Oh God.
Oh no.
The girlfriend.
The realization hit Ana like a speeding train and felt just as brutal. The ecstatic girlfriend flew into Natalie’s arms, and Ana forced a smile. “This guy who always comes into the diner gave me his miles. And here I am. Live and in person.” The girl, Morgan, wrapped her arms around Natalie’s neck and moved in for a kiss that Natalie stepped out of.
“Oh, uh, probably not where I work,” she told Morgan lamely and passed Ana a look. Realizing she was in the way there, Ana began looking for an opportune moment to sneak off. “Why didn’t you tell me you were coming?”
“It was super last minute,” Morgan said, “and oh, I came with Janelle and Harris. They went back to the hotel. But they want to go out with us, so I need to text Janelle that I found you.” Morgan began to type into her phone.
Natalie dipped her head to catch Morgan’s eye. “Hey. Wait a sec for me, okay? I want to introduce you to my friend, Ana.”
“Nice to meet you, Morgan,” Ana said, and offered her hand. But Morgan was texting and didn’t see the gesture, prompting Ana to eventually abandon the attempt, feeling foolish in the process.
“Cool. Really nice to meet you,” Morgan said, glancing briefly from her phone with a smile.
Natalie gestured to Ana. “Ana’s a principal dancer with the company and will also be dancing the role of Mira in the show.”
“That’s the part you’re dancing, right?” Morgan said. She took a short break from typing.
“Right. We split the role. I told you, remember?”
“Baby, you tell me a lot. It’s hard to remember everything. What I do know is that you’re amazing when you dance, which is the important part. Oh, hey,” Morgan said to Ana. “O-M-G. You should come out with us tonight, Ana. Janelle and Harris have already found some awesome prospects in the Village, but maybe you guys know some killer clubs since you’re here all the time.”
First of all, going out with Morgan and Natalie? Because this whole thing wasn’t awkward enough? Not going to happen. Second of all, there should be some cosmic rule that anyone over the age of fifteen who said O-M-G would be swallowed up by the Universe. Okay, so now she was entering the land of the petty. Perfect. Ana stole a glance at Natalie, who looked back at her apologetically, and in that moment she felt so unbearably small. “You know, I appreciate the invitation,” Ana said to Morgan, “I do. But I think it’s best if I head home and let you two spend some time together. I’m kind of an early riser.”
“We understand,” Natalie said, letting her off the hook.
“It was nice meeting you, Morgan. You guys have fun.” She didn’t stick around for further conversation, and no one seemed to mind. All Ana knew was that she needed to get out of there, and quick, because the idea of watching Morgan touch and moon over Natalie for one moment longer was about as enticing as swimming lessons in the shark-infested Arctic. She was smarter than that, and an astute practitioner of self-preservation, but damn it, tears were already gathering behind her eyes as she walked. The fact that her heart clenched uncomfortably on the train home was a circumstance she pushed aside. And the longing she felt for a woman already spoken for was best not indulged.
Ana had always been excellent at self-discipline.
So why wasn’t any of it working anymore?
Chapter Nine
Punce it. Punce it. Punce it. Punce it. Punce it. The nonstop beat from the DJ booth bled through the club floor and vibrated through the bottom of Natalie’s shoes. The sensation was one she’d often enjoyed and identified with good times from her past.
Not tonight.
Her emotions swirled, and the loud music and moving lights only added to the off-kilter sensation she couldn’t quite shake.
To say Natalie was floored to see Morgan, to have her standing there on the steps at Lincoln Center, was an understatement. But the reunion also had her emotions warring. On one hand, she was over the moon to see Morgan, having missed her all this time. On the other, her life was wildly different of late and she didn’t know how to be the person she was when she left LA. Too much had changed, and wouldn’t Morgan notice that? And then there was Ana and the moment between them in the studio, which she hadn’t yet fully processed. Ana had kissed her, something she never would have predicted from Ana’s well-established aversion to risk taking. The kiss itself had been off the charts and affected her still, just playing it back. She gave her head an admonishing shake, knowing full well she couldn’t go down that road right now. Instead, she tucked the memory away for examination later.
