5d6 (Caverns and Creatures)

by Robert Bevan

“When Cooper and Kristanya were wrestling around on the floor. I caught a glimpse of Cooper's taint and my dick shriveled up like a raisin. I snapped out of my trance and swiped the key.”

  “Well shit,” said Cooper. “Why didn't you say something?”

  “Because every time I tried, you knocked me the fuck out.”

  “Oh, right. Sorry.”

  “Forget it.” Tim held up the key for Julian. “You'll have to do the honors. I can't reach the hole.”

  Julian frowned at the keyhole. “There's a little problem with that. The peg we tried to pick the lock with is stuck in the hole.” He pinched at it ineffectively. “It's jammed in there good, and it looks like Cooper snapped part of it off when he was attacked.”

  Tim picked up a piece of peg from the floor. “Is this the other part?”

  Julian nodded.

  “Do I want to know why it's wet?”

  Julian shook his head.

  “I can't believe you two idiots would try to pick a lock with this. Summon one of your goddamn horses so I can take a look.”

  “Horse,” said Julian. A small grey pony appeared, just the right size for Tim to sit on to get eye level with the keyhole. Julian calmed the surprised animal by stroking its mane. “Just stay here. Everything's okay.”

  Cooper lifted Tim up onto the horse, and Tim eyed the keyhole. After a few unsuccessful tries to grasp it, he sighed. “I can't do it. There's just not enough peg sticking out for me to grip.”

  Julian looked around the room. “What if we snapped a couple of rib bones off Kristanya's throne? Do you think you could use them like forceps?”

  Tim shrugged. “I doubt it, but it's something to pass the time with while we wait to get our souls sucked out of our dicks. Cooper, go snap off two of the sharpest and strongest pieces of bone you can find.

  Cooper ran in a zigzag fashion toward the throne. That venom was really fucking with his celebrity. He arrived dizzily at the throne and snapped off two pieces of what he guessed were once a dwarf's rib cage. They took a little muscle to break, which meant they should serve their purpose well enough. Having completed his mission, he felt a big shit coming on. The quasit venom was doing a number on his insides as well.

  Supposing they didn't have much to lose at this point, he decided to give Kristanya something to remember them by. He squatted over the seat of the throne and hosed it down with liquid shit. When he was done, he felt twenty pounds lighter. Jogging back to his friends was like floating on air.

  Tim and Julian were glaring at him.

  “What?”

  “Was that truly necessary?” asked Tim. “The crazy bitch seems both fond of torture and creative. We don't really need to go out of our way to piss her off even more.”

  “I had to shit somewhere, and I don't see a men's room.” He held up the bones for Tim. “When we get out of here, you'll be glad I did it.”

  “If we get out of here. This bone thing is a long shot.” Tim turned his attention to the keyhole and tried to grip the wooden peg with the two pieces of bone.

  After a moment of struggling, Tim shook his head. “It's no use. I'm not getting anywhere.”

  “Do you want me to try?” asked Cooper.

  “Fuck no!” Tim threw the bones at Cooper. “You're the one who fucked it up in the first place. Without a drill or some strong ass super glue, we're completely fucked.”

  Cooper looked down at the ground, trying to figure out how glue might solve the problem, then looked back up at Tim. “Would earwax do?”

  Tim rolled his eyes. “Not unless your earwax is strong enough to fix –” His scowling eyes went wide. “Dave!”

  “You think my earwax can snap Dave out of his trance?”

  “No, you fucking moron. Dave could use a –” Tim's lips shut like a drawstring Hefty bag. “Never mind. The less you know, the better. Just hurry up and get him over here.”

  Cooper stomped sullenly toward Dave while Tim and Julian whispered secrets to each other. He found him still unconscious and half-naked on the floor, and paused to consider how it would be best to move him. If he dragged him by the arms, Dave's ass would scrape raw against the rough rocky floor, but if he dragged him by the legs, he'd have the same issue with Dave's head. Cooper didn't know how many healing spells Dave had prepared, but he'd probably need one or two for himself after getting kicked by a horse, and Cooper wanted a couple for his own shoulder and ass. Taking the safest option, he slapped Dave lightly on the cheeks.

