Addicted to Womanhood 1

by Zoe Brown

  Jade sighed, blew out her breath, and shook her head. “No. I was fucking miserable. I mean, not at first, not right away. At first, all that baggage – everything to do with Theo and my mother and with Mihály – it was all so fresh, and raw, that hanging up my womanhood for a while and trying to get back to the business of being a guy actually felt like a relief. I didn’t have to worry about things anymore: I didn’t have to worry about being found out by monsters like Mihály, I didn’t have to worry about being disowned by my family, I didn’t have to worry about coming up with enough money to keep my feminine form… the sudden loss of stress and the distance from all the trauma I’d just been through was actually beneficial, for a while. But then everything started to go bad again. I wasn’t really happy with any of the new girls I’d been taking home from the bar, I admitted to myself. I was envious of them, jealous of their womanhood and the femininity that came so easily and naturally to them, that no one would accuse them of faking or attack them for. I was using them for that, for ‘high’ of their femininity. And I resented having to be ‘the man’ with all of the girls from the bar, which was clearly what they were looking for and what I had offered going in. I missed the softness and tenderness of my connection with Theo. I wanted to be somebody’s girl again, to feel wooed and pampered and adored and cherished and desired and beautiful and… all the rest of it. Plus, work was starting to drive me crazy. Although my bartending skills were excellent, my attitude after those first few, good months really started to suck. I kept watching the pretty girls strolling in and out of the Lounge with a mixture of envy, longing, resentment, and anger, and although I kept myself from physically lashing out at people around me that time, I was surly, sullen, unfriendly, and passive-aggressive. I couldn’t sleep, I was running myself ragged, and my temper was on a very short fuse. Something had to give, and finally, it did. My boss finally sat me down, towards the end of September last year, and told me that unless things changed, pronto, he was going to have to show me the door.”

  “I took a long weekend to get drunk, blow off steam, blast up to the Sonoma drag strips, and try to get my head back on straight. I watched the races dispassionately, losing myself in the noise of the crowd and the memories of my many visits up her with Theo, but without Theo’s physical presence at hand to force me to confront the truth that I was avoiding, I had to make myself face it head on. And that was hard. It involved a lot of drinking, a lot of shouting at the stars, not a small amount of crying, and one shakily-swallowed little pink pill. It was the first time I’d taken Werewoman again since Theo left town, nearly nine months ago, and swallowing that little pink pill and letting my body moan, and scream, and shift, and wriggle, and orgasm its way back to womanhood was like having an alarm clock go off like a trumpet in my ear. I was back, suddenly! I was back to myself again, I was back to being who I was, who I really, really wanted to be. I felt free again, at last, and I laughed and I cried and I balled up my fists and hammered them onto the hood of my car over how much I missed Theo, over how painful my mother’s rejection had been, and how angry I was that Mihály had forced me to defend myself to the point of his death. I drove to the nearest motel that I could find, looking ridiculous in Giuliano’s oversized clothes, rented a room for the night, masturbated myself to orgasm several times in order to release the months of tension that had built up inside of me and to clear my head, and then finally, blissfully fell asleep, totally fucking clear on what I had to do. It was time for Giuliano to step aside. Ultimately, I had decided, I was a woman at heart.”

  “When I broke the news to one of the girls I’d been seeing from the club, the only one that I’d really started feeling close to, she pouted a little bit but accepted it without too much heartbreak. I assured her that it was nothing to do with her, and she was thrilled to finally understand what had been driving me crazy the for months on end. We stayed friends, and I introduced her to my female alter ego the very next night. When she asked me for my name – my female name – I nearly said ‘Julia,’ but then I paused. Something held me back. Even though I was happy to be a girl again, to be myself again, and excited about the future that was waiting for the new, female-me once I sorted out my life a little bit, the traumas that ended my first stint at life as a woman, as ‘Julia,’ were still with me. Even though I was over my relationship with Theo, I still felt the pain of losing him. Even though I had a dysfunctional-but-working relationship with my family – in which neither my family or myself ever brought up my gender-bending and we all just pretended that it had never happened – I still burned over my mother’s rejection and betrayal. And even though Mihály was cold and buried and no longer a threat to me, I still feared the possible retaliation of his thugs one day, or of men like him. I didn’t want to be ‘Julia’ again, I decided. Instead, I would be ‘Jade;’ ‘Jade Toscano,’ an Italian-American-sounding name that no one would question, or trace back to Giuliano.”

