5d6 (Caverns and Creatures)

by Robert Bevan

  “John! John! Supper's ready!”

  The twins grabbed their satchels and tossed them out of the pit, hurriedly climbing up after them.

  “Wait!” cried Dave. “Aren't you going to let us out of here?”

  One of the Johns looked down at him. “We cannot betray our father. But we shall discuss what you said over supper.”

  “No! Don't do that!” Dave looked frantically around the pit for something to hold their attention a little longer, and found the pipes and horn lying on the ground. “You forgot your instruments!”

  Too little too late. They were already back inside the house.

  “What the fuck was that, Dave?” asked Tim. “Would it kill you to keep your big hairy face shut for five goddamn minutes?”

  Dave backed away from his friends, who all looked like they wanted to kick his ass. “I felt raindrops. I started to panic.”

  “I was finessing the conversation with my Diplomacy skill,” said Julian. “It's a subtle art. You can't just bring up turning on their father like that. You have to ease them into it and let them think it's their idea.”

  “That's bullshit. You saw their faces. They were thinking about it. I had them on the ropes!”

  Cooper stopped advancing. “Speaking of ropes, where the fuck is your bird, Julian?”

  Julian looked skyward. “There he is!”

  Dave followed his gaze, and was immediately struck in the face with a pile of something snakelike and slimy. He danced and screamed and tried to fling it away, but the creature clung to his arms, face, and chest. “Get it off! Get it off! Get it –”

  “Dave!” said Tim. “Chill the fuck out for a second.”

  Dave did his best to chill the fuck out while Cooper pulled the sticky creature off of Dave, letting it fall into a purple pile of slime-rope at his feet.

  He was still shaking as he pointed down at the veiny bloody mess. “What in the fuck is that?”

  Julian turned around to face Ravenus, who had perched atop the narrow end of John's horn. “Ravenus, where did you get that?”

  “From the gentleman we traveled here with, sir. Sorry it took me so long. I had to brush the dirt off his body with naught but my wings. Then, of course, there was some digging and cutting to be done. My talons weren't made for this kind of precision work, but I did my best.”

  Tim stepped back from the pile of gore. “Oh man, that's so gross.”

  Julian ran his fingers through his hair. “We can't use this, Ravenus. It's too slippery to climb.”

  “It will dry out in time, sir.” Ravenus looked up at the darkening sky. “Then again, it does look like rain.”

  “Shit!” said Dave. “Shit. Shit. Shit.”

  “What's going on?” asked Cooper, who was unable to understand the Elven tongue.

  Dave pointed at the gore pile. “That's Hollingsworth's intestines.”

  Cooper raised his eyebrows. “Goddamn. That bird is one savage motherfucker when he wants to be.”

  “THEY SAID WHAT?” boomed Furgal from inside the house.

  “Oh shit,” said Dave.

  Julian gestured for Ravenus to fly away. Ravenus took off.

  “Cover it up!” said Tim. “We're in deep enough shit as it is without having to explain a pile of intestines on the ground.”

  Dave brushed dirt over Hollingsworth's bowels. Being all slimy and sticky, the dirt clung pretty well, and he soon had what looked like an innocuous pile of grey dirt.

  “You!” Furgal pointed at Dave from the edge of the pit nearest the house.

  Dave stumbled backwards. Why was this guy always singling him out?

  Furgal jumped down into the pit, his feet landing hard on either side of John's upturned horn. “What deceit have you been filling my sons' heads with?”

  “I didn't,” whimpered Dave. “I haven't... It wasn't me!”

  Furgal stomped angrily toward Dave. “How dare you accuse me of – Wha!” He slipped on Hollingsworth's intestines, causing him to fall backward. His head came down even harder on John's horn, the narrow end of which burst out of his right eye socket.

  “Holy fucking shit,” said Cooper.

  Tim shook his head. “We are so fucked.”

  “Father?” called one of the Johns.

  “Hurry up,” Tim said to Julian. “Distract them. We can't let them see this.”

  “What am I supposed to do?”