  “Dude, wake up.”

  Dave stirred. “What? No. I don't want to touch it.”

  Cooper cleared his throat and gave Dave a little bit harder of a slap. “Come on, man. Keep your fucking altar boy memories suppressed and get your shit together.”

  Dave opened his eyes. “Cooper?” He looked around frantically. “Where's Kristanya? Is it over? I didn't get my turn!”

  “She's coming back,” said Cooper. He didn't want to lie, because his Charisma score was too shitty for him to do it successfully, so he spoke in half truths. “She's bringing some friends.”

  “Alright!” Dave rubbed his hands together, and his dick started up again from half mast.

  “Let's go join the others. We're all talking about Kristanya's tits.” That wasn't necessarily a lie, as Cooper was prepared to steer the conversation in that direction if he had to. He needed Dave near enough to the door to shove him through when Julian and Tim opened it, or a shorter distance to drag if he had to knock him out again.

  “Awesome.” Dave's fat dwarf ass jiggled as he waddled toward the door.

  “Hi, Dave!” said Tim with a welcoming friendliness in his tone that Cooper was all but certain Tim had never used with anyone before, nor had Dave ever had used toward him.

  Dave stopped, eyeing Julian, Tim, and the horse Tim was standing on suspiciously. “What's going on here? What are you guys up to?” He put his hands on his bare hips. “Are you trying to pick the lock?”

  Tim and Julian laughed.

  “No way!” said Julian. “We were just waiting for Kristanya to return, so that we could all, um... do her.”

  “And her friends.”

  Julian's overly friendly expression faltered. “Friends?”

  “Cooper said she left to get some friends.”

  Tim narrowed his eyes at Cooper. “Did he?”

  “That's right!” said Julian. “Friends! She went back to the bar to get some friends. She should be coming back any moment now.”

  Dave removed his helmet and started on the buckles and straps of his back and breast plates. “Why the hell are you guys still dressed?”

  “We've got a bit of a problem,” said Tim. “We thought you might be able to help. You see, Kristanya can't get back in here.”

  Dave stopped fiddling with his armor and looked up at Tim. “Why not?”

  “Cooper, the big doofus, shoved a wooden peg into the keyhole so that it would look like a woman with a big dick. He accidentally snapped half of it off, and the other half is stuck in there.”

  “How can I help?”

  “I've noticed that you've been preparing a couple of Mending spells on days when we're planning to go out drinking.”

  Dave nodded. “I figure Cooper's going to break something. If I can undo the damage with a Zero Level spell, it beats paying for it with our booze money.”

  “That's good thinking,” said Julian, laying pretty heavily into his Diplomacy skill. “Do you have any of those Mending spells prepared right now?”

  “Sure.”

  Tim stuck the half of the peg in his hand into the keyhole. “Would you mind?”

  Dave reached up and touched the peg. “I mend thee!”

  Tim let go of the peg. It stayed in place. Now that Tim mentioned it, it did look like a woman with a huge dick.

  “Everyone's awake, I see.” Kristanya had returned. She stood in front of her throne accompanied by ten more of those little demon fuckers, flapping in a cloud around her. “I wonder if ten quasits will be enough.”
She shrugged. “If not, there's plenty more where these came from.”

  “Kristanya!” cried Dave, looking at her like a fat kid looks through the window of a Dunkin Donuts. “I feared I was too late!”

  “Shit,” said Tim. “Cooper, grab Dave.”

  Cooper put Dave in a choke hold.

  Dave flapped his stubby arms and croaked, “You tricked me, you bunch of fags!”

  “Dude,” said Cooper. “Not cool, man. The preferred term is... Shit, I forgot. Leebyjeebies or something. But the point is that we can disagree without resorting to –”

  “FUCK YOU!”

  Cooper nodded, tightening his hold around Dave's throat. “See, that's okay because it doesn't –”

  “Why is this thing so goddamn slippery?” said Tim.

  Cooper turned to Tim, who appeared to be trying to jerk off the keyhole. His form was terrible.

  “Are you trying to pick the lock?” asked Kristanya. “That's adorable. Surely the sorcerer among you can tell you it's a magical lock, requiring a magical key.”