“So do you want to change before we meet Janelle?” Morgan had asked just after Ana left them.
Natalie glanced down at her jeans, leotard, and hoodie. “I have a shirt in my bag I can wear. But, hey, I don’t know that I can hit up a bunch of clubs tonight, Morg. We open in a week and this show is a pretty big deal.”
“I thought you hated ballet,” Morgan said almost teasingly as she thumbed Natalie’s zipper.
“Yeah, well, I’m not saying it’s my go-to genre of dance, but it can actually be really beautiful. This ballet in particular is—”
“You’re really cute when you get all dreamy looking like that,” Morgan said, clearly not listening. “The opening sounds really cool, though.”
“About that, I actually thought you were coming next week so you could be there with me on opening night.”
“I know, but the timing didn’t work out. I’m dying to see you dance all prim and proper, and I will soon, but there’s this warehouse Ryan rented out for next Saturday. You remember him, right? From the diner? It’s like this foam party and I volunteered to help out with it, work the door, and I didn’t want to cancel on him last minute.”
“No. I get it. Foam party.”
“Foam party,” Morgan repeated with emphasis, tugging on Natalie’s hoodie. Well, how could she expect to compete with that? That’s when it hit Natalie how far apart their lives were becoming, even after only a few months. What did that say for what lay ahead? How were they supposed to build on a relationship if they were on two completely separate paths? “We should get going,” Morgan said. “Janelle is already at this one place she says is tight. Hot people everywhere.”
Natalie drew a breath and made a decision. She should enjoy this time with Morgan, but not at the expense of the work she’d put forth. “Just one stop, okay? I need to be up early tomorrow for rehearsal, and my body is already on fumes.”
“One club and then we’re out.”
Except they weren’t.
They hit up Splash in the Meatpacking district where, true to Janelle’s word, beautiful people danced to a hypnotic beat. A woman with green hair DJ’d from the tall booth in the corner, and at first, Natalie found herself kicking back and attempting to have fun. She allowed herself two drinks, two more than her new limit when working. She and Morgan kissed and danced and laughed. When Natalie finally checked out her watch, two hours had passed.
“We should head out now,” she shouted, which was in fact the only way one could be heard above the music.
Morgan frowned at her. “Already? We just got here.” She high-fived Janelle and downed another shot.
“I have class in the morning and then rehearsal, and the day will be a long one. Come back to my place with me? You can see where I live and meet up with Janelle in the morning.”
“I just want to dance a little bit more, babe, okay? Then we’ll go. I love New York!” And with that Morgan danced her way into the throngs until Natalie lost sight of her. With each passing minute, the fun fell away a little bit more. By one a.m., Morgan was flat-out drunk.
“Why aren’t you having funnnn with us?” Morgan slurred in her ear. She hung on Natalie’s arm and hopped a little to the now-obnoxious music.
“It was fun two hours ago, not so much anymore. Can we go?”
“You should go,” Morgan said, pushing her away. “I’m staying here. How often am I in New York? I want
to experience this.”
“Over spending time with me? We haven’t even had a real conversation yet.”
“We can do that tomorrow. You go home. I’m gonna play.”
“Are you mad at me?” Natalie asked, though she wasn’t sure if it would stop her from leaving at this point.
Morgan balked. “Pshhh. No.” And then laughter. Drunken laughter. “You need your dancer sleep. Me and Janelle want to hit up one last place that the bartender told us about. I’ll crash at her hotel so I won’t wake you or whatever. It’s cool.”
“Are you sure I can’t convince you to—”
“You look hot tonight,” Morgan said, dancing off into the masses once again.
Well, fuck. This was not how she wanted the evening to play itself out. Honestly, she was hurt that Morgan didn’t want to spend time with her. But then again, Morgan had always been a pleasure seeker. It was one of the reasons they’d had so much fun together.
