A Long Way From Home

by Cathy Glass

  They kissed her goodnight and came out, leaving the door slightly ajar, then waited on the landing to see if she would settle. A few moments later they heard her get out of bed and then her little face peered around the door.

  ‘Come on, love, back to bed,’ Elaine said gently.

  They resettled her in bed and, giving her another kiss goodnight, came out and waited on the landing again. A minute or so passed and then she reappeared. They took her back to bed again and again. Eventually Ian said, ‘I don’t think she can be tired. Let’s take her down with us for a while.’

  Downstairs Anna quickly proved she was anything but tired, and now feeling more confident and perhaps realizing this was where she was going to live, she ran from room to room exploring, opening drawers and cupboards, peering under furniture and into corners, as she had in their hotel room. She picked up anything she liked the look of, including Elaine’s glass and china ornaments, and clambered onto the furniture to get at objects she couldn’t reach. There was so much more for her to see here than in the hotel room and the stark orphanage. To begin with Ian and Elaine laughed and indulged her. It was, after all, her first night. But by midnight they were both exhausted and needed to go to bed themselves. ‘I’ve got to be up for work in the morning,’ Ian said. He’d used up all his annual leave on the adoption trips and had also taken some unpaid leave.

  ‘Anna, it’s time for bed,’ Elaine said more firmly. Catching up with her in the hall, she took her up to bed.

  As Ian showered, Elaine tried to settle Anna, but each time she left her in her room she came out. When Ian had finished in the bathroom, wrapped in his dressing gown, he came to help. But half an hour later, when Anna still hadn’t settled, they decided to take her into their bed so they could hopefully all get some sleep. Anna didn’t sleep even there and at nearly 2 a.m., bone-weary, Elaine suggested they give her a spoonful of the sedative. ‘Just to help her settle tonight,’ she said, feeling guilty. It had been prescribed to help at the hotel and on the plane. There was a little left and they hadn’t anticipated using it once home.

  ‘Yes, just for tonight then,’ Ian agreed, yawning. ‘It won’t harm her, it’s twelve hours since she had the last dose.’

  Elaine took Anna downstairs, gave her a spoonful of the medicine and then back up to their bed. It took nearly an hour for the medicine to work, during which time Anna bounced and wriggled, her little feet kicking their backs, and repeatedly tried to get out of bed. It was no longer endearing and they were exhausted. Finally, at around 3 a.m., she fell asleep, but at 6.45 the alarm went off and shocked them all awake.

  ‘I’ll get her into a better routine tonight,’ Elaine promised as Ian struggled out of bed. She was the main caregiver so felt it was her responsibility. Ian was the breadwinner and had to be able to concentrate at work.

  An hour later Elaine and Anna, still in their nightwear, saw Ian off at the door. ‘Daddy’s going to work,’ Elaine told her. ‘He’ll be back this evening. Wave goodbye.’ Elaine waved but Anna didn’t. She stared after Ian, probably wondering where he was going and why. They knew it would take a few days of him going out to work and returning before Anna became familiar with their weekday routine.

  Elaine had a long list of things she needed to do and people to contact. Apart from unpacking and speaking to family and friends, she had to register Anna with her doctor and book an appointment for a health check as a matter of urgency. She also had to notify the authorities that Anna was in the UK, put her name on the waiting list for a nursery place and so on. This was all in addition to spending time with Anna, playing with her and getting to know her better. For unlike a baby, Anna had come with her own character and it was important that mother and daughter familiarized themselves with each other and got along.

  ‘I’ll be a bit busy today,’ Elaine told Anna, as the two of them ate breakfast together. Ian had made himself a coffee and a slice of toast before leaving for work.

