Confessions

by Sasha Campbell

  “No, because I know you. The only time you call me is when you want something. So whassup?”

  He blew a heavy breath. It was obvious he was stalling for time. I wasn’t in the mood for games. He was my youngest brother and also my favorite. I had been his mama for the first ten years of his life. If it had been one of the others, I would have probably hung up by now.

  “How come you didn’t make it to Mama’s birthday party last month?”

  I started laughing. He couldn’t possibly be asking me that question. “Why you think?…’cause I can’t stand her. What I look like coming to that woman’s party?”

  “Netta, you need to get over it!”

  “Get over what?” I wanted so badly to scream, get over my mother leaving me alone with Uncle Sonny so he could rape me, but there was no way I was admitting that shit to Cornbread. It was bad enough Travis knew.

  One night, my brother walked in with Uncle Sonny on top of me. All I could do was look over at Travis with fear in my eyes as I shook my head and signaled for him to go. I wasn’t afraid for me, I was afraid what might happen to him if Uncle Sonny had spotted him standing there in the door. Hell, that drunk was too busy pumping his little dick inside of me to notice, but that was a chance I didn’t want to take. Travis and I never talked about that night, and I definitely wasn’t about to bring that shit up now.

  “Mama’s a changed woman.”

  “Changed how? Just because she’s going to church and begged the Lord to forgive her for her sins doesn’t mean I have to forgive her too.”

  “Netta…” There was a long pause, and I swear it sounded like Cornbread was crying. “Mama’s in the hospital.”

  “For what?” I hardened my voice, trying to act like I didn’t care and was angry I was the least bit curious.

  “She needs a kidney. Dialysis just ain’t cutting it for her anymore.”

  “Ohhhkay…there’s three of you…. One of y’all give her a kidney.”

  “We tried…. None of us are possible donors.”

  “Oh, well, then I’m sure there is someone out there who will give her one. Is she on the donor list?” Not that I cared, but I had to ask.

  “Yep, but her blood type is rare. None of us are AB negative but you and Murphy.”

  “Then I guess y’all better dig Murphy’s ass up, ’cause she can’t have one of mine!” I knew that was mean to say. Murphy was second to the youngest, and he and Cornbread were so close. But Murphy had been hardheaded from the beginning. Nothing I ever said to him mattered. He didn’t want to listen. He dropped out of high school and started hanging with the wrong crowd. I wasn’t surprised to find out he had started dealing drugs. Five years ago he was killed during a bust.

  “Netta, puhleeze…do it for me.” He was begging, and I hated him for putting me on the spot. “No.”

  “Come in and at least see if you’re a possible donor match,” he insisted.

  “What part of no don’t you understand…the N or the O?” I blew my horn at a Camry that jumped in front of me. Cornbread had me so upset I almost had an accident.

  “Listen, no matter how much you try to act like you hate her, she’s still your mother, and everyone deserves a second chance.”

  I snorted rudely in the phone. He was wasting my time.

  “For once think about someone other than yourself. Mama’s dying and she needs you.”

  Don’t you know he had the nerve to hang up on me. Nobody hangs up on me. Fuck you, Cornbread! Where was Mama when I needed her? I’ll tell you where she was. She was out chasing a rock or sucking dick to get a fix. I remember trying to tell her what Uncle Sonny was doing to me. Darlene punched me in the mouth and said I needed to quit lying because if she had to choose which one of us had to leave, it definitely wouldn’t be the person who was paying the rent. My own mother had turned her back on me, and that hurt. Now she needed me and I was turning my back on her. Tit for tat.

  A tear had the nerve to roll down my cheek, and I brushed it away. There was no way I was going to cry over her or my lost childhood.

  14

  Nikki

  I don’t know why, but I was nervous. And I guess I had every reason to be. This would be my first date in fifteen years with someone other than Donovan, and it felt so weird. I was nervous and excited at the same time. I also wanted to look my best, which is why I asked Tristan to go shopping with me. Unfortunately, he had a date, so I had to beg Netta to come with me to what she refers to as the “po-folk’s mall.” I personally didn’t see anything wrong with finding a bargain.

