No More Tears

by Atieno Mzuri

“Here's what's going to happen. The tables have turned. You are going to continue to stay with me. And you and I are going to get married and have a family. I have always longed for a family and I am totally in love with you.”

  I nodded. There was no use saying anything different at this point. Matt wouldn't listen to reason. And I wasn't ready to be handed over to the Homeland Security. At least not until I had a firm footing... Chapter Thirteen (Missing Documents)

  At this point I had confirmed that Matt was a scandalous man and for my own sanity and to stay alive and healthy, I needed to get away fast. My travel documents were still missing.

  Having decided not to reinvent the wheel and thinking that I could do exactly as Wahala had done, by just moving away to another State, I had called my mother’s cousin in Alaska and she had agreed that I could stay in her house and take care of her kids and make some money thus. She had even agreed that she would pay for the Greyhound to transport me across the country.

  Later I had called her to tell her that I was now ready to leave any day and I had asked her to pay for the Greyhound to Alaska as agreed, and she said she was at work and would have to call me back. After that, she never took my calls. The phone rang endlessly and I finally got the hint and stopped calling.

  I had nowhere to go. If you have dealt with people from the motherland you know what I am talking about. It's easier for someone to give you $50 and get rid of you than house you in their homes. It's easy to become homeless and sleep in the streets. Ironically if you die in the same streets, the Kenyan community abroad will be quick to raise $15000 to ship back your body. It's not dignified for a Kenyan to be buried abroad, they say. One must rest at their Nyalgunga. But I digress. I only emphasize on this to show you how I had come to the end of my rope.

  So it was that only this outcast from society was willing to shelter me and take care of my basic needs. For which he was now demanding that we get married immediately. He had decided unilaterally that we should bring forward the date of the wedding. And I just didn't know what to do. The pressure was mounting. Matt was demanding that we either get married immediately or I move out. I didn't know if he was bluffing and I was stalling for time as I worked out my next move.

  I knew it didn't involve getting married to Matt. Having done quite some extensive research of my own on the internet I had come across the Adam Walsh law. This law alone squashed any thoughts I had of forgiving Matt for his past discrepancies and forging a life with him. It just wasn't workable.

  In brief the law says that a felon, a criminal, and especially a sex offender cannot import a bride. A few years back a lot of felons had imported brides and they always ended up mistreating them. That right was taken away by the law. So now such felons can only marry regular Americans. Technically, I was an imported bride.

  If I got married to Matt I would spend many years petitioning the government to recognize the marriage. Some of these marriages have been recognized but it takes a lot of years, resources and commitment to fight to the end.

  I didn't have the time, nor the resources to fight with the government. What I needed to do was to marry a regular American and within three months and at minimal cost, I would have my residency.

  . Since the day Matt had finally laid his cards on the table and threatened to expose me, we had settled into an uneasy coexistence. Thus three weeks had passed since the earth shattering discovery about Matt's past.

  Matt and I alternated between yelling at each other and sitting down to talk about the situation.

  The solution to my problem as I have told you was to find a decent regular American to get married to. But I was stuck. Whichever way I racked my brains, I came to a dead end. I didn't want to stay on the streets. Bite me if you will, but I preferred living with Matt than being on the streets. Winter was fast approaching and Minnesota is one of the coldest places on earth with temperatures going to below zero. It's not kind weather. The previous year it had snowed for six months. Freezer of a place.

  Matt had gone back to treating me kindly and was still trying to get me to marry him.

  So it was quite a surprise when Matt himself was the one that came up with a solution.

  One day we were at the park, us two caged animals, Matt and I, thrown together by circumstances, him by his past, and I by my current transgressions. It was a public holiday, Memorial day. Families were gathering around their laden dining tables. Others were scattered around the park doing their barbecue thing. Matt and I were not being left out, the previous night we had gone to the food shelf and picked our ration for the week. We had our ham, our beef, potatoes and Matt was going to turn this into a feast as always. His culinary skills were at par with any five star chef.