  “Something diplomatic. Just hurry before they –”

  “NO!” cried John.

  “FATHER!” cried other John.

  “Fuck,” muttered Tim.

  The two Johns jumped down into the pit, both glaring at Dave. “What have you done?”

  “I didn't. It was an accident. I...” Only then did he realize that he was once again covered in Hollinigsworth's bowels, flung at him when Furgal slipped. This did not lend credibility to his argument.

  “You murdered our father!”

  Dave flung the intestines down and gambled their lives on an untrained Bluff check. “I did no such thing! That goes against my oath as a Master Healer.”

  Cooper snorted. “What the fuck is he –”

  Julian elbowed Cooper.

  “In fact,” Dave continued, “I'm the only one standing between your father's life and death. But I'm going to need your help.”

  The two Johns halted their threatening advance, tears welling up in their eyes. “What can we do?”

  “First, prop him up against that wall.”

  “Um...” said Cooper. “Isn't that exactly the opposite of what you're supposed to do in these situations?”

  “Shut up, Cooper!” said Dave, Julian, and Tim.

  The two Johns lifted their father by the upper arms and dragged him back to the wall, where they sat him upright against it.

  “Now I'll need some damp towels.”

  “We have no towels,” said John.

  “Use your togas,” Dave snapped at them. “I'll also need some boiling water, a needle and some thread.”

  John cradled his head in his hands. “I fear we don't have the necessary –”

  Other John grabbed his brother by the arm. “Mother's old sewing kit. Father said he could never bear to throw it away.”

  First John wiped his tears away. “Their love goes beyond the grave. She is here in spirit, to save our father's life!”

  “Time is a factor here,” said Dave. “You must hurry!”

  John and John climbed out of the pit and ran into the house.

  Cooper wiped a tear away from his own eye. “Did anybody else get chills from that?”

  “Hurry up!” said Dave. “We have to get out of here before they get back.”

  Tim needed no such invitation. He was on top of Furgal's head before Dave had finished his sentence. With a little boost from Julian, he was able to climb out of the pit. Julian grabbed the edge and climbed out after him.

  Dave climbed as far up as he could, but wasn't going to be able to reach the edge of the wall without Cooper's help.

  “Dude,” said Cooper. “What about Furgal?”

  “He's got a horn through his fucking brain. He'd dead as shit. Help me out of here.”

  Cooper shook his head. “You're a cold son of a bitch, Dave.” He climbed up onto Furgal's shoulders. “I'm really angry.”

  Cooper's Barbarian Rage took immediate effect, bulging out his muscles and reddening his eyes. It was off-putting, and when he reached for Dave, Dave wasn't sure that Cooper wasn't going to kick his ass.

  With a grunt, Cooper hefted Dave out of the pit, then climbed out after him. With a prolonged fart, his body came out of Rage and deflated back down to its normal size.

  “Horse!” said Julian, then repeated the incantation, producing two riding horses, one white and the other brown. “These are my last two spells for the day. We'll have to double up.”

  Cooper lifted Dave onto the back of Julian's horse, squatted down to let Tim ride piggyback, then hopped onto the other horse.

  “Should we soak
our togas in warm water or cold –” John stepped out the back door and locked eyes with Dave.

  “Horses, go!” cried Julian.

  “Warm,” Dave shouted as the horses bolted forward, in the off chance the Johns were dumber than Cooper. They weren't.

  “John!” said John. “Come quick! They're getting away.” He gave chase with his brother following shortly after. They weren't as fast as the horses, but they were making a commendable effort.

  Dave's ass was taking a pounding bouncing up and down on Julian's horse, but when he considered the ass-pounding he'd been expecting to take, he couldn't complain.

  “Does anyone know which way the portal is?” he shouted over the wind and hooves.

  “No!” said Julian. “Wait... Ravenus knows. Ravenus!”

  “Right here, sir!” Ravenus took up a wingman position to the right of Julian's galloping horse.

  “Which way is the portal that we traveled through?”

  “Almost exactly in the opposite direction, sir.”

  “Shit.” Julian called out to Cooper. “We're going the wrong direction!”

