by Diane Ezzard
“Hmm, they did the place up last year.”
Nodding, I said, “Yes, they’ve made a good job of the decor.”
Keeping the tone light, I continued on as I didn’t want to push her away. Suggesting this wasn’t the most appropriate place to talk about her life, I did manage to persuade her to come back to the therapy rooms. We scheduled an appointment for the following week.
When Cassie started opening up to me more, the similarities between our two lives were uncanny. She didn’t often look me in the eye even though I tried to make her feel comfortable. Once she was confident talking though, her words began to stream out.
Sat in the grey upholstered tub chair opposite me, she told me quietly about more recent events.
“I left home when I was eighteen to move in with my boyfriend. He’s a few years older than me and Mum never approved of him. I wasn’t speaking to Dad over money I owed him. Mum can be controlling. She likes to think she’s in charge.”
“So your mum likes to think she’s the boss then,” I said.
Cassie ignored me and continued, “Charlie and I hit it off from the beginning. He’s tall, dark and handsome, so it was a no-brainer when I met him and surprisingly, he seemed to like me. He’s from a good home. His mum and dad are wealthy, not like us. Charlie was something of a misfit though. He had been excluded from school for dabbling in drugs.” She looked me in the eye at that point as if she sought my approval. I kept up the same expression and nodded.
“He was cheeky, and I was smitten,” she smiled. “For the first six months, everything was fine. Charlie was extremely jealous but then weren’t most boys. When we first got together, we laughed a lot. On our first date, Charlie took me on a rowing boat in Heaton Park. I wasn’t very good with the oars so at one point we nearly capsized.” Cassie chuckled to herself.
“Charlie just smiled at my predicament and took over the oars, in a very manly fashion almost pushing me out of the way in his enthusiasm to save us from capsizing. I didn’t mind though. He rowed us safely back to shore and when he took over the helm, he came up so close to my cheek that the feelings I had inside were electrifying. I thought I was going to die of shock. I almost swooned, impressed with his strength and manliness. He spoke so eloquently as well. He doesn’t have the usual Manchester twang that most of the boys I know have.” Cassie seemed lost in the memories of better times and paused.
“So he was different to the other boys, and you liked that,” I reflected. Cassie glanced across at me, realising I was still in the room.
“Oh yes, he was different alright, a lot more refined and edgy. This all added to the attraction. For me, he appeared to be the full package. He was intelligent, considerate, he behaved like a gentleman and he made me laugh. What was there not to like? After our first date, I couldn’t wait to see him again. I tried to play it cool and not reply back to his texts too quickly but I couldn’t help myself.”
Cassie’s words were flowing freely now, and she went on to say, “From the word go, I thought about Charlie every waking hour. Most boys before Charlie always arranged to meet up in bars or clubs. Charlie loved to take me to restaurants and always came to pick me up in his car, making sure he always opened and closed the passenger door for me. I loved being treated like a lady and I especially loved the fact that from the start he took me to nice swanky places. It didn’t bother me that he always chose what I should eat. After all, he was seven years older than me so had more life experience. When we weren’t together, Charlie would be texting or phoning to see what I was doing, up to about twenty times a day. I didn’t mind though. I enjoyed the intensity of the relationship back then and I felt I was falling for him in a big way.” Cassie began to cry.
“Here you are.” I held out the box of tissues for her to take one.
“It’s not like that now.” She started sobbing uncontrollably. I let her continue and then encouraged her.
“You’re doing really well, Cassie. I can see how difficult this must be for you.”
Coming to the end of our session, I smiled inwardly. We made arrangements to meet the following week. I felt pleased Cassie now trusted me enough to let me into her world. I thought we had a long way to go but at least she had made some progress and we were starting to see a shift. Thankfully, she wasn’t as reticent about treatment. Cassie had been the last client that night and, shortly after she left, I got myself ready to leave. I said goodnight to Janet, one of the other members of staff, put my coat on and walked out the door.
I put the strap of my handbag over my shoulder. I’d always been conscious of muggings and I tried to be even more cautious when it was dark outside. Walking through the centre of Bury, that feeling began to come over me, the one where I didn’t think I was alone. It is hard to describe to someone when you can’t find anything concrete to support what you are feeling, but I wasn’t imagining it. I saw shadows. If I stopped walking, the shadow stopped. I peered into a shop window. I wasn’t looking at the display, it was the reflection I was interested in.
A car horn blared in the distance. It made me jump. I kept looking over my shoulder but saw nothing to raise my suspicions. Something wasn’t right, though, because every time I glanced back, looking at the reflective glass, I felt a presence. This was real, and I felt frightened. People were walking along, but I was sure I heard footsteps behind me. I crossed the road, even though I didn’t need to. I got around the corner and broke into a run. I was so relieved when I reached my car. I was breathing rapidly. I bent my head down with my hands on my knees. I was out of breath. I resumed a standing position by my car door and waited, looking back but saw nothing. My hands were shaking as I fumbled to find my car keys. I got in and kept searching in the mirror for any clues but I couldn’t see anyone or anything suspicious. What had disturbed me? I didn’t know.
