If It’s Not Forever: It’s Not Love

by Datta, Durjoy

  And Deb wouldn’t have had his story,’ Shrey taunts.

  ‘Whatever,’ I answer.

  A little later, we see a man walk towards us. I had prepared myself for the worst, but he is far more pitiable. He is much worse than I had imagined him to be. Nigel looks nowhere near the stud Ritam had described him as. He looks like a corpse. He must be a little older than me and is thin, scrawny, with barely any skin left on his face. He walks towards us with a limp. He has a little stubble and his skin is red with rashes. But I don’t feel sorry for him.

  ‘Do I know you?’ he asks in his throaty voice.

  It’s scary. He is a living example of why one shouldn’t get into drugs. His eyes look at us. They look dead and are sunken deep within their sockets. He looks dead already. It freaks us out. We just sit there and stare at him. We were angry at him for being the reason behind Ritam and Ragini not being together, but now he evokes sympathy and pity.

  ‘We are Ritam’s friends,’ Avantika says.

  She puts her hands on both Shrey and me to stop us from telling him the story. I know why she does that. Avantika too had been admitted to a rehabilitation facility in Delhi about seven years ago for her addiction to meth. She knows how to deal with these things. Avantika told us while we were in the taxi today that when in rehab, you need reasons to continue your life. Often, the patients who are admitted are suicidal. She had been one of them.

  ‘Ritam …? Oh.’ He remembers and smiles. He has a few teeth missing. He might have stumbled down the stairs when stoned. It happens frequently, Avantika had once told me. I wonder how she had managed to stay so spotlessly beautiful even after going through everything that Nigel has.

  ‘Do you know him?’ Tiya asks. We are surprised to see her piqued interest.

  ‘Yes, I know him. Ragini’s friend,’ he coughs. ‘Sweet guy.’

  His voice is very strange. And he makes a strange face every time he says something. It looks like it hurts his throat each time he tries to talk.

  Shrey asks what’s really important, Are you in touch with Ragini?’

  He pauses. Our heartbeats stop, our breaths wait in our lungs while he looks at us with pitiable eyes. We try to read his eyes, but all we can see are hollow, sunken eyeballs.

  ‘No, not really. I haven’t seen her in a long time,’ he says with a sigh.

  ‘How long?’ Shrey asks, exasperated.

  Nigel looks at Shrey strangely. Yes, we are all angry. How can he not know where Ragini has gone? He took Ragini away from Ritam and now he doesn’t know where the heck she is. This is just unfair. He had been an unreasonable boyfriend and maybe he deserves what he’s going through. I have only hatred for him.

  ‘It’s been long. I have run away from this place thrice to look for Ragini. I have never been able to find her …’ His voice trails off. ‘I will never forgive myself for what I made her go through.’

  Even though his face constantly tells me he is a person who is sad, morose and regretful of what he has done, I am still not moved. I was and will always be in Team Ritam. Not the guy who destroyed not one but two lives.

  ‘What happened when you ran away the last time?’ Avantika looks at him and asks. Avantika’s kind eyes make anyone open up his or her heart.

  ‘I ran away from here and reached my house. I had been off medication for three weeks and was tired and sick. I called Ragini and she told me she never wanted to see me again. She was angry at herself and angrier at me. She wanted to be alone and she didn’t let me say anything …’ he says.

  ‘What would you have said?’ Avantika asks.

  ‘I would have apologized and … and I would have told her that …’ he pauses and adds in his barely audible voice, ‘… that Ritam loves her and she should be with him.’

  ‘You knew?’ Shrey asks.

  ‘It was obvious. One look at Ritam’s face when he used to see Ragini and me together, and anyone could see the pain in his eyes,’ he says.

  The conversation just continues to make me hate Nigel more and feel sorrier for Ritam. Nigel is and was such a bastard.

  ‘You think Ragini knew about what Ritam felt for her?’ Avantika asks.

  ‘I had told Ragini a few times, but she said I was wrong and that Ritam could get a much better girl. She didn’t take me seriously. But she was ashamed about what happened. She said she had disappointed and let everyone down—Ritam, her parents, her aunt in Mumbai, everyone. She was very disturbed. She said—’

  ‘Yes? What did she say?’