  Cooper shouted back something that Dave couldn't quite make out except that it had to do with his mom.

  “We'll have to circle around!” Julian shouted louder.

  Cooper laughed and made a jerking off gesture. Tim slapped him in the back of the head and shouted directly in his ear, at which point Cooper nodded and gave Julian the thumbs up.

  Julian guided his horse to the left, narrowly avoiding a thrown rock. Once they completed the turn, Dave had a much better view of the two Johns. His limited ability to dodge flying rocks while on horseback didn't make that much of an advantage.

  The twins changed course and began to close the gap between themselves and the horses. They'd probably get within medium throwing range. While horses were faster than any of them, they traveled in a predictable trajectory, and the combination of two people and a horse made for a much larger target than one individual person.

  The only bright side that Dave could see was that the Johns were currently unarmed, and would have to scavenge for suitable rocks to throw. There were plenty of rocks lying around on the ground, but the rocks their father had been training them with were all pretty uniform in size and shape. Too big a rock, and they wouldn't be able to throw it. Too small, and their aim might be off.

  “There it is, sir!” cried Ravenus, pulling ahead of Julian's horse to take the lead.

  The black clouds had moved directly overhead now, and the harder rain had arrived with them. Dave hoped that the horses, being magical in nature, would be less prone to slipping. But his experience with Julian's summoned horses told him that probably wasn't the case.

  One of the Johns found a suitable rock, and Dave braced himself for impact. He might have enough Hit Points in him to survive being hit by another rock, but he didn't like his odds of surviving that combined with being thrown off a speeding horse.

  Dave squeezed Julian around the waist. “Hurry up, man! He's got another rock!”

  “I'm going as fast as I can.”

  When Dave looked again, he saw that the John with the rock was focused on Cooper's horse. He breathed a sigh of relief and relaxed his grip on Julian.

  “What's happening?” asked Julian. “Is everything okay now?”

  “No,” said Dave. “I, um... just farted.”

  Twisting his thick dwarven neck around as far as it would twist, Dave was barely able to make out Cooper's horse just as the flying rock smashed into the side of its head.

  “Shit!” shouted Cooper as the horse winked out of existence beneath him. He must have been prepared for it, or made a hell of a Reflex Save, as he hit the ground running with Tim still clinging onto his back.

  The rain was coming down hard now, and Dave feared they might be too late. “Tell Ravenus to fly through the portal.”

  Julian looked back at Dave with a disapproving glare.

  “Come on, man! If he slams face first into solid rock, that will be the least of his problems once those giants catch up to us!”

  Julian nodded, then faced forward again. “Ravenus! Fly through the portal!”

  “Right-O, sir!” Ravenus obeyed with unflinching faith in Julian.

  Dave flinched though, as his faith was not so solid as the bird zoomed kamikaze-style right at the center of the chalk drawn diagram. Even from where he was, he could see the magical green chalk beginning to streak down the stone.

  “Slow down, Ravenus!” cried Julian. “You don't have to go so –” But he was too late. Ravenus disappeared into the rock.

  Julian and Dave made it to the portal stone with plenty of time to spare. Cooper, horseless and carrying Tim, would have a closer race against the stone giants. That was, of course, unless they stopped to pick up stones.

  The Johns found a nice pile of stones about thirty yards away from the portal. The portal was ten feet off the ground, which made anyone climbing up to it essentially a stationary target for a couple of rounds.

  “You go first,” said Dave, telling himself he was acting selflessly as he crouched behind Julian's parked horse.

  Julian was dancing from side to side, presumably to keep himself recognized as a moving target. “No, you'd better go first. You're slow and heavy. You'll be in everyone's way when Cooper and Tim get here.”

  What an asshole. Dave was about to object when his horse cover disappeared, replaced by a stone that fell straight to the ground in front of him.

  “Fine!” Dave ducked, leaped, and pirouetted as well as any dwarf could be expected to on his way to the large stone under the portal. Finding handholds and footholds suitable to his height, he began to climb. He'd almost reached the top when he heard Julian shout.

