My Life as Athena: The Private Memoirs of a Greek Goddess

by Daphne Ignatius

  To me, he was a tolerant older brother, but definitely on the businesslike side. His blows came a lot harder when the two of us sparred, but I couldn’t blame him, as Metis had invested me as Goddess of War. A slight problem, given that Ares had already been invested by our father as God of War.

  “Good morning, my Lord!” sang Pallas. “Care to ride with us?”

  “Not today, Pallas. I’m here on business.” His gaze turned to me. “Athena, I bring a message from my mother. You are to present yourself at Olympus in two days’ time, wearing your best attire.”

  “What for?” I asked, mystified. Hera was always kind to me, but it was a relief to both of us that I was sent to foster on Earth. My presence reminded her of her predecessor, Metis, and her single-minded devotion to the womanly arts was a trial for my less-domesticated soul.

  “I haven’t the vaguest idea,” replied Ares, looking faintly irritated. “She could have sent Hermes to deliver the message, but she summoned me instead.”

  Pallas’s eyes widened. “Perhaps you are to be married.”

  “What? That’s ridiculous! I’m far too young.” I scoffed. I glanced at Ares, expecting agreement, but he shrugged.

  “I don’t know…” continued Pallas in a doubtful tone. “Hera is the Goddess of Marriage and Family, after all. This is her domain. In your best attire, remember? Everyone up there has already seen you in your regular chitons, so why would they care?”

  I stiffened in shock. Marriage? I had expected it to come up eventually, but not this soon! I was definitely not ready to give up my freedom, just as I had gained some measure of it.

  “Message delivered, sister. I’m off,” Ares said abruptly, breaking into my contemplation. “I’ll see you in two days.” He started to shimmer.

  “Ares, wait. Who else will be there?” I asked his disappearing form.

  “Everybody, I think,” came his disembodied voice as the last of him vanished.

  I dropped cross-legged to the ground, not noticing that the hem of my chiton had ridden up, allowing the green grass to poke into some sensitive areas.

  Pallas came to rest beside me, more gracefully. “Don’t overreact, Athena,” she said. “I may be wrong. It may be the ascension ceremony of another god.”

  “Tartarus, I hope so!” I replied. “What you have said makes too much sense. If something else was going on, it would have been Zeus who summoned me.” I covered my face with my hands. “Oh Pallas, this is horrible. What do I do?”

  “What can you do? You are still a daughter, and that means your parents can dispose you as they will.” She placed a sympathetic hand on my shoulder. “You’re a goddess. And there are many wifeless gods out there, looking for a strong bloodline to ensure strong children.”

  My eyes narrowed. “I’m far more than a bloodline. I’m the child of Zeus and Metis, with both Olympian and Titan blood running in my veins,” I hissed. “If anyone thinks I’m a broodmare to be ‘disposed of,’ they are deeply, deeply mistaken.”

  “What are you going to do?” asked Pallas. “You can’t not show up.”

  “Oh, I’m going. But first, I need to visit my great grandmother.”

  After a quick consultation with Triton on where Gaia might be, I shimmered to the area known as Aegira. Triton had advised me to enter one of the many caves, as Gaia was the Earth itself and it was easier to reach her underground. I searched until I found a relatively dry cave and entered. It was a deep cavern that continued to narrow until I was totally enveloped in darkness.

  “Great Gaia, I am your great granddaughter Athena. Hear me! I need your aid.” Nothing happened, so I tried again. Relying on instinct, I knelt on the damp floor and pushed my hands into the earth until they were buried up to my wrists.

  “Grandmother, your descendant begs your help!” The darkness began to thicken, a vast presence seeming to seep into the air from the rock walls. The pressure within the cave intensified until it pressed in on my eardrums. Gaia didn’t speak, but I was fairly sure that I had gotten her attention.

  “Divine Gaia, I am your descendant by way of Metis, the Titan,” I said humbly, hoping that she didn’t know about my role in the imprisonment of her son Typhon. “I beg your guidance.”

  “My descendant by way of my enemy Zeus, as well,” came a deep voice in my head. “Why should I help you?”

  “For the sake of my mother, who was betrayed by my father,” I said.

