Chapter 6
A loud buzzing noise rouses me from the hazy darkness when I realise I am in a bed that’s not mine, a familiar arm tossed casually across my waist and sheets pulled up over me to my chin. Confused and disorientated, I blink my eyes open, haziness clouding my instinct to be concerned and begin looking for the god-awful noise with a groan.
Arrick groans next to me, reaching out to smack a nearby alarm clock and sends it crashing to the ground, except the noise perseveres and the next thing to meet hard floor is his cell as he swipes it off into the room, bringing silence once more.
I sigh, a moment of relief, followed by the sudden realisation that I am in bed with him, his bed, in his old room at his parents’ house, and completely naked. Filtering through snippets of being kissed by him, undressed and ‘oh my god’ he had his tongue on my……..
Eyes snapping open properly as I turn my head to get a complete eyeful of toned and tattooed shoulder concealing half of his face, which is very still, eyes still closed, despite killing the clock and his cell. He sighs heavily, shifts his head so he faces away and tenses his arm across my waist after a moment, as though suddenly realising he has someone in bed with him.
Touche.
I pause, holding my breath as last night filters through my sleep addled and still drunk brain. Feeling that immediate pang of anxiety at the memories I conjure up and knowing this is going to be awkward as hell. It seems he too has suddenly been reminded as his hand tenses again across me and he lifts his head suddenly, turning my way and blinking as he gets his bearings, looking completely half asleep and still drunk too. His hazy eyes focus on me, looking very hazel this morning and his face crumbles to a frown.
‘Fuck!’ he mutters under his breath in alarm, drops his face back down into his pillow, pulling is arms in to cradle his face and lets out a frustrated moan. He scoots across the bed and starts fishing for what I guess is the cell he launched a moment ago. It’s like being sucker punched in the heart and I react just as though he has just done.
‘Gee, thanks for that.’ I snap, despite the room still spinning, I throw back the sheets and jump out of bed angrily. Slamming around to find my discarded dress and underwear which was thrown around the room in last night’s crazy entrance. A combination of rage, hurt and complete fucking disappointment in myself for ever believing in him again, has me stamping my feet and acting like a psycho fuelled with rage.
‘Sophie… I didn’t mean it like that.’ He croaks, pulling himself up to turn, seeing me naked and storming around the room, he looks away again with another moan.
‘Jesus Sophie, cover up for god’s sake, I can barely function as it is and that isn’t going to help me in the slightest.’ He groans louder, dropping his face back down on the pillow and grappling with the sheets to try and wrap around his own nakedness using his face as a lever while he lifts his torso up on his feet, dragging it around himself.
‘Fuck you… Weren’t complaining when you got me naked last night!’ I snap again, a flicker of memory coming back at me, but still a little elusive, this time tears stinging in the back of my eyes and emotion threatening to choke me. Consumed with an agony that feels like glass shards tearing through my soul. I feel so fucking dumb right now, like I should have known that last night was too good to be true, and here we are, back to square one and I am just waiting on him telling me it was all just another mistake.
I search for my panties and cannot locate them, giving up and just continuing with my dress, sliding it over my head hastily, concealing my body. Arrick manages to haul himself up, wrapping the sheets fully like a toga around his waist before turning my way once more, a look of relief that this time I am dressed as I still search for my bag and shoes.
Where the hell are my fucking shoes?
‘I didn’t mean it like that, this is…’ He is cut off by the shrill tone of his phone ringing again and he curses under his breath, face a picture of complete bewilderment and looking around until he finds his cell on the floor under the edge of the bed. He red buttons whoever is calling as I locate my bag by the door and find my bra under his side unit, stuffing it in my bag roughly. Glaring at him angrily, feeling stupid that I even woke up here with him, after telling myself I would never let him close to me again.
I feel like such a fucking idiot about now.