  “Dave! Watch out!”

  Dave looked back just in time to see a rock flying at his head. He ducked, and felt the disrupted air as the rock swooshed over him. Curiously, it made no crashing sound. Dave didn't have too long to ponder that, as the other John's rock hit him square in the backplate.

  “Ugh!” he said as he was squashed between flying stone and stationary rock. When his mind was able to process more than Ugh, he realized he was no longer holding onto the wall.

  “Ugh,” he repeated when he landed on the ground.

  “Goddammit, Dave!” said Cooper, nearly tripping over him. “Get the fuck out of the way!” He grabbed Tim off his back with both hands and hurled him, screaming obscenities, through the portal.

  “Ow!” said Cooper as a stone hit him in the ass. He bent over and linked his fingers together to make a step for Julian, then hoisted him up until he was able to start crawling through the portal.

  While Cooper's arms were raised, one of the Johns took advantage of his undefended belly. A flying stone to the gut sent ripples radiating outward.

  “Fuuuuuuck,” groaned Cooper as he shat, once again, on Dave's face.

  Dave spat some shit out of his mouth. “Son of a... Fuck it. Just help me up, will you?”

  Cooper grabbed Dave's arm, pulled him up to his feet, then lifted him up by the waist until Dave was able to grab the bottom edge of the portal and help lift himself through it. Two sets of hands, hopefully Julian and Tim's, grabbed his wrists and pulled him the rest of the way through.

  The tavern was full of smoke and shouting.

  “What's going on?” asked Dave.

  “The rock that flew through busted a bunch of liquor bottles behind the bar,” said Tim. “It must have caught on a torch or candle or something. Looks like they got it mostly under control now. Where's Cooper?”

  “He should be right behind –” Dave fell face down on the table as Cooper's head came through the portal and into his ass.

  “Everyone's here now,” said Julian. “Good. Let's move casually toward the front door while everyone is still distracted by the fire.”

  As it turned out, walking casually through a burning building kind of makes a group stand out.

  “HEY!” said the half-orc b
ehind the bar who looked like he'd put a lifetime's worth of skill points into the Asskicking skill. “You're the ones who threw up all over the place earlier, then left without paying your tab.”

  “Fuck,” said Dave.

  “Funny thing, sir,” said Julian. “Our friend who was with us was supposed to pay the tab.”

  Tim looked down and shook his head. “That was the most piss-poor attempt at Diplomacy I've ever heard.”

  The bartender produced a meat cleaver from under the bar. It was worth noting that this establishment didn't offer a lot of snacks on the menu for such a tool to be so readily at hand. He hopped over the bar and sneered at them. “And where is this friend now? He's got quite a bit to pay for.”

  One of the Johns erupted onto the scene like he'd taken a running dive through the portal.

  “There he is,” said Julian.

  “Mercy of the gods!” cried the bartender as John pulled himself out of the booth. He took a reactionary swing with his meat cleaver, catching John in his great stony forehead. It left a nasty gash, pouring crimson blood down the giant's dusty, tear-streaked face, but appeared to have little effect outside of further pissing him off.

  “At least now people will be able to tell them apart,” said Cooper.

  Dave grabbed Cooper and Julian's wrists and tugged them toward the front entrance. “Let's get the fuck out of here.”

  Julian hesitated. “Where's Tim?”

  “Over here!” called Tim. He was on top of the bar, at the end closest to the exit, holding a half-drunk bottle of beer, probably from someone who had gone to help put out the fire. “Let's go!”

  The atmosphere outside the tavern was chaotic. People were shouting, “Fire!” A few others were shouting, “Giants!” Kingsguard soldiers rushed past Dave and his friends to deal with the threat.

  “Who's up for a drink?” asked Tim, just before sucking back the last of someone else's beer.

  Everyone nodded.

  “Whore's Head?” suggested Dave. Having no money on them, and being covered in shit, it seemed like the best option.

  “Fuck that,” said Tim. “I snagged some coin from the till. Wash the shit off your face in a puddle, and let's class it up a bit.”