Andre the Giant

by Michael Krugman

  Akeem is the next to enter, and he goes right to André with double ax-handles to the back. André pauses against the ropes but is then the victim of a Demolition clothesline. Haku tries to interfere but receives the same treatment. André gets up, holding the ropes, his back to the ring. Demolition sees their opportunity and together shove the Giant over the top to the apron and then the floor. They then try to throw Haku over, but André reaches over from the floor and breaks it up. The ref sends André to the back as Haku fights both Ax and Smash on his own.

  The battle continues, with Haku ultimately eliminating Smash before being disposed of by the Rumble’s eventual winner, Hulk Hogan.

  BOBBY HEENAN: “Demolition, you guys proved a lot to me and to André and Haku. You’ve shown us that you’re two tough, well-conditioned athletes who never take a step backward. You’ve shown us that you have a great amount of courage and strength. But you’ve also shown us that you possess greater amounts of stupidity. Seriously, do you two humanoids think for one second that you can beat the

  Taking on Ax at Royal Rumble 1990.

  André demolishes Ax.

  Colossal Connection? Well, if you think you can, then come on down, because I guarantee you that at WrestleMania VI you guys won’t walk out of the ring. You’ll be carried out! Demolition, you’re done for.”

  February 13, 1990: Veterans Memorial Coliseum, Phoenix, AZ

  THE BROTHER LOVE SHOW W/THE COLOSSAL CONNECTION

  “Thank you, brothers and sisters,” Love says, flanked by Heenan and the Colossal Connection. “It is an honor to introduce to you the Tag Team Champions, André the Giant and Haku, the Colossal Connection! Brother Brain, at WrestleMania, the Colossal Connection will be defending the titles against a very determined Demolition.”

  “Brother Love, we have a problem here. And the problem is Demolition. It seems we have what they want. Well, it belongs to the Family. It belongs to the Colossal Connection. And I have right here, the problem solvers. I guarantee it.”

  “Brother Haku?”

  “I have to say, dream on! Because this is belong to the Colossal and will stay with us!”

  “And Brother Giant, I’m sure you’re going to looooooove destroying those painted-up pansies.”

  “Anytime,” agrees André. “And just like Bobby Heenan said, the Colossal Connection belong to the Bobby Heenan Family. . . . To remind you, Demolition, you will be the ex-champion, and you will stay the ex-champion.”

  “One more thing,” adds Heenan. “I know you love love, Brother Love. But there is no love right now in the Heenan Family. There’s nothing but hatred and disgust for Demolition. So it’s simple—if you want, you come and get it! And if you think you can get it, it belongs to you! But like I said before, we have a problem and we’re going to solve that problem at WrestleMania VI, I guarantee it!”

  André grabs the mic. “It’s only a small problem, Bobby. Don’t worry about it, ha-ha-ha-ha!”

  He puts his big hand on Heenan’s shoulder, consoling his angry manager, and they leave.

  For the first time ever, WrestleMania was held at a building outside the United States—Toronto’s SkyDome. In attendance for the event were 67,678 fans, setting an arena attendance record that has yet to be broken.

  April 1, 1990: Toronto SkyDome, Toronto, ONT

  WRESTLEMANIA VI: THE COLOSSAL CONNECTION VS. DEMOLITION

  Before the match, Mean Gene interviews the Colossal Connection. Heenan holds André’s title belt. “I’m standing here with the World Wrestling Federation Tag Team Champions, the awesome force of the Colostomy Connection.”

  André and Heenan, who had been smiling, turn angrily to Okerlund.

  “Hey! Hey! Hey, Baldy,” the Brain says, “what did you call them?”

  “The Colossal Connection.”

  “No, you didn’t.”

  “What did I say?”

  “Never mind,” decides Heenan, and then turns to the business at hand. “But if you wanna talk evacuation, fine. Because that’s exactly where Demolition is headed.”

  “That’s right,” agrees André.

  “They’re headed straight to the treatment plant,” the Brain continues. “And gentlemen, we know how we’re going to treat them, don’t we?”

  In unison, the Connection answer, “We’re going to eliminate them.”

  André laughs his booming “Ha, ha ha, ha!”

  “C’mon,” Heenan says, “let’s get moving.”

