by Gary Paulsen
DEVON
ROCK AND ROLL! (DEVON suddenly starts snapping fingers and head-bobbing, twirling in a funky shuffle-slide across the floor, head back, complete abandon.)
(AVERY squeaks and jumps in surprise at DEVON’S unexpected bellow.)
JORDAN
Thanks, Dev, way to add to the tranquil atmosphere.
(DEVON can’t hear JORDAN but fist-pumps and dances in circles as if to agree.)
REGAN
Hey, I know. Let’s take our minds off being trapped in the bathroom. Taylor, put the book down and come over here. Wanna be like King Tut? (starts wrapping Taylor in toilet paper like a mummy. REGAN tosses AVERY a roll.) Here. Make a mummy cat. The ancient Egyptians used to bury their pets with them, so it’s historically valid, plus you’ll feel better with something to do.
(MASON and JORDAN start tossing toilet paper rolls at each other, like two-person juggling, keeping three in the air at all times. AVERY’s wrapping the cat in toilet paper and starting to smile, breathing has regulated.)
AVERY
Thanks. I do feel a little better.
MASON
Sure you do. Always good to keep your hands busy. Takes your mind off your worries.
JORDAN
So does talking. Let’s play “would you rather?”! Mason, would you rather have a job cleaning up after a kangaroo with loose bowels or live in a sweaty giant’s work boots?
MASON
I would rather not play “would you rather.” Regan, poke an airhole in the toilet paper so Taylor can breathe. I’m pretty sure someone like Taylor doesn’t have any brain cells to spare.
JORDAN
Okay, then, how about “guess who it is by the smell of their armpits”?
REGAN
No fair, I just ran laps before the weather got bad. I stink like fetid death.
JORDAN
(sniffing) Good point. How about “truth or dare?” Truth: What’s the most embarrassing thing you’ve ever done?
AVERY
Brought a stuffed cat to school on my first day.
MASON
Well, since you mentioned it: What’s the deal?
AVERY
Oh, uh, well, my, uh, my little brother must have, uh, hidden it in my bag this morning. Just snuck it right in there without me even noticing. Because I was worried about the new school.
REGAN
That was thoughtful. Has it helped?
AVERY
If you consider sleeping through the whole day helping, then, yeah, huge assist.
JORDAN
Again, since you brought it up, why’d you sleep all day?
AVERY
I only meant to nap through science. They were dissecting fetal pigs.
REGAN
Squeamish?
AVERY
No. Vegan. I’m not down with animal rights violation. I don’t ingest, wear, or partake in the use of animals. (lifts foot) Even my shoes are made of canvas and hemp and contain no animal products, by-products, or derivatives.
JORDAN
Why?
AVERY
Because well-planned vegan diets have been found to offer protection against many degenerative conditions, including heart disease.
JORDAN
And that’s a legitimate concern for a kid in middle school?
AVERY
My parents have heard of weirder things happening.
TAYLOR
(from behind a mask of toilet paper): Mmmumph gurrrrble dunderschmickzen.
MASON
Yeah, what Taylor said: How did “science class” become “all day long?”
AVERY
Once you’ve gone to sleep at school and missed a class or two—or five—it’s kind of hard to find the correct reentry point. Every time I woke up, I worried about calling attention to myself by showing up late to class. So I just rolled over and went back to sleep.
JORDAN
Timing is everything. A good entrance is essential when you’re attempting to make a strong first impression. I’m feelin’ you.
AVERY
Devon’s lying down on the floor again. Another acoustic set?
JORDAN, REGAN, and MASON
(as one): Intermission.
AVERY
Sure, I should have guessed. (Devon leaps up, starts playing again; Avery, sounding like an announcer:) Annnnnnnnnnnnnd welcome to the second half of the show.
SOUND CUE #3: LOUDSPEAKER ANNOUNCEMENT: Occasional gusts of wind are moving west at nearly three miles per hour. They pose no immediate threat to this area. In the interest of the safety of the population of this school, however, please remain where you are. Until we are assured that all danger has passed, do not emerge from your safe location in an interior room, away from windows and flying objects.
(Everyone, except TAYLOR, who is still wrapped in toilet paper, picks up the nearest roll of toilet paper and hurls it at TAYLOR.)
JORDAN
I’m sure they meant dangerous flying objects.
TAYLOR
(ripping the toilet paper away from face and taking a deep breath): What stinks in here?
REGAN
Probably me. I repeat: Just came off the track after running laps.
JORDAN
It might be that we’re in a restroom and you don’t actually smell anything so much as the environment is highly suggestive to the existence of a malodorous scent.
TAYLOR
(looks confused): Hunh?
MASON
Jordy means you’re imagining things, Taylor. I don’t smell anything (takes deep breath for emphasis). Oh, wait, scratch that: I do smell something funky.
(Everyone sniffs. Looks at each other suspiciously. Edges away from the stalls. TAYLOR peers in trash can.)