  Tim and Cooper glared at Julian.

  Julian looked at the floor. “I supposed I could have used a Detect Magic spell.”

  “Quasits!” Kristanya spoke to her minions. “Sting them until they're unable to move, but do not kill them.”

  The horde of Mini-Mes swarmed forward, baring their teeth and dripping dark green beads of venom from the stingers at the ends of their tails.

  “How's that peg coming?” asked Julian without taking his eyes off the quasits.

  Tim was now jerking off the keyhole's dick with his shirt. “I'm working on it. Just keep those things off me.”

  “Don't let Dave go anywhere,” said Cooper. He stepped forward on unsteady legs and tried to look like a threat that everyone should converge on at once.

  “Magic Missile!” cried Julian. A bolt of energy smacked the leading quasit in the face, flipping it over backward in the air. It reoriented itself before hitting the ground, and continued its charge at Cooper.

  Dave waddled forward quickly ignoring the quasits. His dick was like a succubus-seeking missile. “Kristanya!” Four quasits grabbed him, sinking their stingers into his bare meaty dwarf ass. Not the nimblest of folks to begin with, Dave tripped over his own feet and fell hard on his face. At least he appeared to have squashed one underneath him.

  Cooper reasoned that if he could grab two quasits by the tail, he could both neutralize the threat they posed and use them as weapons with which to fight the remaining ones.

  He failed to take into account his fucked up Dexterity score, however, and how it might affect his attempts at such a specific maneuver. The problem became clearer as he swatted and grasped at thin air.

  Two quasits laughed at Cooper's feeble attempts as the other four flew past him. Swinging his arms around like a drunk asshole apparently didn't make him look as menacing as he'd hoped. The two laughing quasits latched onto his shoulders and planted their stingers in his belly.

  “Son of a –” He'd braced himself for the pain, but it still hurt like a motherfucker. On the bright side, their tails were much easier to grab now that they were stationary.

  Cooper pulled the stingers out of his gut and swung the wailing creatures around like living nunchuks. He swatted one of Dave's attackers right out of the air. Its scorched face suggested it was the one Julian had hit with a Magic Missile. It flopped onto the floor and didn't get back up.

  “Excellent!” said Kristanya, clapping giddily as she backed up to her throne. “More, Cooper, more!”

  “Cooper!” cried Julian. “Help!”

  Cooper turned around to find Julian wielding the dead trial-run quasit, swinging its lifeless body wildly as he attempted to fend off the living ones. Tim, apparently confused about what he was meant to be trying to achieve, now had his face pressed against the door and appeared to be blowing the keyhole while three quasits stung him in the leg, arm and back.

  Julian grabbed the tail of the quasit stinging Tim's leg while Cooper swatted away the one on his arm.

  Tim flew backward off the horse and landed hard on his back, squishing the quasit underneath him. He spit out the peg and shouted, “FUCK!” He rolled over, pushed himself up, and punched the quasit in the face again and again until it crunched. “They hole's open, let's get the –”

  “NO!” screamed Kristanya, so loudly that the fighting stopped on both sides. She rose from her throne, flinging half-orc shit from her fingers. It coated her thighs, ass, and tail as well. “Who would... Why...”

  Dave groaned as he rolled over onto his back, cradling his junk in his hands. “I... heal... me.”

  Kristanya's red eyes flared up bright enough to light up the entire chamber. “I've changed my mind. Kill them all!”

  The five remaining quasits grinned, delighted that they were now allowed to stop fucking around, and all flew at Cooper. He tried to dodge their attacks, but he had the reflexes of a newborn calf. Teeth and claws tore at his flesh all over his body. He felt like he was on fire.

  Recalling PSAs from childhood, he did the only thing he could think of. He might not be able to fight effectively with a Dexterity score close to bottoming out, but he could fall down like a motherfucker.

  He bowed his head and fell backward, crushing the three quasits on his back. Two remained on his chest, feverishly gnawing and clawing his man tits. He grabbed them by the necks, ripped them off like Band-Aids, and smashed their skulls together until their wings stopped flapping.