But fun only went so far, she was finding.
Natalie waited around another twenty minutes in the hopes of saying good night, but when neither Morgan nor Janelle ever emerged from the crowd, she reluctantly took her leave and hopped a cab home.
Natalie was exhausted, sad, and in possession of very few coping skills. Her limbs hurt, but her heart hurt, too. She paused outside Ana’s door, knowing she’d be asleep at this hour. She smiled at Ana’s strict adherence to living well and getting a good night’s sleep. That smile faded when she thought of the way she’d held Ana earlier that night and stared into those luminous, and frustrating, blue eyes. The memory had her heart executing the strangest little beat, and when she waited for sleep to claim her at long last, it was Ana’s face she saw when she closed her eyes, and Ana that she thought of as she drifted off into slumber.
*
Natalie stirred her coffee and she stared out the window of Andrew’s Coffee Shop for any sign of Morgan. They’d made plans via text to have breakfast before Natalie headed into work, but so far Morgan was twenty minutes late. As she waited, Natalie wrestled with the butterflies in her stomach and the confession that bubbled inside her. The feelings she had for Ana were not going away, and she’d be lying to herself and Morgan if she didn’t fess up to them and to the kiss they’d shared. It was the right thing to do.
“You sure you don’t want to order something while you wait, hon?” the sassy waitress asked. She had the gruff voice and the accent down pat. Very New York.
“No, she’ll be here. Kind of a late night, I think.”
The woman raised her eyebrow. “I’ll put on some stronger coffee, then.”
Another ten minutes passed, but then there she was, wearing leggings and a comfortable sweatshirt. Morgan slid into the booth across from Natalie and regarded her grumpily. “I don’t know how you get up at this hour and manage to live.”
Natalie smiled. “It’s eight thirty-five.”
“Exactly my point.” Morgan wordlessly held out her coffee cup to the waitress.
“This is the strong stuff,” the woman told her. “Drink that.”
Morgan passed her a don’t-be-creepy look and nodded. They placed their breakfast orders and sat in silence a few moments.
“You missed a memorable time last night,” Morgan said.
“I’m sure I did.”
She sat back in the booth, dejected at the fact that Natalie didn’t seem interested in asking for more details. “So what’s going on with you anyway? You’re, I don’t know, off in your own world.”
“Right. I realize it probably seems that way, but it’s more like I’m focused in a way I never have been. I wanted to see you, Morgan, but last night wasn’t what I had in mind.”
“What? You’re too good for the club scene now that you’ve been officially discovered?”
Okay, ouch. “No. It’s not that at all. But if I want my body to do all the things I’m asking of it, I need to get rest and try to not get shitfaced before an important rehearsal.”
Morgan shook her head. “It’s whatever. You used to dance and party back home. It was fine with you then.”
“I need to tell you something.” She met Morgan’s gaze, and took a deep breath. “I kissed someone. It was just one time, but it happened. I shouldn’t have while we’re together. It was wrong of me and I wanted us to talk about it.”
Morgan took a moment and Natalie waited for whatever anger or sadness would come her way. “I slept with someone,” Morgan said instead. “A couple times. If we’re doing the honesty thing right now.”
“I’m sorry—you what?”
“You were gone, and…things happened. It’s only natural. People aren’t meant to be alone.”
Natalie turned her head to the window and absently stared at the foot traffic as her mind struggled to catch up. Men and women dashed to their respective offices, some holding coffee, some expensive briefcases. All while she sat there trying to understand her own life. It should hurt, what Morgan had just said to her.
But it didn’t.
Shocking? Yes. Disappointing? Sure.
But painful? Not really. Not in the way it should be.
That had to say something, right?
“So, what are you thinking?” Morgan asked. “Because maybe we should just chalk this up to long distance and life or whatever. Go our separate ways now.”
