No More Tears

by Atieno Mzuri

  "Breathe Atieno breathe." I said to myself.

  Words fail me. I cannot describe the magnitude of loss I felt when I saw Matt's face on the obituaries.

  My best friend forever was dead. How could I go on without him? True I hadn't seen him since my wedding but at the back of my mind I always fantasized that I would soon divorce Michael and reunite with Matt. In my fantasy dream world he hadn't met any lady and was faithfully waiting for me to get through fixing my situation first. I hadn't reckoned on death.

  I called his brother Jack and expressed my condolences. Jack informed me that the funeral was going to be held the next day. When I asked him what had happened., had Matt been sick, he curtly informed me that Matt had jumped to his death from the 20th floor of a building in downtown Minneapolis. He then said he had to run several errands and would talk more with me after the funeral.

  I sat there in silence for a long time thinking of the man who had died. Finally I decided to head to the mall to buy a suitable dress. Matt had loved me in short dresses. I would buy a short black dress.

  There were surprisingly many people at the cemetery. At least 70 at a rough estimate. I was later to learn that they were mostly family. I hadn't met any of them except for Jack.

  I thought of the man we had come together to honor. Matt.

  We had shared all the love and laughter that we possibly could. As George Strait would say he was the miracle that made my life complete. He was the one that I would have sacrificed all my dreams for. And even though I say this now, I had been too selfish to love him as he deserved. Sure, he had made some mistakes but who hasn't?

  I looked up at the priest who was conducting the burial service and I remembered something funny that Matt had done.

  One day we had been arguing over something insubstantial and Matt had pulled me to my feet and bundled me into the red corvette and he had driven across town like a madman and he had finally stopped at a Catholic church which had a cemetery by its side. He had dragged me through the graves and we had stopped at a fresh grave which had the name April M Ross and he had told me that his mother had died the previous week and nobody had bothered to tell him and he had only found out when he stumbled on that grave. And I had asked whether his mother's name wasn't Margaret Ross and he had said she preferred to go by her middle name of April. And he had hugged me and I had held him tight and forgiven him for whatever we had been arguing about. The next week his mother had telephoned and I was quite shocked to hear Matt chatting with a ghost. I smiled at the memory. Matt had played endless pranks on me, which weren't so funny at the time.

  "From dust to dust. ..ashes to ashes" the priest concluded and everyone walked away. I caught up with his brother Jack and he greeted me warmly. We were walking towards the cars and I was leaving Matt back there in the cold soil on this bitingly chilly day.

  Jack told me they were having a family dinner as a last sign of respect and suggested that I might want to come. I said I would be honored to finally meet the rest of the family.

  So it was that I found myself sitting beside Jack that late afternoon with my little girl by my side. And we were discussing Matt and sharing anecdotes and suddenly I had the courage to ask him once more what crime Matt had committed.

  "Didn't Matt tell you about that?"

  "He did but I didn't believe him. Please just tell me what happened.”

  "I am a little puzzled here." He said. "Why wouldn't you believe him? He was your man. He loved you deeply. He wanted to dedicate the rest of his life to you."

  "I know. And there are so many things I regret. If I could go back there are so many things I would do differently."

  "Well, the first time Matt flashed himself at a woman in the park. Allegedly, that is. Matt maintained that he had been relieving himself and it was by sheer bad luck that the woman had been passing by at that moment and had caused so much drama leading to his arrest. He was given a suspended sentence of one year for that. And community service."

  "Why did he go to jail then?"

  "While he was still serving the suspended sentence, he happened to be swimming with Kim and her mother when he accidentally touched her."

  "That's it?"

  "Well he had been dating Kim's mother and the relationship was going badly. So when he tried to break up with her, she went to the cops. Matt had no chance since he was already serving a suspended sentence. The judge slapped him with two years and time off for good behavior. He was let off after six months and served the rest of the time at the halfway house where he was taught how to repress his sexuality. That place made him pretty messed up as you probably know."

