The Willingness to Burn

by J. P. London

“So what do you need from me.?”

  “Unfortunately, it comes with great expense.”

  “Money doesn’t matter,” Jace snapped back quickly. “I have access to billions.”

  “I know, it’s not the money that concerns me,” Ethan paused. “This is the expense part we talked about.”

  Ethan stared at Jace letting the full weight of his words sink in.

  “We will need living healthy tissue for the procedure. We will save what we can, but after reviewing your wife’s records, it won’t be much.”

  “I know.”

  “So, to answer your question. It will cost millions of dollars, I will need a lab, supplies, equipment, and a full medical team, that will need to be very well paid to ensure compliance and secrecy.”

  Jace nodded.

  “Now I need you to answer my question.”

  Jace raised an eyebrow.

  “Was what you said to Raymond true? Can you bare the expense?”

  Chapter 41

  Anna

  I stayed with Jace that night. We stayed up all night just talking. He told me all about his wife and their relationship. It was weird to think, but part of me was jealous and part of me was really hopeful. Jealous because he felt that way about someone else. He loved someone else in a way that I didn’t know if he would ever love me. But hopeful at the same degree, because I knew that he was capable of it. That undying love that I’d only ever read about. I knew that he had that potential, and that I would soon share that with him. I feel like that brought us closer. And that the bond that we had was so much stronger than it was before.

  I might have been home for five minutes when I heard my phone buzzing on the coffee table. I walked over to it hoping to be a message from Jace, but it was a call from Brian. I was instantly filled with dread and anger. He was the one who pushed me on it. He was the one who kept saying that Jace was hiding something. He really needs to back off me and get a life.

  “Hello?” I said with an agitated tone.

  “Hey!” Brian said, all upbeat, expecting to hear some bad news.

  “Hey…”

  “So how’s the wife?”

  His victorious tone really pissed me off. It was like all at once I got confirmation that he had been trying to sabotage this for me. And now that I think about it he’s probably tried to sabotage all of my relationships.

  “She’s dead.”

  “Wait, what?”

  “Yeah, she’s fucking dead. And I just confronted a widower about the most painful thing he’s ever had to experience.”

  “Well, damn …”

  “Yeah that’s right, damn, so now I look like a total asshole because I took the advice of an even bigger asshole!” I screamed into the phone.

  “Wait.”

  “No, I won’t wait. Why are you always trying to ruin things for me?”

  “Woah, hold on, I’m not trying to …”

  I cut him off before he could finish. “Yes, you are! You always do this!”

  “Do what?”

  “You always try to find out what’s wrong with the guys I’m dating. Why can’t you just be happy for me?”

  “I don’t try to sabotage things for you,” Brian pleaded.

  “Oh, no?” It sounded like he was going to say something, but I cut him off again. “You put the idea in my head that he had a wife and a family this whole time.”

  “No, I didn’t, you said that you saw wedding pictures. It seems pretty realistic that …”

  “Oh, please, you sat here and conspired and pushed me to this!”

  “Hold on.”

  “And you did the same thing with Will and Chris. Every time I start dating someone that I really like you go out of your way to ruin it”

  “Will was an asshole, and Chris was dating someone else.”

  “So what! We were never official! And you pushed me to fight with him!”

  “Why would I do that?”

  “So that you can have me all to yourself.”

  He didn’t say anything, and his silence practically proved that I was right and that was exactly what he was doing.

  “I need to make something very clear. I do not like you. I will never like you. I will never date you. That one time we hooked up was a mistake and you need to get over it.”

  “Woah, take it easy.”

  “No! I’m done taking it easy. It was a mistake that we hooked up and is a mistake that we still talk.”

  “Wow … You really feel that way?”

  “Yes.”

  “Well, then I guess there’s not much I can say.” His tone trailed off. He seemed really hurt, but I was adamant in my stance.

  “It’s better if we don’t say anything at all.”

  “Okay then.”