  ‘She said that Ritam was right about everything … that she should have stayed away from me. She was full of regret that she had spoilt her bond with Ritam and fought with him for my sake. She told me she would never be able to face Ritam again. Not after all that Ritam had done for her and she repaid him only in pain.’

  Nigel has tears in his eyes. They still don’t move me. He destroyed lives. He deserves no pity.

  ‘I have called her a million times after that, but I think she has changed her number,’ he adds.

  ‘So you have absolutely no idea about where she can be now? Which city? Anything?’ Shrey asks.

  ‘After that phone call, she had sent me a Get Well Soon card. There might be some address on it,’ he says and his voice gets worse. He can barely talk now.

  ‘Can you get it for us?’ Avantika says.

  ‘Sure,’ he says as more tears trickle down his hollow cheeks.

  He gets up, staggers a little and then leaves the waiting room. I feel a little sorry for Nigel now, but he himself is responsible for his condition. It is such a contrast. On one side, there is Nivedita, the beautiful girl confined to a wheelchair, robbed of all her happiness due to her cruel fate and here is Nigel, who did this to himself. Sometimes, life makes no sense at all.

  A little later, he staggers back inside the visitors’ room with an envelope in hand. He sits before us and hands over the envelope.

  ‘Here,’ he says, showing us the card too. There is nothing written on the card. We give it back. We have no use for the card. But our eyes widen as we see the address on the envelope. Finally. Ragini. There is a Mumbai address on the envelope. We smile. Tiya sighs and mutters under her breath, ‘Mumbai again.’

  ‘Huh?’ Nigel says.

  Shrey fetches his cell phone to save the address.

  ‘You can keep it,’ Nigel says. ‘I have no use for it now. I have lost her forever.’

  ‘Hmmm,’ Shrey says, folds the envelope carefully and keep it in his pocket.

  ‘What else do you know about Ritam and Ragini?’ Avantika asks.

  ‘They could have made a really good couple,’ Nigel says. He looks guilty as he says that.

  ‘You know you screwed up, right?’ Tiya almost scolds him. Shrey asks Tiya to shut up.

  ‘She’s right,’ Nigel says. ‘I screwed up. And I am sorry for that.’

  ‘You’re sorry? He is dead now! And he couldn’t even tell Ragini that he loved her. All because of you. And you say you’re sorry?’ Tiya, with tears in her eyes, almost shouts at him. We look at her, shocked.

  He looks back at us and shouts, ‘WHAT?’

  Before we can say anything, she runs out of the room. Is she crying? It’s freaking weird. What happened to her? We look at Nigel, who looks back at us. His eyes have many questions and his face is blank. We don’t know where to start. And in this story, if there is a villain, it is him. And, obviously, some guy across the Indian border, who planted the bomb.

  ‘Is … is it … true?’ he asks, choked. We nod. ‘… H … how did it …?’

  As Avantika starts to narrate the story, he holds his head in his palms and breaks down. Avantika tells him everything that has happened till now. He takes time to compose himself. Finally, he says in his croaky broken-down voice, ‘It’s my fault.’ And breaks down again.

  ‘It’s not,’ Avantika says.

  ‘I should just die.’

  Maybe he should. He is detestable. Avantika looks at us and asks us to go and take care
of Tiya. It’s another way to say get lost. We get up and walk away from them. Shrey starts to look around for Tiya. I look through the glass to see Nigel break down time and again, as Avantika consoles him. She has that magic touch and those enchanting eyes that make everything seem better.

  I don’t know how she is so kind-hearted and empathetic. I still don’t feel a thing for the guy. Guys like Nigel are pests and should be treated like that. A little later, Avantika walks out of that door and smiles at me.

  ‘What did you say?’ I ask.

  ‘Nothing He will be okay in a while,’ she says. ‘Did you find Tiya?’

  ‘Shrey is looking for her.’

  We leave the building and spot Shrey and Tiya sitting in the car. Shrey is hugging her as she lies in his arms.

  ‘Tiya really psyched out in there,’ I say.

  ‘She is a love-struck kid, after all,’ Avantika says.

  I chuckle.

  ‘Such a bastard,’ Tiya mutters as we sit in the car.