  We left the beef on the grill and hand in hand walked to the lake and gingerly got onto the bridge. It swayed gently beneath us. I threw a few breadcrumbs at the ducks that were swimming under the bridge and Matt took pictures of them. And then he pulled me towards him and on their gently swaying bridge he kissed me deeply, first on the lips and then on the forehead and then he started nibbling my neck.

  And I looked into his eyes and saw the love reflected in them and I asked him what we were going to do, where would we go from here. I felt as Romeo and Juliet must have felt. A deep love doomed to end badly.

  And it was at that point that Matt became the bigger person and said he was going to release me. He wasn't going to pull me further into his quicksand and he wouldn't grasp at straws that perhaps in time we might have a normal life and be accepted in the society. The genteel society that frowned upon us.

  "You have to leave me and find someone else. We can't go on like this. I know you want to go on with your life and I totally get that. It's gonna be really hard for me to get over you but i need you to leave. I ruined my life. I won't be responsible for ruining yours."

  And I held him tighter and said I couldn't bear to go on without him and maybe we were meant to be together. But deep in my heart I knew I needed to extricate myself from the mess that I was in. Back home several people were beginning to wonder why I had gone mute. I wasn't utilizing the Western Union. I wasn't responding to messages except to confirm that I was alive and they should not expect a body yet.

  Many were the nights I had lain beside Matt either plotting my escape or wondering if I should turn myself to Homeland Security who would book for me the next free flight to Africa.

  "I will help you find the right man" he said. "And you can meet him while you're still staying with me. You don't have to leave. "

  "Why are you doing this?" I asked him, my thisis-bullshit antenna on high alert.

  "Because I love you and I want you to be happy. God must have put me on this earth for a purpose. And perhaps my purpose is to give you a chance at happiness. "

  "Okay. " I said.

  I wanted to gather my thoughts together and find out what the new angle or twist was. With Matt's cunning mind, there was always something going on and I needed my wits to cope with everything he threw at me. I had come to think of life with Matt as a game of chess. He would make a move and I would make another move to stay ahead of him.

  "Okay. " I repeated.

  "So it's settled then. I will help you meet a man who can make your dreams happen"

  Matt had offered a solution. He would help me find a suitable man that I could get married to and get residency within three months. And he was doing this because he loved me. LOVE.

  Chapter Fourteen (Matt Agrees To Help Me) For the last few weeks, Matt and I had been living acrimoniously, hating each other but clinging to each other as we only had each other. The tension in the little apartment was palpable. But once he offered to help me find a solution and get back my life on track, I began once more to see the good things about him.

  Matt and I continued staying together. We still shared the bed. Once in a while we would spoon all night. Now that we had agreed that he would help me achieve my goal, we were peaceful. We never yelled at each other. We discussed stuf
f like two adults.

  He had helped me create a dating profile on Christian Mingle as we had mutually concluded that it was easier to connect with someone who was already putting himself out there and telling the world, look here, I am single and I really do want to meet someone.

  Matt took pictures of me. Let me backtrack a little and say that at some point we started to have sex again. Two lonely souls clinging to each other. Soul mates in another era. Not this one.

  We were playful the whole day. We resumed the banter we used to have before it became such a mess. After we made love, I would dress up and he would take perfect pictures of me. The afterglow from sex on my face, those were straight down the best pictures I have ever taken in my life. I looked serene and totally loveable.

  Many guys were hitting my inbox and Matt was helping me scrutinize and vet them. Matt being so brilliant knew exactly how to vet the love interests. He dismissed them based on their profile pictures, their names, and he explained to me ever so gently that big_penis and gonna_do_you_till_you_scream weren’t ready for marriage. Perhaps we might settle for soulmate_for_you and lonely_heart as proper marriage material.

