The Carrero Heart_The Journey_Arrick and Sophie

by L. T. Marshall

  ‘Hi, I’m Christian, Sophie’s told me about you being childhood besties, and I have to say I am an admirer of your fighting skills Arrick. I see you had another knockout victory two weeks back, against Tiger Marse.’ Christian lays on the straight guy act super thickly and I feel myself cringe inwardly, I hate when he plays the macho guy, it doesn’t suit him.

  Arrick regards his outstretched hand a moment; I really think he might just ignore it, he seems strangely torn before shaking it firmly, a little too firmly judging by Christian’s suddenly tensing body. I can’t help but note the way both have gone into guy mode, voices a tad huskier and mannerisms a little more rugged, like an alpha male tug of war, or some nonsense. I don’t get it at all, but Christian seems to be in the zone with his play pretend and pulls his hand back to his side.

  ‘Thanks. Nice to meet you Christian.’ Arrick goes to say more, but one of his friends calls on him; looking back with a frown. He turns back to us with an unreadable expression. There’s an awkward pause between the three of us as his eyes take me in quickly; I feel that gaze travel over me as though his hands skimmed me instead and every part of me tingled crazily. Standing in my floral dress and dainty flats and feeling completely vulnerable to him. I know I must look different to the last time he saw me. I have found a new girly style again, floaty short dresses and sweet shrugs, that is not so severe as the glamour chic that Camilla inspired; my hair is longer and softer in it’s grown out, back to light, bob and my makeup is more natural.

  ‘You look good Soph’s. You always were more beautiful as a blonde. I like this on you, the sweet girl look…. It’s more you.’ His eyes come to rest on my hair, a steady look that translates so much, yet so little, and it only deepens the heavy weight in my heart to an almost unbearable level.

  ‘Thanks. You too. I mean… You look good.’ I say shyly, looking down at my hands as the emotion in my throat builds up to choke me. The man nearby, the unfamiliar one, calls on Arrick again and this time Arry signals at him to wait another two minutes with a hand gesture. He turns back to me, all but ignoring Christian’s presence. Christian is being strangely silent for a guy who normally never shuts up.

  ‘I need to go Soph’s; Are you going to Leila’s party?’ Arrick is still rooted to the spot as if he has no intention of moving, but Christian is quick off the mark, sensing my growing inability to function the longer we stand here. I am literally getting quieter and more nervous, unsure how to talk to him as my throat closes on me. My body is starting to tremble subtly, and I am pretty sure I am losing the use of my legs. This extreme physical reaction only happens with him, and I hate that he still has this effect on me.

  ‘We sure will be, Won’t we sweetheart? Can‘t wait to meet Daniel, and of course, Leila; her parents have told me she is the family fireball.’ Christian squeezes my shoulders and I throw him a mild frown. I know what he is doing and I’m not sure I like it. Arrick looks away, again his cool unreadable facade back in place, that tiny muscle in his jaw making the tiniest of movements; a little Arrick tell that he’s not as unaffected as he likes to pretend. The master of indifference is back and even feeling this estranged from him, I can still sense some of his mood.

  ‘Guess I’ll see you both there then.’ Arrick smiles my way, eyes locking briefly and it’s like a thunder bolt to my heart; that perfect half smile that can crush souls with a tiny flash, but it doesn’t reach his eyes. He looks somehow deflated. I wonder if life with Natasha is back to what it once was, seeing as this is how he always used to seem with her. I guess the lack of my problematic self means he has everything back under control and boringly normal.

  Just how he wanted it, right?

  ‘Guess you will.’ I smile quickly, completely unnatural and look down, away from that gaze with a heavy sigh. It’s beyond me how one person can affect every single tiny part of you with the briefest of efforts.

  ‘I better go before they start kicking off and eating the tablecloths.’ He motions casually towards his two friends at a nearby table and I can only nod, my heart wrenching in two. Hating that he still makes me feel this way and wishing I hadn’t seen him again, but at the same time, wishing I was alone, wishing he hadn’t thought Christian was my boyfriend, and wishing he would have just given me an old Arrick hug, like the old days and wipe the slate clean. I can’t deny that seeing him has only emphasized how much I miss him, how much I would have him back, even just as friends, because this distance is worse than hell. Seeing him only reminds me of how much I still need him, and it hurts more than any pain I ever knew I could feel. I feel torn, knowing we should leave, but my feet don’t want to move. It’s like my brain desperately wants to cling to him in anyway it can, even if he did rip my heart out.