  She looked at Anna carefully. Thank goodness she was eating. It was a huge relief. If she’d just smile a bit more, make eye contact and want a hug occasionally, or even respond when Elaine hugged her instead of going stiff or drawing away, life would be perfect. Then she chided herself. The poor child hadn’t been here for twenty-four hours, and prior to that there’d been so many changes that it would take time for her to adjust. Elaine would let Anna take it at her own pace. She knew from the posts on the online forum that the older the child was, the longer they needed to adjust. Children of eight or nine, for example, sometimes took months, even years, before they were fully integrated into their adoptive family. At Anna’s age it would hopefully be a matter of weeks, although some children adjusted straight away. It depended on their past experience, how smoothly the transition to their adoptive family had been, and the child’s resilience and acceptance of all the changes. Elaine thought that Anna seemed very resilient and the adoption had gone smoothly, apart from their three-month separation.

  Elaine didn’t achieve as much as she’d hoped that day. It flew by in phone calls, keeping Anna occupied and their neighbour popping in to say hello and staying for an hour. Elaine did manage to make an appointment for Anna to see their doctor the following morning but was told she’d have to register her as a temporary patient until her National Health Service number came through. Late in the afternoon, feeling she’d achieved little, Elaine tried sitting Anna in front of the children’s television but she wasn’t interested. When Ian came home at 7 p.m. their cases were still unpacked, there was no dinner and their usually tidy house looked like a whirlwind had torn through, and his wife was looking frazzled.

  ‘I was going to be so organized and have Anna in her pyjamas, and dinner ready when you came home, but as you can see that hasn’t happened,’ Elaine said apologetically.

  ‘Don’t worry,’ Ian laughed, and kissed her cheek. ‘It’s good to be home. Why don’t you get Anna ready for bed while I do us some dinner? How does spag bol sound?’

  ‘Wonderful,’ Elaine said. ‘I’ll be better organized tomorrow.’

  ‘Has Anna eaten?’

  ‘Not dinner. Just a snack at four o’clock.’

  ‘OK. We’ll all eat together. That’ll be nice. There are some presents and cards in my briefcase from the guys at work. We’ll have a look at them later.’

  ‘Some more cards came in the post today,’ Elaine said. ‘People are so kind and thoughtful. I’ve put them on the mantelpiece.’

  Elaine felt reassured now Ian was home, and she bathed Anna and then had her in her pyjamas as Ian called that dinner was ready. As they ate she and Ian talked about their day, as they had done when Elaine had worked, only now her day was very different, and although she tried to make it sound interesting she wasn’t sure it did. Anna ate well and when they’d finished Ian and Elaine took her up to bed, following a similar routine to the night before. They read her a bedtime story each, then kissed her goodnight and, dimming the light, came out. Elaine waited on the landing while Ian showered as he hadn’t had a chance since returning from work. With no sleep during the day Anna was tired and settled reasonably quickly – only getting out of bed twice before falling asleep. However, when they came up to bed at eleven they found her wide awake and sitting at the top of the stairs. ‘You gave me a fright!’ Elaine said. ‘What are you doing there? Goodness knows how long she’s been here,’ she said to Ian.

  Elaine took her by the hand and led her back to bed, but two hours of sleep had rejuvenated Anna, and she was out of bed as soon as they left her room. Finally, to get some sleep, they took her into their bed again. ‘I don’t understand why she doesn’t like her room,’ Elaine sighed. ‘It’s a lovely room.’

  ‘I’m sure she does like it, but it’s all new to her.’

  As most parents know, sleep takes on a whole new significance when deprived of it by a sleepless child and, exhausted, they will try anything to get some sleep. Ian and Elaine put up with Anna poking and kicking them, babbling, and the lack of intimacy h
er presence dictated, in the hope that she would fall asleep. Eventually she did and slept through till the alarm, so they felt some progress had been made. Anna climbed out of bed and ran round the landing to the toilet. Elaine followed her to make sure she washed her hands properly, but as she flushed the toilet, to her horror she saw something wriggling in the pan, and her stomach churned. ‘She’s got worms!’ she cried, utterly repulsed.

  Chapter Fifteen

  Bad Parenting?

  ‘Did you bring a stool sample with you?’ the doctor asked the following morning.

