Confessions

by Sasha Campbell

  “Why?”

  Damn, was he really going to make me say it? “Because I was a fool. I took our marriage for granted. I stopped putting in the work. I put you and I on the back burner and was so busy focusing on what I wanted instead of what we needed that I allowed our marriage to fall apart. That was so unfair. And it might be hard for you to believe it, but I’m hurting. I didn’t think our marriage ending would matter all that much to me, but it does.” I slipped a pillow under my head and got comfortable. “Regardless of how selfish I had been, one thing I could always say…was my husband loved me. It was one thing I…I had always been confident about, but you dumping me on Valentine’s Day is something I’ll never understand.”

  “I didn’t dump you on Valentine’s Day,” he denied.

  “Yes, you did!” I couldn’t keep the anger out of my voice. “You flew down here on Friday the thirteenth, told me you weren’t buying the house, then waited till Valentine’s Day to tell me it was over.”

  “I never said it was over. I just said I needed time to figure out what it was I wanted.”

  I couldn’t hold back the tears from my voice. “You left me…on my favorite holiday to spend it with a-another woman.”

  “Netta, there’s no other woman.”

  I wanted so badly to believe him, but I just couldn’t make myself do it. “I-I can’t do this. This was why I haven’t called.”

  “Why did you e-mail me?”

  “Dammit, because I’m hurting!” I screamed at him. “I needed to get everything off my chest so for the first time in weeks I can finally get some sleep and start seriously planning my new life.”

  There was silence. I was already regretting sending the e-mail. Marriage was too hard, and I just don’t think I was ever any good at it. “Listen, we’re past this and there is really no point in us bringing up what happened. I don’t hate you. I never can. I will always love you and want only the best for you. These last few weeks have been a learning experience for me. I can’t believe it, but it took you deciding not to buy the house for me to finally get my shit together, and I thank you for that. I finally will have control over my own life, and that’s something I’ve never had.”

  “Are you saying I never allowed you to be your own woman?”

  “No, you did, but you also allowed me to lean too much on you…to depend too much on you, and that was a mistake.”

  “What’s wrong with a man wanting to take care of his wife?”

  “Nothing. Absolutely nothing, but I got too comfortable, and because of it I started taking you for granted.” I was getting emotional again. Damn, what was wrong with me? “Anyway, I finally feel like I’m actually doing something for me. I’m looking forward to graduating in May and planning the next six months of my life. I’m gonna work on paying off one credit card at a time until they are all paid off and cut up. The money you gave me will make that possible. So, thank you.”

  There was a pause, then Leon released a heavy sigh. “I told you eight years is too long to just move on that quickly. It’s gonna take time for both of us, but I want this transition to go as smoothly as possible because I care about you.”

  “I appreciate that.” I took a deep breath. I needed to end the call before he did. “Well, thanks for calling. Talking to you made me feel more at peace, and I appreciate that.”

  He hesitated as if he wanted to say something else but didn’t. “Thanks for e-mailing me.”

  “No problem. You take care.” I hung up the phone before he had a chance to say anything else. I reached for my purse and keys and headed out the door and into my Mercedes. Once behind the wheel I got ready to put the key in the ignition, when I dropped my head onto the steering wheel and started bawling my head off. I lied. I didn’t feel closure. I felt lonely and so damn empty. And I missed my husband sharing my life with me.

  After my phone call with Leon, I felt so sad, and the feeling followed me through the next couple of days. I felt empty. Can you believe that shit? Me, Trinette Montgomery, feeling lonely. But it wasn’t a regular kind of lonely. There was suddenly a void in my life I needed to somehow find a way to fill. Another man was definitely not the answer, nor was shopping. Somehow I had no desire, and that’s rare for me. No, what I needed to do first was find some kind of inner peace, and that meant for the first time in my life I needed to open up my heart and let everything out I had been holding inside all these years. That one e-mail just wasn’t enough. There were so many other things I needed to tell Leon. There was no way I could open up my heart to him over the phone or in person. It had to be the chicken way—in a letter, because then I couldn’t see his face or his reaction. I don’t know why it was important to open up to him, because it wasn’t like I was trying to get him back, but a part of me felt like I needed to let him finally meet the woman he had married. Maybe then I would have a better understanding of the person I had become and maybe it would give us both some peace in the process.

  I fixed myself an apple martini, then moved into my office and took a seat in front of my computer. I had never been much of a writer, but I kept a journal for many years. It was just a way for me to find peace in my own mind.

  For the longest time I just sat there sipping my drink and staring at the keyboard. Just open your heart. It took three martinis before I finally took a deep breath and started typing.

  You’re probably amazed to hear from me again since in all the years we’ve been together I’ve barely e-mailed you at all, but there are some things I need for you to know about me. Maybe then it would make some sense as to why our marriage was doomed from the beginning.