  ‘Yeah,’ I say. ‘You gave quite a performance in there.’

  ‘I was just so angry. How can he throw away his life like that? And he even dragged down Ragini with himself!’ she says.

  Avantika nudges me and says, ‘What did I tell you?’

  I smile back. Tiya knows better than we’d assumed she does. She knows what’s right and what’s not. She is not stupid.

  ‘What did she tell you?’ Tiya asks me.

  ‘Nothing,’ I say.

  ‘Tell me!’ she exclaims. ‘You guys bitch about me behind my back?’

  We chuckle.

  ‘Whatever.’

  The conversation ends and Avantika asks the taxi driver to take us to the airport. Another flight. Like last time, the flight tickets are paid for by the company. This trip is proving to be quite an expense.

  ‘Please tell me that this will be the last stop,’ Tiya pleads.

  We know it’s fake. She’s equally interested in it now. Not once during the whole exercise from entering the facility and coming out of it, did she make a face or plug in her iPod and appear disinterested. She was listening intently had shouted at Nigel and almost snatched the envelope from Shrey’s hand to read the address.

  ‘I think we have established that Avantika is going to handle all our conversations from now on?’ Shrey says.

  ‘That’s a stupid question. Obviously it’s going to be her,’ I say.

  ‘Fine,’ Avantika says.

  The taxis whizzes through the streets of Bangalore as we head towards the airport again within the space of five hours. There is nervousness writ large on our faces. It’s going to be our last spot and it’s going to bring to an end our wild chase. I wish I had more time in Bangalore. It’s a wonderful city. Anyway, I can’t even begin to anticipate how Ragini would react. I’m glad Avantika will handle all of it. But I’m super curious to meet this mystery girl from the diary. I wonder what she’s like. And, as the dead guy says, ‘I wish I could see her tomorrow.’

  3 February 2011

  ‘How long can she be ignorant of my love? It seems like it’s been forever.’

  I was just in time to see her being transferred from the hospital to the rehabilitation centre. When I got to the hospital, I saw her dad complete the formalities at the reception and her mom was in her ward, packing up all her stuff. I understood that she had decided to go to the rehab. After everything was done, I went to help her get up from the bed. She did not accept my support.

  Two male nurses helped her out of bed, on to a wheelchair and into the van that waited outside. We waited for Nigel to come, but he never did. I was a bit shocked at first. How could he go against this so carelessly? But we did not wait for long. We knew he would not be coming.

  When she was brought to the rehab, I saw a strange look in her eyes. She looked defeated and detached, as if anything that happened around her had ceased to matter. She did not protest to any number of needles piercing her body and any number of medications pushed down her throat. The only thing she did refuse to do was to talk to anyone. She did not talk at all. Her parents kept trying to make her speak, but she did not utter a single word. I had decided to not give up that easily. I would keep trying and keep hoping she would reciprocate. Maybe she was just weak.

  I went to see her again today. She was in a much better condition. She was talking properly to everyone and looked at peace. Seeing her like that gave me some kind of relief. In the week that she had spent there, there was considerable progress. No one who would look at her from a distance would ever be able to guess that she was a patient and there was anything wrong with her. She looked normal. It made me happy.

  She seemed kind of happy too, until she saw me. After that, her attitude changed. It was as if she would have run away from me physically had she been capable of doing so. She looked disturbed on seeing me. I took the doctors permission to see her. But as soon as I got close, the nurses came and stopped me from getting in. The patient did not want to see me, they said. They had been given clear instructions. I have no idea why she did that, but all I know is that it hurt. Still, I did not force her. I honoured her wishes and stayed out of her range. I just saw her from a distance, like before, and made sure she had everything she needed. She seemed okay. She looked way better than she had looked some time back. I was happy with her progressing health. I did not ask for too much.

  I just wish I could see her tomorrow

  7 February 2011

  ‘Did I lose her forever? Just the thought is enough to stop my heart from beating. But I won’t let that happen. I have to be there. She might need me.’