  “When I became Jade, I changed a lot of things about myself, partly to make it easier for me to hide and partly to make a break with the past. I sat down one weekend and tried to figure out who I wanted the new girl I was becoming to be. I decided to change everything about me that I didn’t like and ‘fake it until I made it’ on the things I wanted to change about myself, to be more like the girl I really wanted to be. I forced myself to practice speaking differently, to watch a lot of television and model my dialect after the girls on popular tv shows like ‘Grey’s Anatomy’ and ‘Brooklyn 99,’ get the street lingo out of my speech. I traded in a lot of ‘Julia’s’ trashy, street-racing-girl clothes for some fancier, Insta-hottie clothing, and went down to Sephora’s for some classy makeup lessons. That was all pretty easy, and the girls from the club that I used to date, the ones I felt comfortable telling about my ‘transition,’ they were pretty helpful in getting Jade’s life sorted out. Telling my boss about my gender change was a little more difficult. I didn’t have time to get any paperwork filed, and not knowing exactly what the legal status of gender-bending Werewomen was when it came to thinks like name changes and gender changes with SSA and the DMV, and with the… y’know, the specter of possible retribution for the death of Mihály someday in the future hanging in the back of my mind, I wasn’t in a big hurry to file any public-record, legal paperwork just yet anyway, so I decided to just confront my boss with a physical demonstration of what was going on with me, instead. I asked for a private meeting with him, in his office, a few hours before we opened one night, locked the door behind me, and then transformed in front of him. He was… shocked, to say the least, and probably a little turned on, but thankfully not repulsed, and I managed to quickly sell him on the idea that as Jade, I was not only a happier, brighter, warmer person to have behind his bar than the angry, sullen Giuliano had been, but I was also a sexy, hot draw for his customers as well. I got him to agree not to tell anyone – anyone – about my legal identity, and to give me a week to prove to him how valuable I could be. In that week, I sold more liquor behind that bar than any other guy or girl on his staff, and I walked away with a substantially-larger cut of the nightly tips than I ever had before. Plus, the guys (and some of the girls) were falling all over Jade at the bar – as you might have picked up on the other night, I’ve become almost as much of an attraction as the live music and the booze that everyone is ostensibly there for. Once he saw how good I could be for business, my boss had no reason not to let me stay on staff as Jade, keeping my legal identity entirely between us, removing my legal name from all of the paperwork he had stashed in his office, and paying me by direct deposit into my bank account (so that no nosey coworkers could sneak a look at my checks and catch wise.) I’d started the job as Giuliano, so all my paperwork was above board and legal, we just had to make a few edits to the printed paperwork to hide any evidence of my old name. I appreciated his efforts – as I showed him one night, after the bar closed…” Jade lowered her voice to a sensual purr, licked her lips, wiggled her eyebrows and blushed.

  I laugh
ed.

  Chapter Thirteen

  Jade and I both returned to our normal lives the next morning, me off to work and her off to look after some of her younger siblings for the afternoon until her mother got home from work. When I questioned how she was going to manage that (since she still looked like a woman when we rolled over in bed together in the morning), she assured me that she had timed the dosages of her Werewoman regimen so that her feminine form would wear off shortly before noon today, giving her – or rather, her male alter-ego, Giuliano – plenty of time to get dressed in some suitably masculine clothing and head over to his old neighborhood before he was expected.

  “I’m also going to need about half an hour to scrub the scent of sex and wet pussy off of every part of my body,” she groaned, playfully wiggling her eyebrows at me as she ran her hands seductively across her bare curves. I laughed and rolled my eyes at her, feeling a surge of arousal as her hands slipped down over the smooth emptiness of her crotch and disappeared down between her legs, and decided that there was likely no harm in me delaying my arrival at the office by… oh, say, half an hour.