  God, I am so pathetic.

  ‘I suppose, bye, then.’ I answer softly; I let Christian tug me away, obviously realising that I can’t do it myself, throwing a casual wave and smile and acting like he owns me right now as Arrick watches me go. Throwing me one last look as our eyes connect, and for a mere second I swear I see a hint of raw unguarded emotion and a subtle sigh. Arrick looks hurt, maybe; his eyes lose focus on me, his brows dip for a moment as he frowns and seems to lose that façade momentarily. But then it’s gone, and I am being ushered out of the restaurant by Christian and into the afternoon sun and fresh air.

  ‘He’s far sexier in person. Damn, I would tap that ass if he played for my field.’ Christian cuts into my thoughts; imprinting Arrick’s voice and face to memory, whether I want to or not, placing a hand over his heart dramatically.

  ‘You better cut that out if you’re still trying to convince him I’m your bitch, Chris... You are looking decidedly camp right now.’ I throw him an eyebrow lift and he smiles cheekily. I don’t know whether I am scolding him or just light heartedly telling him off, I am so confused about how I should feel over Arry thinking Christian is my beau. I’m still reeling from seeing him and not sure how I should feel in general; I need to get away from the restaurant, so I can think.

  ‘You mad at me princess?’ He hauls me into his chest and wraps his arms around my head before planting a kiss on top of it. I struggle free, borderline suffocating and having my face squished into oblivion, aware of the fact they we are still in front of the huge windows of the eatery and Arrick can most likely still see us from wherever he is. I try not to make it obvious that I am untangling myself and pushing him off. Heaving breaths in and rubbing my poor face in the process.

  ‘Why let him think that you and I are together?’ I pout, feeling irritated, rubbing the bridge of my nose as he leans in and plants an apologetic kiss on the tip of it with a smile and a wink.

  ‘Because, my love, if that guy has any sense at all, then the green-eyed goddess we call jealousy will be poking his gorgeous pride right now. I could smell the regret swarming off him in droves when he caught sight of my sexy girl.’ Christian catches my hand and twirls me under his arm, almost colliding with people on the side walk who are innocently strolling by and setting me off balance. I can’t help but giggle and shove him playfully in the chest, caught in his arms as he rights me again.

  ‘You are a bad boy!’ I chide with a smile, losing my doubts and falling into Christian’s constant good mood. He’s eternally playful, sinfully naughty and yet somehow always seems to get away with it.

  ‘Oooh, say it again, I like it when you say it all sexy and pretend to be mad. If I was into girls then I would totally do you, when you call me that.’ Christian leans in and plants a kiss on my cheek, ruffling my hair and smacking my ass as he pushes me ahead of him to walk back to school. It is only two blocks away and the mild weather means it’s a pleasant walk, no cab required when it’s a perfect mild day like this afternoon is. Christian takes my arm in his, his expression dropping to become serious and he eyes me reflectively.

  ‘How was it though? Seeing him again, after so long?’ He squeezes my arm reassuringly.

  ‘Hard.’ I swallow down the weird lump that started with the sou
nd of his voice and grew when I laid eyes on him, heating my belly to crazy levels.

  ‘Much harder than I thought it would be……. I still love him.’ I say sadly, pushing it all back down behind that wall of indifference as hard as I can and almost succeeding. Christian frowns at me, dropping my arm and pulling me close with a consoling arm around my back, hugging me in like the best friend he is.

  ‘I know baby girl. It’s his loss.... He should have seen what was right in front of him and grabbed on with both hands, you are worth grabbing onto Sophie. You will find someone who adores the ground you walk on, and you’ll get over him one day, I promise.’ Christian nudges my shoulder with his, gives me a sympathetic half smile. He knows this story enough to know that I do not like talking about this, that I like to appear always in control and emotionally undamaged.