  “All right,” wraps up Okerlund, “the Colossal Connection. They’re anything but regular guys.”

  In the locker room, Sean Mooney interviews Demolition.

  “Eliminate us?” yells Ax. “Well, let me tell ya why they call me the Ax. Because I can cut down the biggest redwood there is. Even if he is seven-feet-four, 500 pounds. And I’ll shear the limbs off that Polynesian oak. But just before I finish chopping ’em down, I’m gonna stand back, look at ’em, and yell, ‘Timber!’”

  “That sounds pretty good,” screams Smash. “But let me tell ya what I’d like to do to André the Giant and Haku. I’d like to throw ’em in the back of a semi tractor trailer, get behind that wheel, push the pedal to the metal, and drive ’em straight off a cliff and watch ’em smash into smithereens.”

  “Gentlemen, this is beginning to sound like a demolition derby,” notes Mooney.

  “Now you’re catching on,” snarls Ax as Smash grins. “Because that’s exactly what happens every time Demolition’s in the ring. And this match is no different. We’re out to demolish and destroy!”

  “And after the match is all over,” adds Smash, “the only thing that’s gonna be salvageable from that scrap heap will be the metal we’re gonna use to forge our new Tag Team Championship belts, haaaaaaaa!”

  In the ring, the Colossal Connection is introduced—total combined weight, 793 pounds.

  Demolition enters via cart and removes their leathers. The masks come off, and the Connection attack, André on Ax, Haku on Smash. The bell rings. André headbutts Ax to the floor, then joins Haku in putting the boots—though in Haku’s case, bare feet—to Smash. André goes to the corner. Haku shoots Smash, who avoids the chop and starts throwing punches. He drives Haku face-first into Ax’s raised boot in the corner and makes the tag. Ax beats Haku down to his knees, then turns to taunt André. The Giant decides to enter the ring. He comes in and hits one big blow to Ax’s shoulders before lumbering back out. The ref reprimands him, while Demolition double-team Haku.

  Ax and Haku go toe-to-toe. Haku falls to his knees, and Ax claps his ears. Tag is made, and Smash comes in, driving a fist to Haku’s midsection. Haku responds with a thumb to the eye. Haku shoots him into the ropes, but Smash blocks the hipblock attempt. He tries a backslide, but Haku counters, and the two wrestlers engage in a test of strength. Smash gets to his knees, and Haku’s shoulders hit the canvas. Fortunately, André is there to make the save, kicking Smash to break the hold.

  André goes back out. Smash brings Haku to the corner and tags in Ax. He whips Haku, who ducks and thrusts his fingers into Ax’s throat. Karate chops and a backbreaker give the momentum to Haku, while André laughs at the ropes. Haku puts Ax down and gets a two-count. A thrust kick to Ax’s chest sends him down again. Haku takes Ax’s boots, spreads him wide, and kicks a shot downstairs. Ax crawls toward the apron, and Haku chokes him against the bottom rope. The ref calls for a break. Haku argues, so Heenan comes over and slaps Ax across the face.

  Ax attacks André in the corner, but André headbutts him down. Haku hooks the leg and covers, but the ref arrives only in time for a two-count. On his feet, Ax tries to fight off Haku, but André reaches in and wraps an arm around his neck, holding him for Haku’s gut punches.

  Haku covers, but Ax gets his hand under the ropes. Haku drives Ax into André’s head—barely—and Ax goes down. Hook of the leg gets two before Smash makes the save. A kick to the throat keeps Ax in trouble. Haku chokes him against the ropes. On his knees, Ax punches Haku below the belt but gets a thumb in his
eye in return.

  Haku keeps at it, going to work on Ax’s traps with chops and a grip. Smash extends into the ring, but Haku chases him away with a kick. Smash comes in, and Haku chops Ax toward André as the ref is distracted. André chokes Ax with the tag rope while Haku goes to the ref to keep him busy. André throttles Ax, Haku making sure the ref continues to debate with Smash.

  Haku comes back over, and Ax fires back to little effect as Haku chops him across the thigh and sends him to the canvas. He goes to work on Ax’s leg with kicks and chops. He lifts Ax and hits a shoulder-breaker, hooks the leg, but Smash saves at two. Haku whips Ax to the far corner, but Ax gets a boot up. Clothesline gets him closer to Smash, and the hot tag is made.