  ‘No. I’m sorry. I didn’t think,’ Elaine said, flustered. Of course she should have thought of that.

  ‘There are a number of different worms and we’ll treat Anna for the most common. You and your husband will need treating too.’

  ‘Really?’

  ‘Oh yes, worms are highly contagious. One dose of the syrup at night. The reason you didn’t see the worms before was because Anna wasn’t eating properly so they were very small. Now she’s eating well the worms have been feasting too so have grown.’ Elaine swallowed the bile rising in her throat.

  ‘Here is the prescription,’ the doctor said, passing the printed sheet of paper to her, then recapping: ‘The sores on her back are healing well so keep using the cream. Her heart and lungs sound fine. She’s a bit underweight but that’s only to be expected and should improve with time. Start the vitamin drops, and I’ve given you the form for her blood test?’

  ‘Yes,’ Elaine said, and held it up.

  ‘Take it with you to the hospital. If you go this afternoon we should have the results back here in a week. From what you’ve told me there is nothing in her or her mother’s history to suggest she might have contracted a sexually transmitted disease, so the test is precautionary. The clinic for the vaccination programme runs here tomorrow. I’ve booked her in. Is that everything?’

  ‘Yes, I think so,’ Elaine said, collecting together all the forms and putting them into her bag. They’d been in the surgery for ages and Elaine knew the doctor would be running late now.

  ‘Well, good luck and congratulations,’ she said. ‘You have a lovely daughter.’

  ‘Thank you.’ Elaine felt very proud.

  Outside, she retrieved Anna’s pushchair from the pram park at the side of the surgery, but Anna refused to get in. ‘It’s a long walk to the pharmacy,’ she said, and tried to lift her in. Anna went rigid so it was impossible. Elaine considered persisting but, not wanting a scene in public, gave in and let Anna walk, although it was awkward, manoeuvring the pushchair while holding on to her.

  That evening, when Ian arrived home, Elaine felt she had plenty to share about her day, and dinner was at least in the oven, although not fully cooked. Anna ate with them and afterwards Elaine gave them all a dose of the worming medicine. It didn’t taste too unpleasant. Come bedtime, Anna would only settle in their bed again with them either side of her, which meant she went to bed very late and they very early.

  ‘She must find our presence comforting,’ Elaine said, although Anna didn’t want a cuddle, just the space between them in the bed. If Ian reached out to hold Elaine’s hand, Anna roughly pushed it away, even smacking him.

  They laughed and indulged Anna to begin with, but when these sleeping arrangements continued for another week Ian complained. ‘When are we going to get back to normal?’

  ‘I’m not sure you ever do when you have children,’ Elaine said lightly. But she knew what he meant. They hadn’t made love since the adoption – in the hotel they’d all been in the same room and now Anna shared their bed at night.

  The following night Elaine made a big effort to settle Anna in her own room, but after a lot of screaming, which culminated in a tantrum, she gave up and let her go into their bed, by which time Ian was asleep.

  The blood test results came back negative, a huge relief. Anna didn’t have HIV or a sexually transmitted disease, but her iron levels were a bit low, so the doctor prescribed an iron supplement.

  With less than two weeks to go before Christmas the shops were festively decorated and full of gifts. Anna was fascinated when they went into the High Street and wanted everything she saw, and then made a scene when she couldn’t have them. Ian and Elaine had yet to decorate their house or buy a Christmas tree but intended to do so the following weekend when Ian was home. Elaine was viewing Christmas with mixed feelings. Anna’s first Christmas with them would obviously be very special, but she was anxious about the inevitable socializing Christmas would bring and how Anna would cope with that. Ian had wanted to accept an invitation from his brother and family to stay with them over Christmas, but Elaine had persuaded him out of it, saying it would be nice if it was just the three of them on Christmas Day. In truth it was the thought of his brother’s very well-behaved children, and she tortured herself with the look of horror on their faces if Anna played up and threw a tantrum, which Elaine would be helpless to control. When Ian came home with another invitation for them all to visit, this time from a work colleague, Elaine confided her concerns.