  “I have no love for Zeus, although I honor him as my father. It is Zeus and Hera that I need protection from.” The pressure in my brain eased.

  “Speak on.”

  “I believe that my stepmother is arranging my marriage.” The cave walls trembled as Gaia laughed.

  “Is that all? You are wasting my time!”

  “Grandmother, I realize that this must seem silly to you,” I said urgently, fearful of losing her attention. “But I am not ready for such a step, as I have so much more to learn. I look around me and I don’t see marriage as a state to admire. Zeus and Hera are polite adversaries. My mother was swallowed by my father. Kronos swallowed his children despite his wife’s protests. The extended family is at war. How exactly is marriage going to benefit me?” Gaia went still.

  “What do you want of me?”

  “Advice. How do I get out of this without violating my filial duty?”

  “There is no way to do that. Your parents are responsible for you until you are of age, or until you belong to another. It is their duty to arrange your future. It has always been such, and I will not interfere between a parent and child.”

  “Grandmother, all I want is a delay, not to prevent them from doing their duty. Perhaps until I’ve grown into my own power. A marriage of equals would be far more palatable to me.”

  “There may be a way,” Gaia responded thoughtfully. “Your father will be furious with me, but that is no matter. He owes his existence to me, just as you all do.” I pricked up my ears.

  “An oath sworn in my name is the most binding of oaths, and all those of my line are required to honor it,” she hinted.

  I sat back on my heels, thinking. The wording of the oath would be crucial so that I didn’t accidentally box myself in for eternity. I would have to give myself a way out.

  “Great Gaia, hear my oath…”

  Two days later, Pallas and I shimmered into the Agora of Olympus, dressed in our best. Around me, the various Olympian gods and goddesses stood conversing under the darkening sky, shot through with the beginnings of starlight. The Agora was a huge, round marble dais in the heart of Olympus, floor patterned with elaborate vining designs. Instead of walls, the Agora was framed with a peristyle, supporting climbing roses and populated with singing birds. Under the peristyle sat a set of six crystal thrones that sparkled from the light cast by the central fire pit.

  Hera approached me moving quickly, the picture of maternal dismay as she regarded my clothing. I had forsaken my favored knee-length chiton for a white, full-length peplos. That wasn’t the issue. The problem was that I had come dressed in the full panoply of the Goddess of War. Silver engraved armor encased me from shoulder to hip, flashing madly. I wore my ceremonial helmet with the nose and cheek guards in place, successfully obliterating most of my face from view. Behind me stood Pallas, bowing deeply to Hera, playing the role of handmaiden to the hilt.

  “Athena! Is there a war going on that I am unaware of?” asked Hera, eyeing me up and down.

  “No, dear stepmother. You had indicated my best attire, and this armor that Hephaestus made is the best that I have.”

  Hera lifted a delicate hand to her brow as if it pained her. “My dear, I see that I have to educate you on what constitutes appropriate attire on Olympus. Please take off that dreadful helm, at least! Everyone is staring.”

  I obediently took off my helmet and nestled it in the crook of my left arm. My simply braided hair tumbled down my back.

  “You should have put your hair up properly,” Hera said. Her own auburn hair had been curled, boun
d, braided, and pinned within an inch of its life. It looked like a boulder on her head, confined by her traditional gold diadem. I could see Zeus approaching over her shoulder, a wicked grin splitting his beard as he took in my appearance.

  “My helmet doesn’t fit properly that way,” I explained cheerfully. “Not enough space in there.” Behind me, Pallas kept a perfectly blank face, looking at the floor. Zeus reached us then, taking my hand in his broad one.

  “You look…delightfully war-like tonight, Daughter,” he said, the grin still on his face, even as he ignored his fuming spouse. “Is there some conflict on the horizon that you foresee?”

  “Well, there is that issue between the Pelasgian and the Curestes tribes,” I improvised. “I was going to pop over and take a look after this event. Would you like to go with me, Father?” Hera looked like her head was going to explode. She quickly took my arm, drawing me towards her palace on Olympus.

  “I’m going to take Athena and dress her more appropriately.” I sent me father a beseeching look and his face immediately softened.