  Kristanya advanced slowly, looking not at all concerned about her dead pets, but rather delighted at the sight of Cooper and his friends squirming around helplessly on the floor like bloody maggots.

  “You worthless, ungrateful swine. I invite you into my home, offer you my body and a means to end your miserable existence, and what do you do?”

  Tim squirmed closer to Julian and Cooper and whispered, “Julian, keep her distracted. I'm going for the door.”

  “What about Dave?” said Julian.

  “We can barely move. The only hope we've got is that Ravenus rounded up a posse and they're waiting to charge in from the other side.”

  Julian nodded.

  “And how do you return my generosity?” Kristanya continued. “You destroy my bed. You desecrate my throne. You filthy, disgusting creatures have the audacity to reject this body? Do you even know what I am?”

  “You're a disgrace!” said Julian. “How can you even call yourself a temptress? Do you realize how pathetic it is to have to use magic to get someone like Cooper to let you put his dick in your mouth?”

  “Ouch,” said Cooper. “Harsh, but fair.”

  Tim swayed to his feet like he had octopus legs and steadied himself against the horse.

  Kristanya stepped over her bedpost and walked past Dave, still cradling his nuts on the floor. “You know nothing of my kind, elf. I am a demon, a denizen of the Abyss, a –”

  “A coward. Once we started to resist your weak-ass Charm spells, you wouldn't come near us until you'd weakened us with a horde of your minions.”

  “That's what minions are for, sweet Julian. Why bother getting my own hands dirty? It's much more fun to watch. And how can you call me pathetic when your little friend still persists on trying to pick a lock that he knows can't be picked?”

  Tim kept trying to insert the key into the hole, but he kept missing. On the fourth try, it fell out of his hand and clinked onto the floor.

  “What?” cried Kristanya. “How could you...” She reached her hand out toward the key. “You thieving little slime!”

  The key began to fly toward her open hand, but Julian snatched it out of the air.

  “No more games! Give me that key!” Kristanya stomped toward Julian. “How dare you steal from me, you miserable little –”

  “FUCK YOU, BAT WHORE!” shouted Dave as a horn sprouted out of Kristanya's abdomen, dripping with black blood. Dave stood behind her, holding the bedpost, limp-dicked and panting heavily.

 
Kristanya screamed so loudly that all the candles flickered out. The only light left in the room came from her eyes, which were beginning to dim.

  Cooper crawled toward her. He couldn't do much, but he might be able to bite her ankle or something.

  Julian reached up and handed Tim the key, then turned to Kristanya. “Magic Miss–”

  Kristanya blinked, and the room went completely dark. Julian's spell fizzled out, and the bedpost Dave was holding clattered to the floor.

  “Way to go, Dave!” said Julian. “What happened?”

  “I don't know what I was thinking,” said Dave. “It was like I was in a trance.”

  “What made you snap out of it?”

  Cooper snorted. “He healed himself.”

  Julian frowned. “A Cure Light Wounds spell can remove a Charm?”

  “Of course not, dumbass. But you know how good those spells feel. Combine that with the fact that his balls were full to the point of bursting, it's pretty obvious he jizzed himself.”

  “I don't see how that would –”

  “Think of it this way. It's three in morning, and the bar's about to close. This girl's been eyeing you all night, but you were certain you could do better. Now that you've had a few more drinks and your options are running out, she starts looking a lot better. So you're making out in the back of the cab on the way back to your apartment and you jizz your pants. No big deal, right? You've got the rest of the cab ride to build it back up, and you'll probably last a little longer. But then your look at her again with a clearer head, and you wonder what the fuck you were thinking. Jesus Christ, she knows where you live now. Are you going to have to move? Do you have to –”

  “Cooper!” said Tim.

  “What?”

  “Shut the fuck up.” Tim hopped down from the horse and pushed the door open. Dim light spilled into the chamber. “JESUS!” He hit the deck.

  THWACK THWACK

  The horse caught two crossbow bolts. One in the neck, and the other in the eye. It was dead before it had a chance to scream. It vanished, and the two bolts clattered onto the threshold between dimensions.

  “Sorry!” said a balding gnome sitting on the side of the bed with a crossbow and a hard-on threatening to tear a hole in his little pants. “That was my fault.”