Addicted to Womanhood 1

by Zoe Brown

  “Finally, one night in early 2016, Theo got me really flat out, knocked-off-my-ass drunk after a drag racing competition at the Sonoma. I’d gotten into a fight, like usual, and I’d gotten trounced: my lip was split, my forehead was bleeding, and my knuckles were cracked, red, and raw. Unfortunately, losing a fight only tended to make me angrier, so even though Theo wasn’t in much better shape than me, it was my anger that started boiling over when he began plying me with alcohol and questions, and it was a slip of my tongue that changed everything for me.”

  “Wow,” I exclaimed, raising my eyebrows. “What did you say?”

  Jade took another deep breath, finishing her glass of wine with a sigh and then holding it out for some more. “Well, he kept asking me why I was so angry, what the fuck was the matter with me. I started bitching to him about meaningless shit at first, but he kept pushing me to get at what was really bothering me, and kept putting alcohol in front of me, so eventually it all started coming out: how I’d really been happy with Alessandra, how the fucking bastards who had beaten me up and scared her away had stolen that from me, and how angry I was now that she was gone.” I filled Jade’s glass and she pulled it back again, sipping generously off the top as she carried on. “I mean I thought it was pretty cut and dry, but Theo wasn’t convinced. He kept pushing me for more. Like why should this one girl dumping my sorry ass have more of an impact on me than the dozen or more who had dumped me over the years before? Why was I so hung up on a hot girl who hadn’t even been a girl until some future-science pill turned her into one? Some of the other guys were wondering whether it was the hot girl I really missed, or the gender-bending pills. Some of the other guys, in fact, had been wondering if I’d ever tried out those pills myself. Well, had I? Had I tried out Alessandra’s gender-bending pills? Had I traded my cock in for a pussy? No? Well did I wish I had, while I’d had the chance? Was that maybe what I was really so angry about, after all? Did I want to be a girl, like Alessandra had become?”

  Jade took another quick, deep drink of her wine glass, and then lowered it again. “That’s about when I blew up at Theo, started beating on him, broke his nose open, and… then screamed at him that… ‘well, maybe I did. So what?’”

  “Holy shit, Jade,” I whispered, squeezing her shoulder again. She chuckled warmly up at me and snuggled closer.

  “It’s alright, babe, don’t worry about it. It’s all in the past now. Theo forgave me. In fact, it actually turned out that he was happy I’d finally gotten to the root of what had been bothering me for all that time. I wasn’t happy, though. I went from angry and violent to sullen, moody, and withdrawn inside of a day. Even though I’d finally owned up to the real reason I was so angry, and admitted what was really bothering me, I didn’t seem to be any better off at that time than I had been before my violent revelation. My whole life I’d been trying to prove what a big, tough, strong, macho man I was, because that was what everyone around me expected of me, and it was what got me approval, and attention, and praise, but what I really, desperately wanted at my core was to give that all up and… just be a pretty girl for a while. For a little while, at least. Just to try it out, nothing too serious or long-term-commitmenty right away, or anything like that. But just… a taste.”

  “But what could I do? ‘Aphrodite’ was off the streets by that time. The handful of gender-bending girls like Alessandra that I spoke to online in the weeks after Theo had me beat the answer to my anger out of … uh, him, told me they were stockpiling what they had left, terrified and heartbroken about the day when they would finally run out of pills for themselves, hoping against hope that someone would come up with a knock-off version of the drug and sell it on the underground market so that they could keep taking it, even if it was outrageously expensive and even if they had to do sexual favors to get it. But, like, in March, ‘Aphrodite’ had already been off the street for a couple of months already, and no one knew yet that Werewoman was about to become a thing – there was nothing hopeful on the horizon for me. Discovering that, deep down, what I really wanted was to become a woman was of no help to me: if Alessandro, before becoming Alessandra, had been gloomy about his prospects for a traditional medical transition from male to female, I was absolutely without fuck hope.” She laughed at the memory, rolling her eyes, “like, it might be hard to picture, looking at this hot bod now,” she ran her delicate little feminine hands down the sides of her body and cupped her generous boobs through the nightie, showing off her feminine assets proudly, “but, uh, well… tell me: can you imagine a 30-year-old Vin Diesel on estrogen and anti-androgens?” She made a dire face.

  I winced. Not that having a superbly-macho-looking, hyper-masculine body before a traditional, transgender medical transition made anyone’s gender identity less valid, or anything, but I could imagine that the results of such a transition – for a poor trans girl, at any rate, someone who could not afford the sorts of expensive cosmetic surgeries or gene-therapy treatments that wealthier people could use today to drastically reshape their appearances over time – might not be what an aspirational trans-woman would hope for.