  “Look, I’ll always value the friendship that we had, but you need to move on and stop meddling in my life.”

  “Okay.” I could hear the words choking as he tried to spit them out.

  “I don’t think we should talk anymore.”

  “Wait.”

  “Wait for what?”

  “This is just …”

  “Just …”

  “I don’t know, this is so out of left field.”

  “This has been a long time coming. Good luck with everything.”

  He was quiet, and after a moment ,was just barely able to spit out, “You too.”

  Then I hung up the phone. I’d never yelled at him like that, and although I felt a little bit of remorse, I felt anger more than anything. Who knows, Jace might be the guy I’ve waited for me entire life and that son-of-a-bitch tried to wreck our chances together, as if a relationship isn’t hard enough without added bullshit.

  Chapter 42

  Jace knocked on the door to Dexter’s office and then pushed it open. Dexter was writing something on a notepad when he looked up and saw Jace.

  “Hey, what’s going on?”

  “Hey, Dex.”

  Dexter stood up. “You look good, man, finally got a haircut?”

  “Yeah, I started taking yoga classes too.”

  “Yeah, our investigator mentioned that he was looking into yoga instructors for you.”

  “Well I wanted to make sure I found a good one.”

  “That’s why you needed pictures and their cup sizes?” Dexter asked, as a smile grew across his face.

  “Well, you know me.” Jace grinned. “I like to be thorough.”

  Dexter laughed. “Uh huh. So, the yoga, it’s been helping?”

  “Ehh, it’s something to do, keeps me busy.”

  “Those multimillion dollar accounts not quite doing it for ya anymore?” Dexter grinned.

  Jace chuckled. “Gotta have something besides work, brotha.”

  “I gotcha.” Dexter leaned back on his desk. “Well, you look a hell of a lot better. What’s going on?” Dexter asked, knowing that Jace’s presence in his office was not just a social visit. Jace didn’t do much of those anymore, not since Maddy got sick.

  “I’m going to be taking a trip soon.”

  “Yeah? Anywhere nice?”

  “It’s, uhh. A trip for Maddy’s treatment.”

  “Oh.” Dexter bite his lip trying not to grimace. “How’s that going?”

  “Only time will tell.”

  Dexter nodded.

  “But you know her,” Jace said and smiled, although Dexter could see the sadness behind his eyes.

  “Yeah. If anyone is going to make it, it’s going to be her,” Deter said in support.

  “Yeah ...” Jace said, looking out the window, letting his thoughts wander.

  “When are you going?”

  “Huh?” Jace snapped back to reality.

  “The trip?”

  “Oh, yeah, anywhere from the next week to the next month.”

  “Okay, don’t worry, man, I can steer the ship while you’re gone.”

  “I know you can.” Jace smiled. “I’ll be available via phone and email, there may be a few weeks when I’m off the grid.
But I’ll make sure you’re good to go for that period.”

  “Okay cool. How long are you going for?”

  Jace shrugged. “I’m not sure, couple months.”

  “Couple months?” Dexter asked, the anxiety coming through in his tone.

  “Yeah, and you’re in charge while I’m gone, so don’t fuck it up,” Jace joked.

  “Yeah,” Dexter said, looking away, seemingly uneasy about the situation.

  “Don’t worry, man. It’s the same thing you’ve been doing. I just need you to be the figure head so all the new guys stay in line.”

  “You’re still going to direct the funds, right?”

  “Yeah, of course. I’m throwing some money into a biotech company before I leave.”

  “Nice? What do they do?”

  “They make money.” Jace grinned back at Dexter. That was all he needed to know. It was a bold statement of confidence and that was what the troops needed to keep matching, regardless of destination.

  “And that’s the answer we’re looking for.” Dexter smiled.

  “Exactly.”

  “Yeah, it’s just not gonna be the same here without you.”

  “I know, it has to be done, though. And I’m only a phone call away.”

  “Yeah, I know. Do what you gotta do, man. I’ll make sure were still afloat when you get back.”