He moves as if to say something, but his phone bursts into life once more, whoever is calling is persistent and obviously desperate to get hold of him. He sighs, looking down at the screen in his hand and then back at me with an imploring look. He hesitates, does a double take from cell to me and then looks like he may just cry while I keep glaring at him as though I detest every single tiny part of him.
‘I need to answer this…..Please, just wait, gimme a second ….. It’s Natasha.’ His voice drops dramatically and I almost bawl, right there, in that second, as it confirms my worst fear. Natasha is still a factor, and nothing has changed except disastrous drunken sex that he clearly regrets. If we can even call what happened that; I dreamt last night of fighting and lashing out at an attacker in the dark and found myself encased in arms and legs as he was trying to calm me more than once. I don’t know how much was a dream and how much was what happened in my moment of zoning out or if I had slept fitfully and he had in fact kept consoling me.
‘Go to hell.’ I spit, emotion catching in my throat, so my voice sounds strangled; I turn on my heel and storm for the door, turning to say something scathing in departing, and pause as he holds out a palm, miming for me to wait and be quiet as I realise he is already on the phone. It only angers me more, as if I am a dirty little secret he is trying to hush up and boss around, like he has any god damn chance.
He can go fuck himself.
‘Tasha, hey?’ He says softly, still motioning at me to wait frantically, but I only shake my head at him in utter disgust and look him up and down as though I am seeing him for the first time and don’t like what I see. Rage and broken ache tearing through me at speed and making me feel dirty and worthless sin one fell swoop.
He just cheated on that girl and here he is soothing down the phone like nothing has happened. Fucking dog! Like most men.
I turn and haul the door open, not waiting to hear it close before I am stomping towards the stairs in bare feet. I don’t care that I have lost my shoes and probably look a fright, I just have to get the hell away from him before I literally stab him with something in the face. If I could find my shoes, then both would be firmly implanted in his skull about now anyway. I descend the stairs at furious speed, not caring who may see me at this early hour anymore, I am done being a secret.
As I get to the front door I hear him calling my name, impulsively looking up despite myself and cursing at it, as he comes after me hauling on jeans and concealing his nakedness; making a bad attempt at trying to button them up while rushing my way. He is still barefoot and topless as I reach for the front door handle and pull it toward me, angrily scowling at him with a serious ‘fuck off’ glare. Hating the very ground he walks on and dragging the heaviest pit of pain with me as I go. There is nothing he can say anymore; I fell for it once but never again. He turned out to be a lying scumbag just like the rest of them and I learned a valuable lesson when it comes to men.
None of them are worth it.
‘Don’t open the door!’ Arrick yells as he gets to within two steps of me, panic all over his face but I just frown at him and ignore anything he asks of me anymore. I turn as sunshine hits my eyes with the sweep of the opening door and make to go out, stopping dead in my tracks as I come face to face with one very shell-shocked and morning fresh Natasha at the other side of the door, almost like being instantly punched in the face. A great start to my day, coupled with what just happened upstairs. I feel everything in me sink to my toes and that big slap of ‘he did it again’ overcomes me.
It is as though time stops for a moment, Arrick coming to a halt beside me and looking from me to the her, the wide-eyed devastation on Nata
sha’s face as she looks from me to Arrick in stages of undress and obviously parting ways the morning after. I am just numb, unable to formulate words and stand dumbstruck, a serious sense of déjà vu and yet no longer do I feel guilt at seeing her. I am too empty inside to feel anything right now except that hard thumping ache that started in my core and is spreading out to consume me, like a pounding heavy heartbeat that hurts. I am not going to wait around for another Arrick speech on how he is cutting me out of his life for her, to salvage the seriously broken shit that they call a relationship.
Good riddance to both.
‘Really?’ Natasha squeaks his way, tears forming fast and falling down her face as she faces him with heartbroken accusation. I just roll my eyes, realising she deserves it if she just keeps taking him back, like a weak woman who would rather keep a cheating man whore than be without him.
That’s not me in any way.
‘Tash.. I…’ Arrick seems at a loss for words, looking at me and then Natasha, one after the other. I push him back with a flat palm on his hard-muscular chest, slide between the two of them at the open door and make to leave with barely a care anymore about what this does to her.