  Smash rams Haku into the turnbuckle, shoots him into an elbow, followed by a big back bodydrop. André comes in, but Smash punches him away. He shoots Haku into the ropes, drops down, and Haku runs straight into a clothesline from Ax. Demolition hit André

  Haku costs the Colossal Connection the Championship, WrestleMania VI.

  with a double clothesline, sending him down against the turnbuckles. They return to Haku, double-teaming him. The ref breaks it up, allowing André to grab Smash, holding him for Haku. Smash ducks, and Haku’s kick hits André, sending him backward to get tied up in the ropes. A clothesline takes down Haku. Demolition lifts him and drops him, throat-first, onto the ropes. Decapitation finishes Haku, Ax covers, and the ref counts three at 9:15.

  Heenan gets in the ring as Demolition leave with the titles. The Brain is furious, yelling at the ref. Fuming, he goes to André, shoving him in the shoulder, complaining and pointing at the Giant. André shakes his head, defending himself, pointing out how Haku kicked him in the face. Heenan chews him out, poking him in his chest.

  “Do you hear me? I’m the boss!”

  Heenan slaps André across the face, and André gets the cold face. He grabs Heenan’s lapel and explains that Haku kicked him once again. Heenan keeps arguing, so André slaps him, a big right sending Heenan reeling. André kicks Heenan out through the ropes. Haku gets into position behind him, ready to kick as André turns. But the Giant catches Haku’s foot and steers him back against the ropes. Chops and a headbutt drop Haku, and a kick sends him to the floor. Heenan and Haku rush toward the cart to escape, but André catches Heenan. A punch sends the Brain face-first into the steel steps. André gets into the cart and headbutts Haku out. He demands the cart leave, and André rides out of the arena to a tremendous ovation.

  Later, Mean Gene interviews Heenan. “Family members, falling like the Berlin Wall. Bobby Heenan, I find that you’re tougher to get along than a mother-in-law on a weekend visit to my house.”

  “Don’t you concern yourself about getting along with me. I’m the easiest guy in the world to get along with. But when you’re 540 pounds and you’re seven-feet-four, and it takes two-and-a-half hours for the blood to reach the brain, you don’t think real right—”

  “Wait a minute, Bobby Heenan, where do you have the ball ...the nerve to hit André the Giant in the face?”

  “I’ll tell you where I got the ba—the nerve to hit André in the face. You take orders from me! I’m the head of the Family! You listen to me, you go to the top! You don’t listen to me, you’re never heard from again. You have just committed, pal . . .”

  Heenan pauses.

  “What, are you lost for words for the first time?”

  “No, I’m not! We lost the championship ’cause he stood on the apron, wouldn’t get in the ring, wouldn’t help Haku! Haku had to carry the load! Is he lazy? Is he incompetent? What? I’m through with him! I’m starting a new Family! I’m bringing in new members! Ones that will listen! Ones that will care about me!”

  André tells the Brain who’s boss, WrestleMania VI.

  16

  WrestleMania VI would be André’s last televised match. He continued wrestling, just outside the World Wrestling Federation spotlight. He teamed with Haku for a match against Demolition in Honolulu, and then traveled to Japan where he partnered up with Giant Baba against Ax & Smash in the main event of the World Wrestling Federation/All Japan/New Japan Wrestling Summit at the Tokyo Dome.

  He returned to TV one year later at WrestleMania VII, assisting Big Boss Man in the melee that followed his match with “Mr. Perfect” Curt Hennig and Bobby Heenan. André’s interference reignited the rift that had developed between the Giant and the Brain after WrestleMania VI. The Giant humiliated his manager on a Prime Time Wrestling segment in which André discussed winemaking with Vince McMahon, then forced Heenan to roll around in a tub of grapes. The story—never fully resolved after the events of the previous year—soon came to a head, with André finally severing his relationship with the Heenan Family.

  March 12, 1991: Coast Coliseum, Biloxi, MS

  MEAN GENE INTERVIEWS BOBBY HEENAN

  “What about the state of the Bobby Heenan Family?” Okerlund questions.

  “The Bobby Heenan Family has never been tighter,” declares the Brain. “We’ve never been more united. We’ve never been happier.”