  We showered together that morning. We even managed to get clean while doing so.

  Once I made it out of the apartment and back into the office, I threw myself back into my work with an energy and an enthusiasm that I hadn’t felt since before March. For the first time in several months, after a weekend alone with the beautiful and sensual gender-bending Werewoman, Jade, I didn’t feel empty when I returned to work in the morning on Monday. There was a lightness in my step and a sparkle in my eyes as I breezed through my morning meetings with senior staff and division heads, reviewing recent performance profiles and making recommendations, issuing directives, and resolving disputes with a confidence that my employees had not seen me wield in months. Several of them commented positively on the change in my attitude, remarking that it was ‘good to have the old boss back, again,’ or something to that effect. Brendan noticed the uptick in my mood as well: after going over some paperwork and filing tasks that afternoon in my office, my junior Executive Assistant had grinned at me while slipping out of his chair on the opposite side of my desk, announced that he was glad to see that things were turning around for me, and threw me a jaunty salute as he strolled out of the office to get back to his duties. I watched him go with a bit of bemusement, wondering idly what the young man would have to say if I told him that the source of my sudden ‘turn around’ was the intimate sexual affair I was now conducting with a gender-bending Werewoman who happened to be one of the sexiest, most feminine, and most desirable women I had ever met.

  The sudden buoyancy in my mood persisted throughout the remainder of the week, as well, and carried over into the next one, too. Although I didn’t see Jade again for a number of days following our initial weekend together, the two of us exchanged a series of playfully titillating text messages, or sexts, throughout the week, as well as a number of intimately erotic photographs and gifs ourselves in various stages of undress. We were both busy the next weekend: I had prior plans with the red-headed gender-bending beauty, Brianna, that I was looking forward to, and Jade had to work both Friday and Saturday evenings, but that didn’t seem to dampen either of our spirits or our growing physical ardor for one another. Although I thoroughly enjoyed myself with Brianna on Friday night and into Saturday morning (as did she, judging by the reluctance with which she returned home Saturday afternoon ahead of her reversion back into Gregory), and Jade assured me that she had similarly enjoyed her Saturday night encounter with one of the starting linebackers of the 49ers, we were both delighted to wake up on Sunday morning and spend a few hours lounging about in bed exchanging sexts and texts until our respective plans for the rest of the day called us away again.

  There was nothing officially romantic between us, of course; at least, nothing that I was aware of at the time. But there was definitely a connection between Jade and I, just as there was a slightly fainter one between myself and Brianna. It was that connection that seemed to draw us together, feeding our little intimate affair with excitement and energy, even without the opportunity to actually get our hands on one another and let our sexual passions take over. On Jade’s side, it seemed pretty obvious that the connection, for her, was about having someone that she could be open and honest with about who she was and where she came from, honest about the way that she’d come into possession of the womanhood that she now so highly-treasured and thoroughly-relished, and honest about some of the limitations and rules under which her life as the woman that she desired to be had to be lived. Jade didn’t have to hide anything from me – she could not only be herself, the beautiful and feminine woman known to the world as Jade, but also be herself, the gender-bending Werewoman who could never admit to any of her new female friends or average male lovers the experiences that had shaped her life, or the truth about her past, and why she so deeply loved and appreciated being a woman now.

  On my own side, well, I wished that I could have said that my connection to Jade was all about her, about being able to be myself with her, being open and honest about my desires with her, and being able to enjoy the passion for womanhood and life as herself that made her light up with brightness and enthusiasm for every aspect of her life as the woman that she so desired to be, but… as the days passed, it became increasingly apparent to me that a significant, if not overwhelming portion of the connection that I felt towards the gorgeous young Werewoman was actually about the vicarious gender-bending thrills that I got to experience through her, instead, just as Jade and Brianna had suggested it might be. I was careful not to share that growing revelation with Jade herself, however. For instance, when Jade asked me at the end of the weekend which of the erotic pictures or gifs that she’d sent to me over the week before had gotten me hardest, I very carefully did not answer, in full honesty, that the gifs she’d taken of her emerging breasts and shrinking cock as she transformed back into ‘Jade’ after an afternoon spent with her family in her male alter-ego’s body had been, in my opinion, far and away the sexiest things that I’d received from her all week. Somehow, I had a feeling that, even though she had originally anticipated that I would get my sexy, kinky gender-bending kicks vicariously through any sexual relationship that I enjoyed either with her, or with another Werewoman such as Brianna, she would not relish having the reality of that scenario confirmed for her now.