  My mask of strength.

  ‘I’ll hold you to that.’ I sigh dejectedly and carry on walking, looking ahead so I don’t have to see him studying my expression. My heart calming to its previous steady beat, although I can’t dislodge how good he looked from my mind’s eye, or how he sounded, how he smelt. Nothing about him has changed, and there isn’t anything about him that doesn’t get to me on every level, even now.

  ‘So, do I continue to be your sexy man at this thing?’ Christian eyes me seriously but I can only sigh and shake my head at him in defeat.

  ‘My parents would only be confused, they already met you and know that we are clearly not compatible that way. You told my mom about your man troubles, and I have never lied to him. Even if we no longer see each other. I don’t want dishonesty between us.’ I look away from his knowing eyebrow wiggle and that cheeky grin plastered across that handsome face.

  ‘You still have it so bad. You could have had fun with this and torture him a little.’ Christian giggles, but I only sigh sadly.

  ‘He chose Natasha; she may even be there, so I don’t see how your acting like my boyfriend, will make a difference.’ I look away to hide the fact my eyes are misting up with this topic, hating that even after three whole months, he still gets me upset. That her name still hurts me like being stabbed in the chest with a dull knife.

  ‘Well maybe you should ask Joey to go with us, that guy has been mooning over you for weeks and you won’t even go out for a coffee with him.’ Christian stops to face me on the sidewalk abruptly, hauling me to look at him with a devilish air to his tone. Joey is the guy who lives two doors along my hall, he has asked me out a dozen times, but I only ever found excuses to turn him down. He seems nice enough, tall and dark haired with grey - blue eyes. I would have seen no problem with dating him months back, but he isn’t Arrick, and my heart is struggling to get past that fact.

  ‘I’m not ready.’ I sigh, looking at my feet and admiring my pink flats with cute sequin details in a bid to distract my aching heart and wandering mind from tall handsome Carrero men.

  ‘I don’t think you will ever be ready, you just need to give him a chance. Grab a coffee, keep it casual. You have nothing to lose.’ Christian is in bossy mode, eyeing me up with his no-nonsense attitude. He has an idea in his head, and like a dog with a bone, he isn’t about to let it go.

  ‘I don’t know Chris.’ I pull him forward as a group of rowdy boys try to slide by on the sidewalk, one of them eyes Christian up with a double glance and blushes as he moves on.

  ‘Nothing to lose, except maybe your heart.’ He winks happily, oblivious to the passing ‘hotty’ and I can only eyeroll, knowing it is unlikely anytime soon. To lose your heart you need to have gotten it back first, so that it has the ability to let someone else in, and mine is still most definitely in the tight gripped hands of one sandy haired, hazel eyed, heartbreaker of a Carrero.

  Chapter 2

  ‘No Christian.’ I haul out the sexy dress from my case for the third time and throw it back on the bed. He borrowed it from a senior, after a runway show they put on days ago, and I am not impressed with his choice of dress for me at my sister’s party.

  ‘He will literally have his eyes pop out of his head if you wear this.’ He smirks, holding up the scrap of cloth and sashaying around my bedroom like a movie star, moulding it against him.

  ‘I think most of me will be popping out in this. He has seen me in various forms of skimpy clothing, and trust me, it does nothing for him. I know him Chris, this will just make him think I have gone back to slumming it with sleazy men and backstreet nightclubs. Not that I even care about making an impression on him, so really, it’s not needed.’ I swipe the dress from him and throw it away over the bed this time. Glaring sternly, trying to make him stop interfering. Ever since he met him he has not stopped trying to goad me into playground tactics and far flung ideas on Arrick being jealous or heartbroken without me. If any of that were true he would have contacted me in the last few days, and he hasn’t.

  Or the last three months!

  ‘Of course you don’t, that’s why you have spent the last two days obsessively trying on dresses and make up looks for a seemingly innocent family gathering.’ He smirks at me with a knowing brow lift and sassy twinkle in his eye. I feel my temper bite.

  ‘Fuck off.’ I wave him away as he comes to start snooping in my case again, infuriatingly.