  I’m a hateful bitch. I know it. Hell, my family all know it. But my past made me the way I am. I’ve always tried to be someone I wasn’t, trying to compete with the Joneses, as my cousins used to say with their hating asses. Remember when you used to ask me why I hated my uncle Sonny so much and didn’t want to have anything to do with him? Well, it’s because Uncle Sonny sexually molested me for almost four years. A week after my twelfth birthday my period started. He came to me one evening when we were at home alone and said, “I heard you’re a woman now.” I couldn’t believe my mama had told him. He walked up to me and gave me a hug, then brought his lips to mine and said, “I’m going to show you what women do.” Mama was somewhere out in the street, chasing a rock, while he led me back to his bedroom, shut the door and climbed on top of me. I screamed and fought, but he didn’t stop until he was finished. After that he used to sneak in my room whenever Mama was out. I wanted to tell someone, but he threatened to kill Koolaid and for the longest time I believed him. He started giving me money and thought that made it all right. By the time I was fifteen, I finally found the courage to say no. I tried to bite his dick off when he forced me to go down on him. After that he never touched me again.

  I was determined to get out of Englewood Park and discovered I could use sex to get whatever I wanted, so I used it to my advantage. That’s how I paid for my apartment and had the money to cover what grants wouldn’t so I could afford to go to college. Men saw me and all they were interested in was getting between my legs. I let them for a small price. There were times when I didn’t feel I was any better than my mother, when she was fucking for a rock. But I was determined that if I needed to use someone it had to be to my benefit. My determination to have a better life was what kept me warm at night.

  Then you came in my life, and for once a man didn’t want anything from me but me. I wasn’t used to that and I kept my guard up. I realize now I always have because I just didn’t know how to trust a man. You were a good man, but you married a woman who’s fucked up in the head. It wasn’t you. It was me.

  I hit SEND and released a heavy sigh. A tear slid down my cheek, but I didn’t bother to brush it away. That life seemed so long ago, yet the pain I felt growing up felt as raw as if it had been just yesterday. No young girl should have to go through what I had gone through. My mother should have protected me.

  I didn’t have ti
me to be sitting there feeling sorry for that lost little girl. I had a lot to be thankful for. Moving into the kitchen, I fixed myself another martini and was walking to my room when I looked over at the bookshelf on the wall and noticed the book Mama had left me. I had stuck it there when she left but never bothered to look inside.

  I carried the book over to the table and took a seat, then looked inside.

  The pages were filled with the first ten years of my life. Pictures only minutes after delivery all the way up to the spelling bee I won in the fifth grade. On these pages were the happiest accounts of my life. Things I had forgotten about like my dog Spencer I had at six, my favorite pink frilly dress, and the birthday party I had at Chuck E. Cheese’s. Somehow through all Mama’s years of living on drugs, she had held on to this book and the memories, and had given them back to me.

  As promised, Mama hadn’t contacted me since she’d come to the house. The ball was now in my court. I no longer hated her. I just wasn’t sure yet if I was ready to reach out to her.

  A bell sounded, indicating I had a message. I went back into my office, clicked the mouse and my heart pounded when I noticed it was from Leon. My hand was shaking as I opened his e-mail.

  I wish you had trusted me enough to have told me about your childhood. As your husband it’s my job to protect my wife, and I feel frustrated I hadn’t known. I really feel like I understand why you behaved the way you did. I couldn’t begin to admit I know the pain you went through, but my heart hurts knowing it happened to you. You are one of the strongest women I’ve ever known, and that’s one thing I’ve always admired about you. The other is your determination to succeed at anything you set your mind to. I truly hate that I only knew only a piece of Trinette. I feel robbed and cheated because you were never the wife you could have been. I know deep inside there is a loving and vulnerable woman because in the eight years of our marriage, I witnessed glimpses of her. I just wish you had trusted me enough to have let your guard down and allowed your husband to love you. In a way, I feel I never allowed you to know the real me because I too feel like I also held on to a piece of myself. In the back of my mind, I was always prepared for our relationship to end. I had a backup plan so when, not if, you decided not to come to Richmond there would be no real loss. I loved you, but I don’t feel as if I totally opened up my heart to you.

  A sob rose to my throat. I felt as if Leon were standing in the room talking to me. It may sound crazy, but I could hear his deep robust voice and felt the warmth of his large hands holding mine.

  I hit REPLY and allowed my fingers to fly across the keyboard again.

  Why is it now when we’re no longer together we both realize the mistakes we made? I know I guarded my heart, refusing to allow myself to be vulnerable again. I was a scary ass growing up and that’s why Uncle Sonny hurt me for so long. In high school I was looking for love in all the wrong places and had my heart broken one time too many. By the time I met you, I had already put my heart under lock and key, and I just couldn’t see risking everything. Now I know that was a big mistake.

  I wrote a few more lines, then sent the message and found myself sitting there sipping my drink as I waited for him to reply. We went back and forth for almost two hours before I finally decided it was time for me to go to bed.

  The next morning, I hurried to work before the other case managers arrived. Something was heavy on my mind and I needed to share it with Leon before I lost the nerve. I booted up my computer and typed a quick e-mail.

  Do you think it’s possible to get together and talk in person?

  I hit SEND before I could chicken out and change my mind. But after ten minutes of nothing back from him, I started to panic. If he said no, I would feel like a fool. If he didn’t respond, I would feel like an even bigger fool. What in the world was I thinking? I immediately e-mailed him again.