  “What about this outfit?”

  I looked over at the two-piece outfit with a plunging neckline and the coochie cutter shorts and turned up my nose. “You’ve got to be kidding.”

  She shrugged. “Hey, it will definitely get his attention.”

  “Yeah, the first thing outta his mouth will be, how much?”

  “He might even reach inside his pocket for a stack of one dollar bills.” She started cracking up.

  “Netta, crazy ass, you know exactly what he’s gonna think.”

  “Hey, I was trying to help you out. I know it’s been a while since you had some, and there’s probably cobwebs you need someone to come and clean out. He might be the man for the job, although…” She sucked her teeth for dramatic effect. “I heard he ain’t working with much.”

  My head snapped to the left. She had heard the rumors too. It took everything I had to keep a straight face. “What I tell you about rumors?”

  “Hey, I also heard he was a womanizer and crazy, but if you wanna go out with the dude, I am not gonna stand in the way of true love.”

  “You’re the one who told me to give the man a chance.”

  “No, I said for you to get some dick. I was expecting you to take him home after we left the party. Not start a relationship.”

  I moved to the next rack of outfits on clearance. “I wouldn’t go that far. He comes across as someone who likes having someone at home when he gets there…that he likes having a family.”

  “Yeah, someone sitting at home while he’s in the streets.”

  “Come on, now…. If he was that bad, why would his wife have stayed with him as long as she had, and if he wasn’t working with much, why would women be interested in messing with him?”

  “Curiosity. Hell, even I’m waiting for you to come back and let me know whether the rumors are true, because inquiring minds wanna know.”

  I started laughing and reached for a pair of jeans and a matching jacket. “What you think of this?”

  Trinette turned up her nose at the $49.99 price tag. “Nikki, that’s something outta the 60s. Look at those daisies on the thighs and the bell-bottoms.”

  “Hey, bell-bottoms are back in.”

  She sucked her teeth. “Whatever.” Trinette scanned the rack and reached for something more her style. “Here, go try this on.”

  I looked down at the black jumpsuit with long sleeves that zipped up the front. “This might work.”

  “I know it will, now go in the dressing room.”

  Just like her to act like she knows best. I went in and undressed. I just hate those four-way mirrors they put in the room. I can see my rolls and every bit of cellulite invading my thighs. I slipped into the jumpsuit and zipped it up. Turning side to side, I smiled. It had just enough spandex in it to accommodate my hips and sistah girl butt. I stepped out. “What do you think?”

  “Daaayum! You’re wearing the hell outta that outfit. I told you it would look good.” I turned in front of the big mirror on the wall and smiled. She was right. I look luscious.

  “Now all we have to do is find you a fabulous pair of boots and you’ll have that man drooling.”

  I stared at her reflection in the mirror and turned up my nose. “I’m not sure I want him doing that.”

  “No, what you want is for him to be drooling on something between your thighs.”

  Remembering how good his lips felt…that didn’t sound like a bad idea.r />
  By seven, I was standing in front of the full-length mirror in my bathroom. Trinette had complemented the black jumpsuit with red leather boots and a wide red belt. I have to admit I looked fabulous and more than ready to spend the evening with Kenyon. I retwisted my front locks, applied a little mascara and lipstick, then moved into the living room and took a seat to wait.

  Ever since we watched that DVD together our relationship had grown closer. It felt so good laughing for a change and having something to look forward to every evening. In one week, he had brought so much joy to my otherwise depressing life. But even though I was having a good time, part of me felt guilty. I don’t know why, but I felt as if I was cheating on my husband. And I couldn’t understand that since he was the one who said it was time for us to move on. But deep in my heart, I felt like we still had some unfinished business to attend to. But maybe I was just trying to hold onto something that was no longer mine. All I know is, I was tired of going to bed feeling horny. I hadn’t had a man hold me in his arms in so long, I was dying for that comforting feeling again.

  I looked down at my watch, then reached inside my purse and decided to call Big Mama’s room. My mother answered the phone.

