Aloha from Hell (Sandman Slim)

by Richard Kadrey

  I do it. I get down on one knee like Semyazah. The crowd goes apeshit. I get up while they’re still screaming. Always leave your audience wanting more. I get my ass back into the elevator and up to the penthouse. My guts are in knots, but no one’s taken a shot at me yet.

  When I get upstairs Lucifer is there, chatting casually with Alice and the angel like they’re deciding whether to rent Bambi or Beaches. Lucifer looks my way and claps his hands.

  “Wonderful speech. I couldn’t have done better myself. Well, actually I could have done much better, but that was a good first effort. What sort of changes are you planning?”

  “I don’t know. It was just something to say. First thing I’m going to do is haul that broken-down Bamboo House of Dolls in from the desert and rebuild it here. Maybe I’ll drop back down here every now and then and bartend. I’m making sure someone puts the roof back on Tartarus and let Semyazah toss Mason’s soul down there. He can have the whole place to himself.”

  Lucifer narrows his eyes.

  “You ruined the furnace.”

  “Tell Ruach if he wants to send down a plumber, we’ll welcome him or her or whatever else you have up there with open arms.”

  “You might not make a terrible Lucifer after all,” says Lucifer.

  “How’s the bleeding?”

  God bodyslammed Lucifer out of Heaven with a thunderbolt during their war and his wounds have never healed. He’s been hiding the open, bleeding wound from other Hellions for how long? Thousands of years? A million? The linen bandages are still there when Lucifer opens his shirt, but just a few drops of blood have soaked through.

  He says, “Healing nicely. The climate up north is excellent for the health. You should come visit sometime.”

  “Don’t get too cozy up there. I was more than happy to put Mason in the ground, but I told you before that I’m just a temp. The gig is done. Hell is yours.”

  Lucifer loops his arm through my Kissi arm and walks me to a window.

  “You still don’t grasp the situation. I’m not Lucifer anymore. I’m Samael, and Samael is a creature of Heaven just like Lucifer is the lord of Hell. As of tonight, you are the new Lucifer.”

  “Fuck that,” I say, backing off. “I quit. I abdicate. I’m impeaching myself. No way am I staying down here a second longer than I have to.”

  “Actually, I think you are and it’s not my doing,” says Samael.

  He looks at Alice.

  “Are you ready to go home, my dear?”

  “No,” she says. “If Jim is staying, then I’m staying, too.”

  “Yeah, except I’m not staying. Get it?”

  “I’m afraid you are,” says the angel. “I’m holding on to the key for safekeeping. With all due respect, you aren’t to be trusted with it.”

  “We both have to go back so Allegra can put us back together.”

  “I’m going back alone. You go ahead and make changes here. I’m going to make some changes up above.”

  “You’re fucking ditching me?”

  The angel walks to a shadow on the wall.

  “I could give you a million reasons, but the simple truth is that I’m sick of you, your moods, your anger, and your hangovers. And the way you kept me chained in the backyard like a bad dog. I’ll go back to earth and pick up where you left off.”

  “You don’t have any scars. And you’re too young. Everyone will know you’re not me.”

  He smiles and points a finger.

  “But will anyone care? I might not be as colorful as you, but I’m much less likely to get everyone around me killed. That goes a long way toward making friends.”

  He steps into the shadow.

  “Wait! Come back. I promise I won’t try to stop you.”

  The angel steps back in but doesn’t move from the shadow.

  “You need to take some things with you. Take Kasabian a crate of Maledictions. And have one of the soldiers bring you a hellhound. I figure there has to be a Sub Rosa engineer or charm maker who can modify the mechanics so it can move upright, more like a person. Kasabian can go where the brain went. Voilà. He has a body.”

  The angel sighs and squints at me.

  “Is there anything else? Maybe I can get Bob Geldof to do a benefit to help you rebuild the place.”

  “That would be awesome, but in the meantime . . .” I take out my black blade. The angel flinches, but takes it when I hand it to him butt first. “Give this to Candy and tell her to keep it safe for me. Tell her I’m coming back for it soon.”

  The angel slips the knife into his waistband.

  “I’ll get your cigarettes and your dog, but I’m not coming back here.”

  “You’re really going to hate L.A., Clarence.”

  As he goes I yell, “And tell Muninn to send care packages! He owes me that.”

  Lucifer looks around and says, “I think that’s my cue to go. I’ll stop by from time to time to see how you’re faring. And, Alice, if you ever change your mind and want to come home, just whistle. I’ll be here in a flash.”

  “Thank you,” she says.

  “No,” I say. “I’m changing your mind for you. Go home. I know this place and I’m the boss now. I’ll be fine.”

  “I can’t leave you here alone.”

  “You know what’s worse than me being alone? It’s you hanging around out of guilt or obligation or something. I came down here to free you so you can go back where you’re supposed to be. So please do it.”

  She looks between Lucifer and me. Samael, I mean. I’m Lucifer. That’s going to take some getting used to.

  “I don’t know.”

  “You made it Upstairs and that’s where you belong. I’m where I belong.”

  She crosses her arms.

  “How do I know this isn’t you conning me? Trying to be all noble. I don’t need you noble.”

  She takes a step toward me. I take one back.

  I say, “You don’t need me at all. Remember that last dream? All those times we talked. They were more than dreams, weren’t they?”

  “Yes. I didn’t plan them. They seemed to happen when I slept too. Upstairs they told me it wasn’t all that uncommon for people who died in a violent and unsettled state. You’re still tied to a person or place like a ghost. Those dreams were me kind of haunting you.”

  “That’s funny. It always felt like I was calling you.”

  “Maybe it was fifty-fifty.”

  “I’m just glad it wasn’t all me. I felt pretty pathetic when I thought it was.”

  I pick up a rag from the workbench and wipe Mason’s blood off the armor. She doesn’t need that to be her last image of me.

  I say, “But that last dream was different, wasn’t it?”

  “Yeah.”

  “We both knew it, but you were the one with balls enough to say it. It’s time to let go.”

  “We can’t go on haunting each other forever. Actually we could, but what kind of life is that?”

  I toss the rag on the bench and walk over to her.

  “You really like your friend, Candy?” she asks.

  “I really do.”

  “Is she going to wait for you?”

  I shrug.

  “Who knows? I’ll wait for her and the rest will go however it goes.”

  “What happens now? We just say so long and never see each other again?”

  “No.”

  I want to talk but my jaw doesn’t want to move. I have to concentrate to get the words out.

  “I’ve been ducking something ever since I first got out of here. I didn’t think I could stand to hear it but things will never be right between us unless I say it.”

  My Kissi arm throbs. I rub it but the pain doesn’t let up.

  “How did you die? How did Parker kill you?”

  She starts to say something, shakes her head and starts again.

  “All this time I thought you knew.”

  She looks at me.

  “Parker didn’t kill me. I did. Parker broke i
nto the apartment, cuffed me, and dragged me to a crack head motel on Sunset.”

  “The Orange Grove Bungalows? The magic Circle used to rent the rooms for rituals sometimes.” The Grove is also where I killed Parker back on New Year’s Eve. There’s a kind of funny symmetry in that that was probably lost on him.

  “That’s the place. Parker called Mason when we got to the room so I knew this wasn’t his idea. I asked Parker what was going on and he laughed and said Mason had plans. He was going to do to me what he did to you but he didn’t say what that was. Before then, he said, we were going to have some fun together. All there was in that shitty little bungalow was a bed and a filthy bathroom so I had a pretty good idea of what he had in mind.”

  My throat is closing up. I can’t stand this. I need to make her stop but I don’t. I let her keep talking.

  “He took off his jacket, pushed me down on the bed, and climbed on top. I didn’t even fight him. He was twice my size. He had a gun. And he was Sub Rosa so he could use magic.”

  She smiles to herself.

  “Parker was never the brightest penny, remember? When he climbed on I held on to his shoulders like I was getting off on the scene. The horny asshole must have thought Mason was going to take a bus or something. He was shocked as hell when Mason magicked himself into the room. Parker didn’t get more than two minutes of fun. When Mason got there, let me tell you, he wasn’t laughing when he saw what was happening. He got hold of Parker with a ghost hand spell, lifted him off the bed without touching him and bounced him off the walls like he was playing air hockey, yelling the whole time about damaged goods. Neither of them noticed that I’d gotten the gun out of Parker’s shoulder holster while he was on top of me.

  “When he was done with Parker, Mason did another spell and a hole opened in the floor of the room. I couldn’t see where it went but I knew damn well I didn’t want to go down there. So I shot him.”

  She cocks her head for a second.

  “I shot at him. But I missed. He looked at the hole and he looked at me and I knew what was coming next. Before he could grab me with the ghost hand I put the gun under my chin and pulled the trigger.”

  The pain in the new arm won’t stop and my vision is getting tunneled. It could be a stroke but I know it’s just my brain trying to crawl out of my body and away from the sound of Alice’s voice.

  “You can stop there,” I say. “I get the picture.”

  “For the record, shooting myself wasn’t my first choice. I thought of you when I did it. I thought, ‘What would Jim do if he was here and he knew he couldn’t beat the other guy and something horrible was going to happen when he lost?’ And it came to me. Mason might have won the fight, but that didn’t mean he got to keep the prize. I took it away from him and all he could do was stand there and watch me pull the trigger. Mason didn’t win. I did. And it was because of you.”

  Because of me. It’s because of me she was in that room at all. There’s nothing I could have done about it then and there’s nothing I can do about it now and that’s what I have to live with. Maybe that right there is the definition of life. Being alive is learning how to live with the intolerable. I’ll be explaining that to Parker soon enough. I’ll send a search party for his soul and teach him all about the intolerable.

  I look at Samael.

  “How is it she went Upstairs instead of down here? I thought suicide was a sure ticket on the coal cart.”

  “Usually, but under extreme circumstances the rules can become flexible. Especially for me.”

  Thanks, you pointy-tailed lunatic. Thanks a lot.

  “Now it’s my turn to say something I’ve been avoiding,” says Alice. “You asked me before if we got together because the Inquisition wanted me to spy on you. The answer is yes. And that’s why I came to you.”

  “That’s what I thought. But it’s old news. I don’t care anymore.”

  She puts her hands over her mouth. There’s a moment of silence.

  “Medea Bava told me about how dangerous you were and how you were going to expose the Sub Rosa to the whole civilian world and get us killed. I was afraid for my family.”

  “Makes sense.”

  She blinks. Half smiles.

  “When I got to know you I knew Medea was half right. You were dangerous and I liked it. By then I didn’t care about the rest.”

  “It’s okay. I believe you.”

  “Really?”

  I nod.

  “That’s why it’s okay. Whatever Bava says we were to each other we know different and that’s all that matters.”

  “Thank you.”

  “Hell. Thank Medea for getting us together. I owe the old witch a candygram.”

  She looks at Samael.

  “You’ll look after him, right?”

  “For you, dear, of course.”

  “That’s sweet, Sam,” I say. “You’re getting as sentimental as the angel.”

  He gives me a look that’s a lot more like the Infernal prince than I’ll ever be.

  “Because I am an angel. And you’re the Scarecrow. A charming fellow. Now, if you only had a brain.”

  “I wonder if they still get cable down here? I’m going to have to check that.”

  Samael looks at Alice.

  “See? He’s already tackling the big issues. I think we should leave him to it.”

  I sit in Mason’s desk chair.

  “I really have no fucking idea what I’m supposed to do. The angel was the smart one.”

  “Try reading a book. There’s a library one floor down. Try reading up on how some of the smarter Greek kings did it.”

  “None of them are audiobooks, are they?”

  “I’m afraid not.”

  “Damn.”

  “Good-bye, Jim,” says Alice.

  “That’s ‘Lucifer’ to you, girlie.”

  She smiles a crooked smile.

  “See you around, you devil.”

  I blow her a kiss.

  They’re gone. And I’m alone in Hell again.

  That’s not a bad title for a song. Maybe I’ll look up Hank Williams tomorrow.

  They’re gone maybe thirty seconds when someone calls my name from the balcony. I pick up Mason’s black blade and go outside.

  It’s Josef. He looks like he went in through a meat grinder and got hit by a truck on the way out.

  He whispers in a broken, damaged voice, “You betrayed us.”

  “All I did was betray a betrayer, so if you’re here for an apology, you can kiss my ass on the way out.”

  “I never betrayed you.”

  “Really? The thing with the wanted posters kept bugging me. Jack couldn’t have made it back in time. Mason was still into his war plans, so he wouldn’t have made the posters unless he knew I was going to Eleusis. That’s where you come in. You knew that’s where I was going.”

  “What about your so-called friends? The chattering head. Or the disgraced priest. He’s consorted with darker souls than yours.”

  “Maybe. What turned it for me was when I called you to Mason’s office. You already knew the layout. You knew Mason had strung up Jack. You’d been in Mason’s office before. It’s where you told him everything I was going to do.”

  Josef shuffles away, leaving bloody footprints behind.

  I say, “If it makes you feel any better, you didn’t disappoint me. I never trusted you.”

  “Then why call us back from the void?”

  “Hey, I was improvising most of the time. But you were my ace in the hole. I knew you couldn’t beat Hell or Heaven on your own. But if I couldn’t stop the war, I figured I could put you together with whatever side I decided should win.”

  “But instead you murdered us.”

  “The only reason you haven’t killed off humanity is that we’re your food, and then where would you be?”

  His swollen eyes widen. Kissi are so ugly that it’s usually hard to tell if one’s been hurt or not. But not tonight.

  “So genocide is the f
irst order of business for the new Lucifer. What a fine start to your reign.”

  “It’s not genocide. You’re left.”

  Josef climbs onto the balcony railing.

  “This isn’t over. If I have to come for you alone, I will.”

  “No you won’t.”

  I throw my knife. It goes into Josef’s throat and out through his spine. He falls backward off the balcony.

  And I was this close to letting him go because I did kind of fuck him over and he was so beat up and pathetic I felt sorry for him. But I let my guard down with Jack and he stole my face. I trusted Mason and he dragged me to Hell. Even Lucifer used me so he could go home. As of today, this is an official zero slack zone for the true monsters.

  I wander back to a window and look out over my weird Convergence kingdom. It isn’t Hell and it isn’t L.A., but I’ve been to Fresno, so I’ve seen worse. I take the Singularity from my pocket and watch the black and white pinheads spin around each other.

  I survived the arena and Mason down here, and I survived Wells, Aelita, and the Golden Vigil up there. I still have two legs, two eyes, an arm, and something pretty close to an arm. I’m back in Pandemonium, so I bet Kasabian can see me. Maybe I’ll learn semaphore Morse code so I can send messages to Candy. And I wouldn’t mind killing Aelita. She goes right at the top of my Infernal to-do list. Yeah. This might not be so bad.

  You think I can’t cut it down here anymore? I grew up in L.A. and lived to tell the tale. Hell is just L.A. with lousy head shots. We’re balls-deep in the shit Downtown, but we know it and admit it. Someday I’ll get back home, and when I do I’m going to find an angel with my face and kick his bony ass from Roscoe’s Chicken and Waffles to the Pearly Gates and back. They might call me Lucifer these days, but I’m just a part-time devil, so don’t count me out. And don’t use up all the whiskey and cigarettes. I’ll be back.

  Acknowledgments

  MANY THANKS TO Ginger Clark, Diana Gill, Holly Frederick, Sarah LaPolla, Nicola Ginzler, Suzanne Stefanac, Paul Goat Allen, Pat Murphy, Pamela Spengler-Jaffee, Jessie Edwards, Will Hinton, and Carol Schneck.