  “She looks fine. This is appropriate for who she is. Leave her alone, Wife.”

  “Helios is here, Husband,” responded Hera through her teeth. “We can’t have him see her like this. I can at least get rid of her armor.”

  “Helios? What does it matter to me what he thinks?” I asked innocently, though I knew quite well.

  “He is to be your husband, Athena,” ground out Hera. “He has petitioned your father and me for your hand, and we have agreed. It is a most fitting match.”

  “Ah,” I breathed, the moment of truth finally at hand. “I thank you both for your care, Majesties, but I cannot marry Helios. Or any other god. By consent of our ancestress, Gaia.”

  The indulgent look on my father’s face vanished when I mentioned the name of his grandmother and immortal enemy.

  “Gaia,” said my father roughly. “What does Gaia have to do with this?”

  “I met Gaia in the caves below Aegira some time ago.” Not quite true. It had only been two days, but I needed to lend credibility to the story. “We have gotten close and I confided in her my fear that I’m yet worthy to be Goddess of Wisdom.

  “She confirmed that I’m not quite at the level I should be, to guide humanity in their decision making.” I kept my voice level as I continued to lie through my teeth. “She charged me to dedicate myself to perfecting my godhood. And caught up in the moment, I vowed in her name that I would remain apart and dedicate myself to that righteous goal.” Hera gasped in horror. As Gaia had said, a vow made in her name had to be taken very seriously.

  My father exploded. “How dare you make such a vow without consulting me, you foolish girl? You are still a junior member of my house, and have no rights of your own!”

  I dropped to my knees at Zeus’s feet, realizing for the first time that I had overstepped the limits of his indulgence. He had always seemed to enjoy my previous displays of will.

  “I have erred, Father,” I said, my eyes on the floor. “What you say is true. However, my oath is given and Gaia has accepted it. Such a vow is sacred. I would be banished to the bowels of Tartarus should I betray it.” I lifted my starlit eyes to his, trying to melt him as I had done many times before. But he was well beyond that in his fury. He pointed at my nose, lightning flicking dangerously around his finger. I braced for the walloping that I was about to receive from his famed thunderbolt, but it never came. He lowered his finger. As he slowly mastered himself, his face became remote once more.

  “So, Athena, you have taken things into your own hands,” he said, and I could see that he knew perfectly well that I was manipulating him. “So be it. Such an oath is binding, and I will not force you to disgrace yourself by breaking it. But there will be a cost. Live apart you shall, and as an eternal maiden. No one will ever share your bed, on pain of destruction. You will never know the joys of love or motherhood. Let all here witness my vow.”

  I stared up at Zeus dumbly. The oath I had sworn to Gaia differed significantly from the version I gave my father. I had sworn to live apart until such time that I had earned the love and devotion of a city-state. I had deliberately included an escape clause to give myself the freedom to marry, if I ever wanted to. Unfortunately, Zeus had just thwarted my intent by naming himself as the enforcer of my eternal virginity. No one with any sense would touch me now.

  “You have chosen this path, Daughter,” Zeus added. “Now walk it for eternity.” He turned his back and walked away, leaving me on my knees.

  “Helios,” he boomed, summoning the god to his side. I turned my head to look as a god peeled away from one of the groups surrounding him to walk towards Zeus. I had seen Helios only once during my time on Rhodes. He was gorgeous, even by divine standards. Sun rays waved from his head like seaweed in a current. He was tall and toned, his skin the color of rich bronze, dressed in a chiton of gold leather that revealed his muscled thighs and calves. Helios was lovely, but I realized with relief that I valued his beauty objectively, more as an artist than as a female. Any concerns that I had made the wrong decision vanished in that instant.

  Hera bent to take my hands and raised me to my feet. Astonishingly, the look on her face was of sympathy rather than of anger or satisfaction.

  “Oh, Athena,” she breathed. “Believe it or not, I wanted the best for you. But as your father said, you have made your choice and I will honor it.” She bent her head to whisper in my ear. “I didn’t have a choice when it came to my marriage. Or rather, it was taken from me. So I understand. Forgive me for trying to impose my will on you.” I drew back in surprise, searching her face for deception. There was none. She patted my hand and turned to walk towards Zeus and Helios, who were in deep conversation.