  The truth was, even though I thoroughly enjoyed my intimate and sensual connection with Jade during the later half of the month of September, my fantasies about trying Werewoman myself some time and becoming a beautiful, sexy young woman just like her, or like Brianna, and having sexy, sensual adventures in that form, luxuriating in my womanhood and my femininity and fucking my way up and down the California coastline, or across the Mediterranean Sea, or some such, kept intensifying throughout the latter half of the month as well, growing both stronger and more vivid as my yearning and my longing for them increased. I kept trying to ignore them, but that only seemed to intensify the yearning desire that I felt. In fact, they became so intense, and seductive, that several times during the second week of my ‘new thing’ with Jade, after one or another fantasy about soft skin, supple curves, hot sex, and womanhood invaded my thoughts as I sat in on a shareholder call or a daily briefing or an earning’s report, or whatever, I actually had to retreat to the sanctuary of my private office to masturbate (which wasn’t entirely a new experience for me: being the boss and having a private, sound-proof office that could be sealed against prying eyes were features of my privileged position that I had availed myself of now and again before, albeit usually in the company of hot, visiting beautiful women and not so much on my own, or in anything like the current context) because otherwise I couldn’t get the yearning desire to become a hot, sexy young woman out of my mind! And as much as being involved with Jade put a spring in my step again and brought some energy back to my once boring routine, once I found myself alone in my office, alone with my work and free to let
my mind wander, my thoughts invariably drifted back towards those fantasies, which seemed to grow ever more complex and involved as the days passed: towards the end of the second week, I actually began day-dream-planning where I would go, and what I would do, if I ever decided to give into my desires and take some Werewoman for myself, during my first outing as a woman!

  And it wasn’t that the shame and the defensive masculine insecurity had gone away or anything. No, I still felt those sensations loudly and clearly, despite the seductive intensity of my sexy, sensual gender-bending desires. And whenever I masturbated, getting myself to climax off of the image of my body shifting and softening and shrinking and blossoming into the figure of a curvy, sexy goddess who was a hundred-and-fifty-percent down-to-fuck, they would come roaring back up to the surface again, full-throated and angry at me – at myself – for having, once again, given in to my weak, soft, emasculating yearnings.

  How could I!? My rational mind would demand of me. How could I even conceptualize, my defensive, insecure Masculine fear and anger would shout at me, giving up all that I am, risking all that I’ve achieved, over some soft, effeminate fantasies about having tits and a pussy for a while!? What if someone found out about my fantasies!? About my potential activities!? Was I really willing to risk all the power and the strength and the advantages of being a rich, powerful, handsome man just so that I could play girly dress up games like some sissy?!

  I heard all of those frantic, defensive, enraged and frightened screams in the back of my mind, and my rational mind begged me to listen and to heed their warnings. I tried to comply, to push the fantasies away and shut them out, pay no further attention to them. The only problem was that the screaming, shouting defensive insecurity of my masculinity, and the suffocating, paralyzing shame that inevitably followed yet another episode of succumbing to my desires, of losing myself in my sexy fantasies again, of reaching orgasm while imagining myself as a soft, sexy seductress in a sensual scene… they only operated at one level of intensity, all the time. But the yearning, growing longing and increasing intensity of my fantasies began to drown them out, until I almost stopped hearing them all together, except during those brief moments after an orgasm, when the clarity of thought and the temporary dampening of my sexual ardor allowed them to swell up and spill out into my conscious thought again.