  Ignore my e-mail and please don’t respond. Seeing each other is not a good idea. It’s best to leave things alone.

  I quickly hit SEND, then released a deep breath just as Maureen came waltzing in wearing a black suit with a candy apple red shirt and matching shoes. Ever since I had fallen apart, I hadn’t been taking as much time to get ready in the morning. Don’t get me wrong, I’m going to always look good, I just didn’t feel fabulous.

  “Good morning, everyone,” Maureen said as she moved to her desk and then turned to me. “Hey, girl, you know what today is?”

  I gave her a weak smile, then returned to my case files. This afternoon she and I would be going through a second and final round of interviews for the director’s position. All other candidates had been eliminated.

  My computer chimed, indicating I had received an e-mail. One click of my mouse and my heart pounded. It was from Leon.

  I think meeting is a good idea. If nothing else we’ll both find closure.

  My heart hurt. It sounded to me like he had already moved on with his life. But deep down I needed to see him. Part of me wanted him to see me and think about all he was giving up so he would have second thoughts and beg me back. It was crazy. I know. I wanted Leon more than I wanted anything else, including the director’s position, but I was too proud to put my pride aside to admit I still loved this man and didn’t want him with anyone else. I never thought him being with another woman would bother me, but I was wrong.

  I reached for my mouse, hit REPLY and typed a simple message.

  OK. When would you like to meet?

  36

  Trinette

  That Friday, I could barely focus at work so I took the rest of the afternoon off and jetted to the mall to find something sexy to wear. I needed Leon to see everything he was giving up and desperately needed him to want me.

  After an hour of shopping, I packed up my overnight bag and hit the highway. I couldn’t get to the airport fast enough. My hands were shaking, and the entire time my mind was racing. Listening to music didn’t help, so I called Nikki.

  “Hey, girl, you on your way?”

  I released a long, shaky breath. “Yes…Nikki, I’m so nervous.”

  “I know how you feel. I felt the exact same way when Donovan came home.”

  That was at least a relief to hear. “I keep thinking, what if I see him and feel nothing for him or, even worse, he no longer feels anything for me?”

  “That’s just nerves. The two of you have spent a lot of time e-mailing the last two weeks and getting things off your chest.”

  “We have. I can’t believe how much. It’s scary. I’ve never allowed myself to be this vulnerable before.” I was crying now because I was nervous and the unknown was driving me insane.

  Nikki tried to comfort me. “Big baby, quit crying. The two of you are gonna be just fine. Just open up your heart and love that man, and the rest will be easy.”

  “I sure hope so, Nikki. I love my husband so much. I don’t know what in the world I was thinking all these years.”

  “Don’t worry about that. At least you finally got it right.”

  “I hope so…. I sure hope so. Thanks, Nikki. Please pray for us.”

  “Girl, the person who needs prayer is me.” She chuckled. “If that fool pops up at the store one more time I’m going to scream.”

  It felt good to laugh. “You need to just get an order of protection against that crazy mothafucka. It don’t make sense for someone to be stalking you like that after you already told him it was over.”

  “Yeah, but I don’t think it’s that serious. I’m hoping eventually it will start to sink in.”

  “It better, ’cause I know Donovan ain’t having it.”

  “Don’t I know it. Anyway, I’m getting ready to lock up the store. Enjoy the weekend and we’ll talk on Sunday. I’ve got my fingers crossed.”

  I hung up and felt so much better as I continued down Highway 40. “Please, Lord. Please let my relationship with my husband work itself out.” I believed in prayer, and I’ve been doing quite a lot of praying lately. If I didn’t have anything else, at least I had my fait
h in God to pull me through.

  Growing up, we rarely went to church, but prayer was always a big part of our daily life. I remember Mama sitting on the side of the bed while I knelt down and said my prayers. Afterward, she’d tuck me in and tell me how much she loved me. Those were some of the rare memories I had of the woman she used to be. As much as I hated to admit it, I saw a glimpse of that beautiful yet humble woman when she had visited my house. I frowned. The last thing I wanted to do was think about my mama.

  I pulled into the hotel parking lot shortly after nine and checked into my room. Leon and I agreed we needed to meet at a neutral location. I barely had a chance to look around the luxurious suite when my cell phone rang. My pulse raced. It was Leon.

  “My plane just landed,” he announced.

  “Already!” Oh, shit.

  His laughter sounded forced. “Yeah, already. You don’t sound like you’re looking forward to seeing me.”

  “No, definitely not that. I just thought I…I would have a chance to shower before you got here.”

  “Well, get showered. I’ll be there shortly.”

  I hung up and took the quickest shower ever, then sprayed on some smell good and slipped into a pair of Baby Phat jeans and a pink blouse. One thing I loved about Leon is that he always noticed how good I looked. Tonight, I wanted his eyes to be all over me. I wanted him to remember how good it used to be between us.

  I sat there on the couch with my legs crossed and waited for what felt like forever for him to arrive. All I could think about was the way I had treated that man all these years. How I had taken his love for granted. I had been a straight-up fool. I would never get over the pain I felt when I realized he was gone from my life. Leon was a good man and there was no way I wanted to lose him to another woman.