  Pallas drew up beside me. Her face was pale but composed. “Well, that went well.”

  Pallas

  Another year passed, and I continued my time living on Earth peacefully enough. I had adapted quickly to being a maiden goddess and found myself rather pleased with my situation. A virgin goddess was held in the highest regard and held sole dominion over her own affairs. Even my father had lost his parental rights over me when he acknowledged my vow as binding; since then, he had started treating me more as an adult than as a child. All in all, a very satisfactory state of affairs for a young, independent-minded goddess-in-training.

  As I headed down to the river one afternoon, I ran into Pallas coming up the other way. She looked particularly fetching that day, dressed in moss green with bare feet.

  “Pallas, want to go for a swim?”

  “Certainly. It is getting rather hot.” She turned and fell into step with me. I glanced at her. She was glowing, color high in her cheeks.

  “Is Ares here?”

  She flushed. “Why should he be?”

  “Oh, I don’t know... Maybe because you look like you’ve been thoroughly kissed.”

  “Athena,” Pallas cried, slapping me on the arm. “You shouldn’t say such things. You know, sworn virgin, maiden goddess and all that,” she added archly. I just laughed in response.

  “I still have eyes, Pallas! Just be careful, all right? You know male gods have…problems restraining themselves. As in, they don’t,” I said wryly.

  “Ares isn’t like that.” I rolled my eyes. “I’m serious! He hasn’t tried anything beyond kisses and a little groping, but I’m groping him right back so it’s all right.”

  “As I said before, just be careful. Gods and goddesses are an extremely fertile lot,” I said as we reached the riverbank. We both stripped to the skin and slipped into the cool, rippling water. I lay back and floated with a sigh, letting the weight of my hair spread out around me in the light current.

  “Athena, you won’t believe me, but Ares is really gentle with me. And…” she sighed as she floated lazily by me. “He’s a wonderful kisser.”

  I made a gagging sound. “Don’t take me there! Eternal virgin, remember?”

  Pallas raised her head from the wat
er to regard me with a wicked sparkle in her eyes. “Don’t you want to hear about his hard, muscled body?” she asked in a breathy voice, drawing out the syllables. “And just how tight his bottom is?”

  I shrieked in horror. As an appalled sister and avowed maiden, I had no choice but to start a water fight to shut her up.

  Romances rarely remained secret in the divine sphere, so it eventually came to Zeus’s attention that his eldest son was enraptured with a mere river nymph. Pallas would do for a dalliance, but her bloodline was not high enough for a son of Zeus. I don’t know what my father said to Ares, but it was enough to trigger my brother’s temper. He stormed out of Olympus and headed off to Sparta, where he felt most at home.

  When Zeus came to visit a few days later, I assumed that he was simply indulging his curiosity. He had usually ignored Pallas whenever she came to Olympus with me, so perhaps he just wanted to see the girl who had enchanted his surly boy.

  Triton came out of his river with his daughters to welcome the king of the gods. They laid an elaborate picnic beside the river and served local specialties for the delectation of mighty Zeus. Relaxing back into his simple wooden chair and surrounded by river maidens waiting hand and foot on him, Zeus set about charming the group, something that he could do in his sleep. It was a glorious day, rife with laughter and fine wine. Who could have guessed that it would all go so horribly wrong?

  “Athena, I’ve heard from your brother that your sword craft has improved tremendously.” I flushed in pleasure, surprised and pleased that Ares had even mentioned it. “Can you give me a demonstration?”

  “With pleasure, Father!” I nodded to Pallas, who ran to grab our practice weapons. When she returned, we each armed ourselves with a blunted short sword and light leather shield, skipping the leather corselets we sometime wore to protect our upper bodies. We faced one another and saluted with our swords to signal readiness. We circled warily, looking for an opening. There was no doubt that we were both trying to show off in front of Zeus. Perhaps Pallas was unconsciously trying to prove herself a worthy consort for the God of War, because her strikes came faster than usual. Speed was her advantage, as endurance and calculation was mine. I held my own, biding my time and waiting for an opening.