  "So you are saying he didn't rape Kim and tear her up pretty badly?"

  "Whatever gave you that idea?"

  I didn't respond as I sipped the wine remembering the visit I had made to Jim Spencer's office which had led to our final explosion and break up.

  "What about your daughter? "

  "My step daughter. She was a little whore who chased Matt endlessly until he gave in. Beautiful girl. Cheerleader. We found out when they got careless and she was three months gone. Her mother, my ex-wife took her down to the clinic and they got rid of the baby. Then she wanted to draw blood. Our marriage was already on the rocks but Matt accelerated it."

  I sat there stunned. Sipped more wine. And my bones were chilled and I sipped more of the wine. Jack had told me the exact story that Matt had tried to tell me over and over. But I had chosen to believe Wahala and Jim Spencer's versions. I had never even demanded to read through the file that Spencer had said contained Matt's life. At the time I had only been focused on saving my skin. How very selfish I had been. I had judged and condemned Matt on the strength of two people that I didn't know. What was the connection between Wahala and Spencer? I had to know if all the pieces to the puzzle were going to fit.

  "Tsitsi was Spencer's girlfriend for many years. He wasn't in a hurry to marry her. Then she met Matt and moved in with him."

  "They met in church then? "

  "No. At the halfway house. She used to visit Spencer in his office. As you know by now, Matt used to go for counseling once a week. When two men are fighting over a woman, there's no knowing what will happen. At one point Tsitsi was dating both of them."

  "How about Devon? What's his role here?"

  "He's married to Tsitsi's elder sister."

  "So why did he do this?" I asked. “Why did Matt kill himself?”

  "He was depressed. He didn't have friends. Every woman that he loved left him. He couldn't get a job. He was lonely and alone. Loneliness is the worst thing that can happen to man. It eats up your mind. You become an animal. He suffered anxiety attacks and he was put on stronger medication. Three months ago he stopped going anywhere. He stopped taking his medication. He didn't even go out to buy groceries. He was totally secluded. "

  I sipped some more wine. All the pieces had fallen into place. I had rejected the man I loved based on lies from people that were playing games. Matt and I could have got married. And our petition for recognition wouldn't have been that tough because he hadn't been a violent man.

  "Now it's my turn to ask you a question. If you didn't believe Matt, why didn't you check the felony database? " Jack asked.

  "Because I didn't have a credit card." I responded.

  True Matt had made some mistakes. But who hasn't? What right had I had to act such a holy Mary when I wasn't perfect?

  That night I finally cried for Matt. I cried in selfpity for the love I had lost. I cried for Matt whom society had refused to forgive and eventually driven to taking his own life.

  I eventually slept around 4 in the morning after making a decision that I would visit Matt the next day and apologize.

  The next day I passed by a florist and I picked out some fake rose flowers. I wanted to leave him something that would last for a long long time.

  My little girl skipped gaily by my side as I briskly walked to Matt's final resting place. The tombstone had already been laid
and it simply read his name, date of birth and the date he had expired. There was no flowery speech on whom he had left behind. A few flowers lay on the grave. I placed mine beside them.

  Then I spoke to Matt silently. I told him I was angry at him for doing this. I asked him why he hadn't waited as we had agreed. I asked him how he expected me to go on. And without any people staring, I let my tears flow. I quite forgot myself until i felt the little girl tag me.

  "Mummy, let's go. It's really cold. I am cold."

  "Alright sweetie.”

  "Who's in that grave?" She asked.

  "My best friend. "

  Some silence followed as we walked towards the car.

  "Will you get a new best friend? " she asked.

  I turned and hugged her.

  "Yes, I hope someday I shall get a new best friend. But just in case I don't find a new best friend, will you be my new best friend?

  "Yes mummy, I will be your best friend. "

  I turned the ignition and started the car and drove away and left my best friend under that cold earth. And I hoped he was finally at peace.