Chapter Thirteen
NOW
The next time Cassie came to see me she told me more about her family and the relationship she had with her overbearing mother.
“Even though Mum bossed me about,” she said, “I’d always been close to her and normally we talked about everything, more like friends than mother and daughter.” She looked down at her hands, “That was until I told her about Charlie. Mum wasn’t too keen on the idea of me being with him and at the time I couldn’t understand what the problem was. I thought she was jealous of the fact me and her weren’t spending as much time together doing girlie things like we used to as all my spare time was now taken up with Charlie.”
Not wanting to interrupt Cassie's flow, I kept giving nods and non-verbal encouragement to show I was listening. Cassie shook her head.
“Now I realise what was happening was Mum saw something she didn’t like in Charlie. He was too controlling for her liking and she thought he was taking over my life. I thought that was rich coming from her. I think she was infuriated because she couldn’t do a thing about it. I was old enough now to make my own mind up and the more she said anything, the more I dug my heels in and did the opposite.” Cassie glanced over at me, still shaking her head.
“The more Mum brought up anything about Charlie, the more I went on the defensive and my relationship with her became rocky. I stopped confiding in her. As far as I was concerned, we were no longer friends. Sometimes, I didn’t like what Charlie did but, being blinded by love, I only saw the good in him so I used to dismiss any reservations I had. Then came the day my relationship with Mum broke down completely. She’d got angry and lost her cool over the number of phone calls he made. ‘Can’t you see he’s just checking up on you!’ she screamed at me.” Cassie mimicked her mother’s voice.
“I was livid and told her he loved me and it was normal to be phoning your girlfriend. I said to her she was a cold jealous woman. We both started shouting abuse at each other. It had been bubbling under for some time. The argument got heated, and we both said things to each other we shouldn’t have. Then finally I told her I’d had enough, and I was leaving and I ran upstairs crying and packed an overnight bag.
” Cassie sat back in her seat, looking a lot more comfortable talking to me.
She continued, “I moved in with Charlie that night. He already had his own place, and he was over the moon. He was so pleased to see me when I turned up on his doorstep. He wrapped me in his arms saying, ‘Come in my precious girl,’ and ironically I felt so safe and secure.” She gave a little laugh and raised her eyebrows.
“I was sad things had gotten so bad with Mum but I felt sure she would come round in time when she saw how happy I was. Do you want me to carry on?” She looked across at me for reassurance.
“Yes, please do if you feel able.”
“The time I loved the most was in the kitchen. I loved cooking for Charlie to his precise specifications and doing the household chores just how he wanted me to. He had exacting standards, and I did my best to live up to them. But our domestic bliss was short lived. Looking back now I can see the changes that started to occur were subtle. Charlie chose my clothes. I wasn’t allowed to wear anything that was in the slightest way seductive. Then came the day when our idyllic bubble burst. We had our first major argument when I’d arranged to go out with my work colleagues for a birthday drink without him.” I could see Cassie taking gulps as she recalled the event.
“He said he would allow me to go, although he didn’t seem very happy about it. In a friendly tone, he’d suggested he would pick my outfit to wear. I’d had enough of him controlling me and I tried to put my foot down and insist on wearing what I wanted. He marched into the bedroom, got hold of me and dragged me by the hair into the kitchen. Then he pushed me over to the sink where dirty dishes were soaking. He ducked my head under the water and screamed at me for disobeying him. He held my head under for ages. It was horrible. I thought I was going to die.” Cassie put her hand over her mouth as she recalled the incident.
“It must have been very frightening for you, Cassie?”
Looking over at me, and with a tear in her eye, she said, “Yes it was. I thought he was trying to drown me. I couldn’t hold my breath for long. We eventually made up, but I didn’t go out that night. I told my friends I wasn’t well. In fact, that was the last time I made arrangements to go out with my mates. It became more trouble than it was worth. So I decided it was better to have a quiet life with no conflict. I tried to convince myself I was happy enough just going out with Charlie like he kept telling me.” Cassie took a drink of water and I encouraged her.
“You’re doing well talking through things you find so difficult.”
She carried on, “I’ve been with Charlie for nearly three years. The violence has been constant throughout that time. When he first started hitting me, I gave as good as I got but the beatings were worse when I retaliated, so eventually, I just put up with his behaviour and let him do his worst. Gradually, he cut me off from all my friends. I made my peace with Mum and sometimes spoke to her but things were never the same as they used to be and when I phoned her, it was only to ask how the family were. I didn’t want to stay on the line too long in case she got suspicious. The last thing I wanted was to worry my family. I never went home anymore to see Mum and Dad. My sister, Laura was doing her own thing, so we tended just to speak by text. I never confided in her about what was happening.”
“So, you were keeping things to yourself?” I asked. A tear appeared on Cassie’s face and she wiped it away with her hand.