  “So I did nothing. I sulked, and I pitied myself, and I wallowed in hopelessness. Theo kept trying to pull me out of my funk. He dragged me out of the apartment that I’d officially taken over after Alessandra had been run out of town and made me come with him to street racing events and automobile conventions all up and down the California coast in an attempt to cheer me up – and he even got the guys in the garage to let me work on fixing up busted up, run-down old clunkers again so that I’d finally have something to do with myself other than mope around all day, and could earn a little money, but nothing cheered me up. As much as I loved cars, and racing, and working with engines, none of that filled the emptiness that discovering how much I really wanted to try out being a girl had exposed at, like, the center of my being. I mean, working on my car, alone and by myself or with Theo nearby, and flying along in it down Highway 101 with the wind running over my bare scalp still felt nice, but the racing and the whole… automobile culture was just so thick with that ultra-butch, super-macho masculinity, and I wanted nothing to do with it any more. Theo watched me get more and more miserable and unhappy as the weeks passed, but there was nothing he could do.”

  “And then, finally, a miracle arrived.” Jade smiled up at me. “Werewoman hit the streets in May of that year. As soon as the stories started circulating, fantasies about what taking one of those pills might do to me, the kind of new, feminine experiences I could have, filled all of my waking moments, but I was too scared, initially, to go and get any. I remembered the beating that I’d received from the homophobes and the transphobes of my community when they found out that I was just… banging a gender-bending girl. I was terrified to think what they would do to me if they found out that I’d started taking it and gender-bending myself.” She shuddered. “Plus, there was my mother and my grandmother and my uncles to worry about. When the side effects of the original version of ‘Aphrodite’ had been in the news, all the men and women in my family had come out to talk about how ‘perverse’ the pills were, and how ‘wrong’ and ‘gross’ and ‘sinful’ and ‘disgusting’ the people who were taking them to gender-bend must be. And you know, these were people who publicly claimed to be supportive of transgender people – just, wink-wink, as long as they could tell who they were. And once my relationship with a gender-bending-girl became public knowledge, despite the fact that the beating I’d received had landed me in the ER, it had taken almost a solid week of silence before my mother and grandmother were even willing to speak to me again, they were that repulsed by what I’d done.”

  “But despite the reactions I knew my family would have, despite the violence I feared would happen to me, I still craved those pills. I still wanted to know what it felt like to become a beautiful woman, the way Alessandra had, how it felt to be a beautiful woman, out in the world among other people, and on my own when it I could just be myself, and in bed with another pe
rson – a woman, maybe, or even a man! I had never, once, in all my life, even contemplated the vaguest notion that I might have any attraction towards men, but once the reality of becoming a beautiful woman entered my mind as a real possibility, whole new vistas of sexual potential opened up for me on both sides of the gender divide. I started looking at men in an entirely new, and much more appreciative way. I mean, I still had fuck all desire to sleep with one while I was still a guy, but as my fantasies about the kinds of exploits I could imagine myself getting up to in a possible future where I became a woman grew more and more detailed, a seriously large number of them began to feature fucking men – and I was into that.”

  “But still, there was my family to think about, and the possibility of violence to fear, so as May came and went and the news of Werewoman’s existence on the underground, black-market TCE scene faded from the headlines, I… still did nothing, and I continued wallowing, growing more and more depressed and unhappy with my male, masculine lot in life while making no moves to do anything about it.”

  “Finally, one day, Theo – god bless his fucking soul – decided that he’d had enough. He went out, with three thousand dollars of his own money, money that he’d been saving up for over two years to put towards some new engine parts for his car, and bought a bag of Werewoman off a dealer he knew up in Chinatown, someone far away from anyone in our neighborhood, somewhere he wouldn’t be recognized. Then he brought it over to my apartment, and set it in front of me, and begged me to take some. I was … stunned, at first, and overwhelmed with excitement and gratitude, but… I still turned him down. I told him about my mom, and about my grandmother, and what I was worried Mihály and the rest of the fuckers on my old crew would do to me once they found out that I’d started trading my cock in for a slit now and again, and I told him I couldn’t.”

  “But Theo wouldn’t hear it. He shoved the pills back at me, jumped up onto his feet, and started stomping around the apartment, shouting at me about how sick he was of watching me mope around and wallow in my own misery, and how he couldn’t fucking handle it any more, and that I needed to either ‘woman up’ – yeah, he actually fucking said that shit,” Jade laughed at the memory and shook her head, “and take one, or get the fuck over it and move on with my life. But I still wouldn’t. I shook my head and I pushed the pills away from me again and told him that if he was sick of seeing me mope around all the time he didn’t need to come by and see me anymore, or drag me out to races with him any longer. He could move on with his life, if he wanted to; I wouldn’t hold it against him.”

  “He almost left, then. He stomped over to the door, threw it open, and charged through it like he was going to leave… but then he came back a minute later, this weird-ass look on his face as he stepped back inside. Lying on my bed, staring up at the ceiling feeling sorry for myself and trying to ignore the bag of pills on my coffee table, I asked him why he’d come back, and he said he had one last thing he wanted to say to me before he gave up on me. I told him he had better fucking get on with it and then get the fuck out afterwards, and then he smirked at me, grabbed the bag off of the table again, and dared me to take one.”