  “We better fucking be,” Jace joked and stood up off the arm chair. He grabbed Dexter’s hand and pulled him in for a hug.

  “You take care of her now,” Dexter said quietly. His concern was evident in his tone. It was a purely sincere moment, not between boss and employee, but between friends.

  “I will.”

  *

  The cool breeze of fall ushered in the morbidity that only a season pronouncing the death of summer could. Evan walked briskly through the crowded New York city streets that busheled with activity. Evan pulled out his phone and glanced at the clock. It was 5:30, and the recent changing of the clocks brought with it the all too soon darkening hour. He turned the corner, and the busy streets opened up to a view of the park on his right side. To his left as he approached one of the few coffee houses that still had outdoor seating, he saw Jace sipping a beverage through a thick plastic cup. Jace was talking on the phone as he approached.

  “Is that the same one you sent me this morning?”

  Jace waved to Evan and motioned for him to sit down.

  “No, Ridgewood is perfect, and I need it fully furnished, dishes, food in the fridge, everything. Just back all of the expenses out of my end.”

  Evan pulled his chair out and sat down, looking out onto the park as the last glimmers of daylight fled the city.

  “Good. Just remember the other part of the agreement. Exactly. Talk soon.”

  “Hey,” Jace greeted Evan as he slipped his phone in his pocket.

  “Hey, what’s wrong? Couldn’t find a Dunkin Donuts?

  “Not one with outdoor seating.” Jace grinned.

  “Uh huh, busy as always?”

  “Oh, you know.”

  Jace offered a hand, and Evan accepted it, shaking his hand warmly. Something was obviously different about him that day.

  “So what’s going on, man, you look…”

  “Not like shit?” Jace chuckled.

  “Well, that wasn’t what I was going to say but … yeah, not like shit.”

  “It’s amazing what a haircut and shave will do for you.” Jace touched his hand to his scruffy face.

  “I think you missed a spot.”

  Jace smirked.

  Evan smiled, happy to finally see Jace in high spirits, or at least not in the throws of awful desperation.

  “How’s Lilly?”

  “She’s good. She’s worried about you.”

  “She’s sweet,” Jace responded. He seemed so disconnected from the world.

  Jace smiled warmly, and at that moment, Evan grew concerned. He thought back to a psychology class he took in college. A class that although wasn’t part of his major, fulfilled some credit requirements and had some interesting topics. When he picked the class, he thought that it might have some practical applications in his life, but it really hadn’t so far. And at that point, one of those practical applications came to mind. And as much as Evan remembered it, he wished he had not. From the recesses of his memory a single phrase chose to expose itself. “It’s been observed that suicidal people demonstrate profound clarity when they have made the decision to take their own lives.”

  “So what’s the news? What is going on with Maddy?” Evan asked, a concerned tremor coming in his voice.

  “The news is still the same. The doctor is telling us it’s not looking too good.”

  “I’m sorry to hear that.” Glancing down at Jace’s cup he remembered that alcohol is involved in more than 80% percent of suicide attempts.

  The waitress came out and smiled at Evan.

  “Hey, can I get you something?” she asked.

  “I’ll have what he’s having.” Evan smiled at her.

  “Sure thing.” She walked away and Evan’s gaze followed her searching for a bar inside but he wasn’t able to see anything.

  “She’s cute, huh?” Jace asked. He must have noticed Evan’s gaze follow her. And of course he would. He made a career of recognizing people’s subconscious agendas. It would only make sense that he could see into his own brother’s mind.

  Evan shrugged. “She’s not bad.”

  “Careful there, married man.”

  “Hey, even a married man can look.”

  “Now you sound like me.”

  Evan laughed.

  “So. It looks like were going away for a while.”

  “We?”

  “Yeah, me and Maddy.”

  “Is she…” Evan trailed off. The questions forming in his mind didn’t appear to be appropriate for the time, especially given his concerns.