  Finally we decided on who would be my first date. The lucky fellow was a guy named Ben. Ben had been divorced for several years and he described himself as wanting to settle down, tired of being alone, wanting a good woman that would love him till his dying day. He sounded sweet. I could do sweet. I know how to act sugar and chocolate and a little spice. Matt and I picked my outfit with care, criteria being decent yet sexy enough to show the curves of future promise and alluring mysterious nights.

  I was to meet Ben at 1.00 for lunch. We had arranged that he would come pick me up at the apartment that I shared with my gay friend Matt. How else could I explain sharing a one bedroom apartment with a man who wasn't my brother? Matt and I had had so much fun discussing my convincing story. The interview story, the getting to know each other story, that I would give potential suitors.

  Ben as I have said was coming to pick me up at 1.00. I was ready at 12 and was sitting in the living room having a pleasant conversation with Matt. He was giving great perspective from a guy's point of view, on what generally turned men off and what kept them hooked and craving more.

  At 12.45 Matt told me there was one last thing missing in my arsenal. He took my hand and walked me into the bedroom. He then started kissing me and mumbling words of love, and poetry and how I was going to get everything I had dreamed of. The kisses moved from my face to my neck and then he unbuttoned my shirt and took my now erect nipples into his mouth and then I was kissing him back fervently and pleading with him to give it to me.

  And then there we were on that bed and he was humping me and we both came simultaneously and I looked at the clock on the wall and it was one o'clock and my phone was ringing and Ben was on the phone telling me that he was outside the apartment. I told him I was running late and could he give me ten minutes? I then jumped into the shower and Matt stayed in the bedroom and picked some different clothes for me to wear. And then he told me that I was going to be just fine since I now had my desires in control and would rule this date.

  Ben turned out to be a nice guy. We had a wonderful lunch and I knew we were making a connection. And then he dropped me back at the apartment and we agreed on the time for the next date and he hugged me and said he was really pleased about meeting me and what were the odds of him meeting such a delightful creature as myself.

  I looked up at the window and saw Matt looking down at us and he waved and blew me a kiss. Ben got into his car and drove away smiling. I then went upstairs and Matt debriefed me. I told him everything that had taken place and how pleased I was that there was going to be a second date. He wanted to know when this date would be. One of the things we had agreed to in our living arrangement was that we would keep each other informed. Matt insisted that he somehow felt responsible for my welfare since he had failed to give me the thing that I craved most.

  We spent the rest of the afternoon perusing potential prey. We went over each profile with a toothcomb and before we retired to bed that night, I had a date for the next day which happened to be a Wednesday.

  I was going to meet Kyle who described himself as outdoorsy loving activities like skiing, snowboarding, and skating. He even liked rollerblading. Heck, I am a couch potato but I could definitely do outdoorsy for Kyle. I hoped he wouldn't want to do any of these activities soon. Kyle was coming to pick me up at 12.00. At 11.00 I was ready and as you've probably guessed, at 11.45, Matt and I were banging away.

  Our formerly repressed sexuality had transformed into something uncontrollable. "I desire you so much. The thought of other men wanting you, my beautiful one is driving me crazy."

  We spent a lot of time having sex. Suddenly I was leading this fairytale life where I was having my cake and eating it. I was being wooed by a series of suitors who all seemed to find me most engrossing and enjoyable company and wanted a future with me. And on the side I had Matt literally trying his best to help me find my dreams that I had just about given up on.

  I had many dates in rapid succession which seemed to go well but then I began to notice that nobody was turning up for the second date. Strange, I thought. I could have sworn, without being vain, that those guys I had met had been panting for a second date. I shrugged my shoulders. Oh well, we would have to fix it.

  From all the ten guys I had gone out with, Ben had seemed to be the best bet for a quickie marriage. And yet he had bounced me for the second date which was supposed to have been the previous Saturday. I would have to take matters into my hands. Sometimes a woman must do what she must. When I went online I tried looking for his profile and I couldn't find it. Weird, maybe he had deactivated his account. I still had his phone number so I quickly typed a text telling him how happy I had been with our first date and how disappointed i had been that he didn't contact me and I hoped he was well.