“Wait. Are you breaking up with me?” Natalie asked, nonplussed. Morgan was breaking up with her? Seriously?
“I think it’s for the best, babe. We’re headed different places. It’s going to hurt for a while. But eventually, you’ll start to feel like yourself again.” Morgan reached across the booth and patted Natalie’s arm.
“Thanks,” she said, still mystified.
“You’ll bounce back.” She raised her hand and signaled the waitress.
In the midst of this circus, Natalie smiled at the woman, who kicked her hip out and barked at Morgan. “You need something, hon?” She felt lighter somehow, as if she’d dodged a really scary bullet.
“I’ll take that breakfast wrap to go. Oh, we’ll need the check. You’re good with handling that, yeah?”
Natalie laughed at the audacity. “Of course.”
She replayed the whole series of events in her head as she walked the eight blocks to work, still not quite believing them. One thing she didn’t do was allow herself to think about what this could potentially mean for her and Ana and the electricity between them. There would be time for all of that down the road. In the meantime, they had a ballet to perfect. In the face of that, they should focus on their friendship first, right? Table the rest.
Only, when she arrived onstage for the run through and saw Ana looking gorgeous in the slinky costume for the second movement, the slope got a little more slippery. “Hey,” she said to Ana, as a costume mistress made work of the ten hooks down the back of the short dress.
Ana turned at the sound of her voice, but there was a softness missing in the way she looked at Natalie. Her guard was up now, and that stung. “Hi. Good morning.”
“You look great.”
“Oh. Thanks. You’re next.”
Natalie nodded and then nodded some more, not sure what words to assemble to make life feel natural and breezy. Should she bring up the breakup at some point? Or was that a presumptuous and weird thing to do? When normal banter failed her, Natalie took her leave. However, she was always aware of Ana’s location in the room, a detail she couldn’t ignore if she wanted to.
By the end of the day, it was clear. Yes, sir. Anastasia Mikhelson somehow commanded nearly all of her thoughts. And Natalie could project rules and best practices upon their relationship all she wanted, but the reality was, she was done for.
Chapter Ten
“I’m not sure I get the point of the bar if I’m not actually going to drink,” Ana told Jason as they arrived at McKenna’s just after eight.
“It’s five days before opening, and rehearsal is coming to a close. It’s hard to be inside a theatre twelve hours a
day,” he told her.
“So?”
“So we need to do something other than rehearse. And I have to say, you’re getting better at the whole social life thing. Gotta give you credit.”
“Thanks.”
“Anytime.”
She put a hand on his arm as he moved to the door. “But before we go in, do we know who’s going to be in there? Specifically?”
He studied her. “Is this one of those Mean Girls questions? Should I find Helen, because I’m a dude and not sure I’ll live up.”
Ana studied him. “What are you talking about? It was a simple question.”
“Girl drama. I’m guessing you and Nat are in some kind of fight, because you’re acting all weird around each other and you want to know if she’s in there before we head in. Am I right? Do I need to find Helen?”
She walloped him in the stomach with the back of her hand. “No, Presumptuous, we don’t need to call Helen. And we’re not fighting. We’re fine. Do I not look fine?”
“You look hot. You always do. And now that you mention it, let’s get out of here. Go somewhere on our own.”
“No way. I’m here to socialize and unwind like other people do. Let’s go.”
“Her majesty has spoken. After you.” Jason opened the door for her and gestured inside.
Ana scanned the bar and found the section at the far end where the other dancers had congregated in a grouping of tables. Spotting the two of them, several hands raised, beckoning them over. “I spot a leading lady,” Theo said. He was a principal dancer working on another of the ballets that would go up alongside Aftermath. He kissed Ana’s cheek and offered Jason a high five up top. “So who’s the better Mira?” he asked Jason boldly, beer in hand, clearly aware of Ana’s presence.
Without missing a beat, Jason studied the ceiling, pointing at the tiny cracks as if he’d discovered the most interesting pattern in the world.
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