  “I was pretty fucking stunned. In the neighborhood where he and I grew up, daring someone to do something that could get them hurt or in serious trouble was a pretty big fucking deal, and you didn’t just throw that kind of shit around, because as fucking filthy with machismo as we all were, dudes would fucking get themselves maimed, arrested, or killed trying to pull off unreasonable shit that someone had dared them to do. But if someone dared you, you couldn’t fucking turn that shit down, either – if it did, that meant you were a coward, a pussy, and that was almost as bad as being considered queer. People would beat the fuck out of you, just for fun, over a reputation like that. Dares were a really big fucking deal on our crew. Friendships ended all the time over shitty dares, and asshole moves like what Theo was trying to pull on me. Even though I was sick of all the machismo, even though I wanted to give it all up and just go be a girl for a while, I couldn’t just ignore a lifetime’s worth of upbringing about something as important as a Dare, so I sat up, I glared at him, and I made him say it again. And he did. He stared me down, a pissed off, frightened look on his face, and called me a coward. ME, a coward, the guy who was always running around picking fights with guys even bigger and tougher than I was. A coward, he said, if I wasn’t brave enough to ‘woman up’ and a take a damn pill, like Alessandra had done. Damn the consequences, he said, damn my family, the guys on the crew, even Mihály. Theo said that not only was I letting my fear of what other people would say about me hold me back, but that even more than that, that I was afraid I might actually enjoy myself as a woman if I tried one of those little pink pills, and that if I did that, the male me might not come back afterwards. But he said that I had to fucking risk that, or he was finished with me. If I didn’t have the ovaries to try and be the girl that I kept dreaming of becoming, no matter the consequences, and devil take me, then he was fucking done with ‘a fake bitch pussy’ like me.”

  “And so, yeah, that was it for me. That was all I needed to get myself fired up to take one of those fucking little pink pills. Theo could fucking be done with me if he wanted to, that was fine with me, I was miserable and starting to hate myself, so I didn’t see much reason for him to continue hanging out with my anymore anyway, but he was not going to walk out that door thinking of me as a coward. So I got out of bed, stormed across the room towards him, yanked a pill out of the bag and shoved it into my mouth. And then I dared him, too. Not to take a pill, but to prove that he was man to live with the consequences of what he was daring me to do, himself. ‘Fuck me,’ I told him, snarling into his face, ‘I dare you to fuck me, once my transformation is done.’”

  I coughed and shifted in my seat again, tugging my pajama pants down around my crotch and trying to ease a sudden stiff discomfort I was feeling. Jade sat up and pulled herself off of the couch, padding across the room over to the balcony in her new chemise and silk robe as I adjusted myself, laughing with wicked amusement at the timing of my uncomfortable arousal. “Yeah, it sounds a lot sexier now when I look back on things, but at the time, I was so pissed off and upset that I wasn’t thinking straight.” Leaning up against the balcony railing, the beautiful dark-haired girl glanced back over her shoulder at me and beckoned me out onto the balcony beside her with a head tilt. I complied, grabbing the bottle of wine and both of our glasses before joining her on the perch overlooking the wide, intricate tapestry of the streets and the buildings below, and the dark, shimmering blue blanket of the Bay, beyond.

  “And was Theo thinking straight?” I asked her, murmuring softly I poured another glass for us both. Jade accepted hers with a smile, but she didn’t drink from it right away.

  “Not any more so than I was,” she shrugged, glancing back out over the city and leaning her smaller, curvier body against mine as she did so. I wrapped an arm around her waist and gently caressed her side. “He was already angry at me, and I’d just called out his manhood, so without even blinking he snarled back and agreed to fuck me once my transformation was complete, and then the transformation hit and neither of us had any more time to think about things before I started popping out boobs and an ass and, well,” she gestured down at herself, “all the rest of it. It only took a few minutes, but I went from a broad-shouldered, 6’2”, big, beefy, bruiser type weighing well over two hundred and twenty pounds to a big-breasted, wasp-waisted, wide-bottomed hourglass glamour model type with dark brown hair down to the middle of her back, who couldn’t get above 5’6” without heels and was barely a buck twenty-five on the scale. And you’ve seen how hot and sexy our transformations from male to female are – for both the transformee and their audience. Before I even lost my cock, Theo had me up against the wall, his tongue was down my throat, and I was moaning quite happily along. Almost as soon as my manhood gave way to a womanhood his cock was inside me and we were fucking off to the races.”

&n
bsp; “Wow,” I sucked in a sharp breath, awkwardly aware that my cock was now tenting out the front of my pajama pants and poking right up into Jade’s perfectly round bottom, but she didn’t seem to mind. “That sounds pretty fucking hot.”

  “It was the best sex I’d ever had,” she grinned slyly up at me and then turned her head back over her shoulder and stood up on her tiptoes to deliver a sensual kiss right onto my lips, “up to that point in my life, at any rate. Becoming a woman was every bit as hot and sexy an experience as Alessandra had made it look like, and even more incredibly, as my new curves started popping out of me, I felt like I was finally becoming myself, a new, better, soft, warmer, kinder, happier version of myself that I’d been waiting for, angrily at first and then miserably later on, ever since Alessandra’d left town and I couldn’t get my vicarious kicks of gender-bending and femininity from her any more. I was finally meeting the me I wanted to be, and she was everything I’d ever hoped for, and more.”