  ‘Don’t you have a boyfriend you should be kissing goodbye right now? Jake has the car picking us up in an hour for the flight home.’ I shove him away by the face as he starts messing with my lace lingerie in the open bag. Christian sighs and throws himself on the bed dramatically, adopting the Hollywood pose of distraught heroine with a palm on his forehead and making loud, weird noises that I am sure are meant to represent misery.

  ‘I already gave him the customary kiss and fuck, he’s off playing straight tonight while he meets his father in the city.’ His boyfriend’s double life is a huge sore point in Christian’s and James’s relationship. Christian figures that all parents are as easy as his when it comes to announcing one’s sexuality, and cannot empathise at all for anything different.

  ‘Well go pick up Jenny, she should have been here by now; So we can all have a little chill out drink before I need to get on a plane with you know who.’ Jake sprung it on me less than an hour ago that Arrick and Nathan will be joining us on the flight home to the Hamptons, something he rarely did was fly, and I don’t know how to feel about this. Jake’s been at the office sorting issues out, despite taking a break to help Emma with their new baby and is adamant we all go back together tonight, one big happy family.

  Clearly deluded and can’t see past his own brother’s ass.

  The party is tomorrow night, but that means my family get to spend some time with me beforehand, and I can introduce my two best friends to everyone properly. Christian met my parents when they came to the city for dinner with me; my mother loved him, pretty sure she missed all his gay hints until he confessed his boyfriend problems to her and broke her heart for any wedding plans she had brewing in her head.

  ‘The shift dress.’ He points out the neatly folded item on my vanity, the plum dress I haven’t worn since Natasha got red wine stains out of it. It just reminds me too much of them both and it’s sat there for weeks, unsure what to do with it. You don’t just toss Louis Vuitton away, even if the thought of ever wearing it again makes me want to cut my own heart out with a spoon.

  ‘For the flight.’ He winks at me with that irritating as shit, know it all look that is now becoming the thing I hate most about him.

  ‘You always look super sexy in an understated way, in classic shift dresses, especially with those heels with the ankle straps.’ I look down at the skinny jeans and tank I was thinking of keeping on for comfort, but realise he is on to something. I will have to endure Arrick for an hour minimum, and maybe it won’t hurt to look good while flying home and pretending to be over him. He sure as hell didn’t seem that broken up over losing me when we saw him that day in the restaurant. I chew on my lip thoughtfully, pushing the memories of him away, like I have done tens of thousands of times s
ince that day and ignore the brewing storm inside of me.

  Do not let him get to you. He doesn’t deserve your pain.

  ‘You know I’m right. Go get your face on and fluff out your hair, while I chase up our girly. Won’t be long sexy.’ Christian slaps my ass as he walks by and leaves in a cloud of designer aftershave that is too sexy for words. I really need to ask him what he wears, as it’s seriously alluring, like a little trail of oomph wherever he goes. It reminds me of Arrick, but I don’t even want to make that connection, shaking the thoughts away again.

  I regard the dress on the vanity and frown, knowing I don’t owe it to Arrick to dress up and look pretty, but a part of me wants to. To show him that I have gone on with my life without him in it; I kept my shit together and am doing okay for myself without him.

  I don’t need him.

  Dressed in jeans and a tee I look relaxed, but also way too casual, and I want to show him that I am more than I was when he rejected me from his life. That I am worth more than what he chose over me. I need to feel like I had a lucky escape, not focus on everything he used to be, everything he was to me.

  My apartment around me is my pride and joy and the homeliest comforting space I have ever known; I have real friends around me who really care, and don’t just use me as a means to an end for my money. My family and I are mending bridges and there is a new-found trust in me, they seem to know that this is different and giving me gentle breathing space to find my way. I’m sticking with school and doing well for myself, excelling at the top of my class.

  These past few weeks I have learned enough of the basics of sewing and designing to kit out my own sewing room, and spend all my spare time in there, sewing beautiful simple things and binge-watching tutorials. I am enjoying every second of being creative and fashioning things for myself, creating my own wardrobe. An eclectic collection of styles and eras as I have been fully opened to the fashion world and the vast number of designers around me. I have purpose and meaning in my life that was lacking before, and I feel like I am finally on a path to something happier.