  The reply was swift and screaming

  STAY AWAY FROM ME, PSYCHO BITCH... I was startled by the response. Perhaps he didn't

  know who was contacting him. I tried to call his number severally but I kept getting a busy tone. I decided I would contact Kyle. Let's just say his response was more graphic than that of Ben and he even went so far as to say if I contacted him again he would have to seek police protection.

  Another three numbers, same response. I was confused. What had I done to these guys?

  I could have sworn they had all wanted to see me again. ...

  Chapter Fifteen (Never a Second Date)

  I had gone out with several guys and none of them ever called me back for a second date. Puzzled, I had decided to take matters into my own hands and contacted them one after the other.

  Ben the most promising prey had responded with a text that made me cringe. Kyle had threatened to bring the police to my doorstep if I so much as glanced his way again. Charlie had just disconnected the phone when I identified myself.

  Another three numbers, same response. I was confused. What had I done to these guys? I could have sworn they had all wanted to see me again. ...

  But I was lucky on one more call. Jake was a realtor who had taken me for dinner one night because he couldn't make lunch. Matt had seemed very uneasy when Jake came to pick me up. Jake had told me he had a master's degree and was working on his PhD. You all know I have a high affinity for men with brains. He turned out not to have so much brawn, he was really slim but it was alright with me since he was tall. Now I should backtrack and mention that all my other dates had been high school leavers.

  Matt had tried to insist that Jake was wrong for me and didn't look like the type of person that could do a quickie marriage.

  "Look at him, look how polished he looks. He's not going to do this. He's too savvy. What will you even talk about? "

  We had argued over Jake and Matt had been incensed and frustrated when I had insisted on setting up the date. To his annoyance it had then turned into a dinner instead of lunch. And on
that evening I had rejected Matt when he was ready to service me before the date as per norm.

  Dinner with Jake had been awesome. We had great conversation. I do know how to have a conversation with a man, most of the time all you have to do is repeat his last sentence and add a question mark and he will continue for the next hour.

  Jake wanted to go dancing afterwards but I knew Matt wasn't going to sleep before I returned. So I said no. On the doorstep he didn't give me a swift hug like the other guys had. He took his first kiss.

  When I went into the apartment and showered and finally allowed Matt to touch me, all I could think about was Jake. Afterwards, Matt had said there was something different about me. He asked me questions about the date and I answered over and over. Then exhausted he finally went to sleep after saying that there was something I was leaving out, he couldn't quite put a finger on it but it would come to him shortly.

  Jake hadn't called back. When on this afternoon I called him, he said he had been meaning to call me and talk about some communication he had had with Matt but he hadn't found a suitable time since he was in Chicago for a conference. But by way of summary, he told me he had wanted to tell me to move out of Matt's apartment because he was going to take him down and he didn't want me caught in any crossfire.

  "Do you have anywhere else you can stay?" He asked.

  "Why do you think I need somewhere else to stay?" I asked.

  "Atieno, you don't have to pretend with me. I already know the fix you are in. Listen, read the emails Matt has been sending me and then when I come back we can meet and talk some more. Meanwhile please take care."

  I brought out Matt's black laptop, that day he had been hired by his friend that sold tobacco and I knew what time he would be home. I took time finding them, but i finally did in a hidden folder. There were easily over fifty emails, a back and forth between the two gentlemen, I use the term gentlemen here rather loosely. They bickered and threatened each other and Matt said he would do stuff to him that he had only seen in movies if he didn't keep off me, his fiancée. Jake had responded that he didn't care for the threats and I was a free woman and I would have to decide. At some point Matt appeared rather desperate and had pointed out that I was only in this for the visa. To which Jake replied that if it came to that, he could easily marry me.