  “Well, that’s not the impression that I’ve been getting as of late.”

  “Uh ... like what?”

  “Recently, on the World Wrestling Federation’s prime-time television, I happen to think that André the Giant was expressing some negative feelings toward you.”

  “No, no way.”

  “What about the grapes?”

  “You gotta understand something. André the Giant is the biggest member of the Family. We’re like this. What happened with the grapes, that was just a little, kind of a put-on, to you and the people. Matter of fact, rolling around in grapes is very therapeutic. It’s great for the elbows, it’s great for the back, great for the skin! André and I, we don’t have any trouble. We’re just like that!”

  “Y’know, I’m getting mixed signals, Bobby Heenan. I get the distinct feeling André the Giant doesn’t particularly care for you.”

  “No, you get—”

  “Look!” says Okerlund as André enters. Heenan looks sheepish, then waves at his longtime associate.

  “Put ’er there, pal ... aaaaaaah!” Bobby “The Brain” receives André’s message loud and clear.

  “I’ll be with you in a minute,” he says, getting behind Mean Gene. “I’m doing an interview.”

  André signals that he’d like Heenan to come over and talk to him.

  “You want him, right?” asks Okerlund, who then turns to Heenan. “He wants to talk to you.”

  “I’ll show you,” the Brain says. “I’ll show you how tight we are.”

  Heenan, accompanied by Mean Gene, comes off the interview platform and approaches André. “You seem to be a little tentative, Bobby Heenan.”

  “No, no, no. André, how you doing? I want you to show all these hicks, all these hillbillies, h-h-how tight the Family is, how everything’s okay. Hunky-dory.”

  He extends his hand to André, but the Giant just stares at him.

  “Put ’er there, pal,” Heenan says. André finally reaches out and shakes the Brain’s hand. “There you go ... aaaaaaah!”

  André squeezes his manager’s hand with all his substantial might, dropping Heenan to his knees in pain.

  “Bobby Heenan, that’s the way I am,” says André. “I like to laugh at people I don’t like. And it look like I don’t like you anymore! It look like I’m sick and tired of you and your Family and I hope you get that message! I hope you get that message clear and loud!”

  He lets go of the writhing Heenan, then plants his foot down on the Brain’s hand.

  “Thank you, André,” says Mean Gene as Heenan howls in agony. “I’m glad you cleared the air on that.”

  André shakes Okerlund’s hand, puts his arm around the interviewer’s shoulder, and the two walk off, leaving Heenan on the floor, tending to his crushed mitt.

  With Heenan out of the picture, the World Wrestling Federation’s many colorful and conniving managers came out to woo the Giant. Ove
r a series of vignettes, André listened to pitches from such advisers as Mr. Fuji, Slick, and “Sensational” Sherri Martel. At the end of each segment, André rejected the petitioner with manhandling and some thunderous laughter.

  March 26, 1991: Thomas & Mack Center, Las Vegas, NV

  “Once again, André the Giant is front-page news in World Wrestling Federation,” reports Mean Gene. “Recently our cameras were on hand when Sensational Sherri met with the seven-foot-four-inch, 520-pound giant. This should be interesting....”

  Cut to: André and Arnold Skaaland holding up a bar, chatting over a couple of beers. “Ahhhh! André the Giant! André the Giant!” shrieks Sherri, in full makeup. She shoves Skaaland out of the way. “I’m so glad to see you! My God, you’re bigger than I thought you’d be. What a man! Oh, God, I can’t believe it! André, I want to be your manager.”

  The Giant looks at the camera, incredulous. With a purple-gloved hand, Sherri turns him back to face her. “No, no, please. Anything. Anything. I promise. Anything.”

  André leers lasciviously, an eyebrow raised. “Anything?” he says, his eyes wide, a lusty grin spreading across his face.

  “Anything, André. Anything.”

  “Anything I want,” he says, wrapping his arms around her. He pulls one arm behind her back, and bends her over the bar. “Ahhhhhh!”

  He spits on his hand and begins spanking her bottom, to the applause and cheers of the middle-aged businessmen congregating at the bar.

  “You big lunk,” Sherri says, fuming as she walks out.

  “Anything I want,” he yells at her, toasting with a laughing Skaaland.