‘This is between you two, I’m out. Go fuck yourself Arrick.’ I snap, jumping onto the first cold concrete step as a warm hand catches my upper arm and halts me mid motion. I stumble back, only to be met with another hand grasping my other upper arm to steady me and instantly start struggling in fury to get free, using my clutch bag to slap at his arm over my shoulder.
‘Natasha go to the kitchen, so we can talk, I’ll only be a minute.’ Arrick seems to have regained some strength to his voice and sounds more commandeering that remorseful, he pushes me further outside to the next step effortlessly, and follows me out as the other girl walks in; avoiding my face and crying silently to herself like a pitiful puppy. Still I just feel anger at how pathetic she clearly is. He waits until she has stepped inside, turning to watch her as she looks back with a tear flooded face. I stand my ground, crossing my arms defiantly and tapping my foot while trying to control the demon in me from flipping out. Whatever he has to say is going to be lame, meaningless bullshit and I have no clue why I am still standing here.
‘I just need to talk to her first…Go!’ He nods towards the kitchen door behind her, watching as she turns to look that way and pulls the door shut to conceal her inside. I’m surprised that she would allow her boyfriend to have a cosy chat with his one-night stand to be honest, and be so accommodating about it.
There is really something wrong with that girl.
He is still grasping one of my arms tightly even though I have stopped doing anything except icily hating on him from my frigid pose as he turns me towards him. My impulsive self, defensively poised like a stealth ninja, my arms across my chest and I lift my chin defiantly to meet his gaze.
‘We will talk, we need to talk… First, I need to deal with her, then us… Sophie, this isn’t what you think, just give me a chance to get my head straight. I am still so fucking drunk, and this is like a punch in the face to wake up to.’ He’s trying to pull me close to him, to bring my face to his with gentle fingers cupping my face, but I just shove him off, his hands dropping when faced with an angry fireball version of me. Even Arrick knows when to leave alone and I’m guessing the blood curling look of rage on my face is more than a threat right now. I glare at him, heart breaking, head a mess with confusion and tears brimming that him of all people could do this to me again.
‘Go run after your girlfriend, like you always do, and let me go.’ I turn on my heel before he can reach for me again, knowing how close to breaking down I am, but his voice halts me.
‘She’s not! She hasn’t been for over two month’s Soph’s. Please. Give me half an hour… Just to deal with her and then I’ll come find you. I meant everything I said last night.’ I stand, body paused as his words filter through, unable to formulate a reply as every emotion under the sun courses through me. I won’t fall apart, I won’t let him keep torturing me this way.
‘Please Mimmo… We need to talk about last night. Where we go from here.’ He sounds so damn genuine that it literally stabs me to death in the chest.
‘Don’t call me that, don’t ever call me that again! Do what you always fucking do…Put her above everything and leave me the hell alone, like you did. It’s what I expect, I can take it this time I’m a big fucking girl who knows better than to ever trust you.’ I snap turning on him aggressively, not caring if I have stupid tears running down my face right now. I don’t wait for a response as he looks stupefied. I just turn and storm off in the direction of home, hearing his front door open.
I guess I got an answer without asking a fucking question!
As much as I hate it, my heart responds to him and it near kills me with pain. It makes me storm harder and faster across the street, not caring if everyone and their dog can see me doing the walk of shame right now. I just want to go home and strip him from my skin, to never let him near again.
I have no clue if my friends even made it home last night at all, the last I had seen of them was on the dancefloor before Leila dragged me off for sister hugs. I am still drunk, feeling rough as hell and the tears begin flowing freely again despite myself. Body aching and tingling all over because I cannot get the feel of him from all over me. I hate him so much right now that it hurts everywhere, even my toes and fingers are aching with some new method of internal torture. I feel like I may even die from this pain or have some sort of heart failure at least.