  This time, when no one could find her, a part of me said that we would not find her alive. She had been recovering beautifully ever since she got shifted to the rehab, but suddenly, one day she refuses to see me, and the next day she disappears? Where did she go? This is a high-security rehabilitation centre. The security is almost as strict as that of a jail. It is impossible to even think of the possibility of an escape. And why would she go anyway? What was she not getting here? Wasn’t everything happening just the way she wanted? And she had seemed happy with the progress …

  I didn’t know where she was. And I didn’t know what to make of it. Had she given into the craving? I didn’t know where to search for her, but somehow, I just knew that I did not need to worry too much. I knew it in my heart that she would come back. Or else we would find her dead, somewhere in the campus. There was nothing I could do. I was helpless and powerless. But she came back. Within twenty-four hours of disappearing. When asked, she told them she was with Nigel. He had come to take her away from the rehab. And she ran away with him. But she did not have eloping with him on her mind. She went because she had thought she would be able to change Nigel’s mind and convince him to come to rehab too. He did not agree and she had to come back. Alone.

  When I heard about this, I smiled in relief. I knew that the bad times were over. She is okay now. Sane, sweet and caring, like she had always been. I was touched by the way she still wanted to try and get Nigel’s life back on track, even after what he did to her. I had almost lost her. Twice. Once to Nigel. Once to drugs and alcohol. But now, I am sure I have her back.

  But while I had started seeing us together again, she had different plans. Ragini’s mom gave me a letter today that Ragini wanted me to have. As I read it, I knew it was the end of the road for us. Ragini has decided my fate and it’s on that piece of paper. It’s a small message and it has wrecked my life. I don’t know what to do now. I am defeated. I am lost. I look at the paper in one hand and my ticket back to my city in the other. The internship ends tomorrow and with it ends us—Ragini and I.

  I know it won’t happen …

  … but I wish I could see her tomorrow.

  Where’s Ragini?

  We are back inside a flight. This time we’re flying back to Mumbai. Things have changed a lot since our last flight. Even though we were always just a phone number away from Ragini, somehow we had never imagin
ed that we would come so close. We are now just a few hours away from meeting her and I am shitting in my pants.

  There is palpable excitement as we leave the Mumbai domestic airport and look for a taxi. But with it, there is nervousness. Thank God I didn’t take this journey alone. It would have been difficult to talk to all these people and especially Ragini. There was no way I could have done it alone. We leave the airport and are blankly looking at each other. We have no idea what to expect.

  ‘We should go, right?’ Shrey says.

  Avantika has the envelope in her hand. It’s a Sunday so it’s probably the best day to catch her at home.

  ‘Yes,’ we echo.

  Finally after a little while, Avantika calls out to a taxi and it stops in front of us. She is the only one who shows a semblance of courage. The rest of us are pissing in our pants, and it shows on our faces. Even Tiya—our enfant terrible, give-no-shit-take-no-shit kid—looks nervous as hell.

  ‘Bhaiya,’ Avantika says and shows the paper to a taxi driver. ‘Can you take us here?’

  He nods and we board the taxi. We hope that we find Ragini home. Nobody says anything as the taxi leaves behind the Mumbai airport and crawls through the Mumbai traffic slowly. I don’t know how we’re going to approach this conversation. Everyone who has ever met Ritam likes him as a person and has reacted very strongly to the news of him passing away. I wonder how she will react. After all, she was the closest to him. And she had pushed him away. The guilt could be a little too much to bear for anyone in her place.

  We hope Ragini finds reason enough to go and meet Nivedita. I wonder how Nivedita is doing. It’s probably the day when her brother should have met her … but he won’t be there. Will she ever smile again when she finds her brother missing from her life? How would she come to know? Who will tell her? As I battle these questions, the taxi driver informs us that we are about to reach. The taxi drops us outside a modest-looking apartment building. We all look at each other—clueless, fighting questions—and wonder how this would end.

  ‘This is it,’ Shrey says.

  We enter the apartment building and recheck the address. It’s the right address. Seventh floor. We step out of the elevator and find ourselves standing right outside the door of Ragini’s house. Stupid Mumbai cramped apartments. We look at each other with blank faces. I take a deep deliberate breath and tell myself, This is it. Shrey knocks on the door. There is no answer. He knocks again. A voice, probably a maid’s, asks from the other side to wait. The door opens and I brace myself for the worst.