” I looked at Ms. Daniels apologetically. “Nevermind him Ms. Daniels. We’re finished with the assignment and we’ve started our homework already.”

  She smiled and moved on.

  Yeah, Corvell could be a bit much but I loved him nonetheless.

  The clock over the blackboard hit 3:45 p.m. and the bell rung. We jumped out of our seats gathering our belongings and tried to be the first ones to spill into the hallway. We hurried to our lockers to exchange whatever books and supplies we would need for homework. A few of us held small talk with other friends in passing but we had ten minutes to get out to our buses or we would be left behind.

  This was where I departed from Corvell and Nikki. My bus had all of the project kids. I found me a seat about midway and focused on whatever the scenery was outside that window. These kids were wild and loud. They talked about everything!

  When I exited the bus to begin my journey home, I wasn’t expecting to see Marcos and that white Expedition. He was with Quan and they were talking to a group of guys right across from where the bus stopped. I pretended to not even see them and headed in the direction of my street.

  Sometimes, walking through the projects was like a maze to me. There were so many shortcuts to get where you were trying to go. I decided to get off the main street and cut through the yards so I wouldn’t be noticed. I made it home and let myself in through the back.

  Lailani greeted me with a grin. She was in the kitchen whipping up something to eat. “Hey, baby. How was school?”

  “It was good,” I placed my books on the table. I headed to the freezer for a popsicle.

  “You got homework?” she asked.

  “I did it at school,” I told her. The aMartena of what she was cooking drew me closer to the stove. A smile spread across my face when I saw that she was preparing one of my favorite Fil
ipino dishes, chicken adobo. Next to it, she was preparing braised collard greens. The aMartena was a bit nostalgic. It reminded me of when me and Jovelyn were younger and she loved to cook. Although the majority of our diet was American, Lailani would try to introduce us to the Philippine culture. I learned some of the recipes, but it was a matter of having the ingredients in the house to make them.

  Lailani smiled, “Jovi will be happy to see.”

  “Yes, she will,” I said. I asked, “So, where is Kenny?”

  “He at work,” she said turning away from the stove and wiping her hands on the dish towel.

  “Will he be living here again?” I asked.

  She didn’t want to answer me and she avoided eye contact.

  “Mama,” I called out to her. She walked into the living room. I called out, “Ina!”

  She stood by the front door peering out of the screen door and into the streets. I stood behind her. She started to speak, “I know you no like him Nephia, but he buy food for you and Jovi. He help pay bills too."

  “All he does is makes us miserable,” I told her, defeated. Lailani thought she was doing what was best for her daughters, but she was sadly mistaken. How could I get through to her?

  “But I’m not misery! Jovi is not misery,” she told me.

  I just said the word the right way but she still didn’t say it that way. I always thought that was funny whenever she did that.

  “Where is Jovi?” she asked.

  I looked outside and saw that the other elementary school kids were walking to their homes but there was no Jovelyn. A frown covered my face. “I don’t know. She should be walking with Domonique.”

  I stepped out on the front porch and called out to Jovelyn’s friends. “Hey, Domonique! Where is Jovi?”

  “She still at the bus stop with Quanisha an’nem!” Domonique answered.

  “Okay,” I told her. I turned back to Lailani, “I’ll go get her.”

  Lailani nodded.

  The bus stop where the elementary kids got dropped off at was just a street over from our building. As I walked down the sidewalk, I spotted the white SUV on the opposite side of the street but it was a ways down; however, it was directly across from where the bus stop was. And I didn’t see Jovelyn.