  “Okay to travel?” Jace said finishing Evan’s unsteady words.

  Evan nodded.

  “Normally, no, but that’s why God invented private planes.” Jace chuckled.

  Evan smirked.

  “I see …”

  “Yeah, we found someone who has this experimental procedure that might help.”

  “Really?”

  “Yeah, it’s not … traditional, but traditional hasn’t really been working out so well for us, so why the hell not, right?”

  Evan nodded.

  “And you have to leave for it?”

  “Yeah. We’re going to go down to the house in Costa Rica.”

  “Oh, okay.”

  “Yeah, I figure even if …” Jace stopped, he appeared to struggle with the words. The waitress gave him what appeared to be a needed reprieve when she arrived with Evan’s drink.

  Evan quickly grabbed the cup and took a sip. It was hot, way too hot, and he burnt his tongue, but there was no taste of alcohol, which brought him a moment of relief followed by a mouth full of pain.

  Evan choked and gasped trying to get cold air in his mouth.

  “Careful, they put those sleeves on the cups for a reason, ya know?”

  Evan nodded. “Yeah, obviously.” Evan chuckled.

  “So yeah, it was her favorite place in the world, so I figure … It only makes sense.”

  Evan nodded. “Agreed.”

  “So when are you going?”

  “Not sure, it’s going to depend how she does and when everything’s ready. So probably sometime in the next month or two.”

  “Okay. Well, man, I’m glad to see you looking better. You had me worried before.”

  “It’s the not being able to do anything that really hurts. At least now I’m doing something.”

  “So it’s not … traditional?”

  Jace nodded.

  “Well, what the hell is it?”

  “Ehh, I don’t fully understand it and don’t want to talk about it. I’m kinda burnt out on it.”

  “Okay. Just don’t do anything crazy, ya know?”


  Jace laughed lightly. “Crazy is all a matter of perspective,” Jace said with absolute sincerity.

  Evan nodded. That phrase didn’t make him feel any better at all. “Just remember, you have people here who love you.”

  “I know. I appreciate that.”

  The two men sat for a moment not saying anything, watching the sky turn from blue to orange as the sun lowered down behind the buildings.

  “Did you tell Mom?”

  Jace smirked “Yeah, she told me not to miss Christmas.”

  Evan laughed. “She’s always good for that.”

  “Yeah. I told her I’d try, but no promises.”

  “How long are you going for?”

  “Honestly, until it is done. One way or another. So probably a couple of months. Not sure how long. It’s all going to depend on how it goes.”

  Evan nodded. “Best to stay positive,” Evan said, trying to encourage Jace.

  “You know, they keep telling me that.” Jace stared at Evan. It was hard to gauge his demeanor. It seemed like absolute resolve, yet not with the mortality that comes with such a claim. It made Evan uncomfortable.

  “So definitely no Christmas?” Evan joked.

  “You gotta do what you gotta do.”

  “Yeah, I know.”

  They sat in silence a moment.

  “C’mon, let’s take a walk. It’s way too nice to just sit here today.”

  “All right,” Evan said, smiling, and the two stood up.

  “And no more on this, let’s just talk about happy things.”

  Evan nodded sympathetically. Jace put some cash on the table underneath a menu and they left.

  Chapter 43

  Anna

  The next two weeks or so I went out of my way to be nice to him. Don’t get me wrong, I’m a nice person, but I made an extra special effort. Knowing everything that he went through I felt like he deserved it. And he was really good about not making me feel too bad about everything.

  After the initial conversation about me breaking his trust, I promised never to go through his stuff again and to always trust him. And he promised to trust me too. I’m not sure how sincere his promise was, but it was enough that he was willing to look past it and move on with me. I feel like every couple’s first fight really sets the stage for their relationship. And one thing I can say about our first fight, is that he was calm, he didn’t lash out, he didn’t scream. Nothing. I guess that when so many bad things have happened to you, you find a way to let things roll off your back. You either learn to move past misery, or it consumes you.