  “Are you coming to the hospital?”

  I was so tired of going through this with her. Wasn’t I just there yesterday? I didn’t like seeing Big Mama in the hospital. It was hard for me. She and my aunt lived at the hospital day and night and felt that because I was Big Mama’s favorite, I should be at the hospital all damn day. It’s not my fault my mother doesn’t have a life.

  “I’ll come out tomorrow morning.” That seemed to shut her up. “How’s Big Mama?”

  “Doctor thinks she’s doing better and will be ready for physical therapy in another week.”

  My pulse slowed. That was the news I needed to hear. I needed my grandmother. I couldn’t imagine my life without her. “That’s good to hear.”

  “Yes, it is. You wanna speak to her?”

  “Please.”

  I heard Mama telling Big Mama it was me, then seconds later, I heard her speak in a low voice. “There’s my chickadee. I was wondering if you were going to call me.”

  A smile curled my lips. “You know I’ve got to call and check on you.”

  “I’m doing fine, but I’d be a lot better if they’d just let an old lady go home and die happy. This food they’re trying to feed me has no flavor.”

  Knowing what she likes, I couldn’t help but laugh. “That’s because it’s good for you.”

  “No. Good food is what I cook at home in my own kitchen.”

  She ain’t never lied. Big Mama could throw down in the kitchen, but most of the foods she prepared were high in fat, and after a stroke three years ago, that was the last thing she needed.

  “Let’s get you better first, then maybe I’ll have Trinette make you a pot of greens.”

  She laughed. “Now you’re really trying to kill me.” I laughed along with her, then there was silence before I spoke again.

  “Big Mama…Donovan asked for a divorce.”

  “Baby, I’m so sorry. He’s such a good man. A shame the two of you can’t stay together.”

  I released a heavy sigh. “We’ve been drifting apart for years. I knew in my heart when he left for Iraq it was over.”

  “I sure hate that. Every woman needs a good man in her life. Women nowadays are too independent…. Men don’t like that. They need to feel needed.”

  Big Mama took a deep breath, and I could tell by her voice she was getting tired. “Just pray on it. I hate to see you make a mistake you later regret.”

  “I won’t.”

  “Well…thanks for calling me. I love you.”

  My eyes flooded with tears. “I love you too, Big Mama.”

  I hung up just as I heard a car pull up in the driveway. Rudy jumped in the window seat and peeked his head through the blind.

  “He’s here to see me. Not you.”

  Rudy gave me a look, then hurried to the door. I rose from the couch just as the doorbell rang. I swung it open and there Kenyon stood.

  He was such a gorgeous man. He looked fabulous in dark jeans, a chocolate Enyce shirt and Timberlands on his feet. He greeted me with those amazing dimples. “Hi.”

  “Hi yourself, sexy,” he said, slipping his arms around my waist. Instantly, I felt comfortable in his warm embrace. He released me first, thank goodness, because I wasn’t sure if I ever would have let him go. I stepped aside so he could enter, and Rudy immediately started barking at him.

  I smiled at the tickled look on Kenyon’s face. “You have to rub him and acknowledge him as the man of the house, otherwise he won’t stop.”

  “No problem. Hello, Rudy.” Kenyon held out his hand for Rudy to sniff, then he rubbed his coat. “You’re a good boy.” He patted his stomach, and Rudy started wagging his tail. “I think I’ve won him over.”

  “Yep, I would agree.” And if he played his cards right, he’d win mama over as well. “Let me grab my purse and we can leave.” I moved down the hall and stayed in my room long enough to pop a few breath mints in my mouth and check my hair and makeup to make sure they were perfect, then grabbed my leather jacket from the closet and returned to the living room. I stopped at the end of the hallway and simply smiled. Kenyon tossed Rudy’s ball across the room and waited for him to bring it back.

  “I see you found his favorite game.”

  He shrugged. “Most dogs like to play fetch.”

  I let him toss the ball a couple more times, then I reached for a snack from the kitchen cabinet. “Come on, Rudy. Time to go in your kennel.” He immediately raced into the family room where his kennel sat in the corner near the couch close to the television. That way he could watch Animal Planet while I was away at work.