JORDAN
It’s puke.
TAYLOR
Nah, it’s toe jam.
REGAN
Nope. Limburger cheese.
MASON
You’re all wrong: it’s goat pee and used cat litter and fresh skunk and rotten chicken.
AVERY
(looks around, does a double-take, and tentatively sniffs the mummy cat. He looks embarrassed and shoves the cat back in the duffel bag): Uh, actually it’s the stuffed cat.
TAYLOR
Your stuffed cat?
MASON
No, Taylor, the stuffed cat that the builders put in the air vents for good luck and to drive away bad spirits. How many stuffed cats do you imagine we’re dealing with here? Today? In this restroom?
TAYLOR
Is that a trick question? Like that Venn diagram thingie you tried to show me? Are there somehow three cats in circles and there’s an overlap of the stinky and the non-stinky and the possibly stinky cats I’m supposed to figure out?
JORDAN
One cat, Tay.
TAYLOR
I knew it! I was right! I’m not always wrong, no matter what Mason says.
REGAN
Why does your cat stink like death, Avery?
AVERY
It’s not my cat; it’s my brother’s cat, he’s only four. Four-year-olds have stuffed cats. It’s perfectly normal. For a four-year-old. But I have no idea why it reeks like this. It doesn’t normally smell like vomit.
JORDAN
Apparently, confined spaces combined with the warmth of your head resting on the bag all day adversely altered the chemical compound of whatever the stuffed cat was originally stuffed with, turning it into a rancid stink bomb. There are some extra credit science points in there somewhere if you figure out the hows and the whys of the mystery stench. I’m just saying—you might need some bonus projects to submit, seeing as how you cut class today.
(DEVON switches from air guitar to a combination of air drums and air piano, twisting back in forth slamming the drum heads and pounding the keyboards. DEVON holds up both hands, ring and middle fingers tucked under the thumbs, index and small fingers up in the rock-and-roll sign, twirling in circles and head-banging to a beat
no one else can hear. Everyone’s head starts nodding in time. Eventually, DEVON moves away from the keyboard and drum kit and starts playing the guitar again, solo over.)
JORDAN
Don’t take this the wrong way, but does anyone ever wonder if there’s something not quite right with Devon?
REGAN
You mean because of the way Dev doesn’t seem to live in the same world as the rest of us?
JORDAN
(nods): I love Dev—what’s not to love about Dev, right?—and it’s not like Devon hasn’t been like this since kindergarten and we’ve all gotten used to things but, you know, looking at the situation with fresh eyes, a person starts to wonder.
MASON
What I wonder is why Devon’s even at school this late anyway. Taylor and I were in the library, studying; Regan was at practice and Jordy was in detention because that’s where Regan and Jordan always are; and Avery was asleep—but does anyone know why Devon was still roaming the halls playing guitar so long after school was dismissed?
TAYLOR
Devon missed the bus. And I don’t mean just today. (looks at Mason and smirks) It’s a metaphor.
MASON
Spell it. And if you use an F, I’ll throw my shoe at you.
REGAN
It doesn’t take a third-year psych student to figure out Dev’s the teeniest, tiniest bit touched in the head, as my great-aunt Blanche would say.
AVERY
We haven’t actually spoken—Devon can hold a conversation, right? (everyone shrugs) But I get the feeling Devon’s a good person. I like people who are different.
JORDAN
Then you are in the right middle school restroom with the right five people. Because, not to brag or anything, but you could not have set out to gather together a group of people who are more unhinged than us.
REGAN
Speak for yourself. I am the very definition of the clean-cut all-American scholar-athlete young citizen role model. The fact that I am wickedly good-looking and heart-meltingly charming is a happy bonus.
MASON
(to AVERY): Regan took more than one person’s share while standing in the self-confidence line. (REGAN nods, tries to look humble; MASON continues): My only problem is that I might be too smart to fit in with my peers.
TAYLOR
Mason took more than one person’s share while standing in the ego line. (turning to MASON) And you spell that C-O-N-C—E I-before-E-except-after-C T-E-D. (MASON applauds) The only problem I have is a low tolerance for goofballs. Which, if you ask me, is pretty much everyone in this school.
AVERY
None of you are anything like the kids from my last school.
JORDAN
What was that like?
AVERY
It wasn’t a school so much as a—now don’t overreact to the word—but commune.
JORDAN
You’re going to have to do some explaining.
AVERY
Commune might be the wrong word. (pauses) A bunch of parents and their kids lived together as one big family, raising a garden for food and sharing all the responsibilities.
JORDAN
Commune is the exact right word.
AVERY
We only lived there for a few months. Just to see what it was like. My folks like to try new things.
MASON
Have you tried out any other alternative lifestyles we should know about? Other than that vegan thing you talked about before?
TAYLOR
Like living in a tree house, maybe doing without electricity or prime numbers?