Hands catch me from behind unexpectedly, making me gasp in fright, too stunned to react and I am spun to face Arrick right behind me as I hit my parents drive. Lashing out to take down my attacker but he catches my hands mid slap and pulls me tight to his body. I realise he has on a t-shirt now and sneakers and looks like he ran here, panting and wild eyed and a little messy around the edges like he didn’t even look in a mirror.
‘I choose you… I always will choose you. I have always chosen you Sophie, it wasn’t a case of not wanting you, it was a case of trying to do the right thing for everyone involved. I will always run after you, no matter what, I won’t ever make that mistake again.’ He looks devastated, a little out of breath and seriously afraid, but I just feel my anger explode at him. So sure he can just win me round with fast words and a shitty half reason as to her being here, like I am as pathetic as her.
‘I hate that you make me feel this way, that you hurt me every time I stupidly let you. I don’t want to talk to you, I want to just stop feeling anything anymore and I just need you to leave me alone. You just fuck me up every time I let you in.’ I start sobbing, words coming out hysterically as I wave my hands around, pushing myself away from him. Arrick catches my wrist and pulls it into him, catching the other wrist too and bringing them both together between us so he can hold me still.
‘I’m not going to keep hurting you Sophie. I love you. I meant that. … Please, come upstairs so we can talk. I’m here, I’m yours, for as long as you need… I’m not going anywhere.’ He pleads, his eyes trained on mine and his body bending down to me, his voice gentle and trying so hard to bring me back to him. He lets go of my wrist, so he can run a thumb over my cheek to remove some of the falling tears, but I slap it away hard, hand stinging with the collide and only glare at him more defiantly.
‘I told you. I’m done. You don’t get to keep doing this to me.’ I sniff back tears, yank my other hand free and turn on my heel, turning my back on him to walk away. Confusion crashing through me once more and I just want to get out of this emotional rollercoaster he always throws me on.
‘I’m not going to let you go this time; you can fight me, run, and push me away, all you want. I’m not going to back down and leave you again. I’m never going to leave you again. Life has no meaning without you Sophie… I regret every second of every minute that I let you leave me… I have spent weeks trying to figure out how to just breathe without you…. You’re stuck with me, whether you w
ant me or not and nothing you say is going to change that. Last night just proved to me that you still love me and that is all that I am betting on right now. That’s my tiny glimmer of hope and I am going to cling onto you like a dying man Sophie.’ Arricks voice breaks and I freeze, my own tears pouring down my face as my heart thuds through my chest at his rush of words. I stay still, like a stone staring at the house looming above me as I feel him move closer. Unable to think straight and caught as my heart chooses to stop my feet from moving, while my brain tells me to run fast and far away.
‘I know I have a lot to answer for and make up to you…All I need is a chance to talk to you, sober. Time to really tell you everything. Please?’ His breath tickles my cheek, my resolve weakening, and I just feel angry at how pathetic and weak I am. That I am even considering letting him win me round and listen to him, just to cure the pain he causes me, but Natasha appears in my mind’s eye.
I’m as pathetic as her.
‘What about her? Sat in your mom’s house like a good little puppy?’ I bite, anger and agony colliding and that age-old feeling of guilt where Natasha is concerned, finally winding a path to my conscience. I guess I was just delayed with shock at the house and now it’s sunk in that she is here I am starting to get the inklings of shitty-ness where she is concerned again.
Sometimes I hate my own head so much.
‘She came because she needs a friend, nothing else. She doesn’t matter in this …You’re all that matters to me right now…. I’ll explain all of it. Just let me come inside, or we can go somewhere else.’ Arrick tries to turn my face to him but I pull away, so much mistrust for him right now and an inability to think rationally when he gets too close.
‘So talk. Right here.’ I pout, pulling my arms across my chest defensively, chin up and glaring across the gardens in a bid to keep my eyes away from his. I see him wander around into my eye view, coming to the front of me a little more confidently and hesitate.
The Carrero Heart_The Journey_Arrick and Sophie Page 10