“Yes. At work at the salon, the other girls were getting concerned about me. They’d noticed the occasional bruises, and I kept making excuses I’d walked into doors and lampposts. They weren’t convinced though because there were too many incidents. I sensed my personality was changing as well. I’d become very withdrawn at work, never wanting to join in with anything. I don’t think the other girls realised it was fear that kept the distance between us. Then one day Charlie told me I no longer needed to work and that he wanted me at home doing the cooking and cleaning. He told me his job in finance earned him enough to keep both of us. At first, I enjoyed the idea of being a lady of leisure but I soon got bored with staying home. Charlie got mad if I suggested arranging to meet up with any of my old friends. I was so lonely.” Cassie continued to wipe away the tears with a tissue. I understood only too well that Cassie had become a prisoner in the relationship. She was too afraid to leave, yet just as fearful staying.
“Take your time, Cassie.” I tried to comfort her.
“When I slashed my wrists, Charlie wasn’t impressed. He didn’t want our relationship put under a magnifying glass by outsiders.”
“Yes, I can imagine why he wouldn’t want that.” I nodded.
“The incident made Charlie angrier than ever because now people were asking questions about what was going on with the two of us. He thought someone might start putting silly ideas in my head, such as suggesting I should leave him. He’d called me foolish and showed me no sympathy. He was more concerned with how my behaviour would make him look. By now though I went along with whatever Charlie said. I still looked up to him in lots of ways even though I’d lost all confidence and self-respect. I feel so trapped.”
I thought about the relationship I was building up with Cassie. I was getting emotionally involved in the situation which was unethical for a counsellor. I thought I needed to confide more in my supervisor, especially concerning the dilemma of the coffee shop meetings. I knew I was in a very precarious position. I didn’t want to lose Cassie’s trust. I wanted to get Cassie to see that leaving Charlie would be the best thing for her but I thought that wasn’t my place to say so. However, I thought if I handled the situation with care and won Cassie over, I might be able to get her to see things in a different way. I had helped a number of girls in the past and realised telling them what to do was futile. I knew with domestic abuse cases, women only left when the pain got so bad, whether that be emotional or physical, and also when they had somewhere safe to go.
In the short time I had been in the job, I thought I was making a difference. I loved seeing women getting their confidence back whether it had been lost through years of putting others first or because they’d never had any self-worth in the first place.
With Cassie, I felt nervous. I thought about my own life and the similarities. Maybe there was a certain excitement taking risks with Cassie that, I had to admit, I enjoyed. Life had been anything but mundane and my behaviour in this situation proved to me I couldn’t just live a normal life. I thought Cassie’s case encroached on my life more than it should have done.
I definitely needed to discuss all my concerns with my supervisor as I didn’t want to put my job at risk however much I wanted to help Cassie. I also knew exactly what I was doing. I originally arranged to meet Cassie at a coffee shop at the back of the station, somewhat off the beaten track. I said this was for Cassie’s benefit but I felt it was because I too didn’t want to be seen by any of my work colleagues.
Not doing the right thing affected my physical health, and I wasn’t sleeping, worrying about work and the other things going on in my life. I lay awake at night and the hours passed. I would get up and make a brew or try reading. Nothing seemed to work. I’d had the dream again where I was with Mum and she wouldn’t come with me. I woke up feeling agitated, and the stress stayed with me throughout the day. I knew I had to do something to change the way I felt, but I wasn’t going to have a drink.
The next day, I’d left work at the usual finishing time instead of staying late. When I got home, I’d just put the key in the lock and opened the front door. Max greeted me.
“Hi, Max.” I stroked him and went to pick up the mail.
As usual, a pile of bills had been posted through the letter box. I spotted three envelopes which I picked up and was just going to open when I saw something else on the floor out of the corner of my eye. I noticed it, mainly because it was yellow and it resembled a taxi card that had been left. At first, I thought it was probably a firm promoting their services as I often got similar cards pushed through the letter box but when I picked the card up to exam
ine it, my heart sank. This wasn’t an ordinary business card. On the back, in big black bold letters, someone had written: I’LL BE BACK. I shuddered.
Who was doing this? What was going on? I thought it was a bit creepy. I wondered whether to inform the police but the words were hardly threatening or menacing and I didn’t believe they would make it a priority, especially as I didn’t know who I was dealing with. The trouble was if this was linked to the phone calls then not only did this mystery man have the landline number but he also now knew where I lived.
Chapter Fourteen
NOW
The following day, my nerves were still jangling, so I decided to phone Steph to discuss my worries. She picked up the phone on the first ring.
“Hi, Soph, what’s wrong?”
“Something’s happened.”
“What do you mean?”
“I think I’m being followed.”
“Followed? Why? How?”
“I know it sounds daft and I can’t really explain.”
She cut in, “Well, em… are you sure?”
“There have been a couple of occasions now I’ve thought it.”
A silence ensued then Steph asked, “Sophie, are you on any medication?”
“No, why do you ask?”
“You’re not on anti-depressants or anything?”
“No, of course not.” My voice was raised now.
“Don’t get upset. It’s just that, if you were, then it might explain it because certain medications can cause paranoia so I just wondered…”
“Steph, I’m not imagining things.” I’d become annoyed with her now and it was obvious she didn’t believe me.
“No, of course you’re not.”
“Anyway, there’s nothing you can do, Steph. I just wanted to let you know. I’ll speak to you soon.”
“Bye then, Sophie. You take care.”