  ‘Don’t be silly, all kids play up sometimes,’ he said, ‘and we need to get out more. In fact, I was thinking that perhaps we could get a sitter and you and me could go out one evening. It will do us good.’

  ‘But we can’t leave Anna while she’s so unsettled!’ Elaine said, wondering why he needed to be told this.

  ‘All right, so let’s have someone round for supper like we used to.’

  Which they did and it was a disaster. Anna refused to go to bed when their guests arrived and played to her new audience, interrupting, demanding attention and babbling in her own language.

  ‘When will she start to learn English?’ one of their friends asked delicately.

  ‘She knows a few words already,’ Elaine said a little defensively, aware she should have known more.

  When the meal was ready Elaine tried to get Anna to bed again so the adults could eat in peace, but it proved impossible. Red-faced Elaine set another place at the table and then watched as Ian grew increasingly agitated that the adults couldn’t have a proper conversation. She was embarrassed too; when they’d been to friends’ homes for supper the children were either already in bed or went up soon after the guests arrived. When the main course was over Elaine left them with the dessert and took Anna up to their bed where she lay with her in the hope that she might fall asleep. Nearly an hour passed and Ian came up to find her and said their friends would be leaving shortly. Unable to face them, Elaine told him to say goodbye from her.

  Later, he was annoyed. ‘You’re indulging that child too much,’ he said. ‘Anna has taken over and is ruling us. Children are supposed to fit in with their parents, not the other way round.’

  Elaine knew he was right and felt responsible and even more of a failure.

  Christmas came and went, and while it wasn’t the disaster Elaine had thought it might be, neither was it a joyous first family Christmas. Anna had no sense of excited expectation, looking forward to Christmas as most children do, despite taking her to see Santa and a pantomime. On Christmas Day her face didn’t light up as she opened her sack full of presents; indeed, they couldn’t get her to smile for a single photograph. Her face remained expressionless, as it was most of the time, as if she was simply going through the motions. As she had so little English, it was difficult to know what she was thinking or feeling, although Elaine formed the impression she understood far more than she let on.

  Anna stayed up to see in the New Year. Ian opened a bottle of sparkling wine and they let Anna have one sip. A new year brings new hope, the promise of change and a fresh start, but when, three months later, Anna had made no progress, hadn’t slept in her own bed once, and screamed non-stop if they tried to make her do something she didn’t want to, defeated, Elaine took her to the doctor.

  ‘How can I help you today?’ the doctor asked kindly, and Elaine burst into tears.

  ‘I’m sorry,’ she said, reaching for a tissue. ‘It’s
all become too much.’ The doctor waited patiently as Elaine wiped her eyes and composed herself before continuing. Anna watched her mother, emotionless. ‘I don’t know how we’ve come to this,’ Elaine said, taking a deep breath. ‘My husband and I wanted a family for so long, but I’m making a complete mess of it. We knew it wouldn’t be easy, but something isn’t right. We can’t seem to reach her.’ She glanced furtively at Anna. ‘She doesn’t want to be held or cuddled and barely even looks at us. When she does there is a blankness in her eyes. She never smiles or laughs. She does exactly what she wants when she wants, and if we try to stop her she just screams and throws a tantrum until we give in. I’ve stopped going out and I hardly see anyone. I don’t know what to do.’ Her eyes filled again.

  The doctor looked at Anna thoughtfully. ‘Has she learned English?’

  ‘Only a few words. Not many. I think she understands but won’t cooperate and speak the words. Sometimes she looks at me so coldly, like she hates me, and I don’t know what to do to change it.’ She wiped her eyes again.

  ‘I’m sure she doesn’t hate you,’ the doctor reassured. ‘She’s only been with you four months. That’s not long really. I’ll examine her today and I can certainly refer her for speech therapy to help her language. But I think most of what you describe will sort itself out in time – when she’s fully bonded with you and your husband. Will she be going to nursery when she’s three?’