  “You lock your dog up during the day?”

  “I don’t have a choice. If I leave him out, he has a tendency to destroy things or cock up his legs against the couch.”

  Nodding, he started to chuckle. “You definitely can’t have that.”

  I practically had to drag Rudy into his cage. He wanted to finish playing with his new friend. It was almost eight by the time I finally locked the house and headed out to Kenyon’s Lincoln MKS.

  “Nice ride,” I complimented him while he opened the passenger door.

  “Thanks. The car’s a birthday present to myself. I’ve never had a new car and decided at forty it was about damn time.”

  “I agree.” The ride was sleek, and as soon as he started the engine, it purred like a tiger.

  Kenyon pulled off, and I started to get excited about our evening. There was something about this man I found sexy and intriguing. Other than being fine, he seemed to be adventurous and enjoyed having a good time, and I desperately needed a little excitement in my life.

  Jennifer Hudson’s voice blared through the speakers, and I leaned back in my seat and closed my eyes. As far as I was concerned, the night was full of possibilities.

  “You have any brothers or sisters?”

  I opened my eyes and looked over at his curious face. “I have a younger sister who lives in L. A. What about you?”

  Kenyon nodded. “My sisters raised me. I’ve got six of them and one brother. I’m the youngest.”

  “And probably spoiled rotten.”

  He laughed at that. “I’ll never tell.”

  “Believe me, it won’t be hard to find out.”

  Smiling, he reached over and captured my hand with his. “If there is anything you wanna know about me, please, don’t hesitate to ask. I don’t have anything to hide.”

  I smiled along with him, then got lost in the words of the song. It wasn’t long before we pulled up in front of a townhouse. He turned off the car, and I looked over at him. “What are we doing here?”

  “Having dinner,” Kenyon replied, and he climbed out.

  I frowned. His cheap ass had brought me to his house for dinner. I knew it was his house because I’d looked his name up in the ph
one book and knew he lived on Chambers Avenue. Hell, I spent all that money trying to look good for nothing. I tried to hide my disappointment as I stepped out the car. He took my hand and we moved up the sidewalk to his place. Kenyon better be one helluva cook.

  Kenyon released my hand, turned the key in the door and signaled for me to go before him. The second I stepped through the door, I heard a guitar playing. My head whipped to the side, and there were two Mexicans dressed in their native attire and even wearing sombreros. They were singing a Spanish serenade.

  I turned to Kenyon, who was grinning. “Benvenido a Mexico my amor.”

  I started laughing. That was the worst attempt at Spanish I ever heard. Taking my hand, he led me into the dining room. The table had been set up with a white linen tablecloth, and a candle was burning in a hurricane vase in the center. He pointed into the other room. “That’s my boy Felipe in the kitchen. He owns San Jose’s, that Mexican restaurant on West Florissant?”

  I nodded. “Yeah, I’ve seen it but never had a chance to eat there.” A chubby Hispanic male waved to me from across the island in the kitchen.

  “Well, you’ll get your chance tonight. Please, have a seat.”

  I sat down and couldn’t stop grinning. No one, not even Donovan, had ever done anything this romantic for me in my life. I looked down at the table and there was an envelope addressed to me.

  “Go ahead and open it.”

  I reached for it and pulled out the card inside. The new woman in my life. I knew the moment I saw you, you were going to be someone special… I went on to read the lines that followed and was completely moved by the words and emotions Kenyon had poured into it. This wasn’t courtesy of Hallmark. They were all his words. I looked over at him. Suddenly I wanted him. My coochie clenched just thinking about having his beautiful body sweating on top of me. “Thank you.”

  “You’re welcome.”

  The musicians moved into the room and positioned themselves in the corner. The air smelled of grilled meat and sautéed onions. I kept looking at Kenyon, who was grinning at me, and found myself again wondering what Kenyon was working with. I thought, please don’t let the rumors be true, because I wanted to end the evening with all that fine goodness plunging between my thighs.