MASON
Taylor, I’m impressed. I don’t believe you can actually name a prime number, but big props for knowing the phrase. We’ll circle back to that concept later. (MASON and TAYLOR high-five)
REGAN
I could totally live off the land if I had to live in a commune. Hunting, fishing, building shelter.
JORDAN
You could not. You were worried about starving to death during a storm emergency.
REGAN
That’s because I was surprised and didn’t have time to get all my gear together. Under normal circumstances, I’m known for my preparedness. Gotta be on top of things when you’re in as many activities as I am.
JORDAN
I can’t believe we haven’t voted you CEO of the school yet.
REGAN
Me too! CEO, COO, CFO, and whatever other C-Os there are. I am the personification of school spirit in this building.
JORDAN
That’s the kind of thing you generally let other people say; announcing it just makes you come off even more obnoxious than you already are.
REGAN
I know. But I don’t let things like that get me down. I’m awesome that way. I am the most perfectly well-adjusted person you’ll ever meet. Probably because I’m in a ton of activities and have more friends than anyone else.
JORDAN
You say that like they’re good things.
REGAN
I say that like it’s the secret to life. Which, by the way, it is.
MASON
I think you’re wrong, Regan, the secret to life is good grades and enrichment classes and advanced placement and extra credit. For a person like me. But, Jordan, if I were you, I’d listen to what Regan has to say.
REGAN
Thanks, Mason, we’ll get back to you in a second. But first, semirhetorical question: Anyone notice that Jordan gets nosebleeds a lot?
JORDAN
(defensive, gingerly touching nose): Yeah? So what.
REGAN
I read that bloody noses can be a side effect of nerves.
JORDAN
I’m the least nervous person you’ll ever meet, Regan. I’m an extrovert, in case you hadn’t noticed. Class clown. Most likely to make people pee from laughing at my jokes.
REGAN
You refused to try out for the school play when I asked you to keep me company at auditions.
JORDAN
I found the play selection derivative and trite.
REGAN
You had a completely bogus excuse for why you couldn’t be my partner on the debate team.
JORDAN
What’s bogus about the fact that it was a Thursday of a full moon week and my horoscope warned me to avoid oral conflict?
REGAN
You said you didn’t have time to devote to being in the big buddy program with me at the elementary school.
JORDAN
That would have entailed afternoon meetings and, as you know, I’ve got a standing date with the detention hall.
REGAN
You’ve never tried out for a single team, even though I always invite you to go out for basketball, tennis, track, soccer, lacrosse, and golf when I’m being evaluated for the teams.
JORDAN
What’s your point?
REGAN
My point is that I think you might be insecure.
JORDAN
(snorts): I’m just not into calling attention to myself. Unlike Devon. (DEVON is now leading a clap-along, arms overhead, clapping to a steady beat, as if rousing the crowd to get to their feet and join in)
REGAN
Devon commits to the moment.
JORDAN
Yeah, too bad Devon doesn’t commit to reality. (winces, slaps forehead and shakes head in disgust. Everyone nods understandingly.)
REGAN
If I were to bet, I’d say that you secretly wish you were more like Devon. Go on, stand there and look me in the eye and tell me you don’t dream of becoming a stand-up comedian. I’d put money on the fact that you practice one-liners in the bathroom mirror and take notes so you’ll have funny things to say in conversations, don’t you?
(JORDAN shifts uncomfortably, can’t think of anything to say.)
AVERY
I think Regan makes a good point about you and Devon: One of you is living the dream; the other one has detention all the time and a lot of
bloody noses. (They turn and study DEVON who is rocking the neck of the guitar up and down, arching back as if in a backbend and then leaning forward in a crouch and prowling across the stage, bent over, knees bent, totally blissed out.)
JORDAN
(sighs and throws up hands in defeat): Okay, you got me. Clearly, we should all be more like Devon and Regan.
REGAN
(hands JORDAN a piece of paper): Here. You can get over your fear of speaking doing a set at the fundraiser next week. You’ll tell jokes for a good cause and overcome your performance anxiety by playing to a crowd bigger than one.
JORDAN
(signs paper and hands it back): So, I’m going to join at least one of Regan’s extracurricular activities. Good thing it’s the one that plays to my skill set: I’ll be able to wander around telling random jokes, maybe even doing a few improv skits. (wheels around as if facing a live audience and points): “You! Come up here on the stage next to me. An escaped convict, the grease trap of an Atlantic City casino’s kitchen stovetop, and a misunderstanding about a blind date. Now improvise a scene with me using those ideas and . . . GO!”
AVERY
I actually think that sounds kind of amazing. I’ll sign up and get involved if you will—probably easier if we have each other’s backs. I’ll be less likely to doze through another school day if I know someone’s got my back around here.
JORDAN
You don’t have a little brother, do you?
AVERY
No.
JORDAN
The stuffed cat belongs to you, doesn’t it?
AVERY
Yeah. But not the puke smell. I don